Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the...

By MyMomIsInsane - 10/3/2015 00:28 - United States - Uniontown

Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML

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Miscellaneous

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

DINOSAURS!!

Hello everyone!

By suxx - 25/6/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked around for hours with a post-it on my back reading "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

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By scared2poop - 12/4/2016 02:30 - Australia - Brighton

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

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By T-Guy - 3/7/2011 03:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

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By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - 23/1/2016 07:49 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

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By orcatheseapanda - 9/1/2016 05:14 - Thailand

Today, I was stretching on the balcony, when I heard my neighbor's daughter scream. She was playing in their kiddie pool and thought I was peeping on her. And now her parents think so too. FML

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By treeless - 24/12/2011 08:11 - Canada

Today, my apartment was broken into. The thief stole my TV, $350, and my Christmas tree. There is still a trail of broken ornaments from my living room to the door. FML

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By kawaiixalice - 28/12/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I needed to job shadow someone for my winter break career project. Not finding someone to take me along to their job, my mom suggested shadowing my dad. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I went with him. All day I sat and helped him test human poop samples for parasites. Some was diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my pads were not in fact "big band-aids" and that he should probably remove them from his legs. FML

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By wenchfucker - 18/6/2012 19:49 - France - ?pinal

Today, I was once again passed over for a promotion. I'm now the assistant to a kid who has failed to meet almost every single responsibility he's been given before. It's my job to make sure he's successful, and if he isn't, I'll lose my job. FML

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By nameless - 12/7/2009 06:45 - United States

Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML

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By Kaganate - 9/2/2010 00:32 - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister's boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML

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By unemployed-dude - 8/12/2015 06:17 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I got fired from my job because I closed the store 84 seconds early. They found out because the state manager was sitting across the street with binoculars watching me. FML

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By Sydney - 15/1/2013 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

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By pregnant loser apparently - 20/5/2013 04:31 - United States - Franklin

Today, my parents posted on Facebook that they were excited that my sister was pregnant and couldn't wait to be grandparents. Last week I told them that I, a 33-year-old happily married woman, was pregnant and they told me I was ruining my life and encouraged me to have an abortion. FML

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By diva467 - 3/10/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 03:22 - United States

Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 08:00

Rules are rules

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

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By Gibbster_ - 20/6/2014 05:05 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my life is so boring that I started looking through my can of coins and sorting them out by year. The oldest coin I have is from 1963. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - 1/8/2019 14:00

Today, the boss's arrogant son thought it necessary to demonstrate how to use a hole punch while explaining slowly how he wanted things punched. I have worked admin for years, and I'm the contracts admin, not his PA. FML

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By collegegirl90 - 9/3/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, my best friend resolved things with her boyfriend after he had admitted to cheating on her. I felt really guilty because I drunkenly hooked up with her boyfriend last month. She said, "I felt better when he told me that the girl was extremely ugly and bad in bed." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I know, asking if i could babysit her little brother at my house tonight. I said yes. When the boy came over he mentioned that his sister was having a party and didn't want him there. Turns out all my friends were invited except me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2019 18:02

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put vinegar in my contact solution. I took my contacts out hours ago and my eyes still burn. FML

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By aroman2312 - 6/9/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML

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By Unknown - 15/12/2016 22:49 - Canada

Today, I turned off my boyfriends Xbox while he was playing because I wanted to talk to him about getting more serious with our relationship. As I did so, he said, "that's not the only thing you just turned off" and promptly broke up with me. FML

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By Sorry - 3/3/2010 16:22 - Canada

Today, trying to take initiative, I wore nothing but an apron and led my husband to the kitchen by his knob to have some fun. I tripped on the floor and used his knob to keep balance. FML

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By Surfinbird09 - 20/12/2009 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2017 06:00

Today, in the middle of sex, I was desperate for a fart but tried to hold it in so we weren't forced to stop halfway. Unfortunately, I accidentally let the fart escape, along with runny diarrhea all over my husbands legs and groin. The smell caused him to vomit all over me. FML

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By dumbfounded - 8/5/2016 12:14 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2017 12:00

Today, after two months of being teased by my friends for getting wasted and passing out from only one shot, I learned that I wasn't actually too weak to handle the alcohol. My "friends" had secretly laced my drink with sleeping pills. They're now teasing me for believing them. FML

