Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room...

By Chelsea - United States

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15621

You deserved it

70889

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Messed up

Capitalism kills

Do as I say, not as I do

By edavis1993 - United States - Milford

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25839

You deserved it

1457

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Lake Wales

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57367

You deserved it

5006

Favorite

By notfunny - United States

Today, I finally confessed my feelings to my long time crush. He was the only one I've been able to muster up the courage to open up to. He replied "lmao" and hasn't texted back since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38703

You deserved it

6679

Favorite

By Thanks Honey - United States

Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His only words were, "This isn't what it looks like." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56470

You deserved it

5147

Favorite

By vadoodoo22 - France

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend and I asked her to give me her phone to make a call since mine was dead. A text came in from someone and the name sounded familiar. My bestfriend has been dating my girlfriend longer than I have, and she gave him head. I kissed her earlier that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27805

You deserved it

3220

Favorite

By Bontempi - France

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13591

You deserved it

42531

Favorite

By LuxTheSarcastic - United States - Apex

Today, my mother dragged me to the mall to get me out of the house and to get me to stop using my phone. She then spent the whole trip talking on her phone instead of actually interacting with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22818

You deserved it

2335

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. The other party left the scene immediately after without exchanging insurance information. Deer can be so rude. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32467

You deserved it

8737

Favorite

By Nicole - United States - Bozeman

Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11138

You deserved it

875

Favorite

By JLO - Australia

Today, I noticed that a picture of me on my Mum and Dad's wall looked different. On closer inspection, I realised they'd recently painted over my teeth with white paint. I asked them why, and they said they looked 'discoloured'. It's my wedding photo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29836

You deserved it

3638

Favorite

By jayc80 - Bermuda

Today, my boss scheduled a staff breakfast at a swanky new restaurant for all the hard work we've been doing. The dining area is on the roof, and the building has no elevator. I've been in a wheelchair for 11 years. When I brought this to my boss's attention, he said it wasn't his problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52932

You deserved it

3287

Favorite

By ridella

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40697

You deserved it

5446

Favorite

By car keyer - United States - Mary Esther

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20699

You deserved it

54187

Favorite

By baebookboo - United States - Lawrence

Today, I asked my mom about signing up for an online dating site. She took one look at me and said, "Why get rejected online when you can just go outside for the same?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42103

You deserved it

4470

Favorite

By nice education you've got there - United States - Monroe

Today, my friends and I were exchanging stories with one another. I barely got a few sentences in before they started mocking and viciously insulting me for saying "swaggered", claiming it comes from the slang term "swag", and that they never thought I was a "dumbass hipster". Really now? FML

I agree, your life sucks

37237

You deserved it

7269

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend while looking at halloween costumes online for this years halloween party and said, "Maybe we could go as Bonnie and Clyde this year." He said, "Maybe we should go as a broken up couple," and hung up on me. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41404

You deserved it

3880

Favorite

By not the mama - 24/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Hesperia

Classic Dave

Today, after years of trying, I got the wonderful news that my husband is going to be a father. Too bad I’m not the mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1482

You deserved it

Favorite

By Ashley Harn

Today, I found out I'm allergic to something in the city water. I've had itchy patches and rashes all over my body, but I can't afford to pay for the filtration system that would solve it. My landlord forbids any modifications to the shower and washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2514

You deserved it

130

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Unionville

Today, the girl of my dreams asked me if I wanted to go biking with her. "Just the two of us," she said. I had to turn her down because I'm 17 years old and never learned how to ride a bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28998

You deserved it

38493

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 02:03

Priorities

Today my husband cried tears of joy because we now have dates for : 1 - When our son can go back to school, and 2 - When the pubs will reopen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1138

You deserved it

288

Favorite

By bg4545 - United States - Whittier

Today, for some reason that is unknown to me, I accidentally referred to my girlfriend as "my ex-girlfriend." To her face. Needless to say, my statement became true afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12411

You deserved it

18439

Favorite

By bethany - Australia

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41476

You deserved it

3553

Favorite

By piemasterzim - Canada

Today, I was messing around with my wife. I grabbed her boobs and said, "Honk honk". Unbeknownst to me, my daughter saw it. Now my 3-year-old girl runs around honking everyone. Even her grandparents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13982

You deserved it

31777

Favorite

By Morgan Jones

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1447

You deserved it

370

Favorite

By Nicholasand - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it's now 1pm in the afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8127

You deserved it

60646

Favorite

By Justus Buhler

Today, my girlfriend told me that she had to go to New Hampshire for a few days for her grandma's funeral. Later I found out she spent over $1,000 dollars (on our joint account) to take a vacation with the man she was cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9310

