Kids: Today, my mother told my boyfriend a cute story about me when...

By Anonymous

Today, my mother told my boyfriend a cute story about me when I was little. The one where my cousin and I were caught pooping in a urinal in the church basement. FML

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Kids

Late term

Surprise strike

Like the beginning of a porno

By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia

Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML

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By LoveSick

Today, I'm getting married. I woke up with no voice to say my I dos with. FML

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By waymoreiwanted - United States - Ashland

Today, I opened up a snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to endure my father going on a sexist rant about how women shouldn't be allowed to go to university because it's "unrealistic" since "all women" become stay-at-home mums. This is the same man who threatened to kick me out if I dropped out of uni. FML

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By parentalnightmare - United States - Laurel

Today, I was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition. My parents seemed very sympathetic and my mother even cried. When we got home, though, they started laughing and asked if I really believed all the shit the doctor was talking about. FML

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By LGFLIPSTER - Canada

Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she called "can you help me get the rest of the groceries out of the car?" I approached the car, and helped her un-load bags. She began hitting me, screaming "SOMEONE IS STEALING MY THINGS". She was actually asking her son in the car. FML

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By pretty princess - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

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By alltern8ive - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

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By fouryearswasted - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

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By notoneatall - Canada - Oakville

Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Bergen

Today, I went to a river near my house. They have several swing ropes that you grab and then jump into the river. As I was about to let go of the rope, my leg got tangled and I was held underwater. My mom watched and laughed for a while before she came to help me. FML

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By ayeayeboy19 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML

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By Sybil90 - United States

Today, a bee flew in my car so I swerved off the road and hit a mailbox. It was a metal keg filled with cement buried in the ground. Taking my father's advice I fled the scene. Later my mailman knocked on my door holding part of my bumper. He said "Excuse me, I think you hit my mailbox this morning." FML

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By UniStudi

Today I sent a message out to a support group to get and give support following a sexual assault, the person who responded and was giving advice was the person who assaulted me. FML

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By HSPARKS - 12/5/2020 05:00

Big baby man

Today, I woke up to my apartment in a state of total disarray. I've been asking my boyfriend to get either get a job, or clean the house. I just had a bunch of dental work taken care of. He doesn't have a job, and doesn't want to find one. I'm tired of trying to raise an already grown man. FML

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By nobrony - United States - Katonah

Today, my girlfriend got a tattoo of a Rainbow Dash over her pubic mound. Now whenever I go down on her, I'll be eye-to-eye with an adorable pony that shits rainbows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought he would take my key and steal my shoes from my football locker while I was at practice. What he didn't think about was him leaving my locker unlocked for the 3 hours of practice. Someone stole my iPod, my cell phone, my wallet, and all of my clothes. FML

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By emzymcsmiles

Bye bye, then

Today, I learnt that I can't share my things with other people. This includes my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a phone call from my boss, who'd hired me after two months of waiting and begging for this position. A week into the job, the company is closing our store. FML

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By anonymous

Next, on A&E…

Today, when I got out of the shower, my mother, my boyfriend, and 3 of my friends confronted me for an intervention. My problem? They think I'm a workaholic. What they don't know is that I lost my job 4 weeks ago. I stay up all night filling out job applications. FML

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By novaguy - United States

Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML

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By WhyAppleWhy - United States - Sarasota

Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML

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By Kimberlie - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't let me move into his new apartment with him. It turns out his other girlfriend had already moved in. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Ballwin

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

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By Eli - Canada

Today, I had a violent allergic reaction to some bread I ate at a restaurant. How did they apologize? By sending me a free basket of bread. FML

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By oh for f*cks sake - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, my baby brother learned to remove his nappy. He immediately used this new skill to shit all over my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2021 17:01 - United States - Little River

Overdoing it

Today, two months after beginning a steamy text exchange with the man I’ve been in love with for 13 years, he told me that now when he thinks of me he feels "warm and fuzzy." In a panic, I responded sarcastically, “Primarily in the dick, right?” That shut everything down real quick. FML

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By The Selfie Parent - Canada - Mount Pearl

Today, I looked at my twelve-year-old daughter's test. One of the question was, "When is a good time to worry about your parents?" Her answer was, "When they take selfies, because selfies aren't made for old people." FML

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By Surprisebuttsecks? - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the midwest blizzard hit my town, burying the roads in snow. All the local stores are closed. I'm not only currently on my period, but I'm out of pads and toilet paper. FML

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By unlucky - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. My doctor failed to fix it, but did succeed in practically dislocating the other one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while video chatting with my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, I thought I'd play a song for her on my guitar. The string broke and hit me in the face. I burst into tears and had to hang up. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, while at work I passed out due to my blood sugar not being normal. Despite the fact that it took 10 minutes to wake me, no one thought I was in any sort of danger. After the episode, I then got fired for "sleeping on the job." FML

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By dammit33 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Floda

Today, after nearly six weeks of seeing a nice girl, we finally decided to make it official. Two hours later, she pulled out a bridal magazine and not-so-casually asked me which wedding location I thought was the nicest. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, in addition to having to deal with chronic pain that keeps me from driving for more than 10 minutes, I now have to deal with my brother who thinks I'm not paying him enough for taking me to school 2 days a week, when he does the journeys for himself anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on the floor and pretend I was unconscious. We were supposed to be doing the recovery position, but the guy I was working with decided to perform CPR instead and grope my boobs in the process. FML

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By wideman - United States

Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML

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By Anonymous - Northern Mariana Islands - Saipan

Today, I was telling 3 classmates on Whatsapp about my depression. One of them told me to "nut up n grow a pear." Two hours after we mocked him for being an illiterate jackass, one of us has had our car tires knifed and another's house has been egged. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7453192 - Friday 12 May 2017 0:36

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but what happens in the church basement - that's boyfriend story material!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7453183 - Friday 12 May 2017 0:21

Two girls, one urinal?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7453183 - Friday 12 May 2017 0:21

Two girls, one urinal?

deathstroke990 | 22

#7453211 - Friday 12 May 2017 1:41

op is a dude

RichardPencil | 30

#7453216 - Friday 12 May 2017 2:26

The pictograms for male and female are too small and similar to be sure. I wish they just stuck with the circles with the arrows and the pluses.

Glowworm56 | 25

#7453252 - Friday 12 May 2017 5:18

Sometimes the gender gets marked incorrectly and the OP turns out to be the other one.

By pjsr | 32

#7453192 - Friday 12 May 2017 0:36

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but what happens in the church basement - that's boyfriend story material!

By pdelapuente92 | 11

#7453205 - Friday 12 May 2017 1:25

well...tell us more

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7453281 - Friday 12 May 2017 7:37

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

By GrumpyGrinch | 23

#7453325 - Friday 12 May 2017 8:46

FYL. Feel for you. My mother has this habit to tell people "cute" stories from my childhood. My advice is to cut it in the root or it may grow out of any sensible proportion. My mom and I are not speaking any more and I very surely do not introduce her to any of my friends.