Intimacy: Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the... - FML

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 162

You deserved it 56 400

Age difference

Batman

Weddings blow

By mistake - 11/05/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 983

You deserved it 5 710

By A2 - 28/06/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad, and the preview to my "My Sisters Keeper" came on. The trailer started out with "Most babies are accidents..." Right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 912

You deserved it 4 958

By awwimanahole - 04/07/2013 05:07 - United States - Palmetto

Today, I needed a change of clothes, so I called my mom. She brought me a grey shirt with a toucan on the front and Mexico City spelled in glitter. I asked her why she would bring me such an ugly shirt, and she started crying. Turns out she bought it for me as a present from her trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 586

You deserved it 56 079

By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - 21/10/2017 08:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 627

You deserved it 490

By Anonymous - 31/05/2009 06:46 - United States

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 041

You deserved it 25 494

By Anonymous - 11/09/2012 19:16 - Sweden - Guayanilla

Today, I had a serious talk with my boyfriend about our relationship troubles. He stopped me in the middle of a sentence with a huge fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 260

You deserved it 4 361

Unfair. Period.

By shanna - 23/05/2018 15:00

Today, after I missed my last 3 periods, my mom grounded me for "getting pregnant" and refuses to believe anything else. I'm 15 and never had sex in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 566

You deserved it 209

By idontgetit - 12/06/2012 23:39 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I proudly told my elitist dad that I now have a beautiful girlfriend. He didn't believe me, so I showed him her Facebook. He demanded that I stop seeing her, saying that the duck-facing in her avatar was the hallmark of "a lower form of being" who would only ever shame our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 948

You deserved it 30 538

Betrayal

By Jasper - 29/05/2021 22:01 - United States

Today, I paid my best friend to not tell my girlfriend about having hooked up with another girl while drunk the other night. He told her anyway. Now I have no girlfriend and I’m $500 poorer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 2 881

I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry

By jenni - 06/04/2021 20:00

Today, my seven-year-old niece gave me a birthday card. Only she'd spelled my name as ‘Jenny.’ When I told her it was spelled with an i instead of a y, she cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 388

You deserved it 970

By Henji - 10/12/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Nor did she want to lose her new necklace. Today, I got a $200 hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 948

You deserved it 41 277

By Arcam89 - 22/02/2016 22:37 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 554

You deserved it 1 347

By couldntholdit - 12/07/2011 17:09 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 314

You deserved it 23 910

By scarred - 22/10/2009 12:30 - France

Today, I found out my mom is the nude model for an art class at my college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 015

You deserved it 3 229

Grossed out

By tiaox - 04/06/2021 11:01

Today, I went on a date with an amazing girl. The date was going well, until she started eating. Although her mouth was closed the entire time, she somehow still made the loudest, most disgusting chewing noises I’ve ever heard. I felt bad about dumping her over that, but I just couldn’t continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 220

By idontevengetpaid - 05/09/2016 04:35 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I arrived at my internship at 7 am after three hours of sleep with a massive hangover. When I got there, my boss told me he had made a mistake and I was meant to come in next week. He then said, "Well, now that you're here, you might as well get some work done. Come in next week as well." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 110

You deserved it 15 140

By maggu - 11/02/2013 04:26 - Denmark

Today, my mom started referring to me as "The Bitch". When I asked her why, she said that I have always been a bitch, but I was never old enough for her to actually call me a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 132

You deserved it 7 384

Bad blow job

By testacular - 25/03/2014 21:20 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Spicy

Today, due to a combination of boredom and a faulty hair dryer, I now have singed pubes and burned balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 623

You deserved it 55 659

Classic Dave

By not the mama - 24/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Hesperia

Today, after years of trying, I got the wonderful news that my husband is going to be a father. Too bad I’m not the mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 550

You deserved it 70

By thisisbad - 12/10/2009 14:21 - Malaysia

Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 919

You deserved it 2 768

By frosho - 09/03/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had just competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady comes up to my friend who got first alternate and said,"You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner." I was the winner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 372

You deserved it 5 590

By Useless Key - 02/09/2018 18:30

Today, my sister couldn't find the spare key I gave her for my apartment, so I had to pay a $50 fee to the leasing office. Not 30 minutes after paying, she found the key. In her purse. On her keychain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 974

