Health and Holidays: Today, my new bikini must be cheap as shit because I tanned nicely...

By Anonymous - 01/06/2018 06:00

Today, my new bikini must be cheap as shit because I tanned nicely where I put on sunscreen, but where I didn’t apply it under the bikini I’ve gotten super red sunburn on my butt, my lady bits, and my boobs. My nipples look like the ends of red felt tip pens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 512

You deserved it 793

Health Holidays

Sorry…

Compromises

Best teeth in the game

By SuperCoolGurl - 17/12/2011 13:30 - Australia

Today, the cute guy in my class asked if I wanted to come over to his house to "study" on Saturday for our finals. I went to his house expecting a good time. He actually wanted to study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 727

You deserved it 54 229

By chronic masticator - 21/05/2016 11:51 - United States

Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 493

You deserved it 806

By fatty magoo - 29/07/2014 18:20 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I was pulled over for distracted driving. I'd been eating a donut. Let's just say the officer didn't appreciate being offered one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 231

You deserved it 15 924

By embarrassed2 - 24/01/2011 02:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tickled me. In between laughs, I warned him that I was going to pee myself. He didn't believe me. After I actually did, he suggested we use a "safety word" from now on so that he will know when I'm being serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 877

You deserved it 4 766

By spleechick - 28/01/2010 02:41 - United States

Today, I decided to bleach my belly hair. I bought some body hair bleach at the drug store, and I used it exactly as instructed. When I removed it, I was horrified to see my belly was about three shades lighter than the rest of my body. The hair was still exactly the same darkness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 280

You deserved it 24 565

Old soul

By Olivia - 09/08/2021 20:01 - Australia

Today, I was asked if I had children who are in high school. I’m 17. This isn't the first time someone has mistaken me for a woman in her twenties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 143

By Will - 15/12/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 870

You deserved it 5 051

By Cammy - 29/04/2009 07:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was pissed off. I kicked a soccer ball into my wall, and it bounced back, hit my head and knocked me into the wall behind me. My head hurts like hell. Even inanimate objects hate me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 312

You deserved it 63 231

By tine - 16/11/2014 09:44 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 519

You deserved it 3 760

By Anonymous - 07/08/2013 10:49 - Australia - Redfern

Today, during an otherwise promising job interview, I was asked how much I thought was too much for a "good hit of blow". I must have stayed speechless for too long, because the guy's next words were, "Yeah, you're not cut out for this." I'm shocked and baffled too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 949

You deserved it 4 279

By jules - 17/04/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I was in the supermarket and I see this little boy trying to reach for something on the top shelf. I go over to him and ask if his mom knows where he is. The boy turns around. He was actually a very angry midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 524

You deserved it 57 040

By kyyle - 11/01/2014 04:02 - United States - Chicago

Today, we were playing charades at school. My word was "head", so I pointed to my face. Nobody on my team got it. But they did guess, "Ugly?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 120

You deserved it 4 842

By Failsafe - 09/05/2016 14:35 - United States - Newark

Today, I worked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked. I got her a nice bracelet for her birthday and asked her on a date when I gave it to her. "Aww, you're so sweet!" was the response to the gift. Her response to the date proposal? "Wait, you aren't gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 570

You deserved it 1 425

By wearashirt - 04/12/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 936

You deserved it 14 418

By Anonymous - 27/03/2019 06:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, like everyday, I have to ignore the mould in the bathroom, cat shit stuck to the dining room floor, and dirty dishes in the kitchen courtesy of my never-cleaning sister, but today she bitched at me for being gross and unhygenic for double dipping the ice-cream tub, and everyone agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 124

You deserved it 309

By Anonymous - 13/06/2013 15:13 - United States - Bemidji

Today, I tried to lift my girlfriend and spin her around like in a Rom-Com. I started the spin, then heard a pop. The pain caused me to yelp and fall to the floor, dropping her on top of me. I dislocated my kneecap trying to be romantic. She only weighs about 90 lbs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 294

You deserved it 13 658

By Loopylogo - 10/01/2017 14:01

Today, my boss came into the office asked how I was doing and seemed totally normal and happy, then said, "I have to let you go. I heard some bad things about you." He wouldn't tell me what he heard, or from whom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 604

You deserved it 511

They'll hear you coming

By Anonymous - 30/09/2019 06:00

Today, I was diagnosed with exercise-induced asthma. I wanted to be a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 652

You deserved it 156

Unhappy Birthday

By Anonymous - 27/07/2020 02:01

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 226

You deserved it 242

By Theo - 18/12/2009 06:52 - United States

Today, I came home to find my room completely torn apart. My mom and dad start yelling at me asking me why I am doing drugs because she found a tiny baggie on the floor. It was the little bag that spare buttons come in when you buy a dress shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 806

You deserved it 2 215

By Loser - 01/11/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 556

You deserved it 4 611

By shittyemployee - 28/07/2018 19:00

Today, I rushed to work after a night of drinking and partying, and put my hair up on my way in. People started worriedly asking what happened to my head, so I looked in the mirror. I had scratches and a welt on my forehead from hitting the wall during sex last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 817

You deserved it 3 095

Interpreter blues

By Aleksandar Veljović - 25/11/2020 05:01

Today, at the hospital, I had to tell someone he was going to die because I was the only one to speak his language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 54

