Intimacy: Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I... - FML

By misoranomegami - United States

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

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Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

Extreme cooking

Spy vs. Spy

By Icy - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

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By SkipLegDay - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML

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By ayeayeboy19 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was watching "My Strange Addiction". The woman featured ate rocks. While judging her weird habit, I realised I was chewing on a coat-hanger the whole time. FML

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By Nohouseforme - United States - Tempe

Today, I was house-hunting online. I was becoming increasingly discouraged and began to look for mini-houses in absurd desperation. I noticed the Google sidebar advertising a cute mini house within my budget. Excited, I clicked on the ad - only to discover it was an ad for a child's playhouse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long conversation with me. She kept looking very nervous and uncomfortable. Only after she left did I realize that a porn site was open on my computer screen. The entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss finally pronounced my name correctly. My name was then followed by the words "You're fired." FML

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By Anon_a_mouse - Reserved

Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

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By lakatkat - United States

Today, I found out on facebook that my supposed best friend bought a concert ticket to a show. The concert ticket was the exact same amount as the plane ticket she told me she couldn't afford to come see me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, they are pumping out the septic system in the building next door. I am three months pregnant, suffering from morning sickness, and can smell everything within a three-mile radius. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sweet talker

Today, my boyfriend said to me, "You know how I know I love you? I don't want you to leave after we have sex." He thinks that's a compliment. FML

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By fail - United States

Today, an attractive guy told me he wanted to get to know me and see me again. When I told my boyfriend, in hopes of stirring up some jealousy, he said "he'll regret it when he finds out what you're like in bed, trust me." FML

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By Nchristine - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad had backed into my already crappy car. The reason they didn't buy me a nicer car in the first place was they were afraid I'd wreck it. FML

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By TriangularBanana - United States - Houston

Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML

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By post it - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I found out that when buying my $500 dollar dress I put my address as Austria instead of Australia. FML

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By Oh God

Today, I met my new boyfriend’s family for the first time. Unfortunately for me, his dad walked in to ask what we wanted for dinner while we were having sex. Even worse was that my boyfriend kept going while his dad was there, and his dad later said he was glad I was “the woman”. FML

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By BluBaller - United States

Today, after about a month with no sex, my girlfriend told me to come up to her room and began kissing me passionately. She got me down to my underwear before informing me that she had Spanish homework left. To make things better, upon finishing up, she went straight to sleep. FML

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By coius - 21/7/2020 05:01

At risk

Today, after being on steroids to suppress my immune system, I found out it causes pulmonary embolisms. If I stop taking my steroids, my body will try to kill me, but if I take the steroids, the meds will try to kill me. I’m only 35 and was fit before this. FML

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By Alycat

Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML

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By shitty day - United States

Today, I have the stomach flu. If my belly growls, I have 30 seconds or less to get to the bathroom. I can't go to the doctor for fear of shitting my pants on the trip there. FML

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By a stupid jackass - United States - New York

Today, I got lunch with a girl I really like. On the way, for some idiotic reason I decided it would be a good idea to show off by jumping up to high-five the red hand on a traffic sign. I ended up slipping and slamming full-force into the pole. I now have a bruise on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Washington

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when I got a sudden agonising cramp in my foot. I cried out in pain, but he didn't stop. If anything, my cries of pain seemed to spur him on. FML

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By leftwardfoil - United States

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

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By spaceavery - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

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By family heirloom gone

Today, my husband threw away the cast iron skillet my family has cooked with for generations because it had some specks of rust that were perfectly fixable. My 5th great-grandfather had that skillet in 1890 when he was a chuck wagon driver for the cowboys during their cattle drives. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my parents have kept their bet going about not turning the heat on all season. I woke up this morning to it being the same temperature inside as it was outside. It's snowing out there. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Junction

Warrior

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML

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By weeks - United States

Today, my mom explained to me that looking up gay porn on the internet is bad. I didn't look up gay porn. The only other person who uses the laptop is my dad. I couldn't tell her the truth and had to pretend I enjoy gay fanfiction. FML

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By Davios - United States

Today, I moved in with an older gentleman renting out a room. Tonight, he had a domestic dispute with his girlfriend who threw a lawn chair at my car. FML

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By Uncircumcised Penis - Canada - Richmond

Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML

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By monkeywrench - United States

Today, I got some spam stating that I'd have no love life in the coming 10 years if I didn't reply to it. So, no different to the last 10 years then. FML

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By car_FAILure - New Zealand