You deserved it 308

By Anonymous - 25/12/2014 21:00 - United States

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 077

You deserved it 2 605

By pleasedie - 07/05/2015 18:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Spicy

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 869

You deserved it 6 762

By Bex - 20/01/2017 16:00

Today, I got back home after traveling in internet-scarce areas. The first thing I did when I got a solid connection was withdraw from a study abroad program I couldn't afford. Later I found the email telling me that I had been offered an all-expenses-paid scholarship. Too bad I'm not going now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 965

You deserved it 1 939

By devilboy - 06/07/2011 11:26 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 993

You deserved it 17 973

By Anonymous - 24/08/2013 22:31 - Isle of Man - Douglas

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. As I started getting close to having my first ever orgasm, I got extremely short of breath and started hyperventilating. His reaction was to cover my mouth to shut me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 110

You deserved it 7 723

By Anonymous - 26/02/2016 21:12 - United States - Lebanon

Today, I was using my headset while gaming, and another player couldn't stop laughing at the hilariously high-pitched voice I was putting on. He thought I was mocking the pre-pubescent squeakers on our team. Nope, that's just my natural voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 514

You deserved it 2 389

By bad samaritan - 23/10/2012 03:51 - United States - Houston

Today, a parent was too busy texting to notice her child had run in front of a moving truck. She did however see me grab the child's backpack to yank him back out of traffic. She then screamed at me for "manhandling" her child and demanded I be fired. It's not even my school; I'm a part time sub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 986

You deserved it 1 665

By everyonehatesme - 02/05/2010 08:37 - Malaysia

Today, I signed in my msn messenger. Everyone in my friends list apparently changed their status to 'busy' or 'away' when they saw me online, including my crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 026

You deserved it 9 325

By nicky - 31/03/2011 19:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to stab myself with a knife while trying to open something without a can opener. After getting stitches and returning back home, I went to make a cup of coffee. I found the can opener in the cutlery drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 093

You deserved it 29 269

Just no!

By W…… - 04/09/2021 05:01

Today, after I just bought a house that is pretty good and suits all our needs for space, my in-laws moved in because they ran into financial troubles. Guess who is stuck with all the extra expenditures? FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 79

By SBT1030 - 23/07/2009 11:45 - United States

Today, I was helping my sister by getting some old boxes down from her attic. Too bad I didn't realize the piece of plywood I was standing on doesn't extend all over the attic floor. Of course, I did realize it when I went through the ceiling onto the concrete floor of her garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 449

You deserved it 5 630

By poordog - 05/01/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote "Do you think she will get better?", so I wrote "I hope she does". It wasn't until later that I realized I accidentally wrote "I hope she dies" instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 123

You deserved it 9 241

By Anonymous - 10/07/2015 17:07 - United States

Today, as always, I have a type of eczema that flares up when I'm stressed out or anxious. And today, the girl I've been in love with for 4 years asked me out on a date. We meet up in a few hours, and right now I look like I have smallpox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 509

You deserved it 1 738

My lovely horse

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 08:01

Today, after we managed to find a horse that was completely healthy and problem-free, we took her home. Now she keeps getting thinner because she's stressed and scared. Of what? Of having too much space to move around in, and occasionally seeing deer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 99

By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 07:41 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I witnessed a kid apparently getting jumped. Being a good citizen, I got out and started yelling at them. I ended up alongside the kid in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 805

You deserved it 4 610

White knights

By not a bitch just don’t like you - 10/03/2021 13:59 - United States

Today, once again, I told a guy who’s been hounding me for ages that I’m not interested. After being asked repeatedly and turning him down politely for so long, I finally snapped and cussed his ass out. Now I’m known as "the bitch" for hurting such a "nice guy's" feelings. I need new friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 407

You deserved it 127

By dez - 16/10/2016 05:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 495

You deserved it 1 084

By dooommage - 15/11/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 039

You deserved it 14 964

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Top comments

Wheredidgrungego 12

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:50

Oh I've seen this movie!! ....Pornhub right?

StormGirl142 24

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:52

I think you accidentally a few words.

Comments

Zestus 19

Thursday 8 March 2012 22:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

PsychSwirl2012 1

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:51

This is a very telling comment...

leprechaun23 15

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:53

Do it behind a locked door in the bathroom or at night when everyones a sleep

OneNightStander 6

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:53

Yessss!! Incest is Wincest!!

