Kids: Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my... - FML

By hairdresser - Thailand

Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She just cut my sister's hair. FML

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There's no helping some people

Broken bum

Blender time!

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, while on the bus, a small child asked me if I was having a baby, and I replied "Yes." I'm not. I was just too ashamed to admit I was fat. FML

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By NeedTea - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

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By Kelleee

Today, I paid £200 for a car service to make sure everything was running okay. I got the all clear that everything was perfect and all necessary fluids topped up. I then wrote the car off 20 minutes later in an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, I had to deal with yet another day of people looking at my name tag and saying "You know nothing, John Snow." with a shit-eating grin, like they're the wittiest people alive. Then I had to deal with my boss telling me to lighten up, because it's "just a joke". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while celebrating at my friend's birthday party, I fell down a flight of stairs, got into a fight with my flatmate, and ruined my friend's outfit after drinking too much. I'm expecting I'll need to find a new place to live tomorrow. FML

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By Somerandomguy64 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By forever_young - United States - Rochester

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

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By Rin - United States

Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he's also a better looking woman than I am. FML

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By Grauncho - United States - Chicago

Today, while dog sitting my neighbor's Great Dane, I decided to order pizza. As soon as I received it, the dog stood in the hallway staring at me. As soon as I moved, he ran full force and knocked me into the door, causing me to fall and drop the pizza, which he promptly devoured in front of me. FML

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By Clueless - United States

Today, at work, we've just hired a new load of people. As an icebreaker, we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group. I got matched up with someone I've worked with for 4 months. Mid-conversation, I blurted out "I don't know your name." FML

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By doblex - United States

Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

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By burritobreasts

Today, I woke up to my roommate trying to put a burrito and a pack of mild sauce in between my boobs. He's only lived here for two weeks, and this is the second time I've woken up to him doing something like this. FML

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By uwbeautyqueen12 - United States

Today, I woke up on the floor after I fell asleep last night while counting my tips. The pennies stuck to my face and left large blue circles from the copper. The blue won't come off. I have my senior photos today. My appointment can't be rescheduled. FML

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By c*nt - Canada - London

Today, I was Skyping with this kid, when his girlfriend started arguing with him. They do this every other week, and there was a bet on when they'd finally break up. I egged the guy on and told him not to take her shit. She ended up dumping him. Now I feel like an asshole, and all for a lousy $20. FML

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By BestBF - United States - Omaha

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

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By Hunter

Today, my five year old son was sick with a stomach bug. He didn't want to leave my side so I decided to grab a bowl from the kitchen for him to puke into. The thing is, it was dark in the kitchen and I accidentally grabbed a strainer. My new outfit is now ruined. FML

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By wetbutt - United States

Today, I yelled at my little brother for leaving the toilet seat up and told him he needed to go around the house and make sure they were all down. I went to the bathroom later to find that the toilet seats and covers from every toilet had all been removed and were sitting on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to help my dad remove a splinter. From his butt. FML

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By claira

Today, my mom made me take a pregnancy test since I missed my last 4 periods. It came back positive and my mom grounded me. I’ve never had sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, while in heavy traffic on the highway, a motorcyclist managed to t-bone my car. He picked himself up, glanced at the side of my car, and quickly drove off, all in the space of a few seconds. I just got an expensive paint job on this thing. FML

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By hala - United States

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spanaway

Today, an elderly patient complained because I used the words "vaginal" and "breast". I work at an OBGYN's office. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Why do people do this?

Today, a friend showed me my husband's online dating profile, which includes photos of him with our kids. FML

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By headache

Today, I have a new office-mate. I'm not particularly sensitive to odours but he wears so much cologne, I nearly throw up every time he walks in. Only 8 more hours till fresh air. FML

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By Username

Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML

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By EKG - United States

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex girlfriend. FML

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By gtrs750 - Canada

Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

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By seriouslywtf - United States

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

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By single - United States

Today, I met up on a blind date. He took a phone call one drink in and said he had to leave because he didn't know it was his buddy's birthday, and they were having a party without him. I offered to split the bill and put out a $20. He got up, unlocked the bicycle behind us and rode off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket. I put the ticket in my bag and accidentally left the bag in my friends car. When I returned, the car window was smashed, my bag was gone. I had to call the police department and ask them to send me a new ticket, on top of the $1000 or so I'd already lost. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hagersville

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

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By off-balance - Finland

Today, as I was trying to get off a crowded train, some asshole pushed past me hard enough to nearly knock me over. My bag hit a preschool kid standing behind me, and I missed my stop trying to apologize to him. His mom yelled at me all the way to the next stop. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share a toothbrush with her. FML

