Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I... - FML

By misoranomegami - 21/6/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

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Creepy

Time for the ER

Social distancing gone wrong

By Anonymous - 3/6/2015 10:15 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I made a nursing home resident laugh so hard that he had a heart attack. FML

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By crapgirl - 18/4/2009 23:11 - United States

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 01:59 - Canada - Waterdown

Today, I forgot to pay for my train ride for the first time. Today was also the first time I've ever seen transit security checking for people's tickets and kicking offenders off. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2015 14:27 - France - Paris

Today, my friends showed me a video of me blind drunk last night, getting into a fight with my front door. The door won, unlike my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 16:49 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out that when I text my boyfriend, he isn't the one to read them. Instead, he pays his friend to "keep the bitch busy." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2014 18:59 - South Africa

Today, I realised after showering that I didn't have a towel, so I thought I would risk a naked dash to my brother's room to steal one of his. He and his friend were in the room and both agreed that I needed a "trim". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2013 08:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and best friend decided to "help" by assembling my new front porch while I was away. Ecstatic, they displayed their handiwork. It's charming how the porch is precariously balanced, it leans in such a way that it appears it will fall over if you walk through the front door. FML

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By badnewsbears - 21/10/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria when one of my friends yelled out "Jake is uncircumcised!" as a joke. The girl I have a crush on was sitting at the table behind me and turned around and asked if it was true. I said yes, she responded with "wow, hope I never have to see that." FML

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By Fat Arsed Lass - 1/6/2014 10:28 - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, while laying on the couch my cat came and laid on me. Turns out my ass is big enough for my 13 year old cat to walk around in circles, wash itself, stretch and sleep. FML

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By neveragain - 16/3/2012 05:11 - Canada

Today, I gave in and let my friend give me a makeover. She couldn't find my eyelash curler, but decided that if she used scissors lightly, it would work just the same. Needless to say, it did not work. FML

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By Failed Artist - 30/8/2015 04:49 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my family was cleaning out our basement when I noticed an empty wall. I asked my grandma if I could put a picture up. She replied, "I don't want your ugly drawings on the wall". I wasn't talking about my drawings. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2016 17:32 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger, who then broke my nose. Suddenly, I was saved by someone: A 15 year-old goth girl who promptly tackled the mugger to the ground. I'm a 21 year old man. FML

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By waste of effort - 15/5/2012 20:56 - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancée called our engagement off, because apparently she's actually a complete idiot who will believe anything that a slimy con artist tells her. In this case, a "psychic" who mumbled some shit about me having "a dark aura." FML

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By Bearwaitressities - 15/2/2017 21:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, whilst working my waitressing job, I had a patron lose his rag at me because there was too much "green stuff" in his salad. What did he expect? Chicken? FML

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By beautyschool22 - 11/6/2012 23:39 - United States

Today, I talked to my father for the first time in several years. I proudly told him that I have been attending Beauty School. He looked me up and down and said, "Doesn't look like you've learned much." FML

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By Deployed - 7/12/2019 14:00 - United States - San Diego

Great surprise

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2013 21:47 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I found out my roommate Skypes my friends on my laptop when I'm away. Not only that, he covers his face and shows them his junk. My friends no longer answer Skype calls from me. FML

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By Alexander - 30/5/2010 16:53 - Russian Federation

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - 1/8/2019 12:00

Today, as always, my mother hates my life choices. Particularly my hair for some reason. As she's always whinging about it being dyed blonde, I dyed it back to my natural colour again to appease her, and stop the constant bullying. She hates it. FML

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By whatabitch - 16/9/2010 16:23 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's mother came up to me at school, yelling and causing a scene in front of everyone for breaking her son's heart. We broke up over a year ago because he was cheating on me. FML

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By helluvasinger - 12/11/2009 11:00 - South Africa

