Miscellaneous: Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room...

By Chelsea - United States

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Commando

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By Anonymous - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2020 08:08 - United States - Bakerville

Thanksgiving 2020 is going to be a doozy

Today, I'm stuck at my minimum wage job, listening to people who make twice as much as me complain that, "they only get the week off for Thanksgiving." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:01

They're everywhere

Today, I started a new job. I was in a meeting, all day, training under a guy. This was the same middle-class-gravyboat guy who has no idea what he's doing, attributes things to false-positive root causes, and is defensive whenever someone knows more than him. I left my last job because of this type of guy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while covering lunch for the self-checkout host, I noticed a customer walking away. I smiled and said "Have a nice night!" A few minutes later, I saw that she'd left without paying on her machine. I'd smiled and waved at a lady as she stole from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had given up on finding my makeup bag with cell phone and iPod my mom had bought for me recently. So I went to art to join the group of girls with whom I share the back art studio of my school. One of them was talking about how she'd ripped off some bitch's stuff, and she held up my bag. FML

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By Fairymyass - United Kingdom

Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

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By silkworm - United States

Today, I got an invitation in the mail for my dad's third wedding. My first name was misspelled on the envelope. FML

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By Pouponette - France

Today, the pizza delivery guy saw me in my underwear. My boyfriend is so ashamed of me that he pointed out to the guy twice that we were just roommates. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother-in-law grounded me because I went to the store in the "dangerous" rain. My husband says that if I don't obey then we won't work out. FML

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By noodlesandmilk - Australia - Canberra

Today, my step-brother went grocery shopping alone for the first time. He came home with Ramen and 14 bottles of chocolate milk, which will expire by the 20th. My step-dad is insisting we eat it so it doesn't go to waste. FML

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21975

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By solomantis - Norway

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I found out that my husband and my cat have something in common; they both like to lick themselves. FML

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26192

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By lprocter1982 - Canada

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

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36304

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By mandiballz - United States

Nice

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year-old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He said, "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

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By PityKitty

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

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By TheOtherWoman - United Kingdom - Weston-super-mare

Today, I saw in my browser history a profile from one of those "Facebook of sex" websites. Turns out that my boyfriend has been posting naked pictures of himself on there using my laptop and flirting with teenage girls. His excuse? "I have friends on there." FML

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By admin1771 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I'm supposed to go to my girlfriend's house for Christmas with her family. I got a text from her saying that her dad found our used condom package from last night. I'm supposed to be there in 3 hours. FML

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9919

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML

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37529

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By Heatherrolstonn - United States - Suwanee

Today, I received an email asking for a Skype interview at 11 am sharp. I waited for half an hour. He never even accepted my contact request. FML

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12785

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Parents love

Today, I walked in on my dad masturbating to a nude photo of my mum on the computer. She passed away four years ago. FML

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2487

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By Anonymous - Canada - Gander

Carry her home

Today, I helped an elderly woman push her grocery cart around the store, and look for her vehicle after she'd paid. After we spent ages wandering around trying to find her car, she remembered that she'd taken the bus today. FML

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44279

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By Deaf - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sent to the principal's office because I refused to take my earbuds out. Those "earbuds" are my hearing aids. FML

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By Hatty - United Kingdom

What the fuck was that?

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

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By Unluggee - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

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13935

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By noname - France

Today, I decide to go to my ex-girlfriend's house to bring her stuff back. I broke up with her earlier this week after a 2 year relationship, and I'd hoped she would have realized her mistake and ask me to stay for a bit and talk. I ring the doorbell and her new boyfriend opens the door. FML

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By thedogkisser - United States

Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML

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By sleepingonthetoilet - United States - Birmingham

Don't let the bedbugs bite!

Today, my supervisor locked me in the women's bathroom as I was cleaning it. I heard the owner scolding him, so I waited for the door to open, thinking he got in trouble. It wasn't until I heard the front gate locking that I realized I'm staying the night in the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went for a run. I ended up being tackled by two cops, handcuffed, and dragged to the station with no explanation. Turns out a house nearby had been robbed and the best description they got was 'A man running'. I didn't even get an apology. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today I was very excited to go to the post office to claim a parcel. I didn't know what it could be, so I assumed it was a gift. It turned out to be a speeding ticket. FML

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By Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Today, my boss selected me to be the company representative at an important meeting in Portland with one of our biggest clients. I was thrilled, until I realized he hadn't said anything about my plane ticket or hotel reservation. He later told me that I'll need to acquire those things myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Bye, dipshit

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

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1010

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

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19914

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By :$ - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I had to scream for my dad to come help me, after I got my hair caught in a fan while trying to make the Darth Vader voice. FML

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9960

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By TJ - United States - Lacey

Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: +1. About an hour later I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: -200. FML

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27409

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By Anonymous

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

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1491

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By badmom - 2/8/2020 02:02

Zoom this, bitches!

Today, my younger son was doing a Zoom meeting for his upcoming school orientation. I tried to hold it in, but I stepped away for a moment to run to the restroom. My older son thought it’d be a hilarious "prank" to moon the camera. School hasn’t even started and we're already the "problem family". FML

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1350

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By Sally - Australia

The struggle is real

Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML

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39519

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By sorry... - United States - Newark

Today, I realized I hate my boyfriend's little sister enough to break up with him. FML

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32291

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By WhatTheF

Today, after far too many times of my brother stealing food out of my own personal mini fridge, I bought a lock and chained the handles together. I came back to find that my brother had responded by breaking the doors off their hinges. FML

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Top comments

By shaBAMalex | 0

#129480 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:04

Calm down. Lol.

By nomadxx7 | 0

#129487 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:05

Gunshots =/= popcorn

Come out the country. I'll show you what gunshots sound like

COMMENTS

By shaBAMalex | 0

#129480 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:04

Calm down. Lol.

loodles | 0

#964641 - Saturday 20 March 2010 3:25

overreact much.

b182link | 0

#1038271 - Monday 21 June 2010 19:46

you live in alabama

mells105 | 0

#1183908 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 22:36

talk about anxiety

Ryzaki | 0

#1283056 - Sunday 22 August 2010 8:30

I think s/he has no idea what a real gun shot sounds like.

ximenita0731 | 0

#2811570 - Sunday 3 July 2011 8:07

YDI for not knowingg the difference if soundss!!!

MrsDruidess | 23

#5779449 - Thursday 5 December 2013 8:26

idiot!!

By Horde | 8

#129484 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:04

You mistook gunshots to popcorn? lol

By nomadxx7 | 0

#129487 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:05

Gunshots =/= popcorn

Come out the country. I'll show you what gunshots sound like

isaiaha11 | 2

#1331471 - Wednesday 1 September 2010 4:39

win!

michellenKG | 5

#4249729 - Monday 2 April 2012 17:14

is that a death threat?

By A7X5989 | 0

#129488 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:05

really?

By Rockey | 3

#129493 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:06

Either this is fake or you live in the suburbs.

By SophiaMay | 0

#129494 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:06

How stressy are you?

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#129495 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:07

You might want to move out of the ghetto....

By Epic_Fail_Sauce | 0

#129497 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:07

O_O That must be some fricken loud popcorn

Makadog | 0

#4162548 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 7:35

Haha!!!!

By angelsnarrows | 0

#129500 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:08

high.strung.

By dd3_fml | 0

#129507 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:10

how the hell could you think popcorn was gunshots?

duke_nukem_25299 | 0

#1103692 - Sunday 18 July 2010 0:12

were gunshots you fat f*ck!