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By Maestro - 1/12/2008 06:09 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. FML

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By WellThere'sThat - 26/11/2017 15:00

Today, I got a big math test back. Good news: I can connect abstract ideas beyond what was taught. Bad news: I can’t do simple math, such as 30/-5. I failed. FML

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By hey-ooo - 28/10/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends when I suddenly passed out due to my hypoglycemia. When I woke up, I discovered that I was still in the same spot and my friends had abandoned me to go to class. Also, my stuff was stolen. FML

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By numbat97 - 14/6/2019 02:00 - Australia - Burswood

Today, I bought some mandarins so that there would be at least one healthy thing in my shopping basket, and I wouldn’t feel like such a fat lard at the checkout. FML

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By Krit - 10/2/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2010 07:44 - Canada

Today, I was robbed at work. The guy stole my cell phone, bag, and laptop. Because of the robbery, I had to close the store two and a half hours early. My boss decided to dock my hours. FML

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By Auston - 17/7/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML

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By scratchpost - 28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

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By legit247 - 10/5/2013 04:44 - United States - Moscow Mills

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2009 00:22 - Australia

Today, my dad offered to take me and my sister to school because we just moved houses. On the way, he asked us why we looked so tired. We just said we were tired from moving house. Truth is, our room is right next to theirs. We heard everything. Loud and clear. FML

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Top comments

By Dean__Winchester | 16

#6227445 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

1. That's messed up
2. Google how to escape

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6227446 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

Some parents... how the fuck are you supposed to know the problem? how in the blue hell are you supposed to fix it? She wants to turn you into an emergency plumber?.. wickedness. At least did she give you a 3D printer to print out the required tools?

Comments

By Mightyrif | 23

#6227443 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:20

I think I've read a book about crazy mums like this.

Gillett | 23

#6227512 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 10:45

Yeah " Mommy Dearest".

mrmcleod | 29

#6228137 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 21:35

"NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!"

MrsDruidess | 23

#6228570 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 8:34

whats crazy is he has a phone with Internet and hasnt yet called a repair man. . . that would have been my first move

KainMoogle | 21

#6229000 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 16:15

112, why? so their mom can force them to pay for it?

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#6232678 - Sunday 15 March 2015 10:34

The child called IT

apitrix | 24

#6234689 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 4:29

It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again!

By Puffpie | 24

#6227444 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

Oh that's awful! I hope you're ok Op!

wtffml1979 | 22

#6227565 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 11:46

That is awful. I'm thankful I've never had to deal with things like that. I mean we weren't the Brady bunch but never had to deal with that. We don't realize what other have to go through behind closed doors.

By Dean__Winchester | 16

#6227445 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

1. That's messed up
2. Google how to escape

BoyWhoCriedwoof | 5

#6227646 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 13:34

It would still take days to print the tools lol

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6227446 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

mellajella | 14

#6228218 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 23:18

Kind of reminds me of when I was an undergrad in engineering. Every time something was broken, everyone said " you're the engineer, you fix it."

Yeah, my first class was oven repair 101.

By SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#6227447 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

You are not the handyman and that's who she needs to call because of you don't fix it right then she's just going to get mad at you. good luck OP

By kent123654 | 14

#6227448 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

That sucks, hopefully she'll be reasonable soon. If not, maybe you could try calling someone who does know how to fix the hot water heater. Good luck!

coolster5000 | 22

#6227564 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 11:45

My thought was that he should call someone to get him out of the basement first

ninjahesten | 18

#6228064 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 20:20

like the police, fire dep., seach and rescue team or dial random number and whisp "heelp my mom locked me in the basement" just some suggestions :)

By drayloon | 50

#6227449 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:22

Sounds like she needs to cool down a bit instead...

By EclipseCandy6 | 24

#6227450 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:22

Take the hinges off and throw the door down the stairs

By ParisSosa | 11

#6227451 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:23

Should have just done it instead of saying you couldn't.

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6227479 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 10:07

Yeah because everybody in the world can fix a water heater, I guess you can do it too, right? -.-

amberv61 | 22

#6227662 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 13:54

You know there is usually a reason why people say they can't do things. It's because they can't. Just fixing the water heater won't work because he knows nothing about it. They'll probably end up making the problem worse rather than fixing it

By hammonds92 | 21

#6227452 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:26

She sounds like a super b*tch