Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2012 19:51 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Hello everyone!

Business savvy

By E - 2/3/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML

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By BadTime - 30/8/2011 09:35 - United States

Today, my wife tried to refill the windshield wiper fluid on her own. However, she poured it where the oil goes. Now the car is having major issues. Last week I lost my job, and I have no idea how much this is going to cost to fix. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I went to my academic counselor to help me deal with my stress and anxiety, which has been making me nauseous from the constant strain. She suggested exercise to help these feelings. Every time I do so, I vomit. From the anxiety and stress. FML

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By crizzy - 24/4/2011 00:08 - United States

Today, I dislocated my arm while trying to escape from underneath a flipped over kayak. Who saved me? My two brothers-in-law. Who didn't? My husband, because his "feet were hurting." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

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By cj1012 - 8/7/2012 03:16 - United States

Today, a homeless man started to wet himself in the recliner at the coffee shop where I work. He then walked all the way to the bathroom, only to finish urinating in a puddle right in front of the bathroom door. Guess who cleaned it up. FML

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By Apple - 12/6/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house, and I asked if I could try on one of her dresses. It was a little snug, but I got it on. When it came time to take it off though, it wouldn't budge. My friend and her mom had to cut it off me. FML

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By Heavybreather - 13/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Athens

Today, after climbing 5 flights of stairs I walked into the restroom to take a piss. I was winded but trying to keep my heavy breathing to a minimum. My plan failed when I almost fainted inbetween two guys at the urinal and started gasping for air. FML

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By mommabuser - 1/7/2012 15:59

Today, my daughter's hamster pulled the water bottle off the glass, so I decided to super-glue the bottle back on. We came back an hour later to see if it had stuck, only to find both the bottle and rodent glued to the glass. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 13:20 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

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By sunshine19217 - 18/1/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I was about to kiss my girlfriend right as the clock struck midnight for New Year's. She put her hand in front of my mouth, and broke up with me. FML

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By eeeee - 14/6/2012 20:40 - United States

Today, my morning sickness was so bad that I threw up everywhere, just from thinking about the pretend meal that a kid had made for me. FML

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By BrokeAsHell - 30/5/2013 08:51 - Australia - Werribee

Today, my landlord emailed me, stating that she hasn't been receiving my rent. After some investigation, I found out she's been using the money to buy booze, and hasn't been putting it into the house owner's account. FML

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By caly - 12/11/2018 16:32 - United States

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

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By Eli - 14/1/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I was pointing out my car to my roommate. He responded with, "Oh that one with the broken window?" Turns out my car had been broken into. They took my CD player, GPS and Ipod. On top of that they left a Reese's Fastbreak wrapper and sunflower seeds on my front seat. FML

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By FML - 5/1/2012 15:56 - United States

Today, I received a ticket for not having my headlights on. The cop who pulled me over had a broken headlight. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2019 06:03 - United States - New York

Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML

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By JTinNJ - 27/8/2016 11:57 - United States - Parsippany

Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2018 06:00

W.T.F.

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

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By Crappyfayman - 23/2/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

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By PrinceJ - 27/10/2018 17:30

Today, my girlfriend's homophobic cousin claimed she saw me making out with my gay friend in public. I was home alone all day, but my girlfriend is crying and unconvinced. FML

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By melon squash - 11/9/2016 10:15 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

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By fistpumpin4life - 10/10/2010 00:51 - France

Today, at work I asked a woman how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she said, I just replied with, "oh that's good." What she told me that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

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By living in the ugly treehouse - 14/2/2016 11:23 - Australia

Today, while taking the bus home, a girl stared at me for a while before asking me if I'd ever heard of makeup. FML

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By BrutallyBlonde - 31/12/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I went to egg my ex-boyfriend's house, after finding out he cheated on me. I covered his house and car with eggs, toilet paper, and silly string. When I went to get back in my car, my keys were locked inside, the alarm went off, and my ex walked outside, with his new girlfriend. FML

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By blondie101 - 9/12/2011 06:11 - United States

