Today, my mother started cursing at a lady for tooting her horn...

By howannoying - 16/2/2013 06:24 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my mother started cursing at a lady for tooting her horn at her in traffic, because there was "no need for road rage". When I tried to calm her down, she slammed on the brakes and told me to get out and walk. FML

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Miscellaneous

Ant life

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Time for the ER

By Anon - 1/4/2015 06:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I found out that I have testicular cancer for the second time in two years, and they may end up removing my last testicle. Knowing full well I was also born with an extra rib, the doctor at the consultation joked, "Hey, you'll be three quarters of the way to being a woman." FML

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By IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - 20/12/2011 11:49 - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2018 15:30

Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night. We thought we'd finally get a good night sleep ourselves, until my dumb husband fell asleep with the tv on and our 5-year-old ended up watching Saw 3 by herself. Now the 5-year-old wakes up with nightmares. FML

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By tramrider - 7/3/2010 16:29 - United Kingdom

Say cheese!

Today, I got on an empty tram and decided to sit at the back. A few minutes in, I heard a noise. Thinking it was the tram, I decided to ignore it. When I heard what sounded like a giggle, I looked around to see that it wasn't the tram, but it was some creepy middle-aged man taking photos of me. FML

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By stuckinalift - 18/2/2011 01:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I got stuck in a small elevator. It started to violently judder up and down after I pressed the 'Help' buzzer. The man on the intercom wouldn't stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 20:06

Don't drag me into this

Today, my boyfriend's 13-year-old daughter called me a "stupid f**ing b****" on Snapchat because her dad wouldn't go on the trampoline with her. I had nothing to do with any of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2013 16:48 - Norway

Today, I decided to end things with my boyfriend, thinking it would be fine since things have never been at all serious between us. He cried for hours before having his grandmother text me to say how heartless I am. FML

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By Anon. - 28/11/2009 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to look at my positive eBay feedback to feel loved. FML

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By Krit - 10/2/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

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By whyme - 8/12/2010 06:26

Today, feeling so depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, I texted a girl I had a crush on. Her response? "Can you please delete my number, you're getting annoying." FML

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By suckstobeme - 16/4/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML

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By Doglover - 13/10/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to climb up and sit in a tree for half an hour to avoid being mauled by a huge, insane dog. Its weird-looking owner eventually turned up, sneered at me, and walked off with the visibly smug dog in tow. FML

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By jjoker - 30/12/2019 14:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to the toilet to do a number 2. As I went to wipe, the toilet paper slipped out of my hand and I before my brain could register, I wiped my ass with my bare hand.. I also had curry the night before, so yeah. FML

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By Seriously_Scaredy_Cat - 27/11/2013 07:08 - United States

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

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By MaydayManic - 10/8/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, I finally went to my boyfriend's house to meet his family. When they were giving me a tour of the house, I noticed a Nazi flag on my boyfriend's bedroom door. FML

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By anonymous - 9/9/2012 06:15 - United States

Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML

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By Divorcee - 15/7/2019 04:02

Today, I learned that my wife had been cheating on me. What's worse? My kids found out three months before I did, and told me that they like him better than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2019 12:07

Today, I had breakfast at a hotel in Jamaica. The bill came to $1087 Jamaican Dollars, which is roughly $8.30 USD. When they swiped my Visa card, the hotel accidentally charged me $1087 USD. That's the most expensive omelet I've had in my life. FML

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By Elmo - 16/2/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I'm 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chapstick for my birthday. FML

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By reallyman__639 - 13/12/2011 12:26 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML

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By Pissy - 23/5/2019 06:05

Today, I thought my boyfriend wanted to be romantic by pouring a bath, getting in then calling me in. As I get comfortable, he stands up and gets out. At the same time, I notice yellow water. He'd pissed in the tub for a joke. FML

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By D: - 19/2/2015 20:45 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML

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By ekaay - 16/1/2018 15:00

Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML

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By FirmlyInEngland - 17/9/2009 09:23 - United Kingdom

Today, the boy I have crush on at school announced that his family were moving to Australia. My friend thought that it would be funny to spread a rumour that I was moving too, in order to follow him. Everyone has heard it, and unfortunately everyone believes it, including him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

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By Bigbaby - 11/6/2015 22:29 - United States - Ontario

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2011 00:09 - Denmark

Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML

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By Shopper - 23/5/2012 22:50 - United States

Today, I was shopping with a friend. We snuck into the same fitting room so we could give our opinions on each other's clothes. The suspicious saleswoman knocked on the door and asked how many people were in our room. I quickly answered, "It's OK. She's just watching." FML

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By Firstborn - 16/5/2017 19:00 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I got into a major fight with my parents over my younger brother stealing from me. Their response was to get angry at me for my "tone" with them. My brother is 18 with an obvious drug problem, but my tone is the problem. FML

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By notpayedenoughforthisshit - 21/7/2014 21:15 - United States - Boone

Today, for the third time this week, I had to clean up after someone who pissed themselves in the beer aisle at the grocery store where I work. FML

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By liynda - 6/5/2011 01:49 - Canada

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

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By Rush Snake - 5/1/2009 03:57 - France

Today, I tried to play with my Wii using the TV remote. FML

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By no boobies - 29/5/2013 16:39 - United States

