Love: Today, my husband fell asleep for two hours at a dinner party....

By wideawake - 19/07/2010 08:34 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband fell asleep for two hours at a dinner party. We were the hosts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 215

You deserved it 5 524

Love

Sorry…

Leave us alone

Another great day to be alive

By Chris Altenbach - 23/02/2010 20:55 - United States

Today, I got off from work and noticed that the weather finally warmed up after the recent snowstorm. I hopped into my car and rolled down the windows. When I opened the sun roof, a foot of snow came falling into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 411

You deserved it 45 824

By Noname - 11/03/2009 20:29 - United States

Today, I walked behind a girl I hooked up with last weekend while she was on the computer in the library. I noticed she was looking at my facebook page and got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, "This is the one smallest penis I have ever seen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 799

You deserved it 9 552

By Bontempi - 19/07/2012 18:55 - France

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 605

You deserved it 42 567

Morning motivation

By thermos - 03/02/2009 23:47 - United States

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 144

You deserved it 53 199

By Anonymous - 06/02/2016 06:28 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 530

You deserved it 1 925

By pisspantsjob - 31/07/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, at work, I fell asleep. This is how I discovered that when I'm sleeping, and am scared awake by my boss with an air horn, I yelp louder than a terrier and piss my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 727

You deserved it 49 222

By Anonymous - 28/07/2012 22:15 - United Kingdom - Warwick

Today, my grandpa told my mom that he needs to rewrite his will soon. I jokingly said that I was going to be stinking rich when he passes away. He retorted that he's never forgiven me for rear-ending his car six years ago, and because of this, I'll never see a penny of his money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 219

You deserved it 33 968

By SoCalStoopid - 09/09/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, to save money, I bought some meat in bulk. When I got home, I was told that power to the neighborhood was out, and probably would be for days. Rather than let the meat rot, I barbecued it all and gave it away to my neighbors. The power came on while everyone was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 862

You deserved it 4 440

Amazon addict

By Anonymous - 30/09/2019 04:00

Today, I found out my husband spent us into overdraft charges through compulsive online shopping. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 176

By Loner - 19/09/2017 19:30 - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 865

You deserved it 464

By Anonymous - 09/03/2013 17:42 - Pakistan

Today, I'm 5 months pregnant. My 20-year-old boyfriend still refuses to tell his parents because he thinks he'll get in trouble. He thinks we can get away with "never telling them and just hiding the kid." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 659

You deserved it 10 089

By justfat - 12/03/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 676

You deserved it 15 582

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 646

You deserved it 30 832

By Lukev7 - 12/09/2009 13:14 - Australia

Today, was my first day at Military School. When our commander walked into the sleeping quarters, instructing us all to get up and stand at the foot of our beds. I had morning wood. To which the commander wasted no time in adressing in front of the rest of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 898

You deserved it 5 567

What's the point?

By Emily - 07/06/2020 20:08

Today, whilst doing training as a mental health nurse, our glorified pineapple of a lecturer told us that trying to stop patients wanting to commit suicide isn't a possibility. So, what the hell are we training for? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 145

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 12:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 479

You deserved it 3 815

Merry Christmas, or not

By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 05:02

Today, I got a quick COVID test and got a positive result. Christmas is in 3 days, my son and husband have to stay with my mom and Christmas is my favorite holiday. I've never been away from them this long and it is killing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 1 355

By whoawhat - 11/11/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 475

You deserved it 4 006

By gmanbuilder - 08/02/2017 16:00 - United States - Louisville

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 768

You deserved it 1 774

By Anonymous - 06/10/2010 23:19 - Brazil

Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 003

You deserved it 27 903

By spaceavery - 24/09/2016 04:53 - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 117

You deserved it 1 554

By Anonymous - 01/04/2013 16:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was babysitting, and after the kids fell asleep I started hiding the Easter candy. They woke up when I was half-done, and it didn't take them long to figure out what was going on. They won't stop crying, and every time I go near them, they scream "LIAR!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 806

You deserved it 7 997

By Helseac - 17/12/2018 03:00

Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 650

You deserved it 422

By Anonymous - 13/04/2013 22:53 - United States

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 288

You deserved it 7 878

By Robert - 27/12/2017 15:00

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 827

You deserved it 1 317

By Oh hello there - 17/06/2018 01:30

Today, I accidentally left my Nintendo 3DS at the barbershop, so I rushed back to get it. The 60-year-old barber had destroyed it with a hammer, saying it was a weapon of the devil. I was gone 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 034

You deserved it 591

By ash - 04/01/2011 21:09 - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 807

You deserved it 14 761

Not so Magic Kingdom

By Disney dashed - 23/09/2019 00:01

Today, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on a family trip to Disneyland. Less than two hours in the park, my kids have been scared shitless by every single character, they don’t want to ride any rides, my husband is drunk and the mouse ears headband gave me a vomit-inducing migraine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 769

You deserved it 275

Zing!

