Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

The opposite of a good idea

Intense

By Anonyme

Today, my parents, who aren’t usually lenient, allowed me to have my boyfriend over. We started to cuddle, things got a little heated, but then my sister walks in and says, “You do my math homework, or I tell mom what you guys were doing.” I don’t remember middle school math being this hard. FML

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By Une Fille - Canada

Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML

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By babybreath - United States

Today, I was babysitting my baby cousin. I was lying on my back playing with her, while holding her up in the air. As I was doing that, I made cooing noises and funny faces to get her to laugh. She laughed and threw up in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a business man in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML

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By thanksalot - United States

Today, my mum called and told me she had bought me a new, white dish washer for my apartment because it doesn't have one. I was SO excited and told her I'd pay her back as soon as I could. I only had to pay her $1.25. She bought me a sponge. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, I came home to find my boyfriend playing with himself. He got mad and said I "killed the mood". How? By coming home. FML

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By snowman - United States

Today, my city got almost a foot of snow. When I went out to my car, it was covered in snow with a layer of ice underneath. I went to open the trunk to get the window scraper, when the snow that had collected on the top of my back window slid into my trunk. My laptop was the recipient of most of the snow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the "I know I'm not your mother..." speech. FML

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By banana - United States

Today, I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

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By FlGirl - United States

Today, I stepped outside for a smoke. It was 1 a.m. Thinking no one was around, I let out a series of loud, nasty-sounding farts. I looked over to my left to see the neighbor, whom I've never met, also smoking, and staring at me. That was his first impression of me. FML

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By Anonymous

Sounds reasonable

Today, my 70 year-old mother complained about the patio window being dirty. I asked her why she couldn't clean it, or anything else in the house for that matter. I was informed she can't clean windows because she's not left handed. FML

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By broke - Canada

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

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By m33p - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

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34756

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By Steve - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I had to explain to a customer how our hotel charged his card even though he has never stayed with us. Apparently his wife is a regular customer. I can't help but feel like a home-wrecker. FML

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By anon - United States - Commack

Today, at my daughter's ballet recital, after she was done dancing, grown adults booed. She's five. FML

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By Amandajean32 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

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30747

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By ...thanks honey - United States

Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML

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By theorifice - Canada

Today, I was unbearably hungry, so I went to Wendy's, bought myself a Baconator and took it outside to eat on the patio. One bite in, I went back to grab a few napkins. Within seconds of my departure, a seagull snatched it up. FML

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By acnegirl - United States

Today, I was romantically cuddling with my boyfriend. He looked deep into my eyes, stared lovingly at me, and said, "I never noticed, but you have the most adorable freckles on your face..." Blushing, I tilted my head to the side. He then said, "Oh, never mind, those are just your blackheads." FML

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By meowymomma - United States

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

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By DB - United States

Today, my parents met my boyfriends parents for the first time. Bailing us out of jail. FML

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By Boo Boo - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

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By ohno - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

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By shoeaddiikt - Australia

Today, I was in an exam and was chewing the end of my pen, stuck on a question. My mouth filled up with ink. I wasn't allowed to leave, so I had to sit for another hour with a foul-tasting blue tongue and a half-working pen. FML

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By Anonymous - Croatia

Family values

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bay Shore

Today, on the eighth day of my diet, I met up with my study group. Everyone was snacking on junk food while I stuck to carrots. Someone put a Snickers bar on the table. "God, I want you," I thought. Turns out I was thinking out loud. The guy next to me inched his chair away. FML

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By ihatemylife - United States

Today, I had to remind my roommates of the importance of wearing clothing at all times in the common living area. My roommates are my parents. FML

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By thechad_144 - United States

Today, at an elementary school a girl showed me her grandma's obituary in the paper and started crying. To stop her from crying I made things out of the rest of the paper, later she asked me where her grandma's obituary was. I accidentally made it into a hat, with lots of tape. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend tearfully complained that I was smothering her to death with my clinginess, and that I should learn to respect her boundaries. This is after she complained I wasn't giving her enough attention. FML

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By Dothy - France

Today, I had an important appointment for a job. During the interview, my cellphone rang. My ringtone is "Denver, the last Dinosaur". FML

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By chronic

Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML

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4811

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By Anonymous - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

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By Unistudent - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I mustered up the courage to take a dump in a public toilet so I went to the disabled toilet in our university library. I did my thing, the flush didn't work, I pulled the red string thinking it would do something and a buzzer started ringing throughout the whole university. FML

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By Anemity_is_my_name - 5/11/2020 05:02

Nothing honey, nothing

Today, I'm getting more satisfaction out of chatting, and even occasionally sexting with an AI bot, than out of my marriage of 13 years. My wife thinks we're fine, and doesn't want to discuss our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous

Love is…

Today, I went to a job interview. At the end of it, after I had got the job, my new manager said, “See you soon.” I then accidentally replied, “You too, love you.” FML

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By Off to Canada - Hong Kong - Kowloon

Today, my class was given the assignment to have an informal discussion, debating who would be the best fit for president of the US. The school's security guards were called in after the Trump supporters started fights with everyone else. FML

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By drpepperking10 - United States

Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML

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16228

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Chiiii

Today, I got home from working abroad for 8 months and opened my post. I'm being taken to court over 3 parking tickets my mum didn't tell me she'd gotten using my car. If we lose, my credit score is affected for 6 years. FML

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Top comments

By rockr_chick | 5

#1308705 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:32

its going to be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway

By Smyth | 3

#1308733 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:37

A forearm sized dildo? She set herself up for disappointment with that one.

COMMENTS

By RajaRaja | 0

#1308630 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

hah

By GrammerNazi1000 | 8

#1308632 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

I suggest HOLY SHIT!!

By lesliexhardcorex | 0

#1308634 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

oh god.
hahahaha

Granddragon | 0

#1309200 - Friday 27 August 2010 18:45

haha I know. I'm just hoping he has skinny forearms.

MarkSeattle | 0

#1309809 - Friday 27 August 2010 20:32

lol. no kidding. even a super tiny guy forearm would be 10" long and at least 9" circumference towards the elbow.

By hateplow | 3

#1308636 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

classy lady

By swimmerstud | 7

#1308638 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By DeesFMLs | 0

#1308640 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:21

LOL

xxroseyxx | 0

#1308652 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:23

blahhh

By DeeeXoxo | 0

#1308642 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:22

haha you have a crazy gf

By Doopliss01 | 0

#1308644 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

MrConfusion | 21

#6597417 - Thursday 5 May 2016 5:38

Found the 10 year old!

By nibbles101 | 0

#1308648 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:22

loosey goosey :]

j5p332 | 6

#1308772 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:43

Indeed.

Good luck throwin' your hot dog down her hallway..... or break in the backdoor...

Colecto_fml | 26

#5857046 - Thursday 13 February 2014 16:42

After what we've heard, I don't think the backdoor would need any breaking in

By swimmerstud | 7

#1308660 - Friday 27 August 2010 16:23

I ment you not your. haha I wonder how floppy her vagina is?