Health: Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream...

By sadbride - 09/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I am severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 921

You deserved it 253

Health

Triage

He got game

The nerve of some people

By Anonymous - 11/06/2014 22:20 - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 519

You deserved it 8 135

Sounds lovely

By theotherotherguy - 27/09/2012 05:22 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 808

You deserved it 1 844

By HenryRollinsForPresident - 25/09/2012 11:54 - United States - Edmond

Today, I was waiting for my wife in a mall when some kids came and sat near me, wearing band t-shirts. I recognized some, as I was into The Smiths and Black Flag in my youth. I tried to strike up a music-fan chat with them. "Fuck off, grandad" and "Ew, pedo" is all I got in return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 457

You deserved it 4 811

By Anonymous - 03/09/2012 17:16 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I went out clubbing with a few friends. A cute guy pointed at me from the bar and motioned for me to come over. I was excited and did just that. Turns out he just wanted to ask me if I'd thought about seeing a doctor for my jaundice. No, I just overdid my spray tan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 341

You deserved it 32 952

By Anonymous - 23/08/2015 17:34

Today, I passed my driver's test. My instructor took the learner signs off his car and let me drive back to my place. I guess he didn't bet on me crashing the car just a few blocks from the test center. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 393

You deserved it 5 707

By Anonymous - 14/08/2016 06:16 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 185

You deserved it 1 805

Words is hard

By kate - 26/10/2021 02:00

Today, my seven year-old daughter called me a weirdo. When I yelled and grounded her, she cried and said she thought “weirdo” was a compliment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 291

You deserved it 1 453

By buttfingers - 26/12/2015 17:37 - United States - Houston

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat: "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 050

You deserved it 2 217

By chelseaface - 21/01/2011 15:13 - United States

Today, I braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication. When I arrived to find it closed, I turned around to walk to my car where I slipped on the ice. The impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 530

You deserved it 3 613

By purpleivy - 06/09/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 621

You deserved it 2 412

By Handuh15 - 31/05/2019 16:00

Today, I was sitting with my best friend and we were watching my one-year-old cousin. We thought it would be funny to say a bunch of swear words in front of him, since he didn't know how to talk. Five minutes later, guess what his first word was? And guess who won't be invited over for a while? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 2 992

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 10:57 - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 166

You deserved it 27 892

By Anonymous - 11/02/2013 15:26 - United States - Mansfield

Today, a girl came up to me on the street and said, "You have like no swag, bro." Feeling clever, I said, "At least I have a high school education." She then took out her work ID, showing me that she was a surgeon, flipped me off, then walked away saying, "This is totally going on Facebook." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 855

You deserved it 30 058

By m0m - 04/03/2016 14:01 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 981

You deserved it 1 655

By Cats...FML - 17/10/2011 11:46 - Australia

Today, it's my sister's birthday. My parents got her a cat. I have serious allergies when it comes to cats. When I brought this issue up with my parents, they replied, "This day is not about you, it's about your sister." I can feel my throat tightening already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 026

You deserved it 3 324

Signs

By hilaryinbetween - 14/10/2020 11:01 - United States

Today, my supervisor at work was talking about suicide prevention and how to recognize the signs of distress in coworkers. I realized that I exhibit almost all of those signs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 87

Tasty

By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 05:01

Today, despite having the choice of several bowls of clean water in the house, as well as puddles and ponds outside, my cat was drinking out of a pot I was soaking in the sink. She doesn’t seem to mind the taste of dish soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 93

By Unsatisfied - 16/12/2009 06:15 - Canada

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 935

You deserved it 4 650

By Lifeguard - 04/04/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 341

You deserved it 4 485

By AllieG33 - 05/09/2014 02:59 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after returning from taking my sister off to college, my parents told me that our house would be a lot quieter with my sister gone. Not because she's loud, but because she has friends and I apparently don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 607

You deserved it 3 694

By anonymous - 31/01/2013 04:02 - Canada - Fergus

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary. I had cooked him a romantic meal and we were planning on eating it in front of the fire. This would have gone great had I not forgotten to unblock the chimney. My entire basement filled with smoke and didn't clear for three hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 597

You deserved it 28 796

By Hairless freak - 23/09/2012 08:14 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, after weeks of dealing with a bad hair cut, my hair finally grew back to my preferred length. Today is also the day my roommate replaced my shampoo with hair remover as a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 421

You deserved it 1 849

By Anonymous - 11/05/2011 14:10 - Australia

Today, I discovered my boyfriend is incredibly ticklish on the bottom of his feet. Trying to be a bit flirty, I slowly slid two fingers down his calf and mockingly tickled his feet. He reacted by inadvertently elbowing me in the nose, nearly breaking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 843

You deserved it 43 479

By Anonymous - 03/07/2013 20:56 - United States - Arlington

Today, I returned home from an extended vacation only to find out my cousin wasn't kidding when he said he was going to steal my boyfriend. I thought I was dating a straight guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 262

You deserved it 3 593

It's Thursday!