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

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By preggersmcgee - 22/10/2012 16:09 - United States - Nixa

Today, I finally found a cute dress that hugged my curves and hid my imperfections. I wore it to my friend's house, and was feeling pretty good about myself, until some pregnant woman walked into the room wearing the exact same thing. It was a maternity dress. FML

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By John Doe - 29/1/2015 17:01 - United States - Columbia

Today, my parents continue comparing me to my "perfect" friend. He smokes dope, is a compulsive thief, and has gone to juvie numerous times. I'm passing school with flying colors and have never been in any trouble with the law. Apparently I should be more like him. FML

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By Lonely - 11/3/2010 12:16 - New Zealand

Today, I congratulated my friend for getting engaged. This is the fourth friend of mine this year that has become engaged. I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. FML

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By FMyLife5915 - 4/9/2010 04:15

Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML

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By APetsPet - 5/10/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I got an email from the company that manages my cat's microchip informing me that I had to update my information that had been entered by the local Humane Society. Apparently, they listed my cat "Coral" as the owner, and me as the pet. To change it, they needed the cat's signature. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2013 20:42 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

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By Rage - 8/10/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, while working on my girlfriend of three years' computer I found a file called 'My future wedding'. I assumed it was very old and decided to look through it. Of the list of 5 potential grooms I was not one of them. This didn't bother me until I saw that it had last been edited two days ago. FML

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By cl3v3l4nd5t34m3r - 4/6/2012 20:34 - United States - Geneva

Today, I got into a fight with my mom over the chores, and stormed out. When I returned later, I found the house had been egged. My mom told my dad she saw me do it, and he won't believe my side of the story. He says I'll be lucky if I see sunlight this summer. FML

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By now what - 26/7/2020 05:01

Family extension

Today, I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in about 5 years. She had her 4-year-old son with her. I couldn’t help but notice her son looked almost identical to mine. He even had a very distinct facial feature that my husband has as well. What are the odds all three of them have the same defect? FML

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By Disturbed son - 16/9/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sent a picture that was meant for her husband. I cannot unsee what I have seen. FML

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By fyourlife - 21/10/2009 19:53 - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was flirting with this cute girl. When I asked her if she had her store card she said "No", paused, then said "Can I give you my number?". I said "Sure, that would be awesome, do you want mine?". She said no. I didn't know I could just enter the card number. FML

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By madelynn - 31/1/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I was in my psychology class taking the hardest test ever. After I spent most of the period trying to fill in the few answers that I knew, I looked up to see everyone with their notebooks on their desks. It was an open-note test. FML

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Top comments

By llamafish | 25

#4379345 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:32

Hey! I love doing that too! Me and your neighbours should have a party! At their place of course, wouldn't want to bother my neighbours.

By Grimmerie | 31

#4379348 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:32

You should get them back. Set off the fire alarm at three AM.

By setting their door on fire.

Welcome to the neighbourhood!

COMMENTS

By datoismyname | 22

#4379336 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:31

Tell them to bloody shut the hell up then.

Reply

eb0ny | 15

#4379408 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:38

Or, you know, just politely ask them to keep it down.

Reply

n3rdzgotskillz | 29

#4379473 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:44

#1 - That would be a wonderful way to introduce yourself, I imagine.

Reply

lonkite101 | 14

#4379524 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:54

Teens these days.... Don't worry OP, the cops will be here soon!

Reply

pulse18 | 2

#4379552 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:56

Adults these days, so quick to call the cops over every minor annoyance.

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#4379594 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 1:02

if that was me, there wouldnt be any neighbors.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#4379689 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 1:28

Give them a break, they just moved in. I'm sure the noise will settle when they have hammered all the cockroaches to death and the place is homely enough for them.

Reply

Jakesterk96 | 8

#4379731 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 1:41

^and when all the fires get put out.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4379965 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 2:48

41- *fire-breathing cockroaches.

Reply

xleanne_aLly | 23

#4380328 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 4:43

Why would they be hammering the walls?

