Kids: Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old...

By naughtyshirt - Australia

Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old daughter and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read "My mom's easy i'm living proof." Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML

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Kids

Workaholic

This is fine

Jonah begs to differ

By Lonely - United States

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I listened as my ridiculously wealthy friend excitedly rambled on and on about her latest shopping trip. This is the same friend who owes me £150, and accused me of being insensitive for asking her to repay it at some point. FML

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32484

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By Tristansefam1367 - United States

Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 20:04

Caught red-handed

Today, my girlfriend and I got busted by the cops having sex in a dark parking lot near the beach. As if that wasn't bad enough, as I was trying to talk my way out of a ticket, one of the cops peeks into the car window and I hear my girlfriend awkwardly giggle and say, "Hi daddy." FML

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By BlackRavenWings - United States

Today, I noticed a picture in an elderly patients room, of a pretty girl in a bikini. Trying to be funny and lighten the mood, I said, "Looks like you have some good eye candy to help you recover faster." With a stern look he replied, "That's my granddaughter." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was participating in an exercise in my psychology class to describe this horrible looking person I had never seen before and I described the person as a "rebellious, drug dealing, lowlife". The person in that picture turned out to be my teacher. FML

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By Teiu88 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my friend explained to me that the toilet paper in his bathroom is "just for show." Now I know why his hamper smells like shit. FML

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1696

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By EricCartman - United States

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

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By hazeblaze

Today, I noticed that my dad's Whatsapp profile picture was a very close up shot of his new wife's boob. None of us know how long he had this online. FML

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By SmokeWeedErdayAllDay - 18/4/2020 17:00

Cheap

Today, I was in the mood for some coffee, which is right down the street. I brought ten dollars with me, not knowing how much I'd need. When I approached the counter, the barista looked at my hand holding the ten-dollar bill and said, "Oh, our cheap things are on the left side of the menu." FML

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By PainStressLife - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By not4geeks - United States

Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 14:02

Denied

Today, I asked a girl for her number and I wrote it down when she gave it to me. When I called her, it wasn't her. She'd given me a restaurant's phone number. FML

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660

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By Joey - United States

Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived, she was standing in the parking lot. She handed me a footlong sub, said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML

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95765

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

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36220

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By LaurenLehmmman - United States

Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML

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7262

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By Danny

Today, after being together for 8 months, I learned that not only was my boyfriend a liar, but that he is also married and has been for 4 years. FML

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3006

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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12810

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By tycrist8 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family and I were driving and we passed a strip club called DB's Golden Banana. My 5-year-old sister asked what it was, so my dad said it was a place where people dance. Now my sister keeps telling people she wants to be a dancer at DB's Golden Banana. FML

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28598

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By BluBaller - United States

Today, after about a month with no sex, my girlfriend told me to come up to her room and began kissing me passionately. She got me down to my underwear before informing me that she had Spanish homework left. To make things better, upon finishing up, she went straight to sleep. FML

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35470

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By Margo - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML

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15226

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By LadySteveMartin - United States - Woonsocket

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

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51006

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By sickofsick - United States

Today, I woke up with the flu that causes me to throw up violently until I dry heave and can't breathe. I told my mom I would rather have the runs, and not even a minute later, I got them. So now if I move too fast, I throw up, and if I don't move fast enough, I shit myself. FML

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41545

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at soccer practice. The ground's keeper just aerated the field, and my teammates and I decided to throw the cylindrical clumps of dirt at each other. I got hit in the face with one. It wasn't dirt. It was a clump of wet dog poop. FML

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By Stigmamma - 28/6/2020 05:06

Taking advantage

Today, after 3 months of my man claiming he's going to start eating better "next week", he finally went on a diet. What changed? I started eating healthy while trying for a baby. He is "supporting me" by getting me to do extra meal prep for him too. FML

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By thanksad - United States - Cerritos

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML

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26326

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By unwanted - Canada

Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for a year instead of college. My mom suggested that I could do the same. When I told her that a trip to China is probably more expensive than my college tuition, my mom replied, "Not for a one way ticket". FML

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By lafinesse

Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML

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44525

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

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51726

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By Anonymous - Canada

Checked out

Today, I went to Walmart to purchase a pregnancy test. I chose my checkout line carefully, to make sure I didn't see anyone I knew. After choosing one, I realized it was 4 o'clock on the dot. Shift change. My mom's best friend took over the shift just as I reached the checkout. FML

