Intimacy: Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago... - FML

By misshb - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

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At will

Deadly cocktail

Fake News

By guyssuck - Canada - Yellowknife

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant with a horribly sore back and an insensitive husband. I'm so desperate for relief that I'm lying on the couch, using my vibrator to give myself a back massage. FML

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By Brody89 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

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By CollegeStudent

Today, after being excited and trying to make plans with all my friends, they all turned out to be busy. After watching Netflix most of the night, I check my Snapchat stories only to see them all hanging out without me at one of their houses. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 05:04

NRA fanboy

Today, I finally confronted my husband about his silicon *wedding ring* having rifle bullets on it. He said, "I love you as much as I love guns." I clarified, "As much as?" to give him an out. He replied, 100% serious, that he really loves his guns. FML

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By in_hardik - United States

Today, at my workplace, I saw a system crashing. I mean literally, my manager was throwing my colleague's laptop at him while shouting around the office. This is only my second day. FML

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By Unwanted - Australia

Today, I was in a car with my house-mate and friends after a long day of studying, when we pulled up at our place. Thinking that we were all going to hang there, I waited for everyone to start getting out. No one did. Turns out they were just waiting for me to get out so they could then leave and go out together. FML

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By markyvilla - United States

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to visit my alcoholic father. He remembered to ask me how my dog Reggie is, but could not remember the name of "my pal." My "pal" is also my wife of four years. FML

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By Not Worth a Lunch - United States - Durham

Today, my boss told me they were letting me go because they "could no longer afford to pay me." Never mind the catered lunch they had the day before, which cost more than a week's worth of my salary. FML

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By misc - United States

Today, my boss reeks of mothballs. We share a cubicle. FML

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By FamilyLoving - United States - Patchogue

Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of water, a car pulled onto the sidewalk and bumped into me. Not just any car; my dad's car. He then drove away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my seemingly innocent younger brother showed our family a video of what he was doing last night when he skipped New Student Orientation. He's been in college all of 48 hours and he's already joined a fight club. FML

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By minime94 - United States - Sunset

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend while we were on my couch having a romantic moment. She seemed incredibly excited when she saw the ring and put it on. The way she bolted out the door tells me I'm not going to see her again. FML

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By Claire.L - 10/5/2020 20:00

Catch 22

Today, I gave my boss a two-month notice. He threatened me by saying he wouldn't provide a reference if I quit in July instead of August. I need the reference to pursue my dream to work in the USA as a nanny. I have no other choice, I either work under their pressure or start all over. FML.

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By EarScentedCandle - United States - Philadelphia

Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

Today, after watching Shrek, my little brother started collecting his earwax to make it into a candle like Shrek did. I can’t get him to throw it away even after bribing him with bags of candy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in the box office. A group came in for tickets but wanted to pay individually. One paid $40 for a $25 ticket. Laughing, I reached for the calculator while saying, "I went to public school, so I can't do math." They didn't laugh. They were all teachers in public schools. FML

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By Glutton - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

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By Happy 20th! - United States

Today, it's my 20th birthday! Happy birthday to me! My boyfriend threw a beer can through my back wind-shield after breaking up with me. FML

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By FenderBender - Canada

Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Metallurge - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I was so hungry when I finished work that I grabbed some chips to eat on the bus home. The guy who sat next to me spat in them as he left to get off. FML

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By yermom - United States

Today, I was entertaining people during an extra curricular school function in order to help "brighten people's spirits in their time of need". After it was all over, I found out that my phone had been stolen. FML

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By D - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

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By missseloit3

Today, I met a nice guy who wanted to chat. I didn't want to be the bitchy type and throw him the "I have a boyfriend" line right away, so I conversed with him. When he asked was I single I, of course, said no. He yelled at me and made a huge scene about me leading him on. FML

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By good big sister? - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, my 7-year-old sister had a nightmare, so I let her sleep in my bed. I woke up to her punching me in the face and giving me a black eye. Apparently, she not only screams when she's having a nightmare, she also "gives the bad guy a taste of his own medicine." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave a homeless man my last bit of spare change so he could get on the bus. Just as I was about to get on too, I realized I'd lost my bus card. I had to get off the bus and watch as the man waved at me through the window. FML

