Miscellaneous: Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the...

By MyMomIsInsane - United States - Uniontown

Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML

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Miscellaneous

Late term

Spooky

Boom, headshot

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. After she left, they told me they disapprove of her because of her supposedly lower social class. Now I have to either dump her or lose the money they set aside to pay for my university tuition. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, some friends got upset with me as I wouldn't leave work early and cycle 12 miles to meet them to fix their punctures because they had no spare tubes or repair kits. The same friends that always mock me for being so prepared on bike rides. FML

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By uneek14 - Canada

Today, while reading some chemistry notes I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say "ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

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By Mark Allan - United States - Alexandria

Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML

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By questionmark707 - United States - Fullerton

Today, while driving my car near a farm, I hit a man on the side of the road. I started freaking out and got out of the car to help him. It was then that I found out that I'd hit a scarecrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my son and daughter that their father and I were getting a divorce. They each responded with "YAY! I want to live with daddy! He buys better presents." Their father has literally never bought anything for them, the exact reason I'm divorcing him. FML

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By broke and hungry - United States - West New York

Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

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By Pixel - Canada - Castlegar

Today, I was supposed to go in for a polygraph test as part of the hiring process to be a cop, but I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep. Finally two hours before the exam, I fell into a deep sleep, so deep that I slept through all my alarms. Worst part: I couldn't lie about sleeping in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had botox injections to stop my face sweating so much. Now the sweat is almost gone, but my facial expression seems to be stuck on "baffled." FML

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By sugar baby24

Today, my boyfriend and my sugar daddy found about each other. FML

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By yup okay - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he finds his car more attractive than me. FML

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By Anonymous

Fishing

Today, I was looking at my boyfriend's rarely-used Facebook page as he was next to me. Last time he was online over a year ago, he had something up that said, "Still looking for that perfect girl." I jokingly said he should update it. He responded, "Why? It's still true." FML

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By Bob - United States - Fairbanks

Today, a judge gave my ex custody of my two sons, most of my money, my house, my car, and has ordered me to take anger management classes. We're getting a divorce because she shot me with a gun. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Joseph

Fiancé of the year

Today, I found out that my fiancé of three years, with whom I share a child, fell in love with my best friend and they’ve been going on dates for the last four months after work. FML

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By piercingfreak - New Zealand

Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML

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By NotoriousSRJ - Canada

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was alone in the car with my grandma for five hours while she told me all about the multiple bladder infections she's had in the past year. FML

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By Shiva - France - Niort

Today, I decided to clean my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML

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By bcoper - United States

Today, I was in pain due to overdoing it at the gym yesterday, so I thought a hot shower might help. Not only was there no hot water because of my sister's hour long showers, but I slipped getting out and hit my head. Now the pain is worse. FML

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By depraved - United States

Today, taking the train to work after the worst hangover ever, two immense fat women start talking about rim jobs. I got up to switch cabins just in time for their conversation to switch over to RECEIVING rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

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By AkaiKitsune

Today, a customer passed out in the bathroom, so we didn't realize he was there until after closing. I don't know what he'd shot up, but whatever it was told him he should run around naked. It's been two hours and the cops still haven't shown up. I can't leave until he does. FML

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By maybe next time? - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was participating in an activity to join a program which I really wanted to join. One of the teachers in charge seemed to notice my efforts and asked if I wanted to join the program. I said yes, thinking I had a chance. She laughed, shook her head before saying no and walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went into my Moms room to look for a t-shirt. I went into her drawer and behind all of her clothes was a cell phone. Not only did I not find the t-shirt, I also found out my Mom is cheating on my Dad with someone from work and now I have to pretend like I don't know. I work there too. FML

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By metalmeow

Today, after taking care not to hurt myself during my workout, I injured my shoulder extricating myself from my sports bra. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw an elderly woman struggling to reach the top shelf in my local grocery store, so I went over and asked if she needed help. She then accused me of flirting with her and had me escorted from the property. FML

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By Monkeys aren't pets - 7/12/2020 23:04 - United States - Millersville

Is that even legal?

