Miscellaneous: Today, my mom told me I was worthless and could not do anything... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom told me I was worthless and could not do anything by myself. Determined to prove her wrong I attempted to install the AC that I had neglected to put in for the past month. While placing it on the window it fell through landing on her prized roses and breaking into pieces. FML

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Understandable

The smell detective is on the case

Can they do that?

By Emma - United Kingdom - Rawtenstall

Today, I had a job interview where I was asked, "Who is your best friend?" I replied truthfully, "My cat", only to then be asked what my cat would describe as my best qualities, which didn't go far beyond, "Remembering to feed him". They weren't impressed. FML

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By fatcat - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was told to stop processing certain transactions at work because I'd tried to make rich people follow the same tax rules that we force poor people to follow to the letter. I'm guessing it won't be too long till I'm fired and blacklisted from this career I've had ten years. FML

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By sadgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home from being deployed for the past 3 months. As soon as he gets out of the car, he walks right past me and goes to hug his dog. FML

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By Hank-T4 - Australia - Truganina

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML

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By shary - 12/1/2021 01:59

Unreasonable

Today, I was terminated from my job because my boss “felt like it.” My parents have made it clear to me that if I am ever fired from a job, for any reason, they will kick me out on the street and never speak to me again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I witnessed a kid apparently getting jumped. Being a good citizen, I got out and started yelling at them. I ended up alongside the kid in the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

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By Elayne Warthen

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

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By poorbastard - Canada - Longueuil

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

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By a816090

Family portrait

Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML

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By Birthday1313

Today, my mother learned a new expression and uses it in every sentence. Her special, new expression is "boom diggity." It's apparently "hip." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 05:03

That he's a dumbass?

Today, I was told by my boyfriend of 12 years that he wants to break up. He wants to be free to follow his "MGTOW beliefs." I had to look up what it meant. What am I supposed to tell our 2 little boys? FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I took a nap on the couch in the family room. My brother thought it would be hilarious to take clear packaging tape and put it on my chapped lips. Then rip it off. FML

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By - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my boss, when I let rip the vilest, most horrifying fart of my life as we left the first floor. We stood in silence as the elevator slowly ascended to the 21st floor, leaving us to marinate in the fumes. FML

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By jaymash - United States

Today, I was giving a PowerPoint presentation in class. When I put my flash drive into the computer, my folder opened up and a nude picture of myself popped right up on a 110 inch projector screen for all 35 students to see. This is a 16 week course. FML

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By suckstobeme - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

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By dickbag - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my mom hates my grandmother (her mother-in-law) so much that she's trying to guilt me into not visiting her when I come home for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't be coming home for Thanksgiving in the first place, but my grandmother bought me the plane ticket. FML

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By carrottop - Australia

Today, I finally found out why my fish were dying in their tank. My younger sister had been spraying detergent in there because she wanted "to make the fish smell like lemons". FML

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By fuckthisandfuckthatandfuckyoutoo - United States

Today, I was preparing a customer's meal in my restaurant's kitchen, when I choked on my own saliva and went into a coughing fit. The head chef, who's always hated my guts, accused me of trying to hock a loogie into the meal and fired me on the spot. FML

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By Cate - Australia

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

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By Jenna - 12/10/2020 02:02

Jumping the gun

Today, my boyfriend of one week kissed my stomach and began speaking to our "baby." We haven't had sex yet. In fact, I'm still a virgin. FML

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By zomg - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, while at work as a cashier, I tried to be sweet and ID an elderly man buying a bottle of wine. He responded by calling me a "blind-ass bitch" and calling my manager for "harassing" him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML

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By rnw - Australia - Sydney

Today, I thought my knee hurt because of over exercising in the gym. Then I remembered it was because I smacked it against my chair so hard I crumbled down and couldn't move for 5 minutes. And how I remembered? I did it again. FML

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By racoonface - United States

Today, it was lovely outside so I decided to tan outside. I burn pretty easily, so I put on sunscreen. I fell asleep on my side, so when I woke up, I had a massive burn on only one side of my body, with sunglass lines. Tomorrow, I have a job interview. I'm going to go in looking like a racoon. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I picked up my driver's licence and my keys off the floor at the same time, using only my toes. This was the highlight of my day. FML

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By lunarstrain - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

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By dl - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML

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By Rubyscooby212 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, alone on Valentine's day, I decided to eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies in bed. I had an allergic reaction to the chocolate which sent me to the ER. FML

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By Sittinginthecorner - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I got a new roommate. He's from Mongolia. He has had 5 friends over for the last 7 hours, all speaking Mongolian. This is the most awkward party I have ever been to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting to get one ever since I was a child. I bought a $1,400 Golden Retriever. I went out for lunch a few hours later with a friend, so I left my dog in the backyard. I came back home to a broken fence and no dog. FML

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By dammitrain - United States

Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML

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By -_____- - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

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By pmony - United States

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I found out that if you accidentally step on your boss's dog's tail, yes, you can get fired. But not because you stepped on the dog's tail. You didn't say sorry. FML

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By katieemw95

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

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By todayJman03 - United States

Today, I gave my wife her anniversary card. She started to giggle then walked in our bedroom and came back with the exact same card from last year. This is the second time I've done this. FML

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By anonymous - China - Nanjing

Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML

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By creedonfied - United States - Billerica

Today, I was playing with my cat. I tried to put him on my stomach, but he refused to stay put. Ever since I lost weight, he won't lay with me or purr. I think my fat was the only thing he liked about me. FML

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Top comments

By MiniFil | 0

#259935 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:09

It would've gone much better if the AC landed on her head and them you say "Ha! I can do something. I killed the bitch!"

Ming Ming!

By Hazimius | 0

#259918 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:03

I would work on improving the relationship in a mature manner rather than attempting to prove her wrong.

COMMENTS

By Hazimius | 0

#259918 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:03

I would work on improving the relationship in a mature manner rather than attempting to prove her wrong.

By reset_button | 0

#259932 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:08

Agree with #2
Also, that shouldn't happen. Read the instructions, or ask someone with IQ for help.

By MiniFil | 0

#259935 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:09

It would've gone much better if the AC landed on her head and them you say "Ha! I can do something. I killed the bitch!"

Ming Ming!

Reply

arikakiki | 0

#3777342 - Friday 23 December 2011 19:06

Haha what's wrong with you??

Reply

zuka | 7

#5940733 - Saturday 10 May 2014 19:08

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

By Frolly_fml | 0

#259949 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:12

AC who cares, are those flowers alright!?

By Zenma | 0

#259956 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:15

You murdered the flowers :( You is a bad man!

By Pressed_4_Time | 0

#259964 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:18

This is so cliché that i'm kinda skeptical...

By islandbreeze | 0

#259977 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:25

Aww that sucks! Time to replant those roses...

By joeyboy | 0

#259983 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:26

Well that's what your mom gets

By Jupi_fml | 2

#259989 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:30

See? You've proven your mother wrong! You CAN do stuff by yourself!

You can destroy an expensive piece of machinery as well as a bush of delicate flowers in one fell swoop!

Also, you can make me end every sentence in this comment with an exclamation point!

Or...Can you?...!

By cucuto89 | 0

#259991 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:31

Cool Story Bro