Today, my husband's dick went in the wrong hole. And by the wrong... - FML

By wtfbabe

Today, my husband's dick went in the wrong hole. And by the wrong hole, I mean another man’s anus. FML

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Everyone's an expert

Age ain't nothing but a number

Not now, mom!

By nerdygirl101 - United States

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

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By lamed - United States

Today, I stopped by the gun store to pick up a new concealed weapon for protection. As I was leaving the store, a man came up behind me, hit me with a crowbar, and stole my gun. FML

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By - 16/1/2020 18:00

I am clumsy!

Today my girlfriend was on top during sex. I went to slap her butt, missed and nailed myself in the balls. We had to stop. She wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By pizzachest - Canada

Today, I discovered that I won't be able to wear the dress with a low neck line that I bought for my cousin's wedding, because my older brother thought it would be funny to mix a scented body-wash that he knows makes my skin break out in hives, with my regular one. My chest looks like a pizza. FML

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By charliebravo77 - United States

Today, I drove into the parking lot at work, and discovered too late that there were patches of ice everywhere. As I turned to enter my usual spot, I lost control of the vehicle, and despite my pleas, praying, and profanity, it glided straight into my boss' car. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

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By 97 - United States

Today, I was so broke and hungry that I went to Olive Garden and faked being stood up, just so I could eat their breadsticks. FML

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By Ilikeurfmls - 6/9/2020 05:05

Delusions

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents I think I'm suffering from schizophrenia. They refused to discuss it after telling me, "It's all in my head." FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Today, I made the egregious mistake of going on RateMyTeachers. My students think that, while I'm a good teacher, I have constant "wardrobe malfunctions" and spill my "bloody ass tampons all over the place like a bitch". I teach 6th graders. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ventura

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

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By scammerssuck - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend received a scam email about her great uncle dying and leaving her money. She not only believed it, but she also used my credit card details for it. FML

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By Mick_The_Disappointment

Today, my mother once again called me to remind me what a disappointment I am despite having two degrees, a house, a professional job and having never been unemployed at 25. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

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By hitmutefirst - United States

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I caught my mother-in-law trying to plant a GPS tracker on my car. FML

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By Mintspice

Today, a girl I've liked for months agreed to go to a movie. We were going to see Captain Marvel, but missed the show time, so we saw Five Feet Apart. Blessing in disguise, right? Wrong. She cried while holding my hand as she talked about how in love she is with another girl. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad's psycho ex broke in and had a meltdown about how he's dating another woman now. She's barely 100 pounds, yet it took me and my brother several minutes and one smashed shin to finally manage to drag her out of the house, all while my dad called the cops. FML

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By romance sucks. - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

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By AK-47 - United States - Farmington

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet in a public restroom. That would have been bad enough, without the guy in the next stall saying, "Jesus! What the hell did you eat?!" FML

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By fionna_fiamma - Slovenia - Maribor

Today, my boyfriend came to my house for the first time. Today was also the day my body decided to throw up violently for four hours while he awkwardly sat beside me, waiting for his ride home. FML

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By zombie mommy - 27/6/2020 17:02

Demonic attack!

Today, my 10-month-old kept me up all night after a gruelling day. I finally fell asleep with her at about 2 a.m., and I woke up half an hour later to her hands on my throat, and her biting my nose. Startled, I took a big breath through my nose and snorted an ungodly amount of slobber. I’m awake now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Asheboro

Today, I received an email from my professor asking me not to jump ahead on assignments as it makes the other students look bad. FML

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By jlol - United States

Today, my teacher reached over to hand me a paper. I thought it would be funny to flinch and say, "Dad, please don't hit me". Unfortunately, he didn't think it was a joke, so I got questioned by the on-campus officer. FML

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By thatsucks

Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML

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By sad_dad - Canada

Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

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By Nofriends - Australia - Melbourne

Today, for my birthday, my family offered to take one of my friends to the movies with me. I had to pay a random person in my class to pose as a friend of mine, so that I wouldn't look pathetic in front of my parents. She forgot my name three times. They didn't buy it. FML

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By O_O - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

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By mmmretail - Australia - Bairnsdale

Today, I had a customer tell me how much she regretted not aborting her expected child, how much she hates the father, and described to me in immense detail what it is like to pee while pregnant. All within the 30 seconds it took me to serve her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

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By stickygoober - United States - Peoria

