Today, my mom came home drunk and yelled at me for 20 minutes... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/11/2012 00:36 - United States - Panama City

Today, my mom came home drunk and yelled at me for 20 minutes for not feeding the cat. We don't have a cat. FML

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The student becomes the master

Creepy

Time for the ER

By Meg - 17/10/2018 15:30

Today, we moved 2,700 miles across the U.S. to better our lives, with job offers and home options lined up. All of them were given to other people or turned out to be scams. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 04:59 - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

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By grossed out mom - 8/7/2015 13:29 - Canada - Scarborough

Today, when I visited my daughter's apartment that she moved into about 3 months ago, I found out that she buys new underwear every time she runs out instead of washing her dirty ones. Her dirty ones have their own special hamper. FML

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By AnnaMarie. - 28/2/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I was standing in the parking lot with my sister, after my aunt's funeral, when my grandma walks up and says to my sister, "You're the one going places in life, I'm proud to have you as a grand daughter." She then looked at me, and walked away. FML

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By 1234 - 22/6/2015 11:26 - United States - Lutz

Today, when I turned on the TV, there was a picture of a wanted murderer. The picture looked just like my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

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By strongjon60 - 7/2/2012 15:07 - United States

Today, at my internship, I was told we were going to do something fun. I was excited, until I found out that this "fun" thing was labeling 500 folders. FML

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By leprechaun23 - 23/4/2012 04:21 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

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By loser - 3/1/2010 12:00 - United States

Today, I handed my friend a $50. I paid her to take care of my farm on Farmville, feed my fish on Fishville, and flip my burgers on Cafe World, while I went on vacation for a week. FML

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By unlolable4321 - 28/4/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, my mother sent a letter to my best friend trying to comfort her over the death of her mother. She signed the letter "LOL, Jen" thinking LOL stood for "lots of love." FML

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By dating a moron - 14/12/2014 17:30 - United States - Dearborn

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to cum if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML

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By sillymink - 20/8/2016 02:06 - United States

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of my grandfather's funeral and my cousin started cracking up. It caused a chain reaction of laughter throughout all of the other cousins and my siblings. Now my aunts won't speak to any of us. FML

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By waxinghorror - 11/7/2009 20:11 - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML

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By sydmarie98 - 6/7/2015 22:51 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my friend let me borrow a pair of jeans. I found out I'm allergic to her laundry detergent when I broke out in a rash everywhere that the jeans touched. FML

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By Fartini - 7/11/2016 06:47

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

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By Robert Herrin - 14/8/2018 18:30

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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By beenawhile - 20/9/2019 04:03 - United States - Boston

Fair point

Today, my 17 year-old brother asked me if I used birth control. When I told him I did, he responded, "Isn't that like using an inhalor when you don't have asthma?" FML

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By Jon - 2/4/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, my ex fiancée, who left me six months ago, asked if I'd mind if she used the wedding dress I bought her for our wedding. She's just gotten engaged again. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2012 06:47 - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 14:51 - Ireland

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me, telling me she's pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 18:14 - United States

Today, I went jet skiing with my girlfriend of four years. I intended to propose to her. The $2000 ring fell out of my pocket and into the lake. I have no idea where it is. FML

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By pansypup - 3/9/2015 02:30 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML

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By bastard - 22/12/2013 21:28 - United States

Today, I went to a nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

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By Nox - 6/1/2010 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend accused me of not having any friends. So I sent out a mass text saying "Hey, what's up?" to prove her wrong. I didn't get any replies. FML

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By Irobot - 15/3/2017 22:00

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was berated by a customer for a good two minutes. It's okay though because she ended with, "Sorry, I forget you all are real people." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 09:21 - Canada

Today, my husband gave me an ultimatum - choose him or my male best friend. I chose my husband. My husband then admitted to me that he was hoping I would choose my best friend so he would have an excuse to leave me and wouldn't have to tell me he's been cheating on me. FML

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By anonymous - 18/3/2011 07:35

Today, I went to the airport to start the amazing 3 week vacation in Costa Rica that I've been saving for and planning for more than a year. They wouldn't let me on the plane because my passport expires in less than 6 months. FML

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By anon - 17/12/2015 18:45

Today, I had to explain to someone in my class who Gandhi really was and that he was not a fictional goblin. FML

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By babs - 7/5/2013 19:07 - United States

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

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By ohshit - 7/3/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, my fiancé picked which new house he thinks we should live in based on the fact that the bathroom was set up in such a way that he can drink himself in to a stupor, then use the toilet and puke in the sink at the same time. FML

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By notmine - 20/4/2014 02:39 - India - New Delhi

Today, I work at a food joint as a chef, and a customer found a long strand of hair in her food. The manager blamed me, even though I'm bald. FML

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By finalyearsofhate - 13/3/2017 22:00