You deserved it

694

Favorite

By Shouldaknown - United States

Today, I decided to watch a movie I hadn't seen before to bring my spirits up, as I've been feeling down lately. How did the movie end? Everybody died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31069

You deserved it

8365

Favorite

By Kid Lacef

Today, I asked my girlfriend for a kiss, and in response, she suggested that we settle for a hand hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3053

You deserved it

319

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bel Air

Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26071

You deserved it

2057

Favorite

By Dave - United States

Today, a vendor contacted me to let me know that our contract renewal went through. Turns out, I misread our original contract and now I've obligated our company to buy $24k of services, when my boss wanted to cancel it. It's only February and I already know I'm not getting a bonus this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4970

You deserved it

2507

Favorite

By exiledliscense - United States

Today, my dad made me quit my online school classes and go back to public school, because apparently when I'm on the computer, it makes his video games lag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39998

You deserved it

5860

Favorite

By butch - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27269

You deserved it

2367

Favorite

By hungry - United States

Today, is the fourth day of my husband's and my new diet and exercise routine. I've already caught him eating junk food 4 times. He has lost 2 lbs and I've gained 3. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35633

You deserved it

3974

Favorite

By wtfjusthappened - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend from two years ago called and asked to come over. Still being in love with him, I agreed to see him but decided I wasn't drunk enough to handle the stress. After a while of drinking, he said that he really missed me and wanted to be with me. My reply consisted of throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8669

You deserved it

31663

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on an airplane that was experiencing some turbulence. Feeling anxious, I reached over and grabbed my husband's hand for comfort. He then said, "Why are you scared of dying? You're not even pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44845

You deserved it

4185

Favorite

By szechuansauce

Today, my nine-year-old niece found my coloring book that features swear words. I took it away and hid it in a different spot. No less than an hour later, her younger sister found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3972

You deserved it

1257

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I went to the doctor to have my annual check-up. After the doctor made me waddle across the room towards him, hop on one foot for thirty seconds, and then lay on my stomach and do the worm, he finally said, "OK, that wasn't really part of the check-up. You're large on the hips. Lay off the Cheetos." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48201

You deserved it

12803

Favorite

By thirdwheel - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend pays my boyfriend to this day to take me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38654

You deserved it

3155

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, the mother of one of my students bitched me out about her son's poor grades. He lazes around all day, paying no attention and being a constant nuisance. But, she says it's not his fault, and demands that I give him better grades so he won't get "self-esteem" issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52052

You deserved it

3435

Favorite

By Gassy - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31230

You deserved it

3191

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By shaBAMalex | 0

#129480 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:04

Calm down. Lol.

By nomadxx7 | 0

#129487 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:05

Gunshots =/= popcorn

Come out the country. I'll show you what gunshots sound like

COMMENTS

By shaBAMalex | 0

#129480 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:04

Calm down. Lol.

loodles | 0

#964641 - Saturday 20 March 2010 3:25

overreact much.

b182link | 0

#1038271 - Monday 21 June 2010 19:46

you live in alabama

mells105 | 0

#1183908 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 22:36

talk about anxiety

Ryzaki | 0

#1283056 - Sunday 22 August 2010 8:30

I think s/he has no idea what a real gun shot sounds like.

ximenita0731 | 0

#2811570 - Sunday 3 July 2011 8:07

YDI for not knowingg the difference if soundss!!!

MrsDruidess | 23

#5779449 - Thursday 5 December 2013 8:26

idiot!!

By Horde | 8

#129484 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:04

You mistook gunshots to popcorn? lol

By nomadxx7 | 0

#129487 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:05

Gunshots =/= popcorn

Come out the country. I'll show you what gunshots sound like

isaiaha11 | 2

#1331471 - Wednesday 1 September 2010 4:39

win!

michellenKG | 5

#4249729 - Monday 2 April 2012 17:14

is that a death threat?

By A7X5989 | 0

#129488 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:05

really?

By Rockey | 3

#129493 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:06

Either this is fake or you live in the suburbs.

By SophiaMay | 0

#129494 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:06

How stressy are you?

By ozymandias_fml | 0

#129495 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:07

You might want to move out of the ghetto....

By Epic_Fail_Sauce | 0

#129497 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:07

O_O That must be some fricken loud popcorn

Makadog | 0

#4162548 - Wednesday 14 March 2012 7:35

Haha!!!!

By angelsnarrows | 0

#129500 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:08

high.strung.

By dd3_fml | 0

#129507 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 16:10

how the hell could you think popcorn was gunshots?

duke_nukem_25299 | 0

#1103692 - Sunday 18 July 2010 0:12

were gunshots you fat f*ck!