Miscellaneous: Today, my mother started cursing at a lady for tooting her horn...

By howannoying - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my mother started cursing at a lady for tooting her horn at her in traffic, because there was "no need for road rage". When I tried to calm her down, she slammed on the brakes and told me to get out and walk. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Non-baby fever

One law for me…

By porkfriedlife - United States

Today, I went to a theater and saw "Bruno" with my mom. We saw "Borat" together, so I thought, 'Hey, how bad could it be?' I don't know what was more nauseating: Bruno's penis spinning around and talking or the fact that my mom thought it was hilarious and couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By sstahpp - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

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By traumatised - United Kingdom

Today, my new roommate decided to put his pet hamster in the same cage as my beloved hamster. Apparently he wanted them to make hamster babies. They are both males. His hamster attacked mine and tore it to pieces. I just finished cleaning up the mess. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a 24-hour taco shop, while he was wearing a tee-shirt that says "F*** Me I'm Famous." FML

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By Laila - United States

Today, my son asked me if the short films I write are for little kids or for adults. Since I write horror-filled films, I said it was for adults. He went and told his teacher that I made "adult films". FML

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By Username - France

Today, my boyfriend wanted to prove how honest he is so he showed me numerous texts in his phone where he told other women he was in a relationship before asking them to sleep with him. FML

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By jeezy - Canada

Today, I was working my shift and my ex girlfriend came in to apply for a job. She broke up with me for another guy so i can't stand being in the same room as her. The manager talked to her and decided to hire her on the spot. I need to train her. FML

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By theynamedmeluke - United States - Austin

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

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By whitecollar - United Kingdom - Scarborough

Today, during a conversation, my boss said, "What, what?" Before I could stop myself, I replied, "In the butt." FML

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By Tag - Australia - Perth

Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

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By knee pain - United States

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

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By not a photographer - 21/6/2020 08:08

Mom gets some

Today, my mom asked me to take a picture of her and a friend before they went out to dinner. I was getting ready to take the picture when I noticed the box showing the most recent picture. It was a nude. Of my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML

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By Jacklyn - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé and I decided to have a romantic rendezvous on the trampoline in our backyard. Or at least it was romantic, until I accidentally rolled off and all but crushed our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 17:00

Decisions, decisions

Today my marriage is one week away. Despite all the challenges we faced during COVID, we powered through everything. Today is also the day my work decided to tell me they're letting me go. I now have to either go on my improvised honeymoon or job hunt. FML

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By KaLa - Canada

Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

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By KarateKid76 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend when all of a sudden he stops, grabs my breasts with both hands, makes circular motions with them, and yells, "Daniel-san! Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!", killing my orgasm dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I walked in on my mother rubbing one out. For the third time. I then had to explain to her, also for the third time, why pleasuring herself in the living room is inappropriate. FML

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By fuckthat - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

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By Loho - Canada

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

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By tgd4444 - Malaysia

Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML

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By JuggaloSlasher15 - United States

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

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By leah_kascar - United States - Hialeah

Today, in the class I'm teaching, I assigned my students an essay to complete for homework. One student asked me if I was deducting points for bad spelling. I teach English. FML

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By ButNotBed

Today, I was told to be at a job site bright and early. I woke up and pounded several body smashing drinks to get going. They then called to tell me work was canceled due to weather. It's 0600. I can’t get back to sleep. FML

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By sprainedankle - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. I slipped a ruler into it and started scratching to relieve the itch. Part of the ruler ended up snapping off inside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

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By stephiew - United States

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

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By dpimente - 17/12/2020 11:05

With friends like these…

Today, I checked my bank account online and noticed two checks that I didn't write had gone through, so I got copies of them and recognized the handwriting. It was my best friend's. FML

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By depressed - United States - Hull

Today, I finally told my dad about how I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. He began to recite a commercial for depression meds, but he couldn't finish because he was overwhelmed with laughter. FML

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By Anonymous

Boring FML

Today, my wife of seven years told me she wants a divorce because I'm boring. FML

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By Blerp

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it snowed. So, a guy I like and I decided to go sledding. I really wanted to impress him by going down the hill and casually slowing down at the bottom right at his feet. Instead, I crashed into him and broke his ankle. FML

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By Anonymouse - United States

Today, while I thought my brother was playing with my new phone, he was actually texting a bunch of my friends that I have chlamydia. He deleted his texts so I wouldn't see them, and I spent a half-hour trying to figure out why I kept getting texts of shock and sympathy. We're both in our 20's. FML

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By ashleyevans - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

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By bunyipp - Australia - Macquarie Park

Today, I was at work and a lady came in with a cake - I work as a nurse in a pediatrics ward. While we were eating the cake, she told us she used her breast milk instead of normal milk. Now all of us nurses have to be tested. FML

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By themcdave - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

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Top comments

By maz95 | 17

#5370491 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:53

Maybe you were safer walking home than being in the car with your mum in that state.