PsychSwirl2012 1

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:56

16 - That probably wasn't the best reply on a comment about incest...

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:58

If it happens again look them 'em in the eyes and finish like a boss

muzy 23

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:37

I don't really care what it is you do with your family as long as you, keep your gene pool in check you animal!!

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Friday 9 March 2012 0:07

WOWWW *____*

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Friday 9 March 2012 0:11

16- I read that as locker door... Made the comment 100 times better.

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Friday 9 March 2012 0:17

16- I read that as locker door... Made the comment 100 times better.

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Friday 9 March 2012 4:03

87- I did the same thing and it indeed made it so much better xD

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Friday 9 March 2012 5:14

29- Or finish in their eyes and look like a boss.

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Friday 9 March 2012 5:17

Haha.

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Friday 9 March 2012 7:26

...go on you left out the best moments; what comes after.

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Friday 9 March 2012 13:30

no.

starburst7596 14

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Friday 9 March 2012 19:39

I immediately thought of Supernatural upon reading this comment.

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Sunday 11 March 2012 9:20

I'm watching supernatural right now!!!

blushy 14

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Thursday 5 April 2012 16:16

talk about disrespectful 29

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Saturday 23 June 2012 7:09

faggot

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Tuesday 18 March 2014 9:46

I thought of Supernatural...

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Saturday 18 April 2015 1:19

I love how a guy can post one comment and have it get more than 30 likes, and post it again and get over 40 dislikes.

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:50

Smooth

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:59

Like Keith Stone.

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:21

Well I would hope so. It would be hard to jack off to the image of your mom, if you weren't picturing her all smooth and lathered it buck futter.

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:41

How wa the awkward tension after that... Aha

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Friday 9 March 2012 0:23

That would make a good story to tell your dad.

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Friday 9 March 2012 0:44

Op is one sick muthafucka.

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Friday 9 March 2012 0:51

Literally

RadioOctopus 16

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Friday 9 March 2012 1:22

Do you know what literally means??

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Saturday 10 March 2012 0:04

Yes. He does. That's the joke.

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Saturday 10 March 2012 9:18

I'm thinking they should change YDI from "you deserved it" to "you dumb idiot"

TheOtherNewest1 6

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Tuesday 13 March 2012 16:11

Do you know what motherfucker means?

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:50

Lock your or do it your shower or something man

StormGirl142 24

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:52

I think you accidentally a few words.

OneNightStander 6

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:55

Nice!

muzy 23

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:44

14 the words are all there. What ? you mean to tell me that you can't see the letters 'door' and 'in' ? If you highlight the sentence, you'll be a able to see the missing words!!

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Friday 9 March 2012 1:14

.

Fmeonce_shameonu 15

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Friday 9 March 2012 2:34

14- You are amazing. Keep on keeping on.

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Friday 9 March 2012 5:19

You're awesome.

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Friday 9 March 2012 7:57

Rubbing out shower babies?

UsernameUnknown 7

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Saturday 10 March 2012 22:08

omfg..... I facepalmed myself so hard I think I broke my nose...

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Tuesday 13 March 2012 16:44

250- Post that shit on FML

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Saturday 5 May 2012 3:55

Idk why everyone thumbed down tune that made me laugh ass off

Wheredidgrungego 12

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:50

Oh I've seen this movie!! ....Pornhub right?

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:51

Great website

Fmeonce_shameonu 15

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:00

Youjizz. Better streaming lol.

ydi_4_suking 20

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:02

How bout tube8?

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:16

This thread went to a dark place rather quickly.

CanWeMicrowaveIt 11

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:22

What about animal farm hoes! AmIRight? Eh? Anyone...?

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:24

It's all about that xnxx brah

SomeAnonymousBro 4

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:29

-56 hellz yes

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Friday 9 March 2012 0:18

Naw pornhub wins. Haha I go on enough for autocorrect to guess what I was typing. Por...ahhh pornhub.

KuchkaNumberOne 2

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Friday 9 March 2012 0:25

Pornhub all the way.

iamyummylicious 14

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Friday 9 March 2012 0:54

Xtube is pretty decent.

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Friday 9 March 2012 1:00

Youporn is better

TaysDarkLust 11

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Friday 9 March 2012 1:32

xhamster ftw..

