Kids: Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

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Vulture

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Mother of the year

By douchegamer - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, after an argument with my pianist girlfriend about how bad my favourite song would sound on the piano, she stormed out of the room crying, leaving behind a CD. It was the piano version of the song she'd made for me. FML

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By Hufflepuff girl

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

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By manderpander21 - United States - Bronx

Today, my mom and I made the bad decision to go hiking for some mother-daughter bonding even though we had little experience. My mother tumbled down a mountain named Tumbledown and I couldn't even enjoy the irony because I had to half carry her all the way back to the car. FML

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By ac13 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how excited I was to drive 12 hours to see him and his new house. His girlfriend answered. FML

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By 092492 - United States

Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

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By FinanciallyF*ked

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

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By prick - United States - Dover

Today, as I rung up a customer's groceries, he gave me a pitying look and said I'd have a "real job" if I'd only studied harder. FML

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By Jen

Throw the book at him

Today, I got fired from my job at a library for hitting an old man with a book. In my defence, I had asked him about a massive water stain on a book he'd returned. He told me it was his cum, wanted to know if it excited me and then tried to touch my boobs. Dirty old pervert. FML

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By dieold - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party at my girlfriends house. When her little brother was about to blow out the candles I slipped my hand into her sisters back pocket and squeeze her ass, thinking it was my girlfriend. She freaked out and now her family thinks I'm a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sewell

Today, my mother-in-law insisted we go to a baby clothing store. When I reminded her that I don’t want children, she sat on the floor, crying, kicking and screaming. She then said I was denying her grandchildren because I hate her. Well, I didn’t... FML

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By Sovekipisse - France - Arthon-en-retz

Today, I went to a bar for some drinks. A guy looked me up and down, gave me a suggestive smile, then asked for my name and number. I'd have been a little less creeped out if he hadn't been standing beside me at the urinal the whole time. FML

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By Alexea Luton

The eye of the beholder

Today, my boyfriend compared me to an unattractive actress. When I said it was sort of messed up to say that to me since she's not pretty, he said, "She's not as bad as you." FML

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By imok - United States

Today, I was at the Salvation Army when I saw a wheelchair in the miscellaneous aisle. I thought it would be fun to ride around in it. As I was wheeling it back to where I found it, I made it back just as it's owner was hobbling out of the dressing room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I slipped and sprained my ankle while shopping for a present for my husband, who later came home and tripped over my elevated leg, hurting my ankle again. Now I have an excruciating sprain, and a spouse who's furious at me because "I shouldn't have tried to surprise him." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Staffanstorp

Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years old, with no wife or children. FML

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By Hunter cat

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 20:00

Great start to the day

Today, I went into my parents' room after spending pretty much all weekend in my their bed while they were out of town. I happened to look out the window, and on the windowsill was a puddle of cat vomit with a condom in it. FML

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By tellingthetruth - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, the subject of penis size came up while my boyfriend and I were chatting. He asked if he was big, and I replied that whatever size he was, he was enough to satisfy me. Apparently, that was the wrong answer, and he spent the rest of the night sulking because I didn't say he was enormous. FML

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By Deaf Dumb & Blonde - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I told my boyfriend I wanted to feel special even if for just one day. He said he would do the laundry for me. FML

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By W...T...F - United States

Today, I found the carcass of the frog that got into my house last week. It was a horrifying sight, but not nearly as horrifying as the fact that I found it in my refrigerator. No, I don't know how it got in there either. FML

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By Julian - 5/5/2021 02:01

Perfect

Today, according to my wife, our life together is perfect. The only problem is that I no longer turn her on, haven’t for a while, so she wants my permission to have meaningless one-night stands with strangers on Tinder while carrying on with our perfect, sexless married life together. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, I arrived at my parents house for dinner. When I got there, I noticed that they had gay pride flags hanging from the porch, and gay rights bumper stickers plastered to their cars. There was also a huge "We accept you, Nick" banner hanging from the garage. I'M NOT GAY! FML

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By elmoisdead2131 - 9/2/2021 14:01

Hey, well, happy birthday anyway

Today, my parents took me out to dinner. I thought they were taking me because it's my birthday. Turns out they are getting divorced. They forgot it was my birthday. FML

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By wow

Another fine mess

Today, I was walking my dog when he did his business. He then stepped all in it and coated his paws. As I was struggling with him, I slipped and landed butt-first into his steaming pile. My boyfriend nearly fainted from laughing. FML

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By nice one - United States - Athens

Today, I got home from a week-long vacation with my friend's family. When I got back home, I found the garage door had been completely demolished. My uncontrollably drunk dad blamed me. I don't even drive. FML

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By stressed - United States - Statham

Today, as a restaurant manager, I had a large party of difficult guests. They sat in their private room they'd reserved for three-and-a-half hours, then caused a huge scene when it was time to pay. One guy even ran at me like he was going to hit me. FML

