Transportation: Today, my mother finally pressured me to wear my old helmet while...

By phlyingphuck - United States

Today, my mother finally pressured me to wear my old helmet while riding my bike. Halfway through my ride, 3 spiders came crawling out of it and onto my face, causing me to lose control of the bike and crash head-first. FML

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Transportation

Mother of the year

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dangling modifier

By Anonymous - United States

Today, the three-year-old I was babysitting asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her he was at his house. I'm twenty and single. I lied to a three year old to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Norwich

Big tongue logging on

Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML

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By therundown - United States

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for Easter, my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML

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By BarBacked - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

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By me. - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when the condom broke. He told me to go put a tampon in to "soak up the kids". How did he graduate? FML

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By Faker - United States

Today, while shopping, an old man came up to me and told me I should be ashamed for walking around fake limping, and that it's horrible to mock people who actually limp from serious injuries. I wasn't faking, I was born without my right leg and I was getting used to my new prosthetic one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

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By Idk - United States - Wilton

Today at work I had recieved a lot of phone calls. I thought maybe it was a scammer line because I never recieve calls. Turns out my phone number was a character's same number in a TV Show. FML

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By c.m.g.

Today, I was taking a dump in a porta-potty at a fair. I had the runs really bad. All I have to say is that it's tough to take a shit that seems never-ending while other people outside are bitching at you and hammering on the flimsy door. FML

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By barman - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

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By MoncaBang - United States

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

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By Cheese luv - Australia - Watson

Today, my father threw out my $100 wedge of blue cheese because it "smelled funny". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

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By leprechaun23 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I accidentally left my sister's hamster's cage open and it escaped. My dad recently put mouse traps down. Guess where I found her. FML

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By college student - United States - Oxford

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

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By kaytay2469 - United States

Today, while I was working at child care, I told a two year old not to hit. He threw a bucket at me that bounced off my forehead. FML

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By Screwupify - United States

Today, while eating at a restaurant, I commented to the waiter about how large the pizza was. He then writes down his number, pats his crotch fondly, and informs me that "everything" I'm going to find at that restaurant is going to be big. He was serious. FML

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By random guy - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML

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By stitchesupmyass - United States

Today, I got my period. Last week, I fell out of a window and landed between my legs on a bush; I have massive swelling down there, and stitches over the ripped flesh. Now I'm bleeding out my period on top of the lingering wounds down there. It hurts even to pee, let alone menstruate. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my music students began a lively debate about whether or not a music stand would make a good weapon for the zombie apocalypse. What am I teaching them? FML

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By TheNaturalOrderofThingsSucks - United States - Seattle

Today, after pouring my heart out to a beautiful girl on Facebook, and having her return the favor, she typed a final message that read, "That was my friend. Please f*ck off now. Thanks." FML

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By Judiee - United States

Today, I was introduced to my boyfriend's family at their family reunion for the first time. As I sat on the couch, his 4-year old sister comes in and jumps onto my lap. For a moment I was happy to think his sister liked me, only to hear her say "You're fat! I like fat things." FML

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By DirtyCharmed - United States

Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML

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By MILF - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my 11-year-old son and I were going through some old photos. He saw one of me when I was 22 on a beach, wearing a bikini. He said "Wow! Who's that?" Quite proudly I said it was me. He looked at me and said "What happened?" FML

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By suspended - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brick

How Thoughtful

Today, I found out that my new serving job does in fact take the time out to write a check for $0.00. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I decided to check out a dating site, when I stumbled across my ex wife's profile. She'd had it for four out of the five years of our marriage. And no, it didn't rate us as a good match. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML

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By Stormy - United States

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

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By thisguy - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML

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By Clueless - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

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By Shouldn'taWornaThong - United States - Tempe

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 5-year-old figured out that if he has a mouthful of milk and he blows really hard, he can blow the milk out of his nose like twin fire hoses. I’ve washed the carpet twice in the past day, and my house still stinks of rotten dairy. FML

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By fatty - Canada - Calgary

Today, I yet again purposely avoided the 'Health and Fitness' section on Pinterest to keep my self-esteem up. FML

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By Mackdaddy - United States

Today, I was at basketball practice and my coach asked me how my knee was. When I lifted my pants to show him, my cheetah print thong that had been stuck inside the pants from the dryer flew out to the ground. FML

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Top comments

By Juliett_fml | 0

#529300 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:03

well at least you were wearing a helmet...

By Ligerie | 0

#529336 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:13

Thats my worst fear, spiders popping out of nowhere and me dying as the result.

COMMENTS

By Juliett_fml | 0

#529300 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:03

well at least you were wearing a helmet...

ChurchofFagenism | 0

#529315 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:06

I was just about to say that hahah!!!

c3bu | 0

#529330 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:11

lol i was just about to say this

fym_fml | 2

#529332 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:12

Well now's the perfect excuse to buy a new helmet since the old one is used in an accident.

No_Heart | 0

#529388 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:49

Who cares about her, what i want to know is if the spiders are ok.

ninaaftermath | 0

#529474 - Monday 31 August 2009 17:39

I was just about to say this!!

AfroJesus | 0

#530367 - Tuesday 1 September 2009 0:26

YDI for having legs.

Getchooahhaa | 0

#530970 - Tuesday 1 September 2009 4:33

I laughed at 67

summer66_fml | 0

#531010 - Tuesday 1 September 2009 4:55

i was just about to say that too!!

Googoie | 0

#533605 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 6:54

Beat me to it...

your_mother | 0

#541782 - Saturday 5 September 2009 22:17

i was gunna saythat

megamandude455 | 10

#998602 - Thursday 20 May 2010 7:34

18 WINS!!!

Super_Salo | 0

#3658349 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 14:10

Hahah! I knew somebody would write this. (^.^)/

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#4198994 - Thursday 22 March 2012 4:43

Exactly Wut I was gonna say

klimpomppp | 9

#5492491 - Wednesday 15 May 2013 8:19

Ermagerd i was just Gunna say tht!

By ezdosremember | 0

#529301 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:03

Smashhoof | 15

#5343361 - Monday 28 January 2013 3:24

Proughboy | 7

#5347145 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 15:36

124

By fireandice27 | 0

#529308 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:05

Hahaha I'm always SO scared of this happening to me - I triple-check every single part of my helmet before I put it on!

By Ligerie | 0

#529336 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:13

Thats my worst fear, spiders popping out of nowhere and me dying as the result.

By Herborist | 0

#529338 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:14

You should've checked the helmet before you put it on, duh.

By wubbie6723 | 0

#529339 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:15

ahahaha i feel bad for u bc of the spiders and the crash. i think its time for a new helmet

whatevershesaid | 0

#755664 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 2:10

Oh, wow, really? I thought we were supposed to feel sorry for the mother pressuring the OP!
/sarcasm

By TheMikeyK | 0

#529344 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:17

lmao, I'm sorry, but YDI. You should have checked the helmet for any insects, or "safety issues" :)

By sublime93 | 0

#529350 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:20

Shouldve checked beforehand, especially since it hadn't been used in forever

By caramelize | 0

#529360 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:24

Sucks. FYL.

By gummy_b3ar_qt | 0

#529368 - Monday 31 August 2009 16:35

F* man, that wud suuuck! I'm totally afraid of spiders! :(