By horriblefashionsense - 26/09/2013 15:20 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 519

You deserved it 6 240

By anonymous - 04/07/2012 14:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Two hours later I get a text from my ex announcing he has just been diagnosed with chlamydia. I now have to explain this to my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 133

You deserved it 34 541

By makeitstop - 04/08/2011 13:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 561

You deserved it 63 446

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 05:55 - United States - Truckee

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo, because she loves tigers. Correction: she used to love tigers, until one sprayed urine on her from a distance of four meters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 321

You deserved it 5 403

By Anonymous - 28/12/2010 16:47 - Netherlands

Today, my little girl spoke her first word. It was ''Daddy''. Daddy left before she was born and she has never met him before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 937

You deserved it 4 939

By Home owner. - 16/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was touring a house I’m interested in when one of the two realtors stepped out for a minute and never came back. My purse was stolen from my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 345

You deserved it 272

Meat Market

By Kelsey Dynes - 06/04/2020 17:00

Today, I had a doctor's appointment and my doctor had to examine my abdomen. I'm generally a pretty fit woman. After touching my abdomen, my doctor called me "the perfect specimen" and asked me if I was single because his son is also single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 851

You deserved it 215

By anon - 31/05/2012 13:43 - United Kingdom - Wareham

Today, I spilled loose face powder on myself while applying my make-up. My sister subsequently walked in on me vacuuming my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 445

You deserved it 4 436

By elsaza - 18/11/2008 12:16 - France

Today, I was on a date with my new boyfriend. I acted very flirty and laughed very loudly to show him how funny he was. I laughed so loudly that I farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 966

You deserved it 22 419

Toxic masculinity

By BigGinge - 10/07/2021 22:01

Today, I'm depressed. After trying to talk to my boss about it, twice, as it has been affecting my work, I've been told to, "Stop thinking about it" and to, "Man up." He has also told me to come to him with any problems I'm having, and to be honest with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 136

By caesarinozeppeli - 11/05/2017 16:00

Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 028

You deserved it 382

Observational comedy

By Anonymous - 17/09/2020 22:59

Today, I, an insecure high school student, told my 11-year-old sister that I got my period in third grade. She responded with, “What?! Then how come you didn’t have tits until last year?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 146

By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, I rode the public bus. When I got off, I put my hood up only to discover that the old man who sat behind me had used my hood as a trashcan for his gum and used Kleenex. I can't get the gum out of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 721

You deserved it 2 646

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 19:02 - Canada - Belle River

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 854

You deserved it 9 829

By Janitor - 08/03/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 248

You deserved it 3 870

By awkward - 06/11/2013 21:16 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 494

You deserved it 4 297

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Top comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Thursday 27 September 2018 15:54

I'm really curious to know if you're Italian, or if your bridal shower has a theme. Also, tell your mom to serve food you can eat, or you'll get someone else to prepare the meal. And make sure you hire a catering company for the actual wedding. Don't need mommy dearest poisoning you on your big day.

manofmerr 27

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Tuesday 9 October 2018 15:34

The proper response here should've been: "These invitations are also for the guests. Your no longer one of them."

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Thursday 27 September 2018 15:54

ViviMage 38

Tuesday 9 October 2018 15:06

Can you take a lactaid to help you? Or will she be serving you surf and turf and the finest wine instead?

Rabite 28

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Tuesday 9 October 2018 17:49

Do you really think that this is the easiest and best solution?

Yudith 20

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Tuesday 9 October 2018 18:49

The best and easiest solution would be for the bride to order some filet mignon, caviar or whatever she likes for herself from the caterer she intends to hire for her wedding and foot the bill to Mother.

manofmerr 27

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Tuesday 9 October 2018 15:34

The proper response here should've been: "These invitations are also for the guests. Your no longer one of them."

Abbusser 10

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Tuesday 9 October 2018 15:37

Everyone should know by now that bridal showers are for the bride's mother...

Helmut Arias Rodriguez 21

Tuesday 9 October 2018 17:07

That’s good to know

julfunky 29

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Tuesday 9 October 2018 17:13

Can’t she also serve something specifically for you?

RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 9 October 2018 17:27

Bridezilla Alert! Does everyone have to sacrifice dairy for you? Anyways, you have to skip the lasagna and the cake to fit into your dress, and it’s good you have a disease helping you where willpower might fail.

mekiswrite 21

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Tuesday 9 October 2018 21:10

God help the person that marries you if OP qualifies as a Bridezilla for wanting to eat at her own bridal shower.

Rabite 28

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Tuesday 9 October 2018 17:48

The funny thing is: Those people are the first ones to not serve any dairy free stuff to you when they are inviting you to their party "because it's their party".