Intimacy: Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

12/01/2009 16:19

Spicy

Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 229

You deserved it 8 061

Taking stock

Mother of the year

Best birthday ever!

14/11/2015 22:08

Spicy

Today, I realized when I'm on my phone, I tend to play with my penis, even in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 378

You deserved it 28 504

06/11/2015 10:26

Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 972

You deserved it 32 064

30/10/2010 20:42

Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 489

You deserved it 5 839

03/06/2011 18:32

Today, I got flustered because my hair straightener wasn't working. It took me fifteen minutes to realize I hadn't turned it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 712

You deserved it 48 279

23/08/2011 14:46

Spicy

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 086

You deserved it 6 383

25/03/2016 16:05

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 048

You deserved it 2 708

18/03/2013 23:42

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 518

You deserved it 93 341

17/10/2014 17:56

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 782

You deserved it 4 682

17/04/2013 16:13

Today, I woke up to my brother chopping all my bangs off. When I yelled at him, he could only shout back, "You can see clearly now, the bangs are gone!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 331

You deserved it 8 749

Wax on, wax off

By Bllllaaaaaah - 24/09/2019 04:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. At one point, he started to kiss my ear. Then, he stopped, went into the bathroom, and came out with about four Q-tips. He then said to me, "Just take care of your ears, then I'll continue." FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 1 803

19/04/2014 17:25

Today, my crazily elitist parents were so desperate to get me to dump my fiancé that they threatened to divorce if I didn't. When I told them to go ahead, they bitched me out for being disrespectful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 345

You deserved it 4 168

Family issues

By Anonymous - 14/03/2021 09:01

Today, I found out from my ex-stepmother that my dad and lied about having cancer to cover up the fact that he was losing weight from doing drugs again. He lied about it for 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 017

You deserved it 63

22/07/2010 14:48

Today, while lifeguarding, I saw someone in the wave-pool who appeared to be drowning. So, I jumped in to attempt to save him. Turns out he wasn't drowning, he only had one arm. He yelled at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 038

You deserved it 4 806

07/05/2014 19:16

Today, my neighbor scolded me for "allowing" her son to be bitten by one of my dogs. This would be reasonable, except for the fact that her kid had jumped my fence and tried to steal a rattle out of my daughter's hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 215

You deserved it 3 201

02/03/2012 15:54

Today, I had a long conversation with my fiancé about how smoking menthol cigarettes is not a substitute for brushing your teeth. He still isn't convinced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 247

You deserved it 3 710

09/08/2012 18:10

Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 953

You deserved it 6 836

Vicious and unprovoked

By Anonymous - 12/07/2020 05:01

Today, while I was playing football with a friend, my sister wanted to join in. She was messing around with the ball at the start, then suddenly she kicked the ball through my legs, pulled my shorts down and kneed me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 434

You deserved it 172

10/11/2010 17:14

Today, I tried opening a can for the first time using a manual can opener. I tried for a half hour to open a can of ravioli, mutilating the can in the process. Only after watching five Youtube videos on how to use a manual can opener did I notice the pull-tab on the top of the ravioli can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 840

You deserved it 65 588

28/06/2012 20:29

Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 943

You deserved it 91 019

Strange flex, but OK

By Jpah - 24/06/2009 00:08

Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 823

You deserved it 3 894

11/05/2016 01:38

Today, the elderly lady I work for got mad at me, all because I wouldn't feed her imaginary friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 966

You deserved it 1 323

20/06/2016 14:54

Today, I went to a club with 6 girls thinking it would be awesome. As soon as we got there, they all said they wanted to go dance and asked if I could watch their purses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 755

You deserved it 2 770

Wrap it

By Anonymous - 09/07/2020 20:02

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend, who I have been seeing for a year, decided to tell me that he has herpes and has not taken any precautions to stop it from passing on. We have had unprotected sex quite a lot over the last year, so now I most likely have herpes too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 142

You deserved it 473

17/05/2012 15:02

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, my boyfriend threw little stones against my window. Unfortunately, the window wasn't closed, and I was standing in front of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 277

You deserved it 3 508

06/04/2012 07:24

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 598

You deserved it 27 890

10/08/2013 10:48

Today, my new husband and I were called up to have our first dance at our wedding. While I rested my head on his shoulder, he whispered the most romantic thing to me: "Your breath stinks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 549

