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By Anonymous - / Thursday 27 January 2011 17:02 / United States
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By  Rocksygen  |  0

Wow, what a coincidence. This caused me to have a flashback to my days serving aboard the USS Futility of First Post. Yeah, it was a long time ago, but it's directly relevant to the FML, trust me on this. So there we were, en route to the Gulf of Aden on anti-piracy duty. The men were restless. I didn't know why at the time, just wrote it off as nerves. I mean, it was our maiden voyage, the men were bound to be on edge. My second-in-command, Nick "The Cunter" Rock, was on the bridge, flossing his nipples. The man had his faults, but one thing you couldn't accuse him of was having unkempt areolae. Those nipples had won more naval battles than I could recall, and I sure as hell wasn't going to judge my XO for being a stickler for personal hygiene. But that's a story for another day. It was all going smoothly. The crews of the pirate vessels were struck dead by the radiant shine of the sun reflecting off my shaven head, leaving nothing but a trail of ghost ships in our wake. Then IT came. We didn't stand a chance, it was all over before it even began, some dipshit had brought an undomesticated Perdix on board, and before anyone could unholster their sidearm, the creature had raped out half the crew. Even Big Nick's razor-sharp nipples couldn't hold out. It was only by the most staggering luck that just as my turn came, I was abducted by a UFO. I know what you're thinking: anal probing. No, people, no. It was a fate even worse than anal probing or indeed death. Gonna put it bluntly, people, because this is no laughing matter, no reason to beat around the bush. They forced me to listen to Justin Bieber's My World 2.0 album. Christ, it hurts just to think about it, but the world needs to know. Long story short, I woke up in a corn field in Texas, naked, ears bleeding, and with no reproductive organs left to speak of. They branded me a coward, said I'd deserted the ship. Bastards. They had to blame someone, and I guess it fell on me, being the captain. The price of serving your country. I only wish I could go back in time and take that wild Perdix on hand-to-hand like a man, but I sold my coked-up Delorean to cover my counselling fees. This is why I say this isn't an FML, cause I've had it so much worse. Wee-woo.

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By  Rocksygen  |  0

Wow, what a coincidence. This caused me to have a flashback to my days serving aboard the USS Futility of First Post. Yeah, it was a long time ago, but it's directly relevant to the FML, trust me on this. So there we were, en route to the Gulf of Aden on anti-piracy duty. The men were restless. I didn't know why at the time, just wrote it off as nerves. I mean, it was our maiden voyage, the men were bound to be on edge. My second-in-command, Nick "The Cunter" Rock, was on the bridge, flossing his nipples. The man had his faults, but one thing you couldn't accuse him of was having unkempt areolae. Those nipples had won more naval battles than I could recall, and I sure as hell wasn't going to judge my XO for being a stickler for personal hygiene. But that's a story for another day. It was all going smoothly. The crews of the pirate vessels were struck dead by the radiant shine of the sun reflecting off my shaven head, leaving nothing but a trail of ghost ships in our wake. Then IT came. We didn't stand a chance, it was all over before it even began, some dipshit had brought an undomesticated Perdix on board, and before anyone could unholster their sidearm, the creature had raped out half the crew. Even Big Nick's razor-sharp nipples couldn't hold out. It was only by the most staggering luck that just as my turn came, I was abducted by a UFO. I know what you're thinking: anal probing. No, people, no. It was a fate even worse than anal probing or indeed death. Gonna put it bluntly, people, because this is no laughing matter, no reason to beat around the bush. They forced me to listen to Justin Bieber's My World 2.0 album. Christ, it hurts just to think about it, but the world needs to know. Long story short, I woke up in a corn field in Texas, naked, ears bleeding, and with no reproductive organs left to speak of. They branded me a coward, said I'd deserted the ship. Bastards. They had to blame someone, and I guess it fell on me, being the captain. The price of serving your country. I only wish I could go back in time and take that wild Perdix on hand-to-hand like a man, but I sold my coked-up Delorean to cover my counselling fees. This is why I say this isn't an FML, cause I've had it so much worse. Wee-woo.

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WOOOOO! FML spam!

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  SweetJTBR  |  22

And... How is that related to OP's Story? @OP: Just forget about it! How do you think you were born xD?

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  Doortje  |  26

Fuck you Rocksygen, Justin Bieber is awes-- aaaah, never mind, I can't even get mysef to type it. FYL man, you should totally write an FML about this. But unfortunately I don't think 300 characters are going to be enough to cover your truly saddening story.

Reply

Was it worth it Rocksygen? WAS IT? You coward, you ran from Perdix and left you men to horrors that are unspeakable. They will never be right in the head again. I bet it was you that brought that undomesticated Perdix on board and released it among the sailors, you bastard! What am I yelling at you for, you can't even hear me after your ears were ruptured. I hope you have those songs stuck in your head forever.

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  Doortje  |  26

Actually, you do need to write essays in the comment section. It's kind of the whole point of FML. You write an essay, and the moderators grade it. I've been getting straight As so far, but that's because I'm bribing them with hash brownies. When I finish this year I can proudly put my FML Diploma on the wall above my bed.

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  BoCo_fml  |  9

I think the mental picture of his Mom's sagging tits in Victoria's Secret lingerie is the FML here. So, OP, I say that this an FML. Now go watch the nastiest, bloodiest horror movie you can find to get that picture out of your head.

By  Rick_S  |  3

Get back at your Mom by telling your Dad about it. That way, when he sees her in it, he'll think of you, and (hopefully) be unable to enjoy them.

By  Chris5146  |  3

Sorry to break it to you, but parent's have sex. Your also born because your mom was in your dad's pants. What are you, a grade 5 kid who never had sex ed or visited a pron site? ...

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  TheNewGuy03  |  26

i think that it's also embarrassing for the op, as he's in a victoria's secret (a public place) with (and for) someone who is not his girlfriend or wife. mom: does this look good on me? op: *looks around skittishly* um...uh... what would make op's mother think this is okay? |the kid|

By  perdix  |  29

FYL for having a mom who has to work at getting in your dad's pants! I can't imagine what it must look like to see a woman who can't get her husband to fuck her trying to shoehorn her massive mounds of flab into tiny underwear that might be sexy on a woman half her weight. As far as I'm concerned, a decent-looking woman ought to have sex on demand from her husband. If she's frustrated, at least one of them has a problem.

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  TheNewGuy03  |  26

ha...good point! the fact that she has to put so much effort into getting some from the dad says a lot. i know, women tend to get all dolled up for "the occasion," but still... |the kid|

By  guppy40000  |  0

it sounds like your mother and you have a good relationship and that she both admires and trusts your judgement. Try to be more mature about your parents relationship, at least there not divorced and fighting all the time

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