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Friday 9 March 2012 1:56

Spankwire does the job rather nice.

iiDangerCloseBK 6

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Friday 9 March 2012 2:00

Is it convenient that my like was the 69th?

Argumental_Rhino 8

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Friday 9 March 2012 2:17

Xnxx wins lol

AcidLacedBong 5

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Friday 9 March 2012 2:39

Pornhub is good on a computer but tube8 wins on the phone ... You know for those on the fly moments

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Friday 9 March 2012 3:08

surprisebuttsex.com is where its at. wtf r u all talkin about

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Friday 9 March 2012 4:11

This is a conversation i would Not like to take part in.

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Friday 9 March 2012 4:19

Spankwire anybody??

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Friday 9 March 2012 4:39

Lmfao man

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Friday 9 March 2012 5:11

149- because Justin Bieber doesn't use the web for his porn, he has his slaves go buy them at his favorite sex store.

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Friday 9 March 2012 5:21

Haven't heard of some of these sites. Must check out.

thisisafunnyname 12

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Friday 9 March 2012 5:37

So many porn sites... I know what I'm doing tonight

MissAimeeAngel 15

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Friday 9 March 2012 6:32

Xvideos, my preferred website ;)

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Friday 9 March 2012 7:26

Am. Ashamed at myself that am a frequent visitor on all websites

rin142 12

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Friday 9 March 2012 8:38

M.fuq.com

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Friday 9 March 2012 13:43

Pornhub is WAYYY better! But now it only gives you 5 videos a day -__-

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Friday 9 March 2012 13:57

Personally I prefer Wikipedia

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Friday 9 March 2012 15:14

lemonparty.org

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Friday 9 March 2012 16:29

haha ^

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Friday 9 March 2012 23:33

Yep Love That One

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Friday 9 March 2012 23:53

120-I love xhamster man, it's the best

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Saturday 10 March 2012 0:50

lemonparty

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Sunday 11 March 2012 4:36

159- Yeah? Your probably jealous ;)

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Sunday 11 March 2012 5:34

I love that and I've seen it too

TaysDarkLust 11

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Sunday 11 March 2012 18:04

Finally someone agrees with me. (And I am a girl btw..)

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Monday 19 March 2012 5:24

If you on da itouch.... Set safari to private mode, and BING!! UNLIMITED VIDEOS!!!!!!!!!

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Monday 28 October 2013 0:53

I have been on all of those listed

Fmeonce_shameonu 15

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:51

Way to amplify the situation weirdo.

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Saturday 10 March 2012 8:19

SURPRISE BUTTSEX!!!!!

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:51

Wow.. :/ you gotta make sure there's no chance of you getting caught! Rule number one!

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:17

The risk of getting caught is half the fun. If you haven't been caught masturbating then you're not trying hard enough.

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:19

Rule number 2: if your parents walk in on you masturbateing you stare them in the eyes and finish like a champ

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Friday 9 March 2012 2:17

Rule # 2 in reality you try to hide it and look as though you just saw the girl from "the ring".

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:51

There is no way to defuse the "awkward tension" when a family member catches you masturbating...so next time don't bother.

grahambertus 11

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Friday 9 March 2012 3:30

It was a Freudian slip.

Manganimegrl 16

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Friday 9 March 2012 19:51

Haha, 69 thumbs up... Now watch as someone thumbs the comment up once more.

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Friday 9 March 2012 20:13

Top tip - stop masturbating when you say that OP that would probably have made it less awkward.

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Friday 9 March 2012 20:51

Lol 69 likes on this comment

neverdrinkSODA 12

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:51

your relationship will never be the same I'm afraid

Isa_fml 20

Thursday 8 March 2012 22:52

my brother's named fraser. and lives in BC. LITTLE BROTHER, NOOOO

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Saturday 17 March 2012 19:30

There was a guy named Fraser whom I went to elementary school with in BC Canada... Hahaha!

onlychildFTW 33

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Thursday 8 March 2012 22:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Thursday 8 March 2012 23:28

While fapping? That's just wrong.

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Friday 9 March 2012 4:33

Is it really wrong to think about Fraser's mom while beating it? Half of us do so what is so wrong with fraser doing it?

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 39

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 481

You deserved it 25