Today, I found out in addition to the ADHD teenager they scream at, my boyfriend's parents are planning on getting a monkey. I work at an animal shelter, so now I'm obligated to have a long conversation with them about what a crap idea that is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

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By kelly.duggan - Canada - Carleton Place

Today, I went to get an ultrasound done. I texted my ex, who's the father, and told him how adorable its little feet are, and asked him why he didn't come. I got a reply with two words: "DNA test". FML

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By level6 - United States

Today, after constantly checking my email for a week, I finally got a letter saying that I was accepted to take a test for a job position. The only problem is I was scheduled to test today, eight hours ago. FML

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By Scorned Employee - United States

Today, it finally became clear to me that before you start dating a co-worker, it's best to figure out who they've already dated from work, just in case one of her exes is your new manager. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my 13 year old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

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By Evil_Egbert - Netherlands

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

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By missy - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cranbrook

Today, disappointed with my results on a mathematics test, I went over it and realized my teacher had added up the marks incorrectly, leaving me with 17% less than I earned. The person who's supposed to be teaching me math can't even perform basic arithmetic. FML

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By James - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2021 08:00 - Austria

We need to know more!

Today, I lost the best girl that I’ve ever met, she blocked me on every social media and I don't know why, she wrote to me every day, and suddenly I got blocked. Her birthday is in one month, I had the best present and I can't even change or return it. FML

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By roomingwithevil - United States - Slinger

Today, I found out who my randomly assigned roommate was. Out of 10,000+ people, I just happen to get assigned a girl who threatened to kill me. FML

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By whatsername92 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me the most beautiful diamond ring I have ever seen. As I excitedly put it on my finger, he told me it wasn't an engagement ring, but I should wear it like one to keep other men away and seem "unapproachable". FML

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By embarassedmuch - United States

Today, I bought a new car, and before I left, the dealer offered to help me set up the sync. I agreed, but I really wish I'd remembered that my Bluetooth name is TitsMcGee. FML

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Top comments

By Dean__Winchester | 16

#6227445 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

1. That's messed up
2. Google how to escape

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6227446 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

Some parents... how the fuck are you supposed to know the problem? how in the blue hell are you supposed to fix it? She wants to turn you into an emergency plumber?.. wickedness. At least did she give you a 3D printer to print out the required tools?

COMMENTS

By Mightyrif | 23

#6227443 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:20

I think I've read a book about crazy mums like this.

Gillett | 23

#6227512 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 10:45

Yeah " Mommy Dearest".

mrmcleod | 29

#6228137 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 21:35

"NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!"

MrsDruidess | 23

#6228570 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 8:34

whats crazy is he has a phone with Internet and hasnt yet called a repair man. . . that would have been my first move

KainMoogle | 21

#6229000 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 16:15

112, why? so their mom can force them to pay for it?

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#6232678 - Sunday 15 March 2015 10:34

The child called IT

apitrix | 24

#6234689 - Tuesday 17 March 2015 4:29

It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again!

By Puffpie | 24

#6227444 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

Oh that's awful! I hope you're ok Op!

wtffml1979 | 22

#6227565 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 11:46

That is awful. I'm thankful I've never had to deal with things like that. I mean we weren't the Brady bunch but never had to deal with that. We don't realize what other have to go through behind closed doors.

By Dean__Winchester | 16

#6227445 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

1. That's messed up
2. Google how to escape

BoyWhoCriedwoof | 5

#6227646 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 13:34

It would still take days to print the tools lol

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6227446 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

mellajella | 14

#6228218 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 23:18

Kind of reminds me of when I was an undergrad in engineering. Every time something was broken, everyone said " you're the engineer, you fix it."

Yeah, my first class was oven repair 101.

By SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#6227447 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

You are not the handyman and that's who she needs to call because of you don't fix it right then she's just going to get mad at you. good luck OP

By kent123654 | 14

#6227448 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:21

That sucks, hopefully she'll be reasonable soon. If not, maybe you could try calling someone who does know how to fix the hot water heater. Good luck!

coolster5000 | 22

#6227564 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 11:45

My thought was that he should call someone to get him out of the basement first

ninjahesten | 18

#6228064 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 20:20

like the police, fire dep., seach and rescue team or dial random number and whisp "heelp my mom locked me in the basement" just some suggestions :)

By drayloon | 50

#6227449 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:22

Sounds like she needs to cool down a bit instead...

By EclipseCandy6 | 24

#6227450 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:22

Take the hinges off and throw the door down the stairs

By ParisSosa | 11

#6227451 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:23

Should have just done it instead of saying you couldn't.

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#6227479 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 10:07

Yeah because everybody in the world can fix a water heater, I guess you can do it too, right? -.-

amberv61 | 22

#6227662 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 13:54

You know there is usually a reason why people say they can't do things. It's because they can't. Just fixing the water heater won't work because he knows nothing about it. They'll probably end up making the problem worse rather than fixing it

By hammonds92 | 21

#6227452 - Tuesday 10 March 2015 9:26

She sounds like a super b*tch