Kids: Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

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Family values

Who's a good boy?

Delayed proposal

By airport - United States

Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shawnee

Today, my husband suggested we get divorced, "for tax purposes". FML

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By Aerogal - 30/11/2020 17:01

Uber sister

Today, I took my sister to the airport, after she asked me to a week ago. Five minutes into the ride, she told me she wasn’t going to the one 20 minutes away, but the one an hour away instead and gave me no gas money. FM

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By thisreallyhappened - United States

Today, a little girl at my work had an accident. She asked me to help her change, and as she was changing she stuck her hand in her vagina to make sure all the "peepee was gone". She then put that same hand on my face to balance herself as she finished changing. FML

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By dEpPrEsSeDgIrL - United States

Today, my dad decided to clean my 20 gallon fish tank. I had 6 fish. One of them was called a transparent fish, clear with a bright orange tail, which was my favorite. My dad didn't see it, and dumped the water out along with it. FML

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By engagedmaybe - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend asked me to marry him because he could get a tax cut from buying the ring. All of this happened in front of his mother. FML

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By ChangMu - United States - Des Moines

Today, I had to go buy diaper rash cream. For myself. FML

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By okaydisarray - United States - Dayton

Today, my husband's 70-year-old uncle came for a visit. Since we only have 2 bedrooms, we set him up in our daughter's room. Later, I glanced into the room and saw him masturbating in her bed. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm so out of shape, I started wheezing on my way to check my mailbox. Not my physical mailbox, either; my email inbox on the phone I'd left on the table at the bottom of the stairs. FML

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By Sudokori

Today, my coworker paid me back the $15 I let him borrow and we shook hands. Later, I was called into my boss's office, where he threatened to fire me for doing a drug deal in front of customers. The police are getting involved. FML

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By rainbows? more like shitstorms - United States

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

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By cduran2011 - United States

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Senegal

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

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By thanks, cunt-o - Australia - Blackburn

Today, my friends convinced me to go out clubbing with them for the first time. "You'll get some action", they said. The only action I got was some drunk bloke staggering into me and spraying me with vomit just minutes after arriving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

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By overexcited - United States

Today, I woke up in the hospital. I had apparently overworked my heart so much that I fainted. What caused it? I was playing a racing game on my Wii and freaked out when I won first place. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Pipersville

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

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By c-mack - United States

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid running over a dead cat in the road. Instead, I ran over its head. The crack of its skull was loud enough for me to hear it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML

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By friendless - United States - Spokane

#rude

Today, I invited my only friend to my birthday party and she said no, not because she couldn’t go, but because she didn’t want to. FML

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By Nick

Today, my girlfriend of almost 5 years (who broke up with me only a week or so ago) told me that she's been speaking to one of my best friends and sees a future with him instead of me. FML

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By Kebabjoon - Spain

Today, I had my first job interview for eight months. My interviewer noticeably yawned during my reply to the first question. FML

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By FMyThroat - Peru - Lima

Today, after battling for hours to get just a little sleep before my early morning work shift, I finally began drifting off. Then I got the worst attack of hiccups in my life. FML

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By Joey

Today, I stepped outside my house for the first time in a year, trying to socialize again. I broke my leg. FML

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By Saraaah - 19/12/2020 02:01

You never know

Today, I'm on a long car trip with a friend who makes fun of my pee breaks every 45 minutes. "Well, are you incontinent? You should wear diapers, otherwise we'll never reach our destination!" What she doesn't know : I have bladder issues, and even if I try not to use them, I do wear diapers. FML

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By Tey - United States

Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 02:03

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I came downstairs to find that our dog's six puppies, who have their own puppy-door to go outside whenever they want, had peed and pooped all over the floor, walked through the pee, and were now happily chewing on a half-rotten deer's head which they had dragged inside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dewitt

Today, my 4 year old son groped my breasts and said, "This is what daddy told me to do." FML

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By madamefuxalittle - United States - Stratford

Today, an elderly lady sat next to me on a bench, and started telling me out of the blue about how bad it is to have saggy boobs. I was uncomfortable enough at the unwanted info, without her then looking at my chest and adding, "But I expect you already know that, dear." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML

