Transportation: Today, my mother finally pressured me to wear my old helmet while...

By phlyingphuck - United States

Today, my mother finally pressured me to wear my old helmet while riding my bike. Halfway through my ride, 3 spiders came crawling out of it and onto my face, causing me to lose control of the bike and crash head-first. FML

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Transportation

Understandable

Instadrama

Let's go girls!

By Loveless - United States

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

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By notworthit - United States

Today, a guy I'd been seeing off and on for the past three years broke things off over a Facebook message. I replied, and told him that I was at least worth a phone call. He replied "Well, I'm sorry, I disagree." FML

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By DwarvenWalrus

Today, I was at the water park in Disney World when I felt something run down my leg. I thought that I just hadn't dried off all the way, but when I looked down, there was diarrhea running out of my shorts. FML

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By Amanda - United States

Today, I went to Safeway. Go in, get stuff, come out, and I have almost no room to get into my car because an SUV was parked in a compact spot next to me all crooked. Irritated, I got a pen and paper and wrote 'Nice parking you F*ing idiot' and stuck it on the windshield. Then I notice someone was in the SUV. FML

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By Candy_Crushed - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

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By elisimo - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML

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By minnie - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and I farted so loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML

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By Brody89 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

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By wtfiswronghere - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my grandmother insisted that Mexicans sacrifice humans every year as part of their Catholic religion. The Swaggart guy on TV said so, and apparently, he can't be wrong, ever. FML

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By Stinky - United States - Roanoke

Today, I learned that some days you win, and some days you clean up skunk carcass with a snow shovel in the rain in formerly waterproof boots. FML

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By fmlguy382 - United States

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

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By IMayBeAFool - United States

Today, after I have spent $3,000 dollars in preparations to move in with my girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years, she confesses she's a mental patient who stole someone elses identity. She was telling the truth. FML

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By nichaneely - United States

Today, I was working when an older lady came up to buy a coffee. Her son cried for a cup of whipped cream to snack on. She shook her head, silently telling me to say no. I said we were out. The mother took her drink and said, "I'm sorry honey, but the mean man said you couldn't have any." FML

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By Sean Martin - 6/2/2020 05:00

Best uncle

Today, I realized that the last 3 months, I've been taking care of my girlfriends 1 year old kid. The other night, she told me that I was a good uncle to him. FML

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280

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By themanontheright - United States

Today, my boss was using my computer and tried to copy and paste a website URL. It must not have copied first, because it pasted a URL to a porn site. I think I should start looking for a new job. FML

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By bobafett892 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

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By Kay Kay - 23/5/2020 05:00

Can't win, part 15

Today, while my parents were grocery shopping, I cleaned the kitchen, swept floors, did laundry, and cleaned bathrooms, only to finish right before they got home. After dinner, my dad bitched and complained that I didn't take out the trash and he had no room to throw away his paper plate. FML

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By Anonymous - Iceland

Today, my mom made me go shopping with her. It was freezing out, but she didn't wear a coat, boasting that she doesn't feel the chill like I do. By the time we drove home she was whining about freezing to death, and now I'm stuck in a house whose heating is set to "inferno". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 02:00

Yummy, apple crumble!

Today, I accidentally cooked my new Apple Pencil. Being magnetic, it stuck to a baking tray that was put down on the table I’d been drawing at, and went in the oven. FML

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1177

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By djl - Canada - Beaumont

Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML

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By emkatch - Canada

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

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By bieberyoulittleSHIT - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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By bananna - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

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By Stewtato

Today, a bat flew into my house. We locked it in my brother's room, complete with cats, and just barely got it back outside alive. We later found out it was an endangered species, so we also narrowly avoided arrest. FML

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1323

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I went to go see my granddad in the hospital and asked if he needed anything. He replied, "I need you to get out and send that hot nurse in, I may be old but I still got it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

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By PerturbedStudent - United States - Keller

Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8-year-old niece corrected my spelling via text message. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML

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By blahblah - United States - Richardson

Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick a hanging boxing glove, I knocked over a lamp, lost my balance and pulled down my curtains. My neighbor then looked through the window, started laughing and yelled, "KUNG FO POWA!" FML

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By DemiRawrs - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

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By SwAGkiLlS - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

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27849

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By mom2010 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

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41776

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By colebear - United States

Today, I went to hand in a job application, and the supervisor wanted to ask me a few questions. I was nervous so I kept touching the fabric on a nearby display table. Only after I left did my friend tell me it was a pantie display, and that I was fondling underwear. FML

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By c - United States - Denham Springs

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

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By :,< - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Reusel

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By notmyday - United States

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

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By alainopotato - United States - San Diego

Today, I woke up in a bathtub, completely soaked and covered in both mine and someone else's puke. Happy New Year. FML

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Top comments

By Juliett_fml | 0

#529300 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:03

well at least you were wearing a helmet...

By Ligerie | 0

#529336 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:13

Thats my worst fear, spiders popping out of nowhere and me dying as the result.

COMMENTS

By Juliett_fml | 0

#529300 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:03

well at least you were wearing a helmet...

ChurchofFagenism | 0

#529315 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:06

I was just about to say that hahah!!!

c3bu | 0

#529330 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:11

lol i was just about to say this

fym_fml | 2

#529332 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:12

Well now's the perfect excuse to buy a new helmet since the old one is used in an accident.

No_Heart | 0

#529388 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:49

Who cares about her, what i want to know is if the spiders are ok.

ninaaftermath | 0

#529474 - Monday 31 August 2009 17:39

I was just about to say this!!

AfroJesus | 0

#530367 - Tuesday 1 September 2009 0:26

YDI for having legs.

Getchooahhaa | 0

#530970 - Tuesday 1 September 2009 4:33

I laughed at 67

summer66_fml | 0

#531010 - Tuesday 1 September 2009 4:55

i was just about to say that too!!

Googoie | 0

#533605 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 6:54

Beat me to it...

your_mother | 0

#541782 - Saturday 5 September 2009 22:17

i was gunna saythat

megamandude455 | 10

#998602 - Thursday 20 May 2010 7:34

18 WINS!!!

Super_Salo | 0

#3658349 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 14:10

Hahah! I knew somebody would write this. (^.^)/

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#4198994 - Thursday 22 March 2012 4:43

Exactly Wut I was gonna say

klimpomppp | 9

#5492491 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 8:19

Ermagerd i was just Gunna say tht!

By ezdosremember | 0

#529301 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:03

Smashhoof | 15

#5343361 - Monday 28 January 2013 3:24

Proughboy | 7

#5347145 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 15:36

124

By fireandice27 | 0

#529308 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:05

Hahaha I'm always SO scared of this happening to me - I triple-check every single part of my helmet before I put it on!

By Ligerie | 0

#529336 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:13

Thats my worst fear, spiders popping out of nowhere and me dying as the result.

By Herborist | 0

#529338 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:14

You should've checked the helmet before you put it on, duh.

By wubbie6723 | 0

#529339 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:15

ahahaha i feel bad for u bc of the spiders and the crash. i think its time for a new helmet

whatevershesaid | 0

#755664 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 2:10

Oh, wow, really? I thought we were supposed to feel sorry for the mother pressuring the OP!
/sarcasm

By TheMikeyK | 0

#529344 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:17

lmao, I'm sorry, but YDI. You should have checked the helmet for any insects, or "safety issues" :)

By sublime93 | 0

#529350 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:20

Shouldve checked beforehand, especially since it hadn't been used in forever

By caramelize | 0

#529360 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:24

Sucks. FYL.

By gummy_b3ar_qt | 0

#529368 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:35

F* man, that wud suuuck! I'm totally afraid of spiders! :(