Miscellaneous: Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required...

By buryuntime - 03/03/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paper work. Later, she asks me, "What does Caucasian mean?". I ask, "Why?". Apparently she didn't recognize the word so she checked "other" and wrote in "white". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 445

You deserved it 5 453

Miscellaneous

Vulture

Compromises

Another great day to be alive

By notacreep - 06/07/2015 17:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while lifeguarding over children at work, I started thinking about my girlfriend and got a hard on. Before I realized it, I saved a kid and then hopped out of the pool next to a 5 year old in front of my managers and a little over 50 patrons with a raging boner. My HR meeting is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 422

You deserved it 8 191

By sexyconvo - 25/11/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I tried to convince my boyfriend to come over, telling him it would be "worth his time." He asked, "How?" I said, "Dazzling conversation of course. Just kidding, you'll probably get laid." He replied, "Oh. Well I would if it was for the conversation." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 405

You deserved it 7 349

By Till We Pass Out - 03/10/2015 15:30 - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 612

You deserved it 5 272

Dog hater?

By Elizabeth Haygood - 13/05/2021 04:01

Today, I had a phone interview for a better position at work. I've been training my puppy recently not to bark. I put on dog-calming videos while she was in the kennel. During the interview, my neighbor's dog started barking and my dog immediately responded back. My boss ended the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 138

By nothowitworks - 03/02/2018 19:30 - United States

Today, I was grounded for allegedly lying to my parents about being at my friend's house, in her outdoor hot tub. Apparently, my parents couldn't find me on Google Earth. I can't convince them that it's not actually a live feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 772

You deserved it 322

By newscomes - 14/10/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, after watching the news, I realized the only person who has ever wished that I had a good day, or wished that I had anything pleasant for that matter, is Charlie Gibson on World News Tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 544

You deserved it 3 553

Stay at home

By Anonymous - 27/11/2021 10:58

Today, I saw the coronavirus news this morning, all about the new variant. I've been working 100% remotely for past year and a half. Here we fucking go again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 135

By jameen - 07/05/2016 11:48 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 676

You deserved it 1 011

By webperson04 - 27/07/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 318

You deserved it 3 588

By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 03:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 083

You deserved it 2 905

By SensitiveTech - 26/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was loving on a dog at work. I noticed her fur was coarse and short and I'd never felt anything like it before. I broke out in hives all over my face. This happens whenever I'm around any cats, guinea pigs, or rabbits and now some dogs apparently. I'm in school to be a vet tech. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 614

You deserved it 458

By feeling dusty - 11/03/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 681

You deserved it 1 520

By apparently inexperienced - 11/09/2012 16:54 - United States - Brockton

Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 633

You deserved it 6 457

By snowlover - 16/02/2014 07:37 - United States - Fremont

Today, I was driving through the mountains and there was a chain requirement. I went to put them on and found a note where my chains used to be saying, "Have fun in a blizzard now bitch" from my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 653

You deserved it 6 623

By Anonymous - 23/11/2011 22:58 - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 286

You deserved it 3 359

By Depressed - 14/07/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that we should take a break from our relationship, because it'd be best for the both of us. Later, I found out that she really meant it'd be best for her and her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 006

You deserved it 3 575

By stixx - 25/10/2009 17:18 - United States

Today, I got a new cat. I tried to reenact the opening scene from Lion King, where in Simba gets held up for everyone to see. The fan was on when I lifted my cat up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 689

You deserved it 75 383

By BobbyHutchinson - 20/10/2009 15:57 - Australia

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 785

You deserved it 2 827

By idontknowwhatiamdoing - 15/04/2014 04:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I handed in the answer sheet an hour into a 3-hour long exam because I couldn't answer most of the questions. Now, everyone thinks I'm genius because I "finished" quickly and they want me to tutor them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 323

You deserved it 12 597

By anonymous - 13/07/2015 09:45 - China - Shanghai

Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 869

You deserved it 2 051

By novapine - 01/10/2013 08:34 - United States - Staffordsville

Today, I was told there was a bench warrant out for my arrest because a notice to appear for jury duty was sent to my old address and I never responded. I haven't lived at my old address for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 418

You deserved it 4 016

By Susan - 18/03/2013 08:59 - Ireland

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 514

You deserved it 15 968

By DangerZone - 12/11/2009 03:05 - United States

Today, I was playing football for my school. I had the ball and was running down the sideline. The guy behind pulled my flag off along with my shorts and boxers. I dove to try to escape and I happened to land on the hottest girl in the class who was on the sideline. I had no pants on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 887

You deserved it 5 088

By ENDmySUFFERING - 21/07/2016 15:25 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 206

You deserved it 1 284

By ohgodwhyfml - 28/11/2015 14:32 - United States - Danbury

Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 809

You deserved it 3 173

By Dlord357 - 07/11/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, I had to deliver pizza to a nudist colony. I got an eyeful of more than I needed to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 983

