Kids and Health: Today, my mother turned up drunk at my house with a chocolate... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, my mother turned up drunk at my house with a chocolate cake for my 14th birthday. I'm 27, I haven’t seen her in 6 years, I'm allergic to chocolate, and when she saw I had 2 kids she wanted to know why I bothered since kids are always "such a disappointment". FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Out of it

Clocked

By Noname - United States

Today, I went for a jog in my neighborhood. While I was running I passed my girlfriend's parents who were out for a walk. Trying to make a good impression, I stopped to talk. When I got home I realized I was wearing a shirt that friends gave me as a joke. It said "Blow me, bitch. It's my b-day." FML

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By Jeezus - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after a week of waiting to hear something about my stolen car, I got a letter in the mail saying it had been impounded the same day I reported it stolen, but they don't share a database with the police so they never called. Now the impound wants $900 plus $120 for the tow to release it. FML

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By Seriously?

Today, my friend with benefits got my new car stuck in a mud hole. I had to call my ex to get us unstuck. FML

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By mraow123 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog but every time he looked like he was about to "go", he became uninterested with the spot and kept walking. I, following behind, tripped over a bump in the sidewalk and face planted. My dog then finally urinated, all over my aching body. FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 02:02 - Germany - Emden

Cooperation

Today, I share a bathroom with two other people and we divide tasks equally. They take care of making it dirty; I take care of making it clean. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

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By Unemployed - United States

Today, a customer had an allergic reaction to the almonds in the sundae I made for her. We're supposed to put the almonds on unless the customer asks otherwise. She complained to my boss that I'd poisoned her. FML

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By 5.9Cummins - Canada

Today, the hillbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 a.m. and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart. FML

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By Anonymous

Love is blind

Today, my ex-wife confessed to me that she's in love with my father and broke down crying because he's never approved of her. FML

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By Anonymous

Great boyfriend

Today, I'm 37 years-old and recently out of a job. As my boyfriend refuses to pay more than half the rent as long as I live here, I have no choice but to move back in with my mom, 8 hours away. My man is quite happy to pay the entire rent as soon as I'm gone. FML

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By Etown - United States - Evansville

Today, a friend texted me to get a ticket and go to the theme park with her tomorrow. I bought a ticket and didn't hear from her until 5 hrs later to say she was sorry, but she doesn't think she'll be going. It was $65 and non refundable. FML

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By .. - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

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By The Christmas Grinch - Canada

Today, I woke up to my yard covered in snow, Christmas music playing loudly, and my noisy, obnoxious aunt and her three year old twin daughters playing and screaming. They're going to be living with us until after the winter holidays. It's only November 18th. FML

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By the_captain - United States

Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into my checkout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms, a bottle of KY sensual lube, and two colorful thongs. As I'm scanning these, she leans in and whispers, "I love toys." FML

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By Leigha - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

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By NightzGremlin - 12/9/2020 14:01

No sleep for the wicked

Today, I came home from work to find construction workers repaving my street. I work the graveyard shift. FML

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By sabadaba - United States

Today, at the DMV, I was told to push my forehead against a vision testing device on the counter to activate a blinking light. When nothing happened, the employee started yelling for me to push harder. I tried again, only to knock the whole thing into her. FML

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By meeee - 13/2/2021 23:01

Nice to see you

Today, I saw my 89-year-old grandmother naked. She just moved in with us and apparently, she has an "open door policy." FML

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By smidgit

Today, after many days of messing around with wording and pictures, a huge and expensive printed card order came in to the office. I spelt the first word wrong. I can't get a refund. FML

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By hashtag beard life - 12/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Assumption Day

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said she, “hates daddy’s kisses because they feel funny.” My extended family freaked out and assumed the worse. My husband has recently grown a beard and my daughter hates how scratchy it feels. He’s not a monster but they still treat us weird now. FML

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By Neverthebride - United States

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

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By Kerry - 22/2/2021 20:01 - Canada

Bathtime

Today, I was running water for a relaxing bath. There have been some problems with the town's water for a while now, so I was pleased when the water looked so clear. Right as I thought that, however, the water instantly changed from crystal clear to shit brown. FML