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By assassinmaster

Today, I saw a kid taking a dump next to my lawn. The good news: his mother picked up the poop to discard it. The bad news: she put it in my mailbox. I now have a pile of smelly brownish tissue-wrapped goo baking under the hot sun inside my mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

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By names suck and so do I - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Statesboro

Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML

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By FlowerPower - United States

Today, I took a big sniff of a flower in my garden. I spent the rest of the morning blowing little bugs out of my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I'm sat at home alone on a Friday night, watching a documentary online about decomposing elephants. FML

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By noooo - United States

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 02:01

Stalker vibes

Today, my ex-girlfriend got some new piercings and decided to show me. They are the exact same piercings that the girl I'm currently seeing has. I'm starting to think she's still keeping tabs on me. FML

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By pam - France

Today, I said thanks to a man who got up for me in the bus. He angrily said "no, not you!". The old lady who sat down is now staring at me. FML

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By baby_trex_arms - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

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By thanksalot - United States

Today, my mum called and told me she had bought me a new, white dish washer for my apartment because it doesn't have one. I was SO excited and told her I'd pay her back as soon as I could. I only had to pay her $1.25. She bought me a sponge. FML

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By pooperscooper - Australia - Hunters Hill

Today, I had to wipe someone else's shit off the toilet seat for the third day in a row. We had a new staff member join our team three days ago. FML

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Top comments

By karma_kicks_back | 16

#6181089 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

I love how the in-laws instantly assumed it was your fault... because some kid at school couldn't have said that word to him, it's obviously your fault...
Bitches be trippin' my friend.

By dman1997 | 5

#6181074 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:44

At least he has a plan.

COMMENTS

By dman1997 | 5

#6181074 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:44

At least he has a plan.

Reply

Ambrily | 27

#6181093 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

He still has clearer ideas than mine, about what to do…

Reply

MichaelDeSanta | 20

#6181110 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:55

That kids going places, not college...but somewhere

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#6181298 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:01

#13, Who says he's not going to college? He can do both. The bills won't pay themselves, y'know.

Reply

earljonez | 22

#6181299 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:04

#13 I know a guy was a pimp while he was in college. His pimp name was Gator.....

Reply

Johnnycake23 | 42

#6181319 - Friday 23 January 2015 13:44

Gator needs his gat back you punk bitch!

Reply

fml_user_314 | 6

#6181744 - Friday 23 January 2015 22:13

omg guys its a joke don't take it so seriously

Reply

blazingshot147 | 19

#6183891 - Monday 26 January 2015 4:25

A plan that is 80% of graduating seniors don't even know...

By AGB10 | 19

#6181078 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:45

If he is serious you have a lot more to be worried about than just those glares OP

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6181139 - Friday 23 January 2015 6:23

If he's not serious, some local jeweler is going to be a lot less wealthy in the future.

By bearstyle22 | 11

#6181080 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:45

atleast he will have a cool hat

Reply

DontClickOnMe | 28

#6181088 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

And a cane! Can't forget about that pimp cane.

Reply

kerstileann | 26

#6181195 - Friday 23 January 2015 7:58

And a very strong backhand!

By Testing1234 | 25

#6181082 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:45

You should talk to your son about that and make sure that your in laws know that it was all a misunderstanding and hopefully they'll understand. Good luck with your son

Reply

vcapelo | 19

#6181330 - Friday 23 January 2015 14:12

I don't really think anyone in my country would take that seriously.
They would probably just laugh and move on.
He's ten and don't know what he's talking about!

By karma_kicks_back | 16

#6181089 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

I love how the in-laws instantly assumed it was your fault... because some kid at school couldn't have said that word to him, it's obviously your fault...
Bitches be trippin' my friend.

By juststephhere | 23

#6181091 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

So that's what he's learning at school!

Reply

enddmd | 27

#6181306 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:41

Thanks common core!

By graceface1031 | 7

#6181092 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:46

Once I screamed the word "hooker" when I was little while my neighbors were out on their deck. I'm sure they heard.

Reply

theawkwardlife | 21

#6181760 - Friday 23 January 2015 22:28

Wow what a compelling story! Than what happened?????

By LaColombianita | 26

#6181095 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:47

I wouldn't stress it. He probably has no idea what it means lol but then again, kids grow up so fast nowadays so he probably does.

Reply

pressingreset | 13

#6181305 - Friday 23 January 2015 12:39

he is ten. he knows what the word means.

By captainsmegma | 12

#6181099 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:48

Quick. Get that boy some bitches.

By vampy719 | 17

#6181104 - Friday 23 January 2015 5:50

Lmao I can't stop laughing you will find this funny in the end and tell ur in laws to take a joke smh

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6181341 - Friday 23 January 2015 14:27

Know what's not a joke? Punctuation.