By Anonymous - 30/09/2019 02:00

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 852

You deserved it 198

By Anonymous - 02/07/2016 19:29 - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 067

You deserved it 1 594

By Anonymous - 03/06/2014 08:56 - United Kingdom - Dunmow

Today, despite years of paranoid checking, I forgot to check my towel for spiders after my shower. Two crawled onto me, and I'm pretty sure there's one somewhere in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 117

You deserved it 5 506

By Anonymous - 17/02/2015 19:17 - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 305

You deserved it 4 072

By AE86Turbo - 03/05/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 723

You deserved it 28 472

By Tick - 20/08/2018 22:35

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 576

You deserved it 213

By Elephant1718 - 12/06/2013 01:16 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 801

You deserved it 3 034

By Konstantine - 05/10/2009 13:55 - New Zealand

Today, I saw photos of my boyfriend at his 25th birthday party. The one he told me was cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 457

You deserved it 3 531

By awkwardgayboi - 11/03/2009 18:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 839

You deserved it 92 407

By anon - 13/01/2016 02:41 - United States

Today, I was eating at a diner one of my friends from work recommended to me. I ordered a chicken salad sandwich, which was pretty good despite the used bandaid in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 769

You deserved it 1 341

By GuardOtto - 22/07/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I saw someone in the wave-pool who appeared to be drowning. So, I jumped in to attempt to save him. Turns out he wasn't drowning, he only had one arm. He yelled at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 039

You deserved it 4 806

That's nice

By Anonymous - 04/06/2021 18:01 - United States - Angier

Today, I told my boyfriend of 3 years that I wanted to marry him someday. His response was, "Oh, OK, thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 143

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xoKylie 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 17:41

It's your own fault if you let him sleep for so long and then bitch about it.

eviiee_fml 3

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:06

must of been some boring party

bigceec18 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:02

Not that bad, but FYL

landonlasater 3

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:05

I would of beat him

karina_said 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:08

doesnt sound like a parrty to me

swimmerstud 7

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:09

it's not his fault. it's ur fault for not keeping him awake.

OhWowFYLindeed 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:20

And nobody wanted to wake him up? Wow.

chimpsndip 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:27

This FML is stupid. *snore*

iToone01 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:32

Yeah I think I fell asleep reading this FML

cantfightfate 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:40

you must be prettyyyy boring

lovesamystery 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:45

it's not his fault u were boring...

dancingxthexmoon 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:59

35- what do ya mean?

nabo4u 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 17:12

he was probably on codeine. you should check him into rehab. either that or you guys are hella lame

kEnNy172 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 17:42

ydi for being a mutant pineapple

blue_eyes4602 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 17:45

Maybe the party was super boring. Why wouldn't you just wake him up though.

Kyto7884 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 17:45

You didn't wake him up...? YDI

robertdr 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 17:58

comment moderated there did it myself, anyone notice that fmls get deleted or am i going crazy

syddyb 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 17:58

OP, YDI for not waking him up. Case closed. :D

the_flirtt 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 18:06

ya that's all the op had to do.

twinny_sc 13

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Monday 19 July 2010 18:38

Maybe you throw a really boring party, OP.

StopTheFuckinCar_fml 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 19:44

wake his ass up then

ryguy997 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 20:24

well op you're a dumbass.

msyelowbubblegum 0

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Tuesday 20 July 2010 1:08

mayybe he was just rlly tired and didnt wana even throw that lame party but you forced it on him.. YDI :P

StopB1tchingYDI 0

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Tuesday 20 July 2010 6:52

omg ur life is so fuked up bcuz of this

chimpsndip 0

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Tuesday 20 July 2010 7:28

This FML is stupid. *snore*

_TONGAN_ 5

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Wednesday 21 July 2010 14:00

I bet when they all left he jumped up and said "hallelujah I thought they'd never go home"

jackal181 7

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Tuesday 12 June 2012 9:57

People get tired, it happens

doink 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:04

Woe is you.

heyitsbrittany 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 18:41

maybe he was just tired? give him a break!

yagurlteeteexoxo 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:04

boringggggggggggg

nibawan 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:05

men can fall asleep anywhere anytime. get over it

im_ossim 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 23:43

that's not tr--*snore*

DiscountDJ25 0

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Tuesday 20 July 2010 7:21

Better get him out of the wa-- *snore*

derrek730 2

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:06

FAIL

eviiee_fml 3

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:06

must of been some boring party

youwishyouwereha 0

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:06

how do you fall asleep at your own party? was it really that boring?

justsayfuck 5

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:07

Must have been one hell of a boring party.

ArtIsResistance7 1

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:09

Somebody has spiked the tea!

ohthebloodygore 16

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Monday 19 July 2010 16:09

Maybe he was tired or it was that boring.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 47

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 38

Morning motivation

Amazon addict

What's the point?

Merry Christmas, or not

Not so Magic Kingdom

Zing!

That's nice

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