Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?"... - FML

By pa - 21/5/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

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Who's a good boy?

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Fairytale ending

By Abbynyc - 28/9/2014 11:40 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, while running an event, my belt loop got caught in those metal whorls that outdoor chairs have. I couldn't get it undone and had to greet guests by standing up and bringing the chair with me, hanging from my ass. My coworker finally had to cut the belt loop to set me free. FML

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By Female - 22/1/2013 23:16 - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

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By Dani - 12/1/2012 10:35 - Australia

Today, I happened to make eye contact with a stranger standing on a balcony of the apartment building across the train tracks from mine. He ran his finger across his neck like a knife and winked at me. I'm afraid to go out again. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I asked out one of the girls that hangs out in my group of friends (the same group I have been hanging out for three years). She stared at me for a couple of seconds then said " who the hell are you?" FML

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By Awks - 30/11/2012 06:30 - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 18:23 - United States - Ridge

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

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By diddlebuag - 27/5/2011 22:09 - United States

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

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By Jakub89 - 5/6/2011 20:31 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2016 22:09

Today, my boss reprimanded me for a huge screw-up that he was responsible for. FML

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By awesome - 21/9/2010 04:49 - United States

Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2015 18:59 - United Kingdom - Wetheringsett

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for another girl, via a text message ending with "No hard feelings. Well xcept 4 my cock obvs. ;)" Fuck you, Rick. FML

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By grossuncle - 25/2/2010 17:44 - United States

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

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By rubber_duckie177 - 24/9/2009 11:25 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

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By so pray to ariel about it, dipshits - 30/11/2012 19:29 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, two of my friends condemned me for being "narrow-minded", because I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that someone would believe mermaids actually exist. FML

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By p00p_m0nsta - 10/2/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I finally reunited with a lot of old friends from school. It was great to see everyone grown up and hear the stories. At the end we decided to have a group photo for old times sake. They asked me to take the picture. FML

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By JesusLaidAnEgg - 10/9/2019 14:02

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

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By not a dumbass pothead - 8/4/2014 22:04 - United States - Sparks

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

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By Dad41 - 21/6/2019 12:00

Toynado

Today, I came home from work and found that my son had taken every single one of his toys out and left them on the floor. Plus some goldfish crackers. FML

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By Weldingtags - 28/10/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

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By notacreep - 16/5/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my girlfriend's family. Her 7 year old brother told me he was feeling sad, so I tried to give him a pat on the back, but it turns out he had a bruise there. He yelled out "don't touch me there!" In the middle of the mall. Now her parents think I'm a pedophile. FML

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By AdamFoundHisEve - 25/5/2010 19:08 - France

Today, I had a dream about toasting with champagne. Whilst asleep, I extended my hand to toast, then brought my hand to my mouth to "drink the bubbly." I knocked over the glass of water I keep on my bedside table. My iPhone is now ruined, and in shock of my wet arm, I jerked backward headbutting my wife's face. FML

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By Elsine - 2/10/2018 13:30

Today, after having to move home with my parents because I'm broke and can't seem to find a job, my mom found out I'm on anti-depressants. She and my dad will no longer be helping with money because she doesn't like "drugs". FML

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By omgwtf - 18/10/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

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By Iahim - 25/1/2020 14:00

The truth

Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend. I said, “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized. FML

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By howniceofyou - 1/8/2011 18:12 - Canada

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. They grabbed and lifted me in the air, about to throw me in the pool. My iPhone was in my pocket, so I screamed "MY PHONE!" They paused so I could gently throw it onto a deck chair. It bounced, hit the concrete, and cracked its screen. FML

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By matchristityler - 9/2/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

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By Mandy - 9/5/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I finished a drawing that I spent over 14 hours working on for my mom for Mother's Day. I took it outside to seal it with fixative. I took of the clear lid, shook the can, then sprayed red spray paint all over my art. FML

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By placard3 - 2/10/2019 20:02

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

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By jdrew32 - 4/2/2013 02:17 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, after nearly 5 months of trying for a baby, I found out my wife has continued to take the pill as it gave her a better idea of her cycle and thus when she'd be "most fertile". FML

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By goodbye - 9/3/2009 00:45 - Canada

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

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By - 29/1/2019 14:00 - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

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By elisimo - 24/1/2012 08:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2013 07:50 - United States - Tucson

Today, as I was leaving for my chemistry exam, I stepped on one of the countless sheets of chemistry notes that littered the floor following last night's studying. I managed to slip and knock myself out in my own living room. FML

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By oopsie - 24/5/2009 14:50 - Canada

Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment, and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applied at. He wanted to arrange an interview. FML

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By Darkheaven - 17/11/2008 11:27 - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

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By Posty - 18/5/2009 18:38 - United Kingdom

Today, on the way to work, I pulled over at a postbox to post a letter. I walked up to the box with the letter in one hand, car key in the other. Guess which one I posted. FML

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By guess28 - 14/7/2009 18:19 - Puerto Rico

Today, my girlfriend of over a year said she has been faking her orgasms since the first time we've had sex. FML

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By Big Mouth - 13/11/2018 14:00

Today, my class had a debate about religion. My classmate said that Christians couldn't be circumcised because "only Jewish people are". Without thinking, I said it isn't true because I'm Christian and I’m circumcised. I accidentally gave the whole class a mental picture of my dick. FML

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By Well then - 10/9/2018 03:30

Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 20:19 - Switzerland

Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML

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Top comments

By Micahs_life | 0

#218500 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:30

My parents ask me the same thing almost every week... I'm straight too :(

By genius_man16 | 0

#218508 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:31

Yeah, FYL for having parents who are accepting about that. /sarcasm

All you had to say was "no" and that's the end.

Be thankful you don't have those parents who would disown you if you were.

COMMENTS

By DiSab | 0

#218486 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:28

That sucks.

Reply

qwillis98 | 20

#5324953 - Tuesday 15 January 2013 13:13

Really?

Reply

unjustlychicken | 10

#5349107 - Friday 1 February 2013 1:51

I had no idea it sucked until I read your comment!

By blabb | 0

#218487 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:28

lol. aha wow

By jillz | 0

#218492 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:29

ooh, i want a wine glass like that!

By Micahs_life | 0

#218500 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:30

My parents ask me the same thing almost every week... I'm straight too :(

By genius_man16 | 0

#218508 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:31

Yeah, FYL for having parents who are accepting about that. /sarcasm

All you had to say was "no" and that's the end.

Be thankful you don't have those parents who would disown you if you were.

By alexgisforme3 | 0

#218510 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:32

omgggg lol. are you rian dawsons girlfriend? her name is kara hahaha

By Kamazar | 0

#218519 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:33

It's starting to become some weird fad to have gay kids. wtf is wrong with the circle of life?

By Koriss87 | 0

#218525 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:34

Could be worse you know...they COULD have invited a preacher over and had him try to convince you to be “straight”

By Monado | 0

#218534 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:37

Cry on Papa's shoulder *Offers shoulder*

By MaiLouIsLegend | 0

#218535 - Thursday 21 May 2009 23:37

Apparently parents are beginning to have that gay idea about their kids since they don't have a bf/gf.
Tell them to get over it & in time we'll all just find him/her why are they all desperate for you to have one anyways?

It just goes to show that girls don't need speed bumps (boys) to live our lives bahaha