Today, I went to a karaoke bar that my girlfriend works at. I'm a halfway decent singer, so I picked out a song we both liked and decided to give it a go. Halfway through the song I sneezed, tripped, fell off the stage and knocked myself out in front of my girlfriend and fifty bar patrons. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2019 00:01 - Spain - Barcelona

Bitten

Today, I had to explain to a lady that the reason I mindlessly touched my crotch was to itch a mosquito bite. She didn't believe me, and called me a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because we didn't have any ketchup packets. I work in a coffee shop. FML

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By stood-up - 12/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I filed a missing persons report on my boyfriend. He was out fishing and then was supposed to meet me for a romantic weekend getaway. He never showed up and didn't respond to my texts. I found out, courtesy of a voicemail from the sheriff's department, that he'd broken up with me. FML

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By fishfloors - 21/4/2017 14:00

Today, I finally broke down and paid someone to clean my condo. Sometime after she finished, my cat threw up. Then my roomba went off, smearing regurgitated mackerel all over the freshly washed floors. There goes $150. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 03:08 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out that the lump in my wrist that keeps getting inflamed and sore is caused by sketching and using my laptop too much. Good thing I'm in my fourth year of studying to become a designer. FML

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By jerry Jerry Jerry - 15/5/2020 17:00

All in the family

Today, I found out the truth about my parents’ divorce and why our family is so distant. Turns out my dad had an affair with not one, but two of my mom’s sisters. And that my youngest cousin is also my half-sister. FML

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By 0ptimu5 - 11/9/2009 04:39 - Australia

Today, I saw a cute girl at a night club. When I approached her and introduced myself, she said "Don't you remember me? We danced here last weekend... but you were smashed that night". I cheekily replied "Oh really? That's hot, what happened next?" She said "You were hitting on me. So, I left." FML

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By GDBeast - 9/1/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML

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By acnecream - 3/5/2013 13:23 - Finland - Kinnulanlahti

Today, I was hitting on a cute girl on the bus. It was going well, and she gave me her name to add on Facebook. Since I didn't have the app, I opened Safari on my phone. It opened to my video from Pornhub I watched yesterday and started playing, on full volume, through the entire bus. FML

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By badsinger - 4/6/2010 09:38 - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

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By kenken5 - 19/6/2019 01:51

Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a rough break up a month ago. The guy finished after 60 seconds of a blow job and then didn’t return the favor. FML

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By Dani - 24/1/2012 05:23 - Australia

Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML

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By alynna007 - 2/1/2013 10:31 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I overheard my mother telling my sister that she expects my marriage to fall apart any day now. Apparently, I have no concept of what "marriage" really means. My husband and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary, while my mother is planning her 5th wedding. FML

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By Badhusky - 29/8/2018 20:30

Today, I had to carry the dead weight of my 90-pound husky upstairs to the bath because he hates it. He cried the entire time, loudly. He then rolled in the dirt when I let him outside to pee not even an hour later. FML

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By please stay on the line - 7/5/2017 04:00

Today, I was sitting in the break room when my boss came in and yelled at me about a mistake. Because I've worked in customer service for years, I instinctively responded with, "I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir. I hope you'll still consider us in the future." FML

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By Augh. - 9/10/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I discovered that the school I transferred from last year is closing. All the people that I so happily escaped from and left behind at that school will now be flocking to my new school senior year. Faaaantastic. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2010 16:32 - United States

Today, it's my nephew's second birthday. He was sitting on my lap, so I started tickling him. He laughed and squirmed so much, he smashed his mouth on my desk. Two bloody hours at the hospital later, he has no two front teeth. FML

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By where do they come from - 1/7/2014 04:26 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I had to explain what "cashback" was to a customer. She called me a liar and wanted to talk to a manager because she felt I made up the concept. I'm the manager. She wouldn't believe me and waited in the store for an hour. Apparently this is what a Masters degree gets me. FML

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By vicgal - 14/8/2009 18:33 - Canada

Today, while having sex I realized two things. First, I can't remember the last time my boyfriend gave me an orgasm, and secondly I think the curtains slightly clash with the duvet cover. I was more annoyed with the second one. FML

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Top comments

By Juicenub | 25

#5983130 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:53

Hopefully the video won't shake things up.

