Kids: Today, my little 7 and 6 year old cousins came visit my family...

By BadMurderer - Mexico

Today, my little 7 and 6 year old cousins came visit my family home. I heard the oldest one say that my sister was nice and pretty. Then the youngest replied "Yeah, but the older one has the face of a murderer." FML

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Kids

Get 'em!

Tetchy

Woodland mystery

By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my girlfriend got heartburn. She started freaking out, convinced she was having a heart attack. Five hours and an ambulance later, we finally left the ER with a diagnosis of 'too many hot dogs.' FML

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3810

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By Anonymous - Germany - Mannheim

Today, my car is still in the shop, so I asked my psycho brother to drive me to the mall. He sped up to nearly 20km over the speed limit, so I shouted for him to stop before he got us both killed. He hit the brakes in the middle of an intersection, and wouldn't move again until I got out. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

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24829

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By Darth Vomitus - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

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26412

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By Carrie - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy I met online. After 30 minutes, he abruptly stands up and says he has to leave. He practically ran out of Starbucks to get away from me. FML

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By f__k_it - United States

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

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By JC - United States

Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML

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29463

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By Danielle Heichelbech - 8/11/2020 08:02 - United States

Chemical warfare

Today, my 28-year-old husband lifted one cheek, strained so hard I thought he'd shat himself, and screamed, "Fire one!" as he released from his ass a stench so awful all my eyebrows and eyelashes are now permanently curly. FML

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By Jon - United States

Today, I hit a horrible tee shot from the 18th hole. I decided to use my driver to take my frustration out on a nearby bush. The bees who lived in that bush decided to use their stingers to take out their frustration up inside my golf shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

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4790

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By kalisa anteater - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I had to explain to my mother that a lace mini-dress with an obscene amount of cleavage was not appropriate to wear while meeting my boyfriend's parents. She called me an "annoying prude" and said that with my attitude, I don't deserve to have a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51200

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 17:00

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Today, I was getting frisky with my husband under the covers in bed. My son decided to run into our room and cannonball on top of my husband. This startled him, which caused him to bite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1384

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By seethroughpee - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML

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32179

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By Mia - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3706

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

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69530

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

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18021

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By shay786 - 5/5/2020 17:00

My eyes!

Today, I heard grunting and then realized it was my tenant with his boyfriend. When I went down to do my laundry, I caught them in the act. FML

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1583

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By stupidboss - United States - Bellingham

Today, I got into a car accident with my boss, and he asked if I could come to work the next day. I'm in the hospital and he knows it. FML

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20429

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was pouring rain outside, I had 2 textbooks in my hands. I took a shortcut, and instead of running around the small pole that directed the line at the cafe, I decided to jump over it. In front of a group of guys, my foot got caught and I face planted with my books flying everywhere. FML

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16337

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By Anonymous - United States - Parker

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

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42208

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I arrived in my dorm at 3 am to find my roommate passed out and a nauseating stench. While I was gone, he got drunk and puked all over the walls, carpet, and both beds. His inebriated attempt to clean up the mess consisted of smearing his vomit everywhere with my shower robe. FML

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37878

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By smoothies14 - United States - Weatherford

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

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28324

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cleaning my apartment because I'm moving. I was being really thorough so I could get as much of the damage deposit back as possible. I noticed I still had one of those 3M plastic hooks on the wall, and when I went to carefully take it off, a large chunk of the wall came with it. FML

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By inseriouspain - United States

Today, I popped a zit and I went to put my acne medicine on it. It's in a clear bottle with a blue cap, just like the nearby nailpolish remover. I grabbed the wrong one. FML

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28404

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By Michelle C - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man asking for money for food. Not wanting to give him money so he'd spend it on booze, I decided to buy him a full big mac meal from McDonalds. When I went to hand it to him, he quickly waved his hand, denying it saying, "Thanks but I'm a vegetarian". FML

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By Hue - United States

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

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23338

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By nopenopenopenope - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I tried to have a relaxing soak in the tub. The giant wolf spider that was already in the tub didn't like me trying to set it free outside. It ran right across my feet and back into my house when I dumped it out of a cup outside. I screamed like a little girl. FML

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By Bliss - United States

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

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26904

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By poopiemanlol - Canada

Today, I realized that you should never teach your 6 year old child how to use the microwave, unless you want to be cleaning melted pet fish for about half an hour. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

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By p - Canada - Markham

Today, I had a piano exam. My friend noticed how nervous I was, and recommended that I compliment the examiner for higher marks. When it was time for the exam, without thinking, I told him I liked his hair. Turns out bald people don't like that. FML

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By CJ - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and asked, "Mom, why are we so poor?" I replied, in a sweet motherly tone "Honey, we're not poor." She then asked, "Then why do you dress like we are poor?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

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663

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By Anonymous

Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4531

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By NeverDrinkingAgain - Canada

Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML

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By mugged - United States

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". FML

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By lxygrl - United States - Phenix City

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

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By Ashley J. - United States

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

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Top comments

By ALittleBitCrazy | 0

#444588 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:07

Kids always tell the truth

By NGM_47 | 0

#444600 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:12

They're just kids....ignore them! This FML is almost like those whiny girls who complain about their boyfriends making fat and ugly jokes at them. I really don't see how your life is fucked by the opinion of a 6 year old

COMMENTS

By ALittleBitCrazy | 0

#444588 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:07

Kids always tell the truth

smnc | 0

#445452 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:31

YDi FOR HAViNq LiL CUSiNS !
AHAHAHAHA JP
FYL .

hellokittywhore | 0

#852514 - Saturday 13 February 2010 19:00

you gotta give it to that awsome kid tho, she or he's got dome creativeity!!!!

TaylorTotsYumm | 10

#1029816 - Monday 14 June 2010 0:54

Smart little kids, aren't they?

Moo_Horse | 0

#1592722 - Sunday 24 October 2010 4:03

#47 learn to f-in talk thats annoying as hell

delude | 26

#6159406 - Thursday 1 January 2015 4:17

Anyone else love how the top comments contradict each other?

By Trollpwnt | 0

#444589 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:07

Second.

snickerz01 | 0

#2562666 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 16:37

a number a that is divided by zero four times, then halfed

By UrRightFML | 0

#444591 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:07

thats kinda funny, sorry!

By TherapyWouldHelp | 0

#444595 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:09

Sux2bu

By ALittleBitCrazy | 0

#444598 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:11

But sorry for you :|

By NGM_47 | 0

#444600 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:12

By baller789 | 0

#444609 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:21

YDI for having the face of a murderer

regalarius | 0

#446046 - Friday 31 July 2009 23:53

Yeah, kill people less in your future? I dunno. FYL if they're being honest and not assholes.

By Paige_Nicole10 | 0

#444611 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:21

well since six year olds havent developed the kiss ass hormone yet, (fortunately i havent developed it at all) they usually call them as they see them, so i can see why they would be hurt. especially since they are the OP's family and all.

Horde | 8

#444664 - Friday 31 July 2009 13:06

You're honest or you have friends

Paige_Nicole10 | 0

#446981 - Saturday 1 August 2009 7:42

eh? i dont get this because i fit in both categorys

By _Noon_ | 0

#444631 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:37

A six year old came up with that? He probably heard his mom or dad say it xD

NDouglas | 0

#444767 - Friday 31 July 2009 15:24

I agree 100%... Which means this is what your aunt and uncle say about you behind your back.

A double FYL

By sophia_maria | 0

#444649 - Friday 31 July 2009 12:50

This made me laugh. A lot.