By perdix | 29

#5370475 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:46

You should have said, "Aw, mum, gimme a brake!"

Even better, learn the difference between "brake" and "break."

COMMENTS

By sylvie211 | 6

#5370469 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:43

ha,my moms the same

mmmPoptarts | 6

#5370486 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:50

Your mom's just a horrible hypocrite.

happle | 21

#5370664 - Saturday 16 February 2013 18:45

Hungry hungry hypocrite.

HairyPunisher | 27

#5396815 - Friday 8 March 2013 4:07

Cool story bro.

By sigurd | 11

#5370470 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:43

Ironic statement about road rage.

GuessWhatKids | 13

#5371326 - Sunday 17 February 2013 8:50

Thanks for pointing that out, I can't read.

sigurd | 11

#5372183 - Monday 18 February 2013 1:58

Always nice to help :), jokes away. Sorry for the bad comment.

By 80sgurl | 15

#5370472 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:44

Next time just let her get out her road rage, so you won't get introuble or have to walk.

VannahJane | 17

#5370516 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:05

Road rage can make good drivers dangerous drivers.

lilhellian | 26

#5370522 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:09

I'd rather walk then be in a car with a road raged driver.. MY chances just seem higher that way..

Bluekaren16 | 19

#5370586 - Saturday 16 February 2013 17:05

#24- Yes, definitely your chances of living.

420Zombie | 17

#5370626 - Saturday 16 February 2013 17:44

but not your chances of being on time 24

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5370688 - Saturday 16 February 2013 19:15

Better late than never and it could very well be never if the driver has road rage.

By perdix | 29

#5370475 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:46

You should have said, "Aw, mum, gimme a brake!"

Even better, learn the difference between "brake" and "break."

gc327072 | 29

#5370482 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:49

I hate when people don't no the difference between two words.

ballpython | 15

#5370485 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:50

I would have said that "two"

ballpython | 15

#5370496 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:54

Their and There, To Too and Two, Your and You're, Weather and Whether, obviously Break and Brake. I could go on but I won't.

perdix | 29

#5370508 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:01

#13, you won't, but I will. You forgot they're and yore. Its and it's, discreet and discrete, principal and principle, site, cite and sight.

snufflelump | 12

#5370509 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:01

Brake me off a piece of that kit kat bar!

Sorry Perdix, I just couldn't resist finishing your comment for you! you can thank me later.. with a kit kat bar :)

Pleonasm | 34

#5370559 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:43

Practice/practise, Affect/effect, Quote/quoatation, alot/ a lot, A while/ Awhile

andyyroxx | 20

#5370561 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:43

You fool... you 'defiantly' do not seem to understand Perdix' comment.

gc327072 | 29

#5370582 - Saturday 16 February 2013 17:02

Noor didn't get the pun?! :0 *gasp*

perdix | 29

#5370621 - Saturday 16 February 2013 17:42

#34, yes, Noor, I'm surprised that you'd make such a rookie mistake. Being serious on FML? That's for n00bs!

By young_weezy_fml | 3

#5370476 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:46

there is usually need for road rage

happle | 21

#5370669 - Saturday 16 February 2013 18:47

Like when?

young_weezy_fml | 3

#5370884 - Saturday 16 February 2013 22:11

like when you cross in the middle of the road

By enbliss | 10

#5370477 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:47

hey, you gotta set a good example for your kids and she did GREAT!!!!

By Nicole1225 | 14

#5370480 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:48

Anger issues. She should probably see someone about that. You know, find another way to vent than to throw their child out of the car....

420Zombie | 17

#5370631 - Saturday 16 February 2013 17:47

huuuh? throwing her child out of the car to walk on the side of the road like a deranged hitch hiker ISN'T good parenting?!

By maz95 | 17

#5370491 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:53

Maybe you were safer walking home than being in the car with your mum in that state.

By Lionesse | 15

#5370500 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:56

OP auto know that Mom's can be crazy drivers.

iarefatal | 9

#5370514 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:05

Ahh I see the pun now

Lionesse | 15

#5370518 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:07

#19 It's a play on words. Otherwise known as a pun. Auto is a car. Like automobile. . . . . Why did you change your comment all of a sudden.. That grinds my gears.