Intimacy: Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 34

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 135

06/07/2013 21:21

Spicy

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 124

You deserved it 8 460

There's no helping some people

Sorry…

Such a rewarding career

16/01/2011 19:27

Today, I found out that my over protective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 329

You deserved it 4 637

16/10/2015 13:31

Today, I walked into the restroom at work to see my boss standing at the urinal, pissing like a toddler. He had his pants around his ankles, ass fully exposed. Now I'm never going to be able to take anything he says seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 253

You deserved it 1 801

01/04/2011 21:33

Spicy

Today, my wife decided that to help her stop smoking, she's also giving up the things that make her crave a cigarette. Sex is one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 003

You deserved it 6 653

Art

By Anonymous - 06/06/2019 02:01

Today, I was at my job as a fitting room attendant and I checked a woman and her young son in. After several minutes, they left, saying there was lipstick on the mirror. Not only was it all over two mirrors, but also on the wall, the floor and the carpet. The whole place smelled of lip-balm and I was left to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 654

You deserved it 125

None of your business

By Anonymous - 17/02/2021 17:01

Today, I told my mom my husband and I were considering having another baby. She said, "No!" about 30 times. Then later she texted me that she insists on no more kids. I guess I will never have that bonding moment with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 135

Irony failure

By alcoholic - 31/10/2009 14:30

Today, I was telling my teenage daughter about the effects from alcohol, and how she should not give in to peer pressure. While talking, I noticed that she was looking at me funny. There was a wine glass in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 805

You deserved it 51 554

01/04/2015 16:20

Today, my self-esteem issues got me jealous of Superman's hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 779

You deserved it 6 647

14/02/2013 20:23

Today, my girlfriend bought herself a brand new iPad and iPod Touch, and returned my aging iPod and Kindle, which she constantly steals for her own use. She considers it my Valentine's Day present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 811

You deserved it 3 813

11/03/2010 12:04

Today, I walk out of my apartment to find that my car is decorated with explicit drawings and "Happy 21st birthday" stuff written all over it. To top it off, my vehicle is completely wrapped in plastic wrap. I'm 22 and my birthday is in December. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 885

You deserved it 2 146

20/02/2011 18:44

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 048

You deserved it 109 419

22/05/2019 20:00

Today, I tried to dye my hair blonde. Turns out, green hair doesn't suit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 405

You deserved it 543

03/04/2011 17:39

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 610

You deserved it 33 408

31/10/2018 15:30

Today, I asked my girlfriend for a kiss, and in response, she suggested that we settle for a hand hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 098

You deserved it 361

Denial

By Anonymous - 01/12/2013 06:02

Today, during a job interview, I was offered a sandwich. I politely declined, explaining that I'm a coeliac and would probably get very sick. He said coeliac disease "isn't real" and that gluten-free eating is just a fad. I had to leave when he kept pushing me to accept it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 691

You deserved it 3 897

11/12/2011 01:03

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 328

You deserved it 4 133

19/06/2016 00:34

Today, I walked in on my sister and a few of my roommates planning a surprise party for a fellow roommate whose birthday is a week away. My birthday was yesterday. No one remembered. Not even my own sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 717

You deserved it 759

Played yourself

By nano123 - 17/04/2020 08:00

Spicy

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 512

05/02/2009 00:58

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 719

You deserved it 18 660

30/04/2009 00:14

Today, I was at my 3 year-old niece's birthday party. I was swinging on their swing set when she walked directly into my path. I tried to jump off the swing, but I could not stop myself in time. I ended up kicking her in the face and giving her a black eye. Happy birthday! FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 911

You deserved it 11 292

Germ warfare

By phantom-yamato - 01/05/2020 17:00

Today, I accidentally scanned a customer’s item twice. Before I could take it off, she quickly leaned over the counter and coughed on me. Repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 048

You deserved it 154

02/10/2018 05:00

Today, I found out you really can burn down a kitchen by boiling an egg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 396

You deserved it 807

26/03/2012 03:05

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 949

You deserved it 4 059

03/06/2010 15:45

Today, I had to sit and listen to the guy in the next cube brag to his wife about the promotion he just received. The promotion my boss told me last week that I was going to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 093

You deserved it 2 611

13/04/2011 07:05

Today, I got attacked by my own dog. I don't know what will be harder, telling everyone how my dog thought I was a robber or explaining to them why a 25 year old man owns a poodle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 266

You deserved it 16 465

02/05/2011 00:21

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 277

You deserved it 50 312

The taste test

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 07:59

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me when I went to give him a blowjob after he got home and his knob tasted different. It was the other woman’s fanny juice still on him because he hadn’t had a shower yet. So f…ing angry and grossed out right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 506

You deserved it 160

Entitled

By Bad friend - 19/12/2020 02:04

Today, after I'd mailed my friend her Christmas gifts since we can’t see each other, she called me ranting because the gift I sent her dog only cost $5. According to her, that means I must not really care as her dog is her “baby”. I bought gifts for all 5 of her kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 65

24/11/2016 08:10

Today, out of curiosity, I took an online test to see if I have ADHD. Halfway through, I got so distracted and bored that I gave up. Guess I know the answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 373

You deserved it 1 533

03/08/2014 18:49

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 517

You deserved it 49 854

This is terrible!

By Baddad - 24/11/2019 20:00

Today, as I stepped out the door and heard it lock behind me, I realized I had forgotten both my keys and my baby inside. There's no other way in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 975

You deserved it 1 053

15/06/2011 02:38

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 627

You deserved it 10 165

I'm here!

