Death, Cats and Animals: Poor old Raymond… - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 216

You deserved it 55

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 1 020

Poor old Raymond…

By LJ. - 13/03/2009 02:20

Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 287

You deserved it 4 276

Death Cats Animals

Sorry…

Dysfunctional

Can't win

Fresh air

By Anonymous - 21/05/2020 02:00

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 470

You deserved it 356

23/05/2017 18:00

Today, while on the bus, the girl in front of me asked me if I could find the orange she'd dropped. I couldn't see it, but when I told her that there was no orange there, she gave me the strangest look. She'd said ring, not orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 961

You deserved it 577

31/05/2016 19:05

Today, I went to a party. After asking several people about the ingredients in a cake, I took one bite and ended up in the hospital with a severe reaction to the nuts that "definitely weren't" in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 403

You deserved it 908

31/03/2010 04:44

Spicy

Today, I took pills to make sure I lasted longer with my girlfriend. Good news? It worked fine and is still working now. Bad news? We've been done for a good two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 135

You deserved it 33 003

08/10/2011 16:01

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 296

You deserved it 35 634

09/01/2012 02:41

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 041

You deserved it 3 926

11/06/2015 23:14

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 691

You deserved it 4 102

14/04/2016 04:11

Today, I got hit so hard in the head by a dodgeball that a contact popped right out. To make matters worse, I continued to get hit as a futilely searched for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 786

You deserved it 1 563

27/07/2016 17:26

Today, when I got home from work I was pretty "in the mood" so I put on some cute undies and a tank top and went to get my boyfriends attention, he was so into his new computer game all I got was a half smile and a pat on the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 357

You deserved it 2 690

Simple plan

By Crish - 22/11/2020 05:05

Spicy

Today, I was patiently explaining to my boyfriend what I liked in bed, after several weeks of unsatisfactory sex. He snapped at me and said, "80% of women fake their orgasms. Why can't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 138

04/05/2014 23:28

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 699

You deserved it 5 990

12/10/2015 21:35

Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 203

You deserved it 3 038

03/05/2016 13:20

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 734

You deserved it 2 100

08/08/2016 03:39

Today, my boyfriend bought me Cards Against Humanity because he thinks it would give me some motivation to make friends since I only have one and need three to play. Sad thing is, he's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 929

You deserved it 1 387

05/05/2011 14:40

Today, I discovered that my new boyfriend is the type of guy who, when there is a conflict, will just scream "I LOVE YOU" over and over hoping that it will solve itself instead of actually trying to work the problem out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 100

You deserved it 7 803

11/01/2011 09:43

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 461

You deserved it 4 423

15/03/2011 15:50

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 382

You deserved it 5 632

11/02/2009 14:45

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 933

You deserved it 8 226

21/11/2013 00:12

Today, I fell asleep at my bus stop following a long day at work. I woke up to a homeless man giggling after he had clipped dozens of clothespins to my clothes, shoes, and hair in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 607

You deserved it 7 881

15/06/2009 19:11

Today, I was on the phone with a prospective blind date. He asked me to describe myself so I said that I was fun, attractive and a little chubby but not fat. My 7 year old sister walked up to me and screamed "Jesus doesn't like it when we lie!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 267

You deserved it 15 186

29/08/2012 04:52

Today, I was giving a tour of my boat to a man who seemed interested in purchasing it. Everything was going great. That is, until, the motor stopped running in the middle of the ocean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 425

You deserved it 3 100

25/09/2013 19:23

Today, I invited my new girlfriend over for the first time. My roommate thought it would be funny to go on a porn site on my computer and leave it up. She saw it, freaked out, slapped me, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 924

You deserved it 3 858

Leave Me Alone

By gordogs 25 - 04/04/2012 10:53

Spicy

Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 992

You deserved it 12 987

17/03/2019 18:00

Today I took my dogs to the off leash dog park as usual. Today some dick decided to feed my pup alcohol while I was cleaning up after my other dog. Now my pup is sick and the vet is worried he may not survive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 332

You deserved it 210

20/06/2011 16:14

Today, I finally went to the bathroom after being constipated for two days. The good news? I lost two pounds. The bad news? The toilet won't flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 433

