Miscellaneous: Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe...

By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Rock, hard place

Stained

By Catholicguy - United States

Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML

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By BigLove - United States - Stoneham

Today, Facebook put something out that shows a video of your entire life on the website. A part of it showed your most popular status update. Mine was from when I got dumped at Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend started a conversation with "I don't want to break up" and ended the conversation with "I think I'd be better off alone." So I guess I'm now single. I think. FML

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By sleepless - United States

Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I came to work ready to impress my boss. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for a promotion from stock to sales and I have been proving myself worthy. Turns out he hired a new girl for sales, with great, big, fake breasts. FML

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By greeter - Canada - Willow Grove

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

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By Raiden - United Kingdom - Barnsley

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being a feeder, saying that's why she's been putting on so much weight. When I said it might be because she eats at McDonalds everyday, and that I was willing to start cooking low-calorie foods for us, she hit me. Then she went to McDonalds. FML

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By asnolt - United States

Sex Ed is broken

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Rosa Beach

Today, my hamster had babies. I came home just in time to witness her kick the mutilated bodies of her two babies out of her house, then crawl back in and go to sleep. Now my sister refuses to touch her and calls her a "baby-eating demon." FML

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By Kensie - United States

Today, it is my twin sisters and my birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me pretty also. FML

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By ryanharp2 - United States - Conway

Today, my iPhone got back from being fixed. When I opened the box there was a note attached to my phone that said, "All you had to do was turn it on." FML

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By jackson - United States

Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML

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By tictacnose - Canada

Today, my sister attacked me and stuffed a Tic Tac up my nose. I'm currently in the hospital waiting to have it removed. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2020 05:00

Who are you?

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 5 years only got divorced last year. I never even knew he was married. FML

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By aeterne - United States

Today, my boss informed me that it is now my responsibility to wash the dishes, since my co-workers are consistently too lazy to clean up after themselves. I have a bachelor's degree. Which I earned at the same university I now work at. FML

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By Idktbh - United States

Today, when I finished helping a customer, she said, “Thanks cutie!” When I thanked her she giggled and said, “I just like making people smile, plus I bet you don’t get called that often!” FML

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By mellbelle32 - United States

Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for my wedding cake at the bakery. The cops pulled him over for speeding and as it turns out his license was expired. I ended up having to use my wedding cake money to bail him out of jail. FML

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By Bouh - France - Paris

Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won't have sex. His reason? We've decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML

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By Lonely - United States

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

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By dearme - United States

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, I was waiting for the train. It arrived, I got on and the woman behind me stepped on the back of my shoe. My shoe came flying off and landed in the gutter between the train and the platform. The doors closed, the train pulled away. FML

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By blububble412 - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

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By shmarf - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

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By RebekahBrooke - United States

Today, I started my first day as a waitress. After getting my ass slapped, drinks and food spilled over me, and being tripped by a bratty kid, my tips were stolen. FML

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By tannerrosetx_1 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cary

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

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By dominator152 - United States

Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML

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By ratherbealone - 27/10/2020 02:06 - United States - Phoenix

Life's what you make it

Today, I don't want to go to work because I hate my boss, but once I'm there, I won't want to go home because I hate my husband. I have nowhere else to go. FML

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By storksleuth - United States

Today, I saw a girl wearing a Nirvana shirt. Since Nirvana has been my favorite band for a long time, I tried striking up a conversation with her. Turns out she doesn't even listen to them, and only bought the shirt because she "liked the smiley face." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML

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By electricpuddle

Today, while letting horses out to switch pasture, one ran at me, sending me through the electric fence and into a mud puddle. Wrapped in electric fence, I sat in that electric mud puddle, screaming every time it shocked me. Help arrived, once they'd had a good long laugh. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was in my Cosmetic Application class, and we were about to apply foundation to our models. I walk over to my friend and say "Wow, that foundation is really orange and blotchy." Then the model turns to me and says "Actually, we haven't started yet... that's just my skin." FML

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By ... - France

Today, well actually last night, I did a full striptease for my girlfriend to "You can leave your hat on". When the song was over, I was then completely naked, she says to me : "Maybe we should have closed the shutters!" FML

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By jo - United States

Today, I finally got to hook up with this hot guy I'd been talking to for a few weeks. To my surprise, he was sinfully drunk when he arrives. As we were going at it, he shits on my white carpet. Now the phrase "f***ing the shit out of someone" has a brand new meaning for me. FML

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By chunkymonkey

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

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By TooShortToCleanThat - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

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By ajodasdojsad - United Kingdom - Ewell

Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I finally got the chance to meet this wonderful guy I met on a dating site. She was very excited to see me, too. FML

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By problemchild - United States

Fault

Today, I went to a family counseling session because my parents are getting a divorce. I told the counselor that I feel guilty because I feel like I caused it. She says that there is no way I could have caused it, that it's my parents' problem when my mom interrupts her to say, "Yes she did." FML

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Top comments

By AngrySailor | 17

#5599065 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:09

A man not paying attention? I've been told we're good a that sometimes.

Hopefully he just had a brain fart. Sorry for you loss OP.

By meiam | 7

#5599075 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:12

I'm sure he put his foot in his mouth after that one...

COMMENTS

By AGB10 | 19

#5599063 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:08

Terrible on him! You need to show your husband who is the daddy!

Uramonkey | 11

#5599110 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:22

Daddy is dead though

Welshite | 39

#5599113 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:24

#12: All it requires is a shovel.

DJisHere11 | 19

#5599132 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:36

#14 Really, you dug too far. Sorry for your loss Op.

salazara | 10

#5599761 - Saturday 27 July 2013 0:56

I call it a Freudian slip!

By AngrySailor | 17

#5599065 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:09

A man not paying attention? I've been told we're good a that sometimes.

Hopefully he just had a brain fart. Sorry for you loss OP.

By Helloilike_lacro | 8

#5599071 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:11

I would understand if he said that about his mother-in-law but aren't father-in-laws supposed to be cool?

Blackcatluck | 19

#5599127 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:34

It's not ok to say that about any dead member of someone's family. And the "monster in law" thing is not true at all, it depends on the person.

By meiam | 7

#5599075 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:12

I'm sure he put his foot in his mouth after that one...

Ambient25 | 24

#5599122 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:30

or someone else's foot...

By tommyfox | 19

#5599085 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:14

You'll be able to say that too one year after you divorce him.

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5599097 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:18

...

I pity anybody you get into a relationship with.

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5599119 - Friday 26 July 2013 16:29

5, that is a strange reason to get divorced, haven't you ever done something like that? I have, I'm sure almost everyone has.

tommyfox | 19

#5599208 - Friday 26 July 2013 17:24

#8- I pity anyone YOU get in a relationship with. Unless of course they are a mortician with no sense of humor. Morticians tend to be deathly serious.