Love: Today, my husband fell asleep for two hours at a dinner party....

By wideawake - United Kingdom

Today, my husband fell asleep for two hours at a dinner party. We were the hosts. FML

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Love

Family values

Night terrors

Noise

By cjbutterfly96 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy for the second time, and he was helping me buy a Christmas present for my dad. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, he was gone. He left me alone and took my dad's present with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By Anonymous user

Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML

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1963

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By Dom - South Africa - Kwa-zulu

Today, my apartment has been echoing all day with the wails of my cat, Butters. He's yet again managed to trap himself in the umbrella stand. In the past, he has eventually gotten himself out, but this time I think I might have to use a hacksaw. FML

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22087

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my sister has been "borrowing" my adult toys and putting them back without washing them well enough. How did I find out? I came back positive for an STI. FML

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By Paco4242 - United States

Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML

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By B-377 - United States - Sarver

Today, I was walking around my block when a random stranger pulled up next to me. He assumed I was a woman, and started catcalling me. I'm a 34-year-old man with a wife and kids, and my hair isn't even long. FML

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By Mandy - Canada

Today, my family came to see me in my first acting role in Romeo and Juliet. It all went reasonably well for the first half hour or so, after which my seemingly shitfaced aunt started heckling and saying "that's what she said" after every line, before eventually being thrown out by security. FML

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By gringa_Peru - Peru

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML

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By Failoffel - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

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34586

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By TJ - India

Today, my friend whacked me on the family jewels while I was washing my hands in the college bathroom. While I lay writhing in pain on the floor, a guy at the urinal turned around towards me to see what was wrong. He was still peeing. FML

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38135

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By Broke Mama - United States

Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML

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27632

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep on the way to a pool party and woke up covered in sharpie swastikas and dicks. FML

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3297

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By Alexandra - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my fiancé completely missed the birth of our first child because he had started watching a new series on Netflix and really wanted to know how it ended. By the time he made it to the hospital our daughter was already 7 hours old. FML

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12646

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By Daddy Tyrone

Today, my wife bought a bright pink dildo and left in the lounge whilst she went upstairs to get changed. We didn't expect the in-laws to arrive with my niece and nephews, who were hitting each other with the - as described by my 5-year-old nephew - "big pink sword". FML

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3060

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By BatWife - United States - New London

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantel. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

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4811

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By FianceFlaw?

Today, I went to the courthouse to apply for my marriage license and had my mother tag along with me. When I asked one of five security guards where to go, my mom looked at him and said,"You’re suppose to talk her out of it." Thanks, Mom. FML

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By tabbycacti - Australia

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

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23854

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw a party at my girlfriend's house before her parents came home from vacation. After the party, I found all of her mom's favorite wine glasses broken. I spent $500 on new glasses, and wrote a huge apology for the party and the damage. She got home and told me that they were already broken. FML

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16029

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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By ironic driver - United States

Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML

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35477

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By Anonymous

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, my parents went to the Cayman Islands, leaving me at home in freezing Iowa. Also, even though I never get into trouble, they don't trust me enough to be home on my own. So they hired a babysitter to stay with me until they get back. I'm 17. FML

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By ineedaraise - Canada - London

Today, after nearly two months of working at my new job, one of my co-workers finally explained to me that the list of tasks that our boss gives me every day are actually HER duties, and as I complete them, she just sits in her office and watches Netflix. FML

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29595

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By wellokthen - United States - Birmingham

Bed move

Today, my friend sent me a link to a porn video. The guy in it was my boyfriend, the girl in it wasn't me, but they were in my bed. FML

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By philderichmond - United States

Today, I met a cute girl at a dance club. I entered her number in my phone just before she left the club. With a proud smile, I turned the screen towards my buddy, showing off my accomplishment. Attempting to give me a friendly pat he accidentally closed my phone. I hadn't saved the number. FML

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By ellie - United States

Today, I was walking on the boardwalk with my mom when an old man came up and asked me to marry him. He promised he would buy me a Mercedes if I did. The man was homeless and delusional. My mom told me I should take the offer because it would be the best offer I could get. FML

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35584

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By DaveAlmighty - United States

Today, I caught some perverts sitting in a car in front of my house, spying on my neighbors. When they refused to leave, I grabbed a baseball bat and they sped off in a hurry. Later, those same perverts came back to arrest my neighbors for drug trafficking. I had threatened cops. FML

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54096

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By udnrizh - United States

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

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29330

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with a man I met on Halloween. It appears that his mullet wasn't actually part of his costume. FML

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24626

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By chelserusera - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

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64246

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By yermom - United States

Today, I was entertaining people during an extra curricular school function in order to help "brighten people's spirits in their time of need". After it was all over, I found out that my phone had been stolen. FML

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23631

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By Cat - 2/12/2020 08:06

Always call first

Today, I went to visit my aunt who lives 6 hours away from me. Her car was missing from her driveway, but she's unemployed and barely leaves the house. Turns out, she moved in with her new boyfriend and didn't tell anyone, so I had to drive 6 hours back. FML