Today, while shopping for dresses, I found a really cute one that fit me really well, but not at all in the breast area. My grandma screamed "buy her some titties!" Everyone in the store looked at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 01:48

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

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By airbiscuit - 21/1/2013 12:36 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Sensitive

Today, my hubby asked for a morning blow job, and I happily obliged. All was going great until he came and farted at the same time. I laughed and reassured him it was no big deal. He cried. FML

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By Clueless - 21/4/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, at work, we've just hired a new load of people. As an icebreaker, we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group. I got matched up with someone I've worked with for 4 months. Mid-conversation, I blurted out "I don't know your name." FML

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By nick - 12/1/2015 08:23 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I refused to serve a woman alcohol, as she looked underage. She complained to my manager about "age racism". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. Too bad it was on my brand new oven. FML

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Top comments

By maz95 | 17

#5370491 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:53

Maybe you were safer walking home than being in the car with your mum in that state.

By perdix | 29

#5370475 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:46

You should have said, "Aw, mum, gimme a brake!"

Even better, learn the difference between "brake" and "break."

COMMENTS

By sylvie211 | 6

#5370469 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:43

ha,my moms the same

mmmPoptarts | 6

#5370486 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:50

Your mom's just a horrible hypocrite.

happle | 21

#5370664 - Saturday 16 February 2013 18:45

Hungry hungry hypocrite.

HairyPunisher | 27

#5396815 - Friday 8 March 2013 4:07

Cool story bro.

By sigurd | 11

#5370470 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:43

Ironic statement about road rage.

GuessWhatKids | 13

#5371326 - Sunday 17 February 2013 8:50

Thanks for pointing that out, I can't read.

sigurd | 11

#5372183 - Monday 18 February 2013 1:58

Always nice to help :), jokes away. Sorry for the bad comment.

By 80sgurl | 15

#5370472 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:44

Next time just let her get out her road rage, so you won't get introuble or have to walk.

VannahJane | 17

#5370516 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:05

Road rage can make good drivers dangerous drivers.

lilhellian | 26

#5370522 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:09

I'd rather walk then be in a car with a road raged driver.. MY chances just seem higher that way..

Bluekaren16 | 19

#5370586 - Saturday 16 February 2013 17:05

#24- Yes, definitely your chances of living.

420Zombie | 17

#5370626 - Saturday 16 February 2013 17:44

but not your chances of being on time 24

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5370688 - Saturday 16 February 2013 19:15

Better late than never and it could very well be never if the driver has road rage.

By perdix | 29

#5370475 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:46

You should have said, "Aw, mum, gimme a brake!"

Even better, learn the difference between "brake" and "break."

gc327072 | 29

#5370482 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:49

I hate when people don't no the difference between two words.

ballpython | 15

#5370485 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:50

I would have said that "two"

ballpython | 15

#5370496 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:54

Their and There, To Too and Two, Your and You're, Weather and Whether, obviously Break and Brake. I could go on but I won't.

perdix | 29

#5370508 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:01

#13, you won't, but I will. You forgot they're and yore. Its and it's, discreet and discrete, principal and principle, site, cite and sight.

snufflelump | 12

#5370509 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:01

Brake me off a piece of that kit kat bar!

Sorry Perdix, I just couldn't resist finishing your comment for you! you can thank me later.. with a kit kat bar :)

Pleonasm | 34

#5370559 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:43

Practice/practise, Affect/effect, Quote/quoatation, alot/ a lot, A while/ Awhile

andyyroxx | 20

#5370561 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:43

You fool... you 'defiantly' do not seem to understand Perdix' comment.

gc327072 | 29

#5370582 - Saturday 16 February 2013 17:02

Noor didn't get the pun?! :0 *gasp*

perdix | 29

#5370621 - Saturday 16 February 2013 17:42

#34, yes, Noor, I'm surprised that you'd make such a rookie mistake. Being serious on FML? That's for n00bs!

By young_weezy_fml | 3

#5370476 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:46

there is usually need for road rage

happle | 21

#5370669 - Saturday 16 February 2013 18:47

Like when?

young_weezy_fml | 3

#5370884 - Saturday 16 February 2013 22:11

like when you cross in the middle of the road

By enbliss | 10

#5370477 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:47

hey, you gotta set a good example for your kids and she did GREAT!!!!

By Nicole1225 | 14

#5370480 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:48

Anger issues. She should probably see someone about that. You know, find another way to vent than to throw their child out of the car....

420Zombie | 17

#5370631 - Saturday 16 February 2013 17:47

huuuh? throwing her child out of the car to walk on the side of the road like a deranged hitch hiker ISN'T good parenting?!

By maz95 | 17

#5370491 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:53

Maybe you were safer walking home than being in the car with your mum in that state.

By Lionesse | 15

#5370500 - Saturday 16 February 2013 15:56

OP auto know that Mom's can be crazy drivers.

iarefatal | 9

#5370514 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:05

Ahh I see the pun now

Lionesse | 15

#5370518 - Saturday 16 February 2013 16:07

#19 It's a play on words. Otherwise known as a pun. Auto is a car. Like automobile. . . . . Why did you change your comment all of a sudden.. That grinds my gears.