By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 06:51 - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend of eight months that if she didn't start taking my band's music seriously, we couldn't see each other anymore. She said fine, and I hugged her, but then she stood up and said 'I hope we can still be friends,' and walked out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 063

You deserved it 71 890

By duhasiangirl - 15/11/2012 00:48 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 255

You deserved it 2 732

Today, on Asshat Bosses…

By need a job - 24/06/2021 13:02 - United States

Today, I was fired from my cashier job for "abandoning my post." I saw a man pass out in the 100° heat in front of our store and I rushed to give him water. Not to worry though, my manager assured me he wouldn’t press charges for the water I took from the fridge, but I’m still fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 505

You deserved it 73

By hatelife - 30/12/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, the instructions on my new IKEA bed made me cry. It includes a picture of a person working alone with a frown crossed out and is replaced by two smiling people working together. I have no one in my life to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 178

You deserved it 4 825

By Anonymous - 08/05/2014 19:00 - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, an old man wanted to give me a tip for bagging his groceries. He slipped some money as deep into my pocket as he could, stroking my thigh for a few long seconds in the process, then he gave me a creepy smile and winked before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 255

You deserved it 4 523

By jessicab72 - 15/05/2014 20:38 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 107

You deserved it 5 573

By Nanana32 - 14/08/2013 20:28 - United States - Hudson

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 586

You deserved it 6 003

Boomer humor

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 02:49 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 807

You deserved it 6 125

By FishStampede - 16/05/2009 12:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 878

You deserved it 18 667

Prejudice

By EpicOracle - 20/09/2021 10:00 - Nigeria

Today, I found out that even when I have written and submitted freelance work, the client can refuse to pay and it'd be acknowledged because I'm from Nigeria. Also, they can still use my work. I guess the "Nigerian Prince" issue is affecting even the innocent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 76

By hoolabaloo - 08/03/2013 03:53 - India - Ahmadabad

Today, I finally got the courage to confess my feelings to the guy I have loved for a year now in a long note. He called half an hour later and said, "I'm not going to read this crap, just tell me what it says". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 641

You deserved it 8 045

By HappyGirl - 28/10/2008 15:57 - France

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 775

You deserved it 18 860

By Sad Sally - 24/04/2012 11:22 - United States

Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 615

You deserved it 2 958

By Anonymous - 08/05/2015 16:46 - United Kingdom - Loughton

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I sneezed so hard that my head shot forward and smashed against his, sending his head backwards against the wall. He ended up with a concussion, and I still feel like someone hit me over the head with a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 761

You deserved it 3 816

Empathy

By KidCudi227 - 23/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a bouquet of roses with a message attached. The message said, "Ever since your dog died you've stopped putting out, so I think we should break up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 862

You deserved it 263

By jake - 07/02/2010 18:56 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I forgot it was her birthday. We had only been dating for 2 weeks. I didn't even know when it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 101

You deserved it 8 217

By Omegared - 14/04/2011 22:12 - United States

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 300

You deserved it 25 491

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Top comments

Wanderlei Santos 8

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Friday 1 June 2018 6:09

actually they are specially made for people who want a full tan.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 1 June 2018 7:43

As much as I like boobs, I imagine in a few days they won’t be very a-peeling.

Wanderlei Santos 8

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Friday 1 June 2018 6:09

actually they are specially made for people who want a full tan.

cperagui 18

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Friday 1 June 2018 6:48

I need this in my life

alycion 38

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Friday 1 June 2018 10:57

They are usually marked as tan through. I just assume they are now and lather up before putting them on. I’ve burned through rash guards.

thelittlem 15

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Friday 1 June 2018 6:21

I feel like this should be in the worst section

TCRII 29

Friday 1 June 2018 6:39

Ouch!

dexter420 21

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Friday 1 June 2018 6:56

I am truly sorry to hear that. On the bright side I would like to volunteer to apply the aloe. Again sorry. No hot tubs 😞

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 1 June 2018 7:43

As much as I like boobs, I imagine in a few days they won’t be very a-peeling.

Lobby_Bee 17

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Friday 1 June 2018 8:03

So, you have an all natural red bikini now? Awesome! Most people have the white ones.

ARISKomuniszt 24

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Friday 1 June 2018 15:30

are you implying black women don't wear bikinis?!?1?!1!1!?

eyepuppy 31

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Saturday 2 June 2018 15:34

Really? Do we have to bring race into a simple funny, light-hearted comment? Anyone with half a brain would understand that was not what he meant.

Sinshine 27

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Saturday 2 June 2018 23:47

Are you illiterate?

Davros 12

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Friday 1 June 2018 11:49

well if they aren't felt they should be

azouwa 26

Friday 1 June 2018 13:28

I'm just here to read what the pervs have to say. Sorry OP. your life sucks.

MyS3lf 24

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Friday 1 June 2018 13:51

Happened to me once before, although I'm mostly of Irish heritage so I limit the amount of time I spend in the sun because I'll burn with spf 50 on, anyway, that's why I always put sunblock on every inch of my body before putting on a bikini. That and sometimes if you move around too much so does your suit and then you get weird sunburn streaks. Hope you get to feeling better soon!