Today, my landlord sent tree cutters to take down a tree in our... - FML

By iheartnjdevils - 12/1/2011 19:42 - United States

Today, my landlord sent tree cutters to take down a tree in our front yard. I didn't realize their job included walking around the house and gratuitously staring at me through the window as I dressed. My boyfriend won't complain because he's afraid our rent will go up in retaliation. FML

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White line fever

Emergency haircut

Don't shoot the messenger

By Optimist - 4/8/2009 08:26 - Canada

Today, I found out I have an option on my phone to postpone the sending of my text messages. I thought it would be cute to send my boyfriend texts saying, " I love you and sweet dreams" every night at midnight for a month. He broke up with me and I can't figure out how to stop the texts. FML

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By TooYoungForThis - 3/9/2019 20:00

Benjamin Button

Today, my father was helping me move into college. When we arrived, the students helping people move in mistook me for one of the parents. I’m 19. FML

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By Trollface - 31/1/2017 20:00 - Canada

Today, while cuddling in bed, I tried to tell my girlfriend she was cute. It came out, "I wish you were cuter." FML

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By unicorn - 13/9/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 17:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

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By Familyskank - 6/5/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

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By mybmw - 14/10/2009 10:39 - United States

Today, was my mom's birthday. I recently got my first job, thanks to her, and could finally afford to buy her something nice. I spent my first paycheck ever on buying her a very nice bracelet. She said it was nice, then asked if I would mind if she exchanged it for one she actually liked. FML

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By rachel - 19/2/2011 01:06 - United States

Today, my house got broken into for the third time. The nice police officer said that if I didn't want my house to keep being robbed I should, "Fix the place up so it doesn't look like a crummy vacant building." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2019 18:00

Hey Scratchy!

Today, I got a mosquito bite under each armpit. FML

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By Dan - 20/10/2018 15:30

Today, I put some Gold Bond in between my legs to help reduce moisture. After I finished applying it, I discovered that the Gold Bond had Menthol in it. My crotch is on fire. FML

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By Cupcakes - 15/4/2013 05:11 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my boyfriend said he felt like eating icing. So I baked him cupcakes, put icing on them and decorated them. When I handed them to him, he picked off the decoration, licked the icing and handed the cupcake back to me, saying, "I told you that's all I wanted." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 22:22 - Australia - Padstow

Today, my friend asked if she could come over to my place. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I said sure. Turns out she just wants to copy all my notes for our upcoming exam. FML

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By al - 15/4/2012 03:02 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML

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By nofinal - 10/12/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7 am to take my last final. When I got to the parking lot, I realized my car was missing. After speaking to the police for 3 hours, I called my girlfriend to let her know what happened. She then told me I had parked on the street the night before. So much for the 8 am final. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 08:02 - United States - Staten Island

Date grape

Today, my boyfriend and I were drinking wine naked after sex. He went to get another glass, but on the way back tripped and fell flat on his face. His roommate unexpectedly came home, saw him face-down on the floor, thought I'd drugged him and tackled me before I could explain. FML

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By masterzach21 - 22/1/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML

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By birdfoooo - 29/11/2011 15:26 - United States

Today, as I was leaving Wal-mart, a huge group of birds settled along the wire above the street. I thought it would be hilarious to scare them, so I stuck my head out the window and screamed. The birds responded by simultaneously shitting on my car in very neat rows. FML

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By random0605 - 29/9/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, the clerk at Walmart asked me if the stretch mark cream I was buying was for my wife. I wish I could've said yes. FML

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By Urinator - 16/9/2015 18:26 - United Kingdom - Inchture

Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 20:00

Today, my father, who I haven't spoken to in over 12 years, contacted me. He just wanted to let me know that I should get tested for a rare neurological disease. The only thing the man has given to me since my conception is potentially a death certificate. FML

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By leahbeuhh - 5/9/2009 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML

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By drooooooool - 9/11/2010 17:17 - United States

Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying to write an essay. I got most of the way done, then unexpectedly fell asleep on my keyboard. When I woke up, my face was wet. I drowned my laptop in my drool. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2012 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML

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By CheapFamily - 9/4/2014 23:47 - United States

Today, I graduated from Basic Training. I was really looking forward to seeing my family after being away for almost three months. They decided not to come to graduation because they didn't want to spend the money to travel here. They live 30 minutes away. FML

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By not my fault you’re a vapid idiot - 1/4/2019 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my coworker told everyone on staff that I’m a stuck up bitch because I stared blankly at her when she tried to talk to me. I tried to listen, but I zoned out after she rambled on endlessly about the Kardashians and Kanye West. FML

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By jjhach - 12/9/2014 22:27 - Canada - Aldouane

Today, while fishing my remote out from behind the couch, I found my fiancé's stash of old toenails. FML

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By madfather - 23/2/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

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By bowler - 13/12/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the bowling alley. The manager was busy and asked if I could wait. Let's just say I've never bowled before, and I wanted to know how deep the hole was on the bowling ball. The interview ended with him spitting on my finger, trying to get it out. FML

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By Chelsea - 2/4/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

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By KD - 4/1/2015 21:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 22:06 - United States

Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML

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By leftbehind - 27/2/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my family was leaving for a weekend trip and was supposed to pick me up on the way down. About an hour before they are supposed to arrive my mom calls to tell me that there's no room left in the car so they won't be stopping to get me. FML

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By pignose - 5/9/2019 02:01

Nose job

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. The youngest said, "Wow! You have huge nostrils!" She noticed my offended look and pushed her nose up like a pig's, saying, "It’s okay! Now I do too!" FML

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By go choke on a gonad - 8/8/2013 13:13 - United States - Dayton

Today, my fiancé asked for money to bail his brother out of jail, the same brother who happily spent a whole day recently trying to convince my fiancé that I've been cheating on him with my own cousin. So I said no. He shook his head in disgust and said that I'm "unbelievably spiteful". FML

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By satega - 17/11/2012 09:15 - United States - Smithville

Today, I asked my manager if wearing makeup was a requirement for the job. She told me, "Not if you're naturally pretty... So for you, yes". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, My family and I were in New Orleans. We passed by all of the naughty peep shows with posters of naked women everywhere on the way to dinner. At the restaurant, my dad asks me if that was the first pair of boobs I have seen. My mom butted in saying, "Nah, remember all that porn we found?" FML

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By Crapper. - 16/9/2016 20:35 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I'm a janitor at a middle school. Someone took a poo and placed it on the sink. FML

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By smurfpoo - 9/8/2011 07:35 - Canada

Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML

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By waterlogged - 22/9/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML

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Top comments

By celtics734 | 2

#1960033 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:16

if you are too stupid to close the damn blinds, then you have zero reason to complain

By fearfulsymmetry | 1

#1960063 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:22

OP, you're making this sound a lot more difficult than it has to be. Go change in another room that doesn't face the tree cutters. Preferably a bathroom. Put up curtains, blinds, shades, etc. You could hang a damn blanket in front of the window. This can be easily solved, I don't understand why your life is fucked. Also, why does your boyfriend have to complain for you? It's YOUR problem, YOU go complain. Does your boyfriend have to defend your honor or something?

Comments

By yellowdaisy92 | 0

#1960004 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:12

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

thelastavailable | 13

#1960058 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:22

You forgot to write the word "on" after "dump", right?

Reply

BellaGoBoom | 6

#1960136 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:45

Hahaha #12 I see what ya did thurr

Reply

MW2nBAKE | 0

#1960202 - Thursday 13 January 2011 1:09

you are a stupid bitch like she is, he probly pays the bills and she just sux his dick. stupid bitch can't find another place to change?...or perhaps at another time? women

Reply

ygdrassil | 17

#1960416 - Thursday 13 January 2011 3:02

I think it's time to call curtains on that relationship.