By AlwaysWatching | 27

#5983129 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:53

Did your mom not notice that? That would be awkward having a video of your room shown around anyway....

COMMENTS

By ELoni_fml | 25

#5983127 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:51

People will probably only look at the kitten

Reply

Juicenub | 25

#5983146 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:57

Maybe, but they'll probably see the vibrator that the kitten's sitting on too.

Reply

Pat_Tricksta | 13

#5983195 - Saturday 21 June 2014 16:45

I don't know man, I'm purrty sure I'd be eyeballing that blatant dildo

Reply

DrownedMyFish | 18

#5983281 - Saturday 21 June 2014 18:11

A vibrator is too hard to miss. People will definitely notice.

Reply

blazingshot147 | 19

#5983605 - Saturday 21 June 2014 22:14

#30 I think it would be more concerning that the mom went in her daughter's house without permission.

Reply

rylaii | 26

#5983707 - Sunday 22 June 2014 0:27

Please learn to read and understand words. Op said her mom went to go check up on the kitten. So clearly op knew she was going over.

By AlwaysWatching | 27

#5983129 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:53

Did your mom not notice that? That would be awkward having a video of your room shown around anyway....

Reply

Demig0d6 | 14

#5983473 - Saturday 21 June 2014 20:24

Guess you can say op is not the only pussy attracted to the vibrator... Get it? Anyone? No? Okay :(

Reply

JJ_86 | 22

#5983717 - Sunday 22 June 2014 0:39

I'm pretty sure she noticed that. Why else would she run around showing the video around?

By Juicenub | 25

#5983130 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:53

Hopefully the video won't shake things up.

Reply

Demig0d6 | 14

#5983475 - Saturday 21 June 2014 20:26

Or op's pussies have a thing for vibrators

By barakados | 11

#5983131 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:53

Pun with the word pussy in it.

Reply

hufflepuffle | 13

#5983290 - Saturday 21 June 2014 18:22

*Patrick booing*

By invadermaythe1st | 35

#5983133 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:54

oh well, everyone does it

Reply

Shinybaconplays | 17

#5984107 - Sunday 22 June 2014 5:03

Boys dont

Reply

RabbitOfAurora | 28

#5984436 - Sunday 22 June 2014 15:12

Some boys do.

By dawood_k | 27

#5983139 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:56

Shame how sweet. You left out a toy for pussy cat to play with.

By LeoChen | 7

#5983147 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:57

Maybe she will put this video on YouTube .LOL

By Vagitarian1 | 10

#5983149 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:58

Was it still glistening?

Reply

Pat_Tricksta | 13

#5983211 - Saturday 21 June 2014 16:55

That's fucking gross man

Reply

mistertbawk420 | 10

#5983300 - Saturday 21 June 2014 18:33

What the fuck is wrong with you

Reply

wolfgold2 | 20

#5983382 - Saturday 21 June 2014 19:41

I thought it was kind of funny.

Reply

Meggston | 17

#5983438 - Saturday 21 June 2014 19:58

It wasn't THAT disturbing...

Reply

OysterPearls | 33

#5983696 - Sunday 22 June 2014 0:20

With the name "Vagitarian1", why am I not surprised?

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#5983845 - Sunday 22 June 2014 1:41

#9: Forget the haters, Vagitarian. Your comment was hilarious!

By mackdeezy | 21

#5983153 - Saturday 21 June 2014 16:00

Either puuuuurrrrrr is the sound the kitten makes.... or the vibrator.

Reply

mufasaniqqa | 13

#5983603 - Saturday 21 June 2014 22:11

which pussy does it better

By Shemp_5 | 14

#5983155 - Saturday 21 June 2014 16:01

That will be a lovely conversation. "Oh hey mom, you have to stop showing that video around because The cat is playing with my vibrator."