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By VampiresSayRawr - Canada

Today, I tried having intercourse with my boyfriend, and about 30 seconds in, I heard flipping. He was looking at a porn magazine. "It's to keep my erection" he answered. FML

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By are you kidding me - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, after working out at the gym, I went to grab my bag, and realized that my phone was missing. Panicking, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my phone, and dialed my mom's number to tell her I'd lost it. It took me until the last ring to realize what I was doing. FML

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By Starfucks - United States - Bensalem

Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

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By ihatemakingnames - United Kingdom - London

Today, I trimmed my ear hair, my nose hair, shaved my hobbit feet, and trimmed the little sprouts that give me a unibrow if left alone. I still can't grow a beard. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a free temporary tattoo of a scorpion in a packet of potato chips and decided to wear it on my wrist. Whilst I was in the shower, I got a shock, thinking it was a spider. I then lost balance and slipped, banging my head on the faucet. FML

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Top comments

By crazzle | 0

#625943 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:48

I think a fake pregnancy would be an adequate comeback.

By FerrariCake | 2

#625937 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:47

Cut your mom's hair off when she's asleep. That'll give her something to yell at you for. Then you can laugh and tell her you were just joking.

COMMENTS

By Orchid_fml | 2

#625920 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:43

hahah woow , that's bruuutal .

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#626190 - Sunday 18 October 2009 22:41

You only got 3 mins to save the world. Hurry.

Reply

Orchid_fml | 2

#626709 - Monday 19 October 2009 3:34

what are you talking about ?

Reply

Lahir | 0

#1006566 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 6:57

lmaoo how is that brutal I would be laughing so hard when my mom told me that she was kidding. get a sense of humor op

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1016108 - Wednesday 2 June 2010 7:43

ajjas?

Reply

luvppl | 6

#2713939 - Sunday 19 June 2011 6:54

no, because first they're sour, then they're sweet. :)

Reply

laylay33 | 6

#5331279 - Saturday 19 January 2013 21:03

Lmao . I ' m so cool I put spaces between my periods and apostrophes .

By Nobody_Luvz_Me | 0

#625926 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:45

wow thtz messed up...ur mom is lyke a real bettcch

Reply

sexxxtacy | 0

#626042 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:26

how is that messed up. if this happened to me i'd laugh

Reply

drano | 0

#626140 - Sunday 18 October 2009 22:17

If this happened to me, I'd karate chop my mom in the throat

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#626793 - Monday 19 October 2009 4:29

Karatechop? No. No karatechop.
Grab the scissors and jab them into her throat. =D
I'm a little demented today.

Reply

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1424371 - Sunday 19 September 2010 0:58

You haven't met the grammar nazi yet.

Reply

extreemguy19 | 7

#2575848 - Saturday 28 May 2011 0:49

^you beat me to it. I was going to say that what's messed up is your grammar and spelling.

Reply

x_Suki_x | 2

#3348366 - Monday 26 September 2011 7:33

#2- *that's *your *like *bitch

Reply

MehrunesDagon456 | 20

#6071906 - Tuesday 23 September 2014 3:54

*Wow *that's messed up. Your mom is a real b*tch. (Sorry for that but the lack of grammar is killing me)

By FerrariCake | 2

#625937 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:47

Cut your mom's hair off when she's asleep. That'll give her something to yell at you for. Then you can laugh and tell her you were just joking.

Reply

fawfulster | 11

#626682 - Monday 19 October 2009 3:20

WIN!

Reply

SaraLovesMyChem | 0

#1186408 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 8:36

YES. XD

Reply

mvanmourik | 0

#2297209 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 5:50

love the pic!!!

Reply

1x1y | 12

#4269711 - Saturday 7 April 2012 5:04

Geez...it was just a joke.

By crazzle | 0

#625943 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:48

I think a fake pregnancy would be an adequate comeback.

Reply

allysonnn | 0

#625965 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:55

definetly! :P

Reply

the_stereotype | 0

#626569 - Monday 19 October 2009 2:14

ftw

By kickrocksz | 0

#625948 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:50

LMAO! your mom's funny.

By bananamanama | 0

#625951 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:50

That's pretty bitchy.

Cut off her hair, see how she likes that.

By SookMauNoots | 0

#625954 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:51

i wudnt be apoligizing

By xdyingxwishx | 0

#625956 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:52

Haha damn, that's so mean. Your mom is a bitch.

By Turnip_Girl | 0

#625957 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:52

Your mother sounds pretty awesome to me...

By 22jrdn55 | 15

#625964 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:55

hahahahh
ur mom is awesome
best prank ever!