Reply

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#1960489 - Thursday 13 January 2011 3:20

Try an old custom that works wonders. Curtains. HERPADERP ydi

Reply

thatguy888 | 0

#1960652 - Thursday 13 January 2011 4:37

umm so what?

Reply

tigrouficele2012 | 44

#1960659 - Thursday 13 January 2011 4:38

Dear GOD, #57. *applauds*

Reply

milakitty21 | 0

#1961164 - Thursday 13 January 2011 8:56

ghb

Reply

the17doctor | 12

#4382032 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 15:59

the alternative is that she summons the courage to complain herself

By Kiyoha | 0

#1960006 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:12

Curtains?

Reply

Bishop181 | 0

#1960038 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:19

Yes, they saw past her curtains to see her beef curtains

By takeapieandrun | 9

#1960008 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:12

Lucky day for the those guys. :D

By teameminem | 2

#1960013 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:13

put the workers on their place!

By boatkicker | 4

#1960015 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:13

Never mind. I decided I didn't like the comment I had here, but I have nothing interesting to put in it's place.

babble babble.

Reply

enoughgrace | 4

#1960122 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:41

woot

Reply

Zmeilerr | 22

#1960139 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:45

Omg I love you Sirin

Reply

thirdtesticle | 0

#1960550 - Thursday 13 January 2011 3:43

cool story bro

Reply

mightymart | 5

#1961612 - Thursday 13 January 2011 10:29

wow cool story!!!!! why the hell do you post then?!

Reply

lolol_BKYCHO | 3

#1962487 - Thursday 13 January 2011 14:55

Awesome username lol

By IneffableLullaby | 13

#1960030 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:16

Invest in some curtains if you don't like Peeping Toms.

Reply

cbranflakes | 1

#1960213 - Thursday 13 January 2011 1:12

did you know that you are extremely cute?

Reply

devinkc | 2

#1961096 - Thursday 13 January 2011 8:24

agreed!

By celtics734 | 2

#1960033 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:16

if you are too stupid to close the damn blinds, then you have zero reason to complain

Reply

techqueen | 6

#1962257 - Thursday 13 January 2011 13:56

Exactly.

By tigrouficele2012 | 44

#1960040 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:19

Close the shades/blinds/curtains. Don't have any? Change in another room. Seriously, it's not that hard.

Reply

Xythenol | 6

#1960571 - Thursday 13 January 2011 3:56

It's ooobviooouuus to see...

OP enjoys dirty men staring at her.

By amerwin | 3

#1960043 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:19

They were just trying to decide if those tree-trunk thighs you are sporting needed some work.

Reply

stronghand0331 | 17

#1960257 - Thursday 13 January 2011 1:32

I think they were more worried about the wood that needed to be taken care of ;)

Reply

Mubus | 0

#1961088 - Thursday 13 January 2011 8:23

Win

Reply

izzybaby27 | 0

#1965490 - Friday 14 January 2011 10:15

hahahahah

By fearfulsymmetry | 1

#1960063 - Thursday 13 January 2011 0:22

OP, you're making this sound a lot more difficult than it has to be. Go change in another room that doesn't face the tree cutters. Preferably a bathroom. Put up curtains, blinds, shades, etc. You could hang a damn blanket in front of the window. This can be easily solved, I don't understand why your life is fucked. Also, why does your boyfriend have to complain for you? It's YOUR problem, YOU go complain. Does your boyfriend have to defend your honor or something?

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#1960216 - Thursday 13 January 2011 1:13

I agree completely with #13.

Reply

Carpy | 8

#1961739 - Thursday 13 January 2011 11:28

completely concur 13

Reply

metalwolf | 17

#1961742 - Thursday 13 January 2011 11:29

Shes not smart enough to go in the other room or use something to block the window. I could see her needing her boyfriend. FHisL