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By beurk - France - Paris

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, a tiny worm was wriggling across the screen of my Mac laptop. I tried to wipe it away with my thumb, but it just kept crawling. Turns out the worm lives *inside* my screen, beneath the glass. FML

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By yepintheladiesroom - United Kingdom - London

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

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By NotTilly - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

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By tbw - United States

Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got married to the love of my life, with whom I've been with for 5 years. It's also one of the 3 times a year where he's got so drunk that, instead of puking in the bed like last time, he puked all over the side of my car while I was driving us home. FML

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By Jerf - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on, and listening to loud music when she suddenly looked worried and asked if I heard something. I said no and continued. Moments later, three firemen opened the bedroom door and told us to get dressed and go outside because the building was on fire. FML

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By fucking mafia or what?? - United States - Marysville

Today, I opened the door to go out for groceries. Lying on my doorstep was a pile of poop. A piece of paper was taped to the ground beside it that read, "Do it again and you'll get more than dog shit." I don't have the slightest clue who I pissed off, or how. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML

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By ZeroLuck - United States - Miami

Today, I was at the gym when I noticed a girl I like working out on the elliptical. I went to go say hi, but chickened out and went to run on the treadmill in front of her instead. I was so nervous that I tripped and the machine threw me headfirst into her machine. FML

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By Xx_DEXIJOKER_xX - United States - Spotswood

Today, my father picked me up from the police academy I'm attending, and got caught speeding. The officer was my drill instructor, and I had to do push-ups on the side of the highway. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I was working at my job as cashier. This really attractive girl that comes in walked in, so I mustered up the courage to ask her out, by writing my number on a dollar bill. She pays and a dollar is her change. I go to hand her the money when she sees it and says, "Keep the change". FML

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By Dasani - United States

Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML

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By smashed - United States

Today, I bought my nephew some giant green Incredible Hulk fists for his birthday. He thanked me by Hulk-smashing me in the nuts. FML

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By ihatemyjob - United States - Ridgeland

Today, my boss found me on a dating app. He found it perfectly acceptable to message me and didn't understand why I wasn't comfortable with it. He now wants to have a meeting with me about inappropriate behavior outside of work. FML

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By Stupendous_ - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By rattrap - United States

Today, I checked over the pictures on my night-cam to see if my cats are really going on our kitchen counters. As soon as I'd seen the first picture, I realized that this whole time my cats haven't been going on it. It was a rat. FML

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Top comments

By Tim Carver | 9

#7692241 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 20:55

why does she know where you live if you havent seen her in 6 years

By MidnaLink | 32

#7692232 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 20:28

So, does that mean she was a disappointment too?

COMMENTS

By Bloo2555 | 22

#7692218 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 19:50

Wow. Just wow.

By Zekfen | 17

#7692230 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 20:19

Your momma drinks because you cry. She was sober for those 6 years. Good job!

By Ladisa | 28

#7692231 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 20:26

This got progressively worse.

By MidnaLink | 32

#7692232 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 20:28

So, does that mean she was a disappointment too?

By Tim Carver | 9

#7692241 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 20:55

why does she know where you live if you havent seen her in 6 years

Reply

Noelletakumi | 36

#7692481 - Thursday 13 September 2018 10:18

Maybe he hasn’t moved house in six years?

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#7692344 - Thursday 13 September 2018 1:56

Are your kids allergic to chocolate? No? Free cake!

By R3L4Y_- | 4

#7692376 - Thursday 13 September 2018 4:46

This is so random
But its still hilarious!

By zuckerburg | 21

#7692416 - Thursday 13 September 2018 7:50

i find it weird that so many FML users are allergic to chocolate. It's almost like you HAVE to have a chocolate allergy to be or post on this site...

Reply

alycion | 38

#7692519 - Thursday 13 September 2018 11:33

Being allergic to chocolate is a FML in itself.

By boopingsnoot | 23

#7692532 - Thursday 13 September 2018 12:12

r/JustNoMIL

By chosha_fml | 25

#7692696 - Thursday 13 September 2018 16:36

Some parents are way more disappointing.