Today, my son took a nap quietly for the first time ever. As I went to wake him up, I realized why. A previously poop-filled diaper came flying at me when I opened the door. FML

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By foodsicknessinATL - 24/11/2016 00:08 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2015 21:42 - United States - Utica

Today, I found out my new puppy has worms by him scooting his butt across my new carpet. It's like smeared spaghetti. FML

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By collball22 - 22/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML

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By stagedivefail - 19/8/2009 14:36 - Australia

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

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By EvilMother - 14/9/2012 00:57 - United States - Hinsdale

Today, after having a long talk with my mother about gays, she told me that she was totally open. I felt completely relieved, being gay myself. Seconds later, she said, "But not for you. I want you to find me a nice girl that can give me lots of grand kids." FML

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By cumguzzler - 6/3/2009 16:14 - United States

Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2011 09:26 - Canada

Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML

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By never ending story - 20/4/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, it doesn’t matter that I had major surgery on my hand 2 days ago and am supposed to be on bed rest with no hand movement for 3 weeks. According to my father and my husband, it doesn’t excuse me from wifely house duties and being the sole caretaker of our one-year-old. FML

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Top comments

By accioshannon | 17

#5154160 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:30

That sounds catastrophic.

By buckdharma | 36

#5154291 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:02

i know...i know. im a copy cat.

Comments

By lovelyheadache | 16

#5154158 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:30

Aw sorry that happened OP, maybe mom will lay off the drinking after the morning hits her.

Reply

AbstraktThoughts | 13

#5154171 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:33

Op should record her mom and put together a mix tape when she has enough drunken rants ;)

Reply

HahaHokayThen | 10

#5154195 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:41

Tsk tsk, haven't fed the cat in so long that you forgot you had one.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5154411 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:39

Yes #1, because so many people stop drinking because they can't stand the hangover...they say they will never drink again...then they drink again...

Reply

desoto96 | 9

#5157028 - Saturday 17 November 2012 4:30

Am I the only one who immediately thought of Bill Cosby?

Reply

lovelyheadache | 16

#5157203 - Saturday 17 November 2012 5:40

Well sorry #37, I was being hopeful. The sarcasm was unnecessary.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5157842 - Saturday 17 November 2012 11:07

Sarcasm is never unnecessary! What are you talking about?! *mops up the puddle of sarcasm* seriously, it's sarcasm on the Internet from a guy you don't know, why do you give a shit what I think? I know I don't give a shit what I think..,wait...

Reply

jimwsssnn | 11

#6629580 - Thursday 16 June 2016 20:01

Think of it this way #37 is a ass

By accioshannon | 17

#5154160 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:30

That sounds catastrophic.

Reply

Charmillionaire | 9

#5154191 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:40

No no wait I have one. Uh... pussy... heh.

Reply

xXxIracebethxXx | 14

#5154208 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:48

Looks like the cat's out of the bag.

Reply

Charmillionaire | 9

#5154213 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:49

You hurt my felines, man :( Howzat?

Reply

hannaaaahr | 33

#5154234 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:57

you gotta be kitten me!

Reply

loserboii | 11

#5154347 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:15

Well this thread put me in a catatonic state of mind.

Reply

accioshannon | 17

#5154377 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:29

So, you guys can't let one pun come and go?

Reply

hannaaaahr | 33

#5154560 - Friday 16 November 2012 11:32

34 - NO! the thought alone makes me fur-ious!

Reply

mazzera_fml | 7

#5154897 - Friday 16 November 2012 15:06

You've got to be kitten me right meow.

By guiltySnake | 16

#5154165 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:30

Well played.

By Chanti_fml | 26

#5154173 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:33

Look what the cat dragged in...

By buckdharma | 36

#5154175 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:34

look what the cat dragged in.

Reply

buckdharma | 36

#5154291 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:02

i know...i know. im a copy cat.

By newbiehere99 | 6

#5154177 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:35

Mom wants her pussy fed ...

Reply

iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#5154427 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:44

Too far.

By XxskyelovexX | 13

#5154181 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:36

Someone sounds like an angry drunk

By 007type | 26

#5154183 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:36

Pussy?

Reply

FMLKitten | 15

#5154188 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:38

You called?

Reply

007type | 26

#5154193 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:40

That was easy..

Reply

newbiehere99 | 6

#5154199 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:42

Hahahha this just made my night :)

Reply

Trix_Disorder | 20

#5154536 - Friday 16 November 2012 11:00

Who made the cat call?

Reply

RussianFox | 13

#5154737 - Friday 16 November 2012 13:10

Sorry am I late to the party?

By FMLKitten | 15

#5154185 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:36

Hey, at least she hasn't thrown up...

Yet.

By heythere131630 | 9

#5154197 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:41

Use this opportunity as an excuse to buy a cat!