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660

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By Lil_bit - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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7712

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By desertboi69 - United States - Ridgecrest

Today, I was preparing my raw meat with tire grease. Literally. My girlfriend replaced my teriyaki sauce with tire grease, because, she later told me, she had sex with my best friend. FML

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2397

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By forever damaged - United States - Wallkill

Today, while I was working at a gas station, a man came up to the register with his zipper undone and his penis hanging out in full view. I had to awkwardly hand him his change while trying not to look or make eye contact. FML

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21612

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By puking now - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my sister brought a guy home while our parents were out. They had sex in her bedroom. I heard everything. The worst part wasn't her stupidly excessive moaning; it was that the moans sounded eerily similar to a cow mooing. FML

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55774

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By imawesomeokay - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I went to watch a movie. In the middle of it, I accidentally fell asleep. Minutes later, I awoke on a stranger's shoulder. He was caressing my hair. FML

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Top comments

By xoKylie | 0

#1110362 - Monday 19 July 2010 17:41

It's your own fault if you let him sleep for so long and then bitch about it.

By eviiee_fml | 3

#1109972 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:06

must of been some boring party

COMMENTS

By bigceec18 | 0

#1109937 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:02

Not that bad, but FYL

landonlasater | 3

#1109962 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:05

I would of beat him

karina_said | 0

#1109989 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:08

doesnt sound like a parrty to me

swimmerstud | 7

#1109992 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:09

it's not his fault. it's ur fault for not keeping him awake.

OhWowFYLindeed | 0

#1110051 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:20

And nobody wanted to wake him up? Wow.

chimpsndip | 0

#1110090 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:27

This FML is stupid. *snore*

iToone01 | 0

#1110104 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:32

Yeah I think I fell asleep reading this FML

cantfightfate | 0

#1110144 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:40

you must be prettyyyy boring

lovesamystery | 0

#1110161 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:45

it's not his fault u were boring...

dancingxthexmoon | 0

#1110207 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:59

35- what do ya mean?

nabo4u | 0

#1110248 - Monday 19 July 2010 17:12

he was probably on codeine. you should check him into rehab. either that or you guys are hella lame

kEnNy172 | 0

#1110368 - Monday 19 July 2010 17:42

ydi for being a mutant pineapple

blue_eyes4602 | 0

#1110372 - Monday 19 July 2010 17:45

Maybe the party was super boring. Why wouldn't you just wake him up though.

Kyto7884 | 0

#1110375 - Monday 19 July 2010 17:45

You didn't wake him up...? YDI

robertdr | 0

#1110414 - Monday 19 July 2010 17:58

comment moderated there did it myself, anyone notice that fmls get deleted or am i going crazy

syddyb | 0

#1110417 - Monday 19 July 2010 17:58

OP, YDI for not waking him up.
Case closed.
:D

the_flirtt | 0

#1110433 - Monday 19 July 2010 18:06

ya that's all the op had to do.

twinny_sc | 13

#1110521 - Monday 19 July 2010 18:38

Maybe you throw a really boring party, OP.

StopTheFuckinCar_fml | 0

#1110745 - Monday 19 July 2010 19:44

wake his ass up then

ryguy997 | 0

#1110815 - Monday 19 July 2010 20:24

well op you're a dumbass.

msyelowbubblegum | 0

#1111620 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 1:08

mayybe he was just rlly tired and didnt wana even throw that lame party but you forced it on him.. YDI :P

StopB1tchingYDI | 0

#1112405 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 6:52

omg ur life is so fuked up bcuz of this

chimpsndip | 0

#1112484 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 7:28

This FML is stupid. *snore*

_TONGAN_ | 5

#1119264 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 14:00

I bet when they all left he jumped up and said "hallelujah I thought they'd never go home"

jackal181 | 7

#4556861 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 9:57

People get tired, it happens

By doink | 0

#1109957 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:04

Woe is you.

heyitsbrittany | 0

#1110524 - Monday 19 July 2010 18:41

maybe he was just tired? give him a break!

By yagurlteeteexoxo | 0

#1109959 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:04

boringggggggggggg

By nibawan | 0

#1109965 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:05

men can fall asleep anywhere anytime. get over it

im_ossim | 0

#1111359 - Monday 19 July 2010 23:43

that's not tr--*snore*

DiscountDJ25 | 0

#1112469 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 7:21

Better get him out of the wa-- *snore*

By derrek730 | 2

#1109969 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:06

FAIL

By eviiee_fml | 3

#1109972 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:06

must of been some boring party

By youwishyouwereha | 0

#1109976 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:06

how do you fall asleep at your own party? was it really that boring?

By justsayfuck | 5

#1109982 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:07

Must have been one hell of a boring party.

By ArtIsResistance7 | 1

#1109994 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:09

Somebody has spiked the tea!

By ohthebloodygore | 16

#1109999 - Monday 19 July 2010 16:09

Maybe he was tired or it was that boring.