Today, my boss sent a message to a coworker saying, "We're putting all of you back on the phones because one of you can't stop watching Netflix so corporate thinks you guys don't do anything." That person was me. Everyone's pissed at me now. FML

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By IPicasso

Today, my brother sent me over a dozen screenshots from his phone, because he couldn't work out why it wasn't capturing all the paint he'd managed to smear on the screen. FML

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By korbo7 - United States - Grand Island

Today, I saw a man help an elderly lady with her tray at the local McDonald's. I wanted to do something nice for him, so I added a couple extra nuggets in his meal. He later came up to me and told me I was dumb and didn't know how to count, and that was why I was working at McDonald's. FML

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By yikesss

Today my boyfriend told me that dirty talk with me was like potty training a puppy. FML

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By PissingMeOff - 16/10/2020 13:55 - United Kingdom - Durham

Firehose

Today, I found out that my boyfriend pees in the shower. This would've been OK if he was peeing into the drain. Instead, he pees on the shampoo and soap bottles. FML

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By lance - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by a cop and was fined $210 for making an illegal u-turn. When the cop finished writing my ticket and hopped in his car, he made the same u-turn. FML

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By Tyler - United States

Today, I got a lovely little surprise after I got out of the shower. That lovely little surprise? I got stung in the scrotum by a hornet that had decided to nestle itself inside the towel I was drying off with. FML

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By choup - Australia

Today, I went to have a drink with my friend. On the way I withdrew 20 bucks and when I arrived at the bar I realised I had taken my credit card but not the banknote. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Crawfordville

Today, I was intently watching my odometer to see it change from 99,999 to 100,000 when I ran into the back of another vehicle. FML

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By BadKneeBackAndSinuses

Today, I found out I have to have an operation. This will be the third in 3 years, all for completely unrelated reasons. I'm only 26 and apparently my body is already falling apart at the seams. FML

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Top comments

By Allie614032 | 34

#7651572 - Friday 22 June 2018 5:10

Well, I'd say it's time to talk about some things. Either your husband is gay and hasn't accepted it or has been forced to hide it, or he's bisexual. Either way, he cheated on you. Whether you work it out or not, I hope you can get some answers. FYL.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7651571 - Friday 22 June 2018 5:06

Better his anus than Uranus!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7651571 - Friday 22 June 2018 5:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

BrotherPhil | 32

#7652098 - Saturday 23 June 2018 9:15

You never know: OP might enjoy that.

By Allie614032 | 34

#7651572 - Friday 22 June 2018 5:10

Well, I'd say it's time to talk about some things. Either your husband is gay and hasn't accepted it or has been forced to hide it, or he's bisexual. Either way, he cheated on you. Whether you work it out or not, I hope you can get some answers. FYL.

Reply

cocacola999 | 27

#7651646 - Friday 22 June 2018 10:06

OP is male. I'm pretty sure they're both aware that he's gay/bisexual and have accepted it.

Reply

BlueSteele220 | 30

#7651867 - Friday 22 June 2018 18:15

of course he is gay.. OP is a dude.

Reply

Allie614032 | 34

#7652006 - Saturday 23 June 2018 0:11

Oops! Didn't see that. The cheating still applies though.

By joeyl1990 | 28

#7651573 - Friday 22 June 2018 5:19

I'm assuming he thought that was the correct hole.

By TheUnforgiven | 8

#7651574 - Friday 22 June 2018 5:26

Well that's a shitty situation. Sorry he was such an ass. Ok no more puns. Cheating is cheating OP, hope everything works out for the best. Sorry!

By GMSP | 18

#7651576 - Friday 22 June 2018 5:50

Well, at least he wasn't lying when he said you're the only woman in his life...

Reply

thelittlem | 15

#7651594 - Friday 22 June 2018 7:28

these comments are great! xD

By Zekfen | 17

#7651580 - Friday 22 June 2018 6:12

I’m pretty sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation. I’m sure all that happened is they both happen to be naked together for no discernible reason, when the other slipped, fell and landed on your husband’s dick.

It could happen...

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7651581 - Friday 22 June 2018 6:12

Ah well, it happens to the best of us.

By cornyrob | 33

#7651591 - Friday 22 June 2018 7:14

See what happens if you don't do anal with him?

By thelittlem | 15

#7651595 - Friday 22 June 2018 7:29

Bummer.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7651597 - Friday 22 June 2018 7:54

thats a sign you should talk more