You deserved it 3 989

By good citizen - 27/11/2011 08:58 - United States

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's ex. I decided to be a good person and hold the door for her as we walked into the store. She decided to be the bitch she is and stomp on my foot as she walked through the open doorway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 871

You deserved it 6 744

Ewwwwwwww

By Warriorwizzle - 15/12/2018 04:00 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I had to move down to the third floor because after complaining about rats on my rooftop the landlord put down traps. The rats died. Flies came. The flies laid eggs. The eggs birthed maggots. The maggots rained down from my broken ceiling into my bed and all over my floor. I'm not okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 985

You deserved it 206

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 027

You deserved it 2 834

By madbirthdaymomma - 16/05/2014 03:15 - United States - Roswell

Today, I was hosting my daughter's thirteenth birthday party. One parent decided to stay at my house, the only parent to do so. The entire night she critiqued every decision I made, from the films to the cake. When it was time to open presents, her kid was the only one without one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 730

You deserved it 4 326

By AreYouSerious - 27/08/2009 00:57 - United States

Today, my husband and I decided to take a romantic trip to the beach. We got pulled over, and shortly thereafter he was arrested. Just so happens you can't miss child support payments for your twelve year old daughter without getting a warrant. He has a daughter? We've been married for 14 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 707

You deserved it 3 644

By Orangehead - 28/11/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I went shopping with some friends. We were tired from walking around the mall all night, so we decided to sit and relax at a table. I was about to close my eyes when I got smacked on the forehead by an orange falling from the second floor of the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 258

You deserved it 3 889

By Noname - 14/03/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146 512

You deserved it 11 721

By avocadotoe - 14/11/2016 06:52 - United States - Big Bear Lake

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 152

You deserved it 3 049

By Anonymous - 28/07/2013 17:38 - Slovenia - Ruse

Today, on his way out of our apartment, my roommate's friend reached over and grabbed a handful of my popcorn. I was only mildly annoyed, until a little later, when I pulled out from between my teeth what could only have been a pubic hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 551

You deserved it 3 515

By daragnan - 10/01/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, I found out that last summer while my girlfriend worked on a Disney Cruise ship, she cheated on me with Tarzan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 396

You deserved it 3 065

Jammed

By stinky car - 16/08/2013 03:18 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I went on a new medicine. One of the listed side-effects was "anal seepage" and I spent the better part of the day laughing with my coworkers about how it's "not a real side-effect". I found out that it really is while stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 979

You deserved it 10 394

Good smell

By smellslikeroses - 30/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Oxnard

Today, while going to the bathroom, I noticed a smell lingering. It smelled good so I kept sniffing the air. And then it hit me. My poop! My poop smelled good and I'd been sniffing and enjoying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 638

You deserved it 1 805

Got a screw loose

By stupid^2 - 04/10/2021 20:00

Today, I did something you never ever should do. I removed the screw in the shower drain. What I didn't know was that it's impossible to know if the shower will leak afterwards. I just wanted to properly clean the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 574

You deserved it 248

By drixxy - 29/08/2012 15:01 - United States - Irvine

Today, my car was towed for the second time in front of my own house. They tried to tell me it was because they didn't think I lived there anymore. The person who had it towed had just spoken to me not three hours before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 072

You deserved it 1 686

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macfluffers 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:03

That's so ridiculous! XD It's funny how some people don't know common ideas.

bitchtits 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:26

yea F your mom's life, glad you're going to school...she clearly didn't

macfluffers 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:03

That's so ridiculous! XD It's funny how some people don't know common ideas.

flabbergaste22 0

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Thursday 11 February 2010 5:24

you're just too white to be Caucasian

happymelon 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 21:21

It's a common term, not a common idea. A common idea is that this mother is a dumbass.

SeaMen 3

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 5:36

I don't see the problem....your obviously not a chinese penis

kj51 5

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Wednesday 9 May 2012 8:07

Your schools racist

1ThatOneGuy1 0

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Saturday 27 October 2012 5:34

How...?

Amkii 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:10

lol Wow.

Sora_fml 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:10

Lmao, epic failure.

Nitros_fml 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:12

Lol that is just funny, not very "FML" worth though...just funny

natepyron 0

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Sunday 14 March 2010 6:31

well it's an fml because now the school thinks he's retarded

xbentxlovex 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:14

rofl. that's just funny.

shazammmxO 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:16

hahahaha

babbling27 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:19

I agree with Nitros. It's funny but how is it FML? maybe F your mom's life

bitchtits 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:26

yea F your mom's life, glad you're going to school...she clearly didn't

Ninjasaurus18 9

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Saturday 28 April 2012 18:00

Lol, that's what I said.

Sora_fml 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:31

lmao i still cant get over this. Loool silly white people.

ZING_MASTER 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:31

How does it feel to be half-retarded? ZING!!!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 39

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 481

You deserved it 25

Dog hater?

Stay at home

Ewwwwwwww

Jammed

Good smell

Got a screw loose

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