Today, my mum was watching a program about sexually transmitted... - FML

By Enko - 9/11/2008 07:43 - France

Today, my mum was watching a program about sexually transmitted diseases. Later on she starts telling me that I should be careful and use the right protection when having sex. Suddenly she stops and says « Actually I don’t know why I’m telling you this, after all you don’t have a boyfriend! » and walks away. FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

The student becomes the master

Headache

By BadKitty42 - 14/12/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, it was my last day at work. I was offered a better job and accepted. Not wanting to leave my present boss hanging, I asked for time to give notice. While I trained my replacement, the owner at the new job had time to think about how slow the season is, and he decided not to fill the position. FML

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By IAmACoolCat - 5/7/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML

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By unbelievable - 2/2/2009 11:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd help me shave my mustache. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 22:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2014 15:52 - United States - Red Oak

Today, as I was opening the door for my boyfriend, I pressed my boobs against the glass to make him laugh. I didn't see his dad standing just behind him at first, but he certainly saw me. FML

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By underemployed - 8/12/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I found out my no-work-experience brother has just accepted a 50k/year job. He is still in school and has never had a job. I work as an intern for 11 hours a day, get rude emails from my boss, and have 3 degrees and 5 years work experience. FML

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By iamatthewroberts - 17/2/2009 02:34 - United States

Today, my grandmother told me that not only does she not accept me as a homosexual man, but that she feels my relationship with a little person is "spitting in God's face." FML

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By kirassi919 - 20/9/2012 16:50 - United States - North Wales

Today, I decided to help my parents out by tearing down the old, rusty swing set that's been in our backyard for years. Little did I know that there was a beehive hidden in the long grass, and I now have dozens of painful red bumps all over me. FML

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By nessacadesa - 24/3/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly : while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML

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By whaaaaat111 - 9/3/2013 12:04 - United States - Vienna

Today, while at the mall, a lady dropped her credit card while in line to buy something. I came over, picked it up and gave it to her just for her to shove it in my hand and scream, "She's stealing my wallet! My wallet!" The police came. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By travelsickness - 10/8/2010 13:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to endure a long drive from Poland to England. We weren't allowed to open our windows. My mum threw up. Twice. FML

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By MonieIndmiddle - 13/11/2017 05:00

Today, my kids caught a virus from school. My husband stayed home with them since I make more money and he didn't want to risk me getting sick. Guess which adult has the runs and is puking every five seconds. Nope, not him. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2015 23:55 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

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By babydoll13211 - 4/9/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's pool party. He lives on a lake and one of our friends wouldn't get in the water. My best friend and I decided to push him off the dock. Once we had, I turned to see my crush who had watched looked shocked. Then said "You know he can't swim right?" FML

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By Infested Girlfriend - 30/4/2020 05:00 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Sharing is caring

Today, my boyfriend and I are so close that we share everything. This now includes his head lice. Thanks, dude. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

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By hitintheeye - 26/11/2011 15:09 - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

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By bigscarypuppy - 22/8/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 03:01 - United States - Fremont

Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML

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By Crochocinco85 - 13/3/2014 11:59 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was walking through the main lobby at school and I saw someone waving at me, so I waved back. Turns out she was just cleaning a glass door. I heard laughter behind me. FML

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By moorox45 - 16/1/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

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By FrOsTy25 - 13/4/2011 22:57

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

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By G - 8/10/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML

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By Hannah - 21/12/2010 17:01 - United States

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

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By left alone - 29/8/2016 12:46 - United States - Schenectady

Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 06:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I have a busy day of college work ahead of me. I figured I'd best have a good breakfast. Then I realised I'd completely ran out of food except for various types of sauces and condiments. So what am I having for breakfast today? That's right. A nice cup of Gravy. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2013 21:06 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

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By shamwazzlefarznarfnarfwoofbaaa - 29/3/2015 14:03 - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to teach my grandma how to burn files to CDs. I jokingly said that it doesn't involve literally burning the disks in fire, to which she responded by slapping me and calling me a patronizing brat. FML