You deserved it 5 609

18/01/2010 06:36

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 870

You deserved it 4 833

12/11/2015 09:57

Today, I graduated from a top law school. My aunt's reaction? "I will never hang out with a cop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 279

You deserved it 2 060

28/01/2013 23:02

Today, my boyfriend came over for a family brunch, during which he told my mother, in vivid detail, how he gets the shits whenever he eats kale chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 928

You deserved it 2 965

07/11/2012 23:48

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 149

You deserved it 2 157

26/02/2009 16:17

Today, a stoplight turned yellow as I was approaching it. I was about to go through but saw a cop, panicked, and slammed on the brakes. I ended up in the middle of the intersection and had to reverse. Soon the light turned green, and I stepped on the gas. My car was still in reverse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 170

You deserved it 55 779

10/11/2015 22:34

Today, I tried to unlock my house's front door by hitting the unlock button on my car keys. It took me some time to realize my mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 892

You deserved it 8 126

The first step is admitting you have a problem: take away is bad for you.

By Tyr88 - 05/03/2017 02:00

Today, I opened my fridge. It's entire contents: half a takeaway meal and 4 bottles of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 484

You deserved it 1 553

Uncomfortable

By Jules - 09/12/2020 08:02

Today, while many women have a wardrobe full of nothing-to-wear, my mom has a fridge full of nothing-to-eat and a living room full of nowhere-to-sit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 572

You deserved it 76

30/07/2017 20:00

Today, after my boyfriend ignored me for hours playing video games, he gave me some attention for a little bit. When I tried to run my fingers through his hair, I missed and punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 870

You deserved it 797

Perfect contraceptive

By slapstick1982 - 22/11/2019 01:00

Today, I realized that my wife is on her 3rd month using an IUD. The side effect is nonstop bleeding. I haven't had sex with her since she got it. I'd say this contraceptive is working perfectly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 036

You deserved it 263

08/09/2012 17:26

Today, I decided to use hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 958

You deserved it 24 554

02/07/2014 23:20

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 786

You deserved it 5 394

02/03/2013 03:17

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 354

You deserved it 3 232

Toodles

By JinsNeck.exe - 19/01/2021 19:02

Today, after knowing my friendship group for 9 years, who were like my family, I found out that they actually hate me and have been trying to get me to go away for 5 years. When I left, they laughed at me, argued with me and their exact last words were, "K bye" and then kicked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 123

Use your socks

By Anonymous - 14/03/2021 05:01

Today, I accidentally dropped a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet. It was my last roll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 196

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Friday 13 March 2009 9:52

Your mom is crazy. SRSLY.

0___0 9

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Friday 13 March 2009 10:02

Ewww. I remember moderating this one, I pressed yes to see what people would comment. Lol, that's soooo creepy.

Comments

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Friday 13 March 2009 9:52

Your mom is crazy. SRSLY.

0___0 9

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Friday 13 March 2009 10:02

Ewww. I remember moderating this one, I pressed yes to see what people would comment. Lol, that's soooo creepy.

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Friday 12 February 2016 5:00

You don't have the "I moderated this" badge...

liquifiednate 21

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Sunday 16 October 2016 0:12

#170 this comment was made long before badges were a thing in fml. That's why the commenter doesn't have the badge for it

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Friday 13 March 2009 10:05

ewww... what's wrong with your mother???

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Friday 13 March 2009 10:12

wow.........sounds like your mother needs serious help...

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Friday 13 March 2009 10:14

...no comment. that's just...disturbing. Well, look at the silver lining...the cat's in a better place now...something tells me your mother was probably a wicked crazy owner?

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Thursday 18 August 2011 12:55

No comment?..... Yet... You commented? Hmm idk if you thought that out so well. Gj

offwithyourhead 0

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Friday 13 March 2009 10:20

That's really bizarre. Sounds like she loves it more than she loves you =/

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Tuesday 1 January 2013 0:55

Who knows? Maybe if OP dies before she does, her mom may do the same thing?

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Friday 13 March 2009 10:37

Jesus Christ--damn crazy cat people!

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:20

LOL, ikr

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Friday 13 March 2009 10:39

i seriously doubt the validity of this claim

katew 0

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Friday 13 March 2009 10:45

Oh my god.

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Friday 13 March 2009 10:59

oh wow, that sucks :P