You deserved it 12 239

10/11/2016 23:39

Today, I was at work training for a new position. The girl who's been training me since I started decided to share about one of her tribe's proud, sacred traditions of eating raw, human flesh. I have another month shadowing her before I can work independently. I'm beyond disturbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 365

You deserved it 819

03/05/2014 00:03

Today, my boss told our production department that we're not allowed to be happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 567

You deserved it 3 581

11/11/2009 16:13

Today, I let my dad borrow my car. I found out a few hours later that he has had a suspended license for three years. How did I find out? He got pulled over and arrested. My car was also impounded. I'm a college student barely making it as it is. Guess who can't afford the impound fees? FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 471

You deserved it 3 274

25/08/2016 05:53

Today, I decided to pop the question to my beloved. Perfect lighting, fresh cut roses, a fancy dinner. The restaurant was in on it too. Shame they brought out the wedding-themed congratulations dessert before I actually went down on my knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 840

You deserved it 1 269

Remember bars?

By Baby_girl - 06/06/2009 02:14

Today, my best friend whom I have been in love with for years, called me, proposed, and confessed his love for me. He was at a noisy bar so I asked him to call me back later and we'd discuss it. He called back later, hungover, with no recollection of our conversation whatsoever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 235

You deserved it 5 263

08/12/2010 15:24

Today, I was sitting in a parked car. A woman was having difficulties maneuvering out. She honked the horn repeatedly for me to move, then looked me in the eye and called me a "f**king bitch", before driving off. I was in the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 895

You deserved it 3 185

05/10/2012 05:59

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 056

You deserved it 3 073

29/07/2012 01:21

Today, I went to the hospital due to extreme sickness. My boyfriend saw this as an opportune time to take another girl out since I was "otherwise preoccupied." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 474

You deserved it 2 364

11/01/2009 16:46

Today, I have a degree in electrical engineering, my wife was doing a crossword and asked me what are the units of capacitance, I couldn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 015

You deserved it 9 060

12/03/2011 10:53

Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 205

You deserved it 33 539

04/07/2019 00:06

Today, my fiancé accidentally ran over the priest who is supposed to be marrying us in 3 days. Now, not only do we need a new priest, we need a new church to get married in, with only 3 days to find them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 606

You deserved it 258

15/10/2015 04:43

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend because she wanted to be with a man who has an income and a stable career. We are seniors in college and I accepted a really good job offer which I start once I graduate, which she knows about. She dumped me for a drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 921

You deserved it 2 154

02/08/2011 17:35

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 414

You deserved it 5 275

02/09/2016 02:45

Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 046

You deserved it 911

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Tuesday 17 March 2009 3:27

my friends first sexual experience was when he was 16, he was eating out this asian college girl. She lost control and shit all over his face. i cherish that story, and wanna tell my kids about it one day. "Hey kids! wanna hear one about your uncle james?"

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Friday 13 February 2009 2:03

Someone needs to learn to wipe better...

Comments

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Friday 13 February 2009 2:03

Someone needs to learn to wipe better...

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Sunday 15 February 2009 14:55

LMAO @ #8... Okay who shitted in the bed... and please tell me you own a dog...

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Tuesday 29 November 2011 10:58

How did you comment on number 8 before he/she posted his/her comment?

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Friday 5 October 2012 1:26

#6 can see into the future.

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Friday 20 February 2009 20:50

OMG that happened to a guy i was banging too. I was on top and when he got up to go to the restroom there was a bit of shit on the sheets where his ass had been... (we dont "shag" anymore"

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Wednesday 25 February 2009 21:50

that's extremely disgusting.

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 12:00

Ewwwww!!!

x0x_KissOfDeath 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 19:24

LMFAO! im in a very public place right now, sitting alone in a corner, and literally laughing out loud. Honestly, i think i peed a little! hahahahaha

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Saturday 13 August 2011 18:07

At least you didn't poo yourself like this poor fellow

x0x_KissOfDeath 0

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Thursday 12 March 2009 19:28

P.S. poop jokes=never appropriate but always funny...okay...sometimes appropriate

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Wednesday 3 February 2010 15:30

hahaha whAt a fag

rootbeerfanatic 6

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Monday 16 March 2009 7:45

um... ew

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Monday 16 March 2009 8:34

that doesn't sound very sanitary...

ill 0

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Monday 16 March 2009 10:18

You must be obese.