Today, I went to Uni. I woke up at six and got to the station as the train was leaving. I was congratulating myself on my brilliant skill when, as we passed the carpark, I saw I had left my headlights on. It later cost more for the lead to jump start my car than it would have to drive to Uni myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 14:00

Shocking reaction

Today, I was replacing some outlets for work and I got surprise-electrified. I threw my wire strippers in the air while yelling, "Oh fuck me." The homeowner and his 2 kids were standing 3 feet away. He was not happy. FML

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By aireeahna - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Margate City

Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML

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By Turnaround

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML

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By ggbhghggg - United States

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

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By haileyjunkin

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

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By caly - United States

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

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Top comments

By Juicenub | 25

#5983130 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:53

Hopefully the video won't shake things up.

By AlwaysWatching | 27

#5983129 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:53

Did your mom not notice that? That would be awkward having a video of your room shown around anyway....

COMMENTS

By ELoni_fml | 25

#5983127 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:51

People will probably only look at the kitten

Reply

Juicenub | 25

#5983146 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:57

Maybe, but they'll probably see the vibrator that the kitten's sitting on too.

Reply

Pat_Tricksta | 13

#5983195 - Saturday 21 June 2014 16:45

I don't know man, I'm purrty sure I'd be eyeballing that blatant dildo

Reply

DrownedMyFish | 18

#5983281 - Saturday 21 June 2014 18:11

A vibrator is too hard to miss. People will definitely notice.

Reply

blazingshot147 | 19

#5983605 - Saturday 21 June 2014 22:14

#30 I think it would be more concerning that the mom went in her daughter's house without permission.

Reply

rylaii | 26

#5983707 - Sunday 22 June 2014 0:27

Please learn to read and understand words. Op said her mom went to go check up on the kitten. So clearly op knew she was going over.

By AlwaysWatching | 27

#5983129 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:53

Did your mom not notice that? That would be awkward having a video of your room shown around anyway....

Reply

Demig0d6 | 14

#5983473 - Saturday 21 June 2014 20:24

Guess you can say op is not the only pussy attracted to the vibrator... Get it? Anyone? No? Okay :(

Reply

JJ_86 | 22

#5983717 - Sunday 22 June 2014 0:39

I'm pretty sure she noticed that. Why else would she run around showing the video around?

By Juicenub | 25

#5983130 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:53

Hopefully the video won't shake things up.

Reply

Demig0d6 | 14

#5983475 - Saturday 21 June 2014 20:26

Or op's pussies have a thing for vibrators

By barakados | 11

#5983131 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:53

Pun with the word pussy in it.

Reply

hufflepuffle | 13

#5983290 - Saturday 21 June 2014 18:22

*Patrick booing*

By invadermaythe1st | 35

#5983133 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:54

oh well, everyone does it

Reply

Shinybaconplays | 17

#5984107 - Sunday 22 June 2014 5:03

Boys dont

Reply

RabbitOfAurora | 28

#5984436 - Sunday 22 June 2014 15:12

Some boys do.

By dawood_k | 27

#5983139 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:56

Shame how sweet. You left out a toy for pussy cat to play with.

By LeoChen | 7

#5983147 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:57

Maybe she will put this video on YouTube .LOL

By Vagitarian1 | 10

#5983149 - Saturday 21 June 2014 15:58

Was it still glistening?

Reply

Pat_Tricksta | 13

#5983211 - Saturday 21 June 2014 16:55

That's fucking gross man

Reply

mistertbawk420 | 10

#5983300 - Saturday 21 June 2014 18:33

What the fuck is wrong with you

Reply

wolfgold2 | 20

#5983382 - Saturday 21 June 2014 19:41

I thought it was kind of funny.

Reply

Meggston | 17

#5983438 - Saturday 21 June 2014 19:58

It wasn't THAT disturbing...

Reply

OysterPearls | 33

#5983696 - Sunday 22 June 2014 0:20

With the name "Vagitarian1", why am I not surprised?

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#5983845 - Sunday 22 June 2014 1:41

#9: Forget the haters, Vagitarian. Your comment was hilarious!

By mackdeezy | 21

#5983153 - Saturday 21 June 2014 16:00

Either puuuuurrrrrr is the sound the kitten makes.... or the vibrator.

Reply

mufasaniqqa | 13

#5983603 - Saturday 21 June 2014 22:11

which pussy does it better

By Shemp_5 | 14

#5983155 - Saturday 21 June 2014 16:01

That will be a lovely conversation. "Oh hey mom, you have to stop showing that video around because The cat is playing with my vibrator."