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By Salvation711 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML

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By stupidteacher - China - Guiyang

Today, I gave a presentation in class. I felt pretty good about it, until afterwards when I was told I lost points for communication because I'd been chewing gum. I wasn't, I just have a speech impediment. FML

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By Tasha84 - United States

Today, I got an electric razor and a lesson from my dad on how to shave my mustache and chin. I also got my period. FML

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By wallets - United States

Today, I told a customer that we don't do refunds. He responded by throwing his wallet at my face and accusing me of stealing it. FML

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By aninnocentonlooker - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

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By Adrian16 - Norway

Today, I was vacuuming our house because I wanted to help my parents. I wore a headset while listening to REALLY loud music. The vacuuming job took me two hours and when I took of my headset I noticed that I hadn't started the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Albany

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

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By badmom - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML

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Top comments

By karma_kicks_back | 16

#6181089 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

I love how the in-laws instantly assumed it was your fault... because some kid at school couldn't have said that word to him, it's obviously your fault...
Bitches be trippin' my friend.

By dman1997 | 5

#6181074 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:44

At least he has a plan.

COMMENTS

By dman1997 | 5

#6181074 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:44

At least he has a plan.

Reply

Ambrily | 27

#6181093 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

He still has clearer ideas than mine, about what to do…

Reply

MichaelDeSanta | 20

#6181110 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:55

That kids going places, not college...but somewhere

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6181298 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:01

#13, Who says he's not going to college? He can do both. The bills won't pay themselves, y'know.

Reply

earljonez | 22

#6181299 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:04

#13 I know a guy was a pimp while he was in college. His pimp name was Gator.....

Reply

Johnnycake23 | 42

#6181319 - Friday 23 January 2015 13:44

Gator needs his gat back you punk bitch!

Reply

fml_user_314 | 6

#6181744 - Friday 23 January 2015 22:13

omg guys its a joke don't take it so seriously

Reply

blazingshot147 | 19

#6183891 - Monday 26 January 2015 4:25

A plan that is 80% of graduating seniors don't even know...

By AGB10 | 19

#6181078 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:45

If he is serious you have a lot more to be worried about than just those glares OP

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6181139 - Friday 23 January 2015 6:23

If he's not serious, some local jeweler is going to be a lot less wealthy in the future.

By bearstyle22 | 11

#6181080 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:45

atleast he will have a cool hat

Reply

DontClickOnMe | 28

#6181088 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

And a cane! Can't forget about that pimp cane.

Reply

kerstileann | 26

#6181195 - Friday 23 January 2015 7:58

And a very strong backhand!

By Testing1234 | 25

#6181082 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:45

You should talk to your son about that and make sure that your in laws know that it was all a misunderstanding and hopefully they'll understand. Good luck with your son

Reply

vcapelo | 19

#6181330 - Friday 23 January 2015 14:12

I don't really think anyone in my country would take that seriously.
They would probably just laugh and move on.
He's ten and don't know what he's talking about!

By karma_kicks_back | 16

#6181089 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

I love how the in-laws instantly assumed it was your fault... because some kid at school couldn't have said that word to him, it's obviously your fault...
Bitches be trippin' my friend.

By juststephhere | 23

#6181091 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

So that's what he's learning at school!

Reply

enddmd | 27

#6181306 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:41

Thanks common core!

By graceface1031 | 7

#6181092 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

Once I screamed the word "hooker" when I was little while my neighbors were out on their deck. I'm sure they heard.

Reply

theawkwardlife | 21

#6181760 - Friday 23 January 2015 22:28

Wow what a compelling story! Than what happened?????

By LaColombianita | 26

#6181095 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:47

I wouldn't stress it. He probably has no idea what it means lol but then again, kids grow up so fast nowadays so he probably does.

Reply

pressingreset | 13

#6181305 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:39

he is ten. he knows what the word means.

By captainsmegma | 12

#6181099 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:48

Quick. Get that boy some bitches.

By vampy719 | 17

#6181104 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:50

Lmao I can't stop laughing you will find this funny in the end and tell ur in laws to take a joke smh

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6181341 - Friday 23 January 2015 14:27

Know what's not a joke? Punctuation.