Intimacy: Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

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Intimacy

Season finale

Strawberry surprise

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By Hrothebert - 20/3/2021 02:00

New Man

Today, my widowed mother told me she's been seeing a guy for the last 5 months. No problem. But now she insists on calling him, "New Daddy." I'm 37 and she lives across the street. FML

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By tallesttree54

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By Hank Gummyworm - United States

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

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By raesos91 - United States - Houston

Today, I decided to look for the horrid stench coming from my bathroom. It turns out my roommate has been throwing away her used tampons in the "trashcan by the sink." That "trashcan" is my old antique vase. FML

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By "1DisGR8" - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had the misfortune of getting my period during another exam. And yes, the male professor also noticed this time. FML

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By sigh - United States - Frederick

Today, I was cleaning up litter from the street, when a guy asked who I work for. I said nobody and that I was just doing some community service. Before I could clarify that it was voluntary community service, he called me a "piece of shit delinquent", spat on me, and walked off. FML

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By Golden~ - Canada

Today, I found out that the school principal takes all the money from the school fund raisers to buy herself donuts. I'd donated over $100. FML

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By sanoria51 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the hot girl he's been sending nudes to and cybering with for the past month is probably a bored, fat-as-fuck, balding male living in his mum's basement. The look on his face after I proved that "her" pictures were fake broke my heart. FML

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By sisterofthebride - United States

Today, my sister and her new husband invited our family and my fiancé over to look at their wedding pictures. Turns out, I caught the bouquet and flashed the world in the process. FML

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By menerethrr - United States

Today, I sent my best friend Mike the link to a porn site we were talking about at a party. Turns out the name "Mom" is right next to "Mike" in my contacts list. FML

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By mutantprincess - Australia

Today, after waking up to find a large spider outside my bedroom door and screaming, waking up my mum to kill it, she then sprayed it and went to pick it up. She then informed me it was made of plastic. My cat had got into the Halloween decorations from the spare room and decided to play. FML

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By WithoutLove - United States

#ForeverAlone

Today, I realized the closest thing I have to a love life is organizing my porn folder by category. FML

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By tarheels526 - United States

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

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By no, YOU raised him - United States - Concord

Today, I asked my 5-year-old son how school went today. He sighed and said "Fuck off, dad." I thought kids only became such colossal douchebags in their teens. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

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By tacoboy - United States

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

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By Anonymous - Hong Kong

Today, my mum and I were walking down a road where we met an old neighbour who recently got divorced. Her son who we hadn't seen for about 10 years was with her and he looked very handsome. I said, "oh wow ! your son has grown up so much !" The woman replied, "this is my boyfriend." FML

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By far23 - United States

Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said "Did you have fun at the party?" and I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML

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By Rebecca - 3/10/2020 23:07

What could go wrong?

Today, I slipped into an ATM vestibule quickly without a mask. The place smelled like the antiseptic at a doctor's office, so I figured, "What could go wrong? Not more than 6 hours later, I found out that I’m sick. FML

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By reserved - United States - Paso Robles

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to break up. But not until after our anniversary tomorrow, because he's already gotten dinner reservations for us. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2021 20:01

Workers of the world unite

Today, my initial unemployment benefits ran out. Yesterday, the extended benefits ran out for my entire state too, so I'll see $0 assistance. But it could be worse, they're also taking back 7 million $ from extended benefits receivers, so at least I'm not having money taken away. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 08:01

This Charming Man

Today, I met what I thought was a decent guy, via an introduction by my pregnant friend. She's dating his brother. The guy was dropping my friend and me off, but on the way out of the door he slapped her on the butt and smiled. FML

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By gettingacat - United States

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

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By chee - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By Jaxter - United States

Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML

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By ohman - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because 'I look like his hamster when I'm eating sunflower seeds.' FML

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By Kerry - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

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By Stupid - Australia - Bellerive

Today, I waited thirty minutes for a bus that stopped running three weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I am wearing a panda suit for the promotion of the restaurant I work at. FML

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By Xanadu - United States

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk saying "shut the f*ck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

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By Nutellalover - Germany - Hennef

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML

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By holyshitbatman - United States - Toledo

Today, I started dating a seemingly normal guy. Not even four hours into our relationship, he began telling me that he can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML

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By superjstorm - Philippines

Today, I went to the mall and couldn't find a parking spot. After circling around for 20 minutes, I finally saw a shaded spot in the uncovered parking lot area under a tree. It turns out, I parked under a coconut tree. I could tell from the coconut planted into my hood. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my father, who I haven't spoken to in over 12 years, contacted me. He just wanted to let me know that I should get tested for a rare neurological disease. The only thing the man has given to me since my conception is potentially a death certificate. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed some contact lens solution, so I left my room to look in my sister's room to see if she had any. I walked in to see my mom sucking my dad off on her bed. They didn't see me so I walked away, but the image is engraved in my mind forever now. FML

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By fuckadaisical - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clay City

Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

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By Loose Goose

Today, I went on a coffee date. It turned out to be a mistake - not because he was bad, but because I forgot how much coffee upsets my stomach. Yup, it makes me need to poop, and I did. In my jeans. As he drove me home. Not quite the "run" of fun we’d planned. FML

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Top comments

By rockr_chick | 5

#1308705 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:32

its going to be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway

By Smyth | 3

#1308733 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:37

A forearm sized dildo? She set herself up for disappointment with that one.

COMMENTS

By RajaRaja | 0

#1308630 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

hah

By GrammerNazi1000 | 8

#1308632 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

I suggest HOLY SHIT!!

By lesliexhardcorex | 0

#1308634 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

oh god.
hahahaha

Granddragon | 0

#1309200 - Friday 27 August 2010 18:45

haha I know. I'm just hoping he has skinny forearms.

MarkSeattle | 0

#1309809 - Friday 27 August 2010 20:32

lol. no kidding. even a super tiny guy forearm would be 10" long and at least 9" circumference towards the elbow.

By hateplow | 3

#1308636 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

classy lady

By swimmerstud | 7

#1308638 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By DeesFMLs | 0

#1308640 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

LOL

xxroseyxx | 0

#1308652 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:23

blahhh

By DeeeXoxo | 0

#1308642 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:22

haha you have a crazy gf

By Doopliss01 | 0

#1308644 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

MrConfusion | 21

#6597417 - Thursday 5 May 2016 5:38

Found the 10 year old!

By nibbles101 | 0

#1308648 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:22

loosey goosey :]

j5p332 | 6

#1308772 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:43

Indeed.

Good luck throwin' your hot dog down her hallway..... or break in the backdoor...

Colecto_fml | 26

#5857046 - Thursday 13 February 2014 16:42

After what we've heard, I don't think the backdoor would need any breaking in

By swimmerstud | 7

#1308660 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:23

I ment you not your. haha I wonder how floppy her vagina is?