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By Bullocks - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not by any sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having lunch with my mom before an important job interview. She commented than my lips looked dry and crackly and gave me her chapstick with aloe to put on. Apparently I'm allergic to aloe and my lips got so swollen I could hardly talk. It was too late to reschedule the interview. FML

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By Why

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2021 23:01

Ring of fire

Today, I learned the hard way that I'm allergic to a particular brand of tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 23:01

Unwanted

Today, I found out that I was not invited to my grandma's 80th surprise birthday party. I found out about it from my mom who lives out of state. I’m the only immediate family that would've been able to come. Due to coronavirus, I also missed my grandpa's 80th birthday. Guess I’m 2/2 this year. FML

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By fmlpgh - United States

Today, my husband told me to hold out my hand. He opened his, and in mine dropped a giant mutant tooth he had pulled a few months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bradenton

Today, I was sitting in a bar telling some young dude to accept responsibility for his life choices. I'm over 50 and was spending my last five dollars on beer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed. My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house. FML

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By Tooyoungforthis - United States - Arvada

Dad, no, enough!

Today, I had to download a parental block so my dad would stop watching porn on my laptop. FML

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By lookslikeaboyapparently - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl came up to me and asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I said, "I'm a girl of course!" She walked away, looking dazed and saying, "Whoa." FML

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By my name is sarah - United States - Midland

Today, my mom called me by her favorite TV show character's name. Again. This is the eighth time this week. I'm an only child, and I'm 15. I thought she had my name down pat by now. FML

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By anon17 - United States

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had responded to an online missed connection posting. He has been emailing, exchanging pictures and making plans to go out with this girl. We are supposed to be married in the fall and just put down the non-refundable deposit on our reception site. FML

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By Oh-Shit! - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

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By cmolloy - Ireland

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

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By SwAGkiLlS - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML

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Top comments

By jazlyn1986 | 0

#781753 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:30

why would u fall for it again?

By Nic_hole | 0

#781762 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:32

ahhh dude :/ he's a prick! you seriously don't deserve to be treated like that, well actually, NOBODY Should be treated like that..

COMMENTS

By iamgoofymovie | 0

#781736 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:27

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

KibaSama | 0

#945833 - Sunday 14 March 2010 14:07

im srry thats horrible

Reply

thatonek1d | 0

#1029629 - Sunday 13 June 2010 19:47

that's also known as him being a bitch and you being a whore. get a pimp, not a room.

Reply

SadinSherman | 16

#1596786 - Sunday 24 October 2010 21:33

She loved him,how is she a whore?

By MasterHurricane | 0

#781738 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:27

punch him in the face...&first, as ive never said it before

Reply

FYLyo | 0

#995186 - Sunday 16 May 2010 5:43

im sorry but ur #2

Reply

blayke96 | 8

#3244170 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 4:23

You're second :P

By alexsannell | 13

#781740 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:28

wowsers =p

By jazlyn1986 | 0

#781753 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:30

why would u fall for it again?

Reply

hahasooo | 2

#4345424 - Monday 23 April 2012 22:30

i kno right.
soo stupid.

Reply

Pixiewolfe | 46

#7462170 - Monday 29 May 2017 16:26

Seduced to forget why they were broken up in the first place..

By OMGFYLHARD | 0

#781757 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:31

first is for fags! fifth!

By Nic_hole | 0

#781762 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:32

ahhh dude :/ he's a prick! you seriously don't deserve to be treated like that, well actually, NOBODY Should be treated like that..

Reply

Dragonstorm786 | 17

#6603478 - Thursday 12 May 2016 0:43

Although, I agree, there are the some who should be.

By E40_fml | 0

#781766 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:33

Aww /: So sorry.

By ihatedads | 0

#781782 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:38

Aww , atleast now you know he's completely not with it !

By brutal_banger | 10

#781800 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:43

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

scice03 | 8

#6175887 - Sunday 18 January 2015 3:55

Skank? Why?

By breyahna12397 | 0

#781803 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:44

Wowser
What a douche bag
=p