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By dammitt - 10/10/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, my best friend and I went to the movies. There was a hot cashier, so I thought it would be cool to talk in a British accent to try and be sexy. I walked up and started talking when he interrupted me and said in a very heavy British accent, "I know you're faking. You can stop now." FML

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By moonbears - 22/10/2015 16:46 - United States - Portland

Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2014 00:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 18:09 - United States - Victorville

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 11:36 - United States - Big Pine Key

Today, for the fifth day in a row, I have awoken at 6am to the sounds of my roommate's guest's child screaming. If it's anything like the last four days, the child will continue to randomly screech every fifteen minutes or so for the next five hours. I work 13-hour night shifts. FML

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By waterballoons - 27/7/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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By bestbfever - 17/5/2017 02:00

Today, my drunk boyfriend called me by my best friend's name in bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 15:15 - United States

Today, I started my community service at the dog pound. I like animals so I thought it would be a good place to do it. As I arrived they were throwing dogs that had been euthanized into a dump truck to be taken to a landfill. That was my job for the day. FML

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By awesome - 23/3/2011 00:18

Today, my friends thought it would be hilarious to show me Marley and Me the day right after I had to put down my dog. I had my dog for 11 years. FML

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Top comments

By xMooMoox | 0

#73308 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:05

Now is the time were you sneak a guy into the house and have really loud sex. When she catches you say "I thought you wanted me to get some!" And walk away.

By Pearson_fml | 0

#141590 - Saturday 25 April 2009 10:20

you should have said somethin along the lines of "you don't have to have a boyfriend to have sex y'know"

Comments

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#30828 - Saturday 14 March 2009 4:08

Ouch.

Reply

guitarheaven789 | 0

#1012317 - Sunday 30 May 2010 8:07

damn ur mom is shitty crap. I'd never want a terrible fucked up mother like that! she fucking needs a cock up HER cock

Reply

1personinthiswor | 0

#1471995 - Wednesday 29 September 2010 5:54

I don't understand how this is an FML. Did you want her to think you were having sex with people you weren't dating? She gave you an out of the "talk", you should thank your lucky stars, fool!

Reply

CameronJak | 0

#2374644 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 21:48

It would hilarious if the next day you said mom I'm pregnant... oh and I have aids :)

Reply

plborman | 1

#2989727 - Friday 29 July 2011 0:31

why is she a horrible person, she's just telling the truth. the burden is on you to get a boy friend.

Reply

CaroAurelia | 12

#6238388 - Friday 20 March 2015 20:22

True, but as a chronically single woman, I wouldn't be too happy if someone reminded me that I'm single and not getting laid. Especially not my mum (although I try to avoid talking about sex with her in the first place because ew).

By xMooMoox | 0

#73308 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 23:05

Now is the time were you sneak a guy into the house and have really loud sex. When she catches you say "I thought you wanted me to get some!" And walk away.

Reply

Boomi | 38

#6689511 - Wednesday 14 September 2016 16:54

Pfffft! Sounds like something my brother would do.

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#77722 - Thursday 2 April 2009 21:30

I would immediately make sure that a war would ensue.
Screw that; I'd be irritated as hell. >_>;;

By Kdc__ | 0

#101455 - Saturday 11 April 2009 7:13

Hah i feel sorry for you. This sounds like the total opposite of something my mom would do. in fact, she's been encouraging me to get serious with a guy i've only been on one date with.

By FoxFire_fml | 0

#120423 - Saturday 18 April 2009 0:10

sorry 4 you=( but being a sarcastic moron i wouldve said under my breath (loud enough so ur mom could hear) "thats what you think"

By Pearson_fml | 0

#141590 - Saturday 25 April 2009 10:20

you should have said somethin along the lines of "you don't have to have a boyfriend to have sex y'know"

By deannababy | 0

#196893 - Thursday 14 May 2009 2:41

hahahahahha i love your mom!

By hanners | 0

#200062 - Friday 15 May 2009 2:16

who says you need a boyfriend?

By Ixnay_ | 0

#404482 - Friday 17 July 2009 12:04

Your mom's a bitch! :D

By nerdking21 | 10

#536971 - Thursday 3 September 2009 21:11

"hey mom, when I turn around, pull the knife from my back."