Reply

Sinamoi | 18

#4380394 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 5:05

83-Putting up paintings of smoke alarms.

Reply

rallets | 22

#4380607 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 6:34

you sure its not the bedpost slamming against the wall?

if you know what i mean

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4381637 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 13:49

wait did you say youre neboors get hammered, they bang and its really hot?

Reply

ajay96 | 3

#4381726 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 14:16

I smell a meth lab brewing

Reply

ttttttyyy | 0

#4382947 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 20:59

They're just having hot and noisy sex! >:^}

Reply

hahafylop | 4

#4383237 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 22:40

115-You better 'snuff' it out.

Reply

janerose21 | 3

#4385191 - Thursday 3 May 2012 3:39

if u tell them to shut up they will do it more to annoy u bad times !!!

By llamafish | 25

#4379345 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:32

Hey! I love doing that too! Me and your neighbours should have a party! At their place of course, wouldn't want to bother my neighbours.

Reply

jackassiddy | 8

#4380017 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 3:06

^ I just did.. Made a mess? Grab Kleenex! :D

Reply

mgkgambino | 3

#4380117 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 3:33

Dude, that's disgusting..btw, can I borrow some Kleenex? I need to clean up too

By Grimmerie | 31

#4379348 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:32

You should get them back. Set off the fire alarm at three AM.

By setting their door on fire.

Welcome to the neighbourhood!

Reply

Cad6 | 24

#4379505 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:49

Or he could blast a Justin Bieber song.

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4379512 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:51

Justin Bieber sounds like angels singing compared to "Hot Problems" *shudders*

Reply

auzz1_pride | 9

#4379522 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:52

24) banging walls, setting off fire alarms early in the morning, who's to say they don't like Justin bieber as well?

Reply

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4380508 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 5:58

Cad, I suddenly wish that I didn't read your profile......

Reply

Lauren324 | 18

#4382751 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 19:53

OPs neighbours make it sound like they are building a meth lab or cooking it..

By PaigeyTaylor | 2

#4379352 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:32

Omg that would annoy the crap out of me

Reply

Allahu_Akbar | 1

#4380067 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 3:21

Who woulda thunk it?

By tookie12345 | 7

#4379357 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:33

Least you think they are hammering the wall if you know what i mean ;)

Reply

ariannaimelda | 7

#4379434 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:40

Lol I thought the exact same thing!

Reply

_ebbonyy | 11

#4379669 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 1:21

yeah and who is OP to interrupt their sex life? ;)

Reply

NYCBOII123 | 7

#4380025 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 3:09

LOL

Reply

LupeTabasco | 5

#4380093 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 3:28

That would explain the smoke alarm. Hot n steamy sexy time!

Reply

Daiyuki | 5

#4385283 - Thursday 3 May 2012 4:33

Holy shit 40, hot pic

By MiniNyn | 5

#4379361 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:34

Pound right back! Oooor be a normal person, go over the next day, and let them know the impact their inconsideration is having. If they're worth anything, they'll stop :)

Reply

DespairFaction | 11

#4379857 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 2:13

I tried that with my upstairs neighbors and that's when I found out they have 3 kids and don't care about anyone.

Reply

zack11742 | 7

#4380009 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 3:00

They were probably just setting up their new place they probly won't do that every day

By richy90255 | 8

#4379366 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:34

Whenever they stop doing that get them back by the same at night

Reply

ebonyirony | 29

#4380170 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 3:52

Read it in stewies voice. Thanks

By stinkystu7 | 0

#4379372 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:34

Piss them off too. It's war

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4379394 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:36

They were trying to get your attention! They made the noise so you would come over and meet them. Quite clever of them actually.

By llamafish | 25

#4379400 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 0:37

You sure it's hammering? Not sex noises? Maybe things just get so heated that the fire alarm goes off. Or the lamp could catch fire.

Reply

NoisyNykkii | 10

#4379991 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 2:57

So she can make a comment related to sex and whatnot, but I can't?
THANKS GUYS