Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago... - FML

By misshb - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Whatthefuckaburger

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that they were having problems delivering a bouquet from my ex. I was thrilled at the idea of a reconciliation. Turns out however that he just got mine and his new girlfriend's phone numbers confused. FML

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By justawallflower - United States - Elyria

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, is the day of the biggest concert in the state of Florida, and it's also my birthday. I was so excited to hear my mom got tickets. It was for her boyfriend and her. I'm stuck at home babysitting. FML

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By zboy_123 - India

Today, I went to this meditation center which my mom suggested to get mental peace as I have been hating my job and life for some time now. I drove for an hour and then walked around in scorching Indian sun for 2 hours trying to locate the damn place. I got lost and returned home angrier than ever. FML

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By Miguel - United States

Today, in algebra, I took out my notebook. My Chinese teacher was so impressed with my "Chinese" writings on the cover that I'm now her "favorite student". Those "Chinese" symbols are actually Japanese, but I wanted someone to like me so badly that I didn't correct her. FML

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By cdick - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to exchange presents for our birthdays. I spent $100 on perfume and Victoria's Secret clothes. She bought me a bag of lifesavers, then asked me to leave because she wanted to take a nap. FML

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By copycat - United States - Norco

Today, I turned in my homework. Too bad I accidentally handed in the printed answer sheet I found online to copy from. FML

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By iDisable - Australia

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to disable my iPod Touch for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I went to enter my password. I missed a number accidentally. 50 minutes to go. FML

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By Kelly

Today, I discovered that my 17-year-old daughter received several weird deposits from Paypal. I checked her phone to discover that she had changed the password for the first time in years. Fearing drugs, I confronted her. She broke down and confessed to selling rare digital Pokemon on eBay. FML

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By AshamedDaughter - Canada

Today, my Dad and I went to McDonald's, only to have him shove two handfuls of sugar packets into the bag. He said, "If it's for free, why only take one?" To make it worse, my crush was at the till, watching what was happening. FML

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By dgordo3 - United States

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

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By Azcrazy - United States

Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She has been there all day. FML

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By RensM - New Zealand

Today, I went to the movies. I was seated next to a woman who talked through the film and said: "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

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By Oh hello there

Today, I accidentally left my Nintendo 3DS at the barbershop, so I rushed back to get it. The 60-year-old barber had destroyed it with a hammer, saying it was a weapon of the devil. I was gone 5 minutes. FML

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By NoPeeGiven - United States - Palatine

Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

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By jimboxo - United States

Today, my fiancée got out of the shower, completely shaved. I went over to her, wrapped her in a hug and asked her what the occasion was. She pulled away and said that she had a gyno appointment. My fiancée will clean up for the gyno, but not for me. FML

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By Username

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache, as he had whiskers. He looked at me and said "No, but apparently you are." FML

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By bopbop - United States

Today, my brother came out to our family as being gay. My mother starting crying because "She wanted grandchildren." I told her that I was planning on having children. She started crying harder. FML

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By kneesarethenewdesk - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend jumped, naked, onto my computer desk, with the intention of having sex on it. A new, £250 computer desk, broken beyond repair. And we didn't even have sex. FML

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By TasedAndDazed - United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

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By fmlsrsly - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML

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By Lolrus - Qatar

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

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By crippled - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I helped my dad push our broken-down truck from the driveway onto the tire ramp. Truck didn't make it; neither did my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Powell

Today, after having multiple dreams where I have a daughter with my boyfriend, I'm now emotionally attached to a child who isn't real, and I get depressed when I can't be with her in real life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while video chatting with my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, I thought I'd play a song for her on my guitar. The string broke and hit me in the face. I burst into tears and had to hang up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend asked me how big the Sun would be compared to the Earth. I didn't have anything on me to help demonstrate, so to imitate the Earth, I made a small hole with my index finger and thumb and said "Okay, imagine a ball this small." She then looked at my crotch. FML

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By anyomous - United States

Today, I bought tickets for my friends and me to go to a concert. While I was in the shower, they ditched me and took my girlfriend. FML

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By coloring is not for me - United States

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

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By wtf - United States

Backhanded

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 05:01

Collateral damage

Today, my sweet, nonviolent boyfriend found out my daughter's asshole boyfriend had hit her, so he rugby-tackled him so hard, it ripped the door right out of the frame and into the garden. I never knew he had it in him, so I'm proud, but now we've got to fix the door. FML

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By rebeccaremily - Canada

Today, my computer stopped working. Me, the technology challenged one, decided to do a system recovery on it hoping that I could make it better. Turns out, system recovery means deleting all the files off the computer including family photos, music and assignments and starting fresh. FML

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By ExtendedVacation - United States

Today, I submitted a vacation request to my manager and it was approved. I came back from lunch and was informed that I have been let go. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

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By CoffeeStained - United States - Richmond

Today, I set my cup of coffee down on the stall floor to take care of my business. A hand reached under the stall door and took my coffee. I yelled to give it back, calling them obscene names. Moments later, my fresh coffee came flying over the door. I'm burned from my head to my legs. FML

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By Saduglydad - United States - Houston

Today, my daughter wore my favorite Christmas sweater to an ugly sweater party. FML

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Top comments

By jazlyn1986 | 0

#781753 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:30

why would u fall for it again?

By Nic_hole | 0

#781762 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:32

ahhh dude :/ he's a prick! you seriously don't deserve to be treated like that, well actually, NOBODY Should be treated like that..

COMMENTS

By iamgoofymovie | 0

#781736 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:27

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

KibaSama | 0

#945833 - Sunday 14 March 2010 14:07

im srry thats horrible

Reply

thatonek1d | 0

#1029629 - Sunday 13 June 2010 19:47

that's also known as him being a bitch and you being a whore. get a pimp, not a room.

Reply

SadinSherman | 16

#1596786 - Sunday 24 October 2010 21:33

She loved him,how is she a whore?

By MasterHurricane | 0

#781738 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:27

punch him in the face...&first, as ive never said it before

Reply

FYLyo | 0

#995186 - Sunday 16 May 2010 5:43

im sorry but ur #2

Reply

blayke96 | 8

#3244170 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 4:23

You're second :P

By alexsannell | 13

#781740 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:28

wowsers =p

By jazlyn1986 | 0

#781753 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:30

why would u fall for it again?

Reply

hahasooo | 2

#4345424 - Monday 23 April 2012 22:30

i kno right.
soo stupid.

Reply

Pixiewolfe | 46

#7462170 - Monday 29 May 2017 16:26

Seduced to forget why they were broken up in the first place..

By OMGFYLHARD | 0

#781757 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:31

first is for fags! fifth!

By Nic_hole | 0

#781762 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:32

ahhh dude :/ he's a prick! you seriously don't deserve to be treated like that, well actually, NOBODY Should be treated like that..

Reply

Dragonstorm786 | 17

#6603478 - Thursday 12 May 2016 0:43

Although, I agree, there are the some who should be.

By E40_fml | 0

#781766 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:33

Aww /: So sorry.

By ihatedads | 0

#781782 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:38

Aww , atleast now you know he's completely not with it !

By brutal_banger | 10

#781800 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:43

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

scice03 | 8

#6175887 - Sunday 18 January 2015 3:55

Skank? Why?

By breyahna12397 | 0

#781803 - Monday 18 January 2010 9:44

Wowser
What a douche bag
=p