Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old... - FML

By Anonymous - 22/1/2015 18:27 - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

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Don't you know that you're toxic?

Gratitude walks

Ambien conversations are the worst

By anonymous - 2/7/2013 21:08 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shut in the walk-in freezer at work. I started banging on the door. My boss wouldn't come and open it because she didn't "play games". She thought I was kidding. FML

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By FawnPrincess - 17/11/2017 15:00

Today, my boyfriend bought my favorite doughnuts for our anniversary. After settling down and pouring a glass of wine, I grabbed a doughnut and quickly realized the filling inside wasn't jelly. He thought it would be funny to replace it with toothpaste. FML

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By ohEw - 9/11/2017 10:00 - United States - Pasadena

Today, while doing my laundry, I found a very clean but presumably used ribbed condom in my freshly washed and dried sheets. It was not mine. FML

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By Shamu - 14/2/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

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By BadStuden - 5/10/2009 01:47 - Canada

Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored so I gave it the title "F***ing Assignment for a F***ing Teacher." I went downstairs only to discover that the printer was out of ink. So I sent it to her email, then I realized that I didn't change the title. FML

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By henley - 23/7/2012 01:33

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

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By mattttbob - 4/2/2012 10:16 - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

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By ALO - 21/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Bossier City

Married life

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

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By ab - 9/10/2011 05:11 - Canada

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

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By nomorebeard - 25/3/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

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By helpme - 25/9/2015 13:46 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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By acapelladisaster - 13/3/2015 00:39 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, in my online class I accidentally unmuted my mic. Normally that would be fine except today I decided to serenade myself with a silly song. I didn't realize until everyone started clapping at the end of the song. FML

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By ratqueen - 25/11/2014 15:28 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I discovered that catching fewer mice in the traps I'd put out doesn't mean my pest problem is getting resolved. It means that rats have moved in. FML

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By InvAzn - 14/12/2017 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate with each other, starting with some foreplay. Before he fingered me, he put on a blue surgical glove, claiming that "down there is dirty and smelly" and he didn't want it on his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 02:02

Empathy Man

Today, I told my man I was feeling a lack of emotional closeness and dialogue in our relationship. I'd hoped for a comeback like, "So what do you need in order to change that?" Or even, "Aw, come here, let's cuddle!" Instead, I got a simple, "I don't." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 18:59 - United States

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

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By boardman - 25/5/2009 02:17 - United States

Creeped out

Today, I found out my parents joined the mile-high club. While I was on the plane. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 08:21 - United States - Montebello

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

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By Trew Love - 3/5/2016 06:25 - Canada - Fort Saint John

Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 19:00 - United States - Portland

Treat your pets properly!

Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML

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By mallyboo - 1/10/2016 14:38 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

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By yayibs - 4/12/2015 03:21 - United States - Williamstown

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:24 - United Kingdom

Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

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By fugachumi - 7/8/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, I discovered that every morning at around 3:00 my dad takes a monumental dump in my bathroom. When I confronted him about it he denied it. He still does it. FML

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By Ad-s - 14/1/2009 05:01 - France

Today, I got together with a small gathering of friends in a bar. I go up to the bar to order something, but with all the music and noise, the barman can't hear what I'm trying to say, so he leans forward, cocking his ear towards me. For some reason, I thought he was being friendly so I kissed him as if we were saying hello to each other. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2013 21:37 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2015 19:18 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2011 07:21 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML

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By fezhafeez - 23/2/2016 19:26 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, the girl I like asked me to take over her shift at the place we both work at. Being nice, I readily took over. Later, I found out she went on a date with my best friend. He knows I like her. FML

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By Gw - 28/10/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were going on our honeymoon. Our flight was delayed by two hours. It landed when our connecting flight to St. Lucia was taking off. The airline said they were holding the flight for us, so we sprinted from D gate to A, in time to watch the plane pull away. FML

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By crappy_day - 9/1/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, as I went to the bathroom in a port-a-potty at a park, I forgot to lock the door. A little girl opens the door and then slams it right away. As she walked away I heard her say "no, there's a man in there". I'm a woman. FML

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By Celewyn - 4/10/2016 11:11 - Australia

Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML

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By BlueSuit - 14/2/2016 19:20 - United States - New York

Today, my boss gave me some mentorship. She told me, "You need to learn to let people do things for you. Until then, I'm going to micromanage your project because I want it done my way." FML

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By TheVagabond_SRG - 2/8/2016 06:46 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I started my first day at a job. First thing my manager does is ask me if I knew the fastest way to kill someone there, then told me with a straight face all of what would occur when dumping a person's head into the deep fryer. Then the psycho assigned me to the fry station. FML