By handygirl - 31/01/2020 14:00

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 614

You deserved it 519

Fun fun fun

By Rachel - 27/10/2020 08:01

Today, I spent my entire day building various zoos in Zoo Tycoon, and then releasing all of the animals to see them chase people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 377

You deserved it 756

06/09/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend turned down my marriage proposal because the ring I gave her was bigger than the one her sister got at her proposal. Apparently she wouldn't be able to brag to her sister without "looking like a bitch for having a bigger ring". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 155

You deserved it 268

08/10/2016 16:29

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 735

You deserved it 8 161

28/01/2013 21:18

Today, I had to have major oral surgery. Needless to say I am in need of some heavy pain medication. My pharmacist insists that my surgeon never called in my medicine, and my surgeon insists otherwise. This has been going back and forth for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 185

You deserved it 2 146

11/10/2018 15:30

Today, I dropped some glass at my job while putting it on the shelf. A shard bounced off the floor and went up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 923

You deserved it 170

13/10/2013 21:20

Today, in revenge for me pulling the old salt-in-the-soda prank on him, my dad showed up at my college dressed in a tight blouse and miniskirt, demanding that I come home early with him. I think I'm going to be lynched next time I go to class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 012

You deserved it 13 746

19/08/2010 15:48

Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 074

You deserved it 3 642

26/11/2011 11:38

Today, the recycling bin caught fire. My little brother was "experimenting" with his magnifying glass, set an egg carton on fire and didn't realise you had to put it out before throwing it in the bin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 762

You deserved it 2 467

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Top comments

The_Water_Ninja 9

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:35

sounds charming...

datgamerchick 14

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:35

Sounds like we know what's cooking for dinner!

Comments

The_Water_Ninja 9

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:35

sounds charming...

hessel 13

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Sunday 7 July 2013 11:27

pfft watch how romantic it is when morgan freeman says it

then000bster 16

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Sunday 7 July 2013 11:31

@23, I can't imagine Morgan Freeman saying it in a sexy voice. It always comes out smooth like dinner talk, not dirty sexfood.

fieldhockeygal97 18

Sunday 7 July 2013 13:06

At least he didn't say: bite the pillow, I'm going in dry

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Sunday 7 July 2013 14:34

Why does OP assume he was trying to sound romantic?

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Monday 8 July 2013 18:27

Ya.... I believe a guy would try to make a joke there

Sunday 7 July 2013 10:35

Well, can't blame a guy for trying... He's just trying to combine a guys two FAVOURITE things, sex and food. Did it work? Naaah....

Blue_Black_fml 21

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Sunday 7 July 2013 11:06

I don't think the husband was trying to do that..

datgamerchick 14

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:35

Sounds like we know what's cooking for dinner!

nnnope 26

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Sunday 7 July 2013 12:17

your profile picture is perfect

twinkiefeets 17

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:36

Your husband is quite the romantic.

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:36

This is when you kindly remind him that you're having sex, not cooking :p.

13ky13 20

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:39

What an ass. Ba dum tiss.

VeganVampyre 26

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Sunday 7 July 2013 12:36

No.

klovemachine 24

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Sunday 7 July 2013 12:58

Yes

Tinkerbell133_fml 5

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Sunday 7 July 2013 16:18

maybe?

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Sunday 7 July 2013 18:03

Nah

asnakelovinbabe 16

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Sunday 7 July 2013 19:43

Perhaps.

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Monday 14 October 2013 6:48

Then again.....

Startled_Toenail 21

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Thursday 11 August 2016 12:27

I read "ba dum tiss" as "da bum tiss" :|

fuckyourlifeOP 25

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:40

What a shitty situation

Pwn17 25

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:45

Really?

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:53

Looks that way.

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:55

1st of all this doesn't apply to this situation. Secondly NEVER COMMENT THIS AGAIN OR WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN 3rd learn the Internet rules then come back to this site for an unofficial copy just read stuff on 4chan for a week

SuperDanielNL 23

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Sunday 7 July 2013 11:13

This is honestly the shittiest thread ever on FML. People using all caps and stuff.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 7 July 2013 11:52

Yeah, and don't forget about people jumping on the bandwagon too.

KickRocksNerd 11

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Sunday 7 July 2013 17:48

TrueTriage: You should calm your tits lol. It's was a pun.

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Monday 14 October 2013 6:49

Wait why is #14 so mad. Lol like calm down. Maybe you need some anal to calm you donw

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:45

Can anal be romantic then?!

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:51

I guess it depends on what you find romantic.

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Sunday 7 July 2013 12:43

I guess if you think having something hard shoved up your butt romantic, then it is. Personally, I don't think that sounds very romantic at all!

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Sunday 7 July 2013 13:52

Why can't it be? If it's done nice and gently, with lots of hugs and kisses... sounds fairly romantic to me.

twinkiefeets 17

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Sunday 7 July 2013 16:21

Why can't it be? If it's between two consenting adults you could make anything romantic.

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Sunday 7 July 2013 17:59

54 - Even scatting?

graceinsheepwear 33

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Sunday 7 July 2013 20:34

shoo-doo-shoo-bee-ooo-bee. See how romantic scatting can be?

AestheticGuy 21

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Tuesday 9 July 2013 4:48

Of course it can! @35 "Shy-ann" I dont think anyone cares what you think. If you can't handle that anal is simply another method of sexual intimacy and can of course be intensely romantic, then you have obviously not been in a sexual relationship. Its ok to be a virgin, but dont comment about a topic that you obviously have no experience in, ok sweetie :)

SuperDanielNL 23

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:46

Well that's really suave and smooth talking...

Miss_Klutzie 28

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Sunday 7 July 2013 10:54

Aaaaaaaand there went the mood ._. Lol