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By thatsmejl - 15/9/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

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By coolhand - 29/8/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I waited for my girlfriend to get in the shower before I stripped down to try and seduce her. I got ready, threw open the door and went in. I walked in on her taking a dump. FML

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By 1 Giant Cupcake - 7/3/2009 00:09 - United States

Today, I drove to Bank of America to deposit money. Upon returning to my car I saw some new scratches on the front. I kicked and rubbed it to try and get rid of it. Then I notice someone in the car staring at me in bewilderment. I'd parked 2 spaces away. We have the same car. FML

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By Massasam - 11/10/2011 20:53 - United States

Today, I was late for work. Trying to cut a few seconds off the clock, I tried to open my breakfast candy bar while taking a piss. I ended up pissing all over myself and dropping the bar in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2009 08:05 - Poland

Today, I was at the Polish border when I found my passport was gone. I contacted the last place I stayed at and the owner said he would handle it. I reluctantly agreed as I was being charged international rates. Apparently, "taking care of it" means telling the embassy I'm retarded. FML

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By ihatetheholidays - 23/12/2018 20:00

Today my boss informed us that there were no more single shifts we were all working doubles until further notice. Also there’s a way for us to “earn” a half day but we have to out sell everyone else in the office to get it. So being new I haven’t had time off in two weeks... FML

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Top comments

By karma_kicks_back | 16

#6181089 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

I love how the in-laws instantly assumed it was your fault... because some kid at school couldn't have said that word to him, it's obviously your fault...
Bitches be trippin' my friend.

By dman1997 | 5

#6181074 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:44

At least he has a plan.

COMMENTS

By dman1997 | 5

#6181074 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:44

At least he has a plan.

Reply

Ambrily | 27

#6181093 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

He still has clearer ideas than mine, about what to do…

Reply

MichaelDeSanta | 20

#6181110 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:55

That kids going places, not college...but somewhere

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6181298 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:01

#13, Who says he's not going to college? He can do both. The bills won't pay themselves, y'know.

Reply

earljonez | 22

#6181299 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:04

#13 I know a guy was a pimp while he was in college. His pimp name was Gator.....

Reply

Johnnycake23 | 42

#6181319 - Friday 23 January 2015 13:44

Gator needs his gat back you punk bitch!

Reply

fml_user_314 | 6

#6181744 - Friday 23 January 2015 22:13

omg guys its a joke don't take it so seriously

Reply

blazingshot147 | 19

#6183891 - Monday 26 January 2015 4:25

A plan that is 80% of graduating seniors don't even know...

By AGB10 | 19

#6181078 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:45

If he is serious you have a lot more to be worried about than just those glares OP

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6181139 - Friday 23 January 2015 6:23

If he's not serious, some local jeweler is going to be a lot less wealthy in the future.

By bearstyle22 | 11

#6181080 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:45

atleast he will have a cool hat

Reply

DontClickOnMe | 28

#6181088 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

And a cane! Can't forget about that pimp cane.

Reply

kerstileann | 26

#6181195 - Friday 23 January 2015 7:58

And a very strong backhand!

By Testing1234 | 25

#6181082 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:45

You should talk to your son about that and make sure that your in laws know that it was all a misunderstanding and hopefully they'll understand. Good luck with your son

Reply

vcapelo | 19

#6181330 - Friday 23 January 2015 14:12

I don't really think anyone in my country would take that seriously.
They would probably just laugh and move on.
He's ten and don't know what he's talking about!

By karma_kicks_back | 16

#6181089 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

I love how the in-laws instantly assumed it was your fault... because some kid at school couldn't have said that word to him, it's obviously your fault...
Bitches be trippin' my friend.

By juststephhere | 23

#6181091 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

So that's what he's learning at school!

Reply

enddmd | 27

#6181306 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:41

Thanks common core!

By graceface1031 | 7

#6181092 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

Once I screamed the word "hooker" when I was little while my neighbors were out on their deck. I'm sure they heard.

Reply

theawkwardlife | 21

#6181760 - Friday 23 January 2015 22:28

Wow what a compelling story! Than what happened?????

By LaColombianita | 26

#6181095 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:47

I wouldn't stress it. He probably has no idea what it means lol but then again, kids grow up so fast nowadays so he probably does.

Reply

pressingreset | 13

#6181305 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:39

he is ten. he knows what the word means.

By captainsmegma | 12

#6181099 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:48

Quick. Get that boy some bitches.

By vampy719 | 17

#6181104 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:50

Lmao I can't stop laughing you will find this funny in the end and tell ur in laws to take a joke smh

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6181341 - Friday 23 January 2015 14:27

Know what's not a joke? Punctuation.