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1611

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother spent the whole day making a harpoon out of an old Tiki torch to bring on vacation with us to Sauble Beach, and he plans on using this contraption. On the beach. With all of us there to watch. He's 17 years-old. FML

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By buhknee - United States

Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML

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By trev - United States

Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML

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38065

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By BrutallyBlonde - United States

Today, I went to egg my ex-boyfriend's house, after finding out he cheated on me. I covered his house and car with eggs, toilet paper, and silly string. When I went to get back in my car, my keys were locked inside, the alarm went off, and my ex walked outside, with his new girlfriend. FML

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12760

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By fsfs - Germany - Kiel

Today, I went downstairs a little after midnight to grab a snack, and in the dark hallway, I clearly saw a small child walk into the kitchen. I was freaked out, but I followed him in. There was nobody in the room. I'm now too scared to sleep, and am seriously considering moving house. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 23:01

You've got some explaining to do

Today, my boyfriend accidentally synced his contacts to my phone. I'm not sure who I want to message first, "Amber (Big Ass)", "Kayla (Baby Girl)", or one of the other 64 with similar descriptions in parentheses. FML

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By crazygirl12 - United States

Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML

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By Anonymous - Latvia - Riga

Today, while giving a lecture on gender equality in the workplace, a woman yelled from the back, asking me why I'm not out starting a war somewhere. I stopped talking and tried to pinpoint her in the crowd, which she took as a sign to snort and call me a pussy. Nobody would back me up. FML

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Top comments

By harlehatschi | 0

#507296 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:25

wtf, as if that message appears on a kid's tshirt
what weirdo thought that slogan up?

By adelaide_evening | 0

#507312 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:28

I think you should be more concerned about where your husband takes your daughter shopping. What kind of store sells that shirt, other than places like Spencers?

COMMENTS

By gayfish_fml | 0

#507293 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:23

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Georgia795 | 0

#507360 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:43

It's KANYE WEST!! xD

Jim9349 | 10

#512321 - Tuesday 25 August 2009 0:32

I have a dildo in my butt right now.. :D

NeatNit | 32

#5213382 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 12:52

downvoted comments combo!

meepmerp | 20

#5811327 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 10:02

What the fuck?

By tiemoon37 | 0

#507295 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:24

lol, FYL indeed

portable_chicken | 0

#508254 - Sunday 23 August 2009 2:11

Either this is the author of this article or this chick has copied it from here. I was just on ninemsn (news site) and I saw this article about slogans on shirts so I clicked it and yea:
http://www.motherandbaby.com.au/ContentItem.aspx?ContentID=1462
This was today and everything

By harlehatschi | 0

#507296 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:25

wtf, as if that message appears on a kid's tshirt
what weirdo thought that slogan up?

MaramaBreaksFace | 0

#507333 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:35

There are heaps of very tasteless children's tshirts out there.
That is quite tame compared to some.
I saw a baby with "Daddy Only Wanted A Blowjob" printed on it's clothes.
I think the kind of people who would buy that shit for their kids shouldn't be allowed to procreate in the first place.

Intoxicunt | 5

#507451 - Saturday 22 August 2009 18:26

I agree with #10.
I mean, those jokes are kind of funny, but you don't put them ON your kids. I'd hate to see a cute picture of myself as a baby, only to read the slogan on the shirt and notice that apparently my mom thinks I'm advertisement for her sex life.

By adelaide_evening | 0

#507312 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:28

I think you should be more concerned about where your husband takes your daughter shopping. What kind of store sells that shirt, other than places like Spencers?

RavensRule97 | 0

#507374 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:50

i didnt even know they made shirts like that
and 4 year olds shouldnt be in spencers anyway

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4473503 - Wednesday 23 May 2012 23:51

I love Spencer's!!! And maybe e took her there? Maybe it was in the window in the front, and so they didn't have to go in to see it.

By OMGitsKaleyxo | 0

#507328 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:33

hahaa thats a good one[:

By AshleyRose784 | 0

#507342 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:38

where do you even find that kinda shirt? I've never seen anything like that in any store I take my daughter too.

123Beth | 0

#2898694 - Friday 15 July 2011 17:12

Spencer's has heaps of tasteless baby clothes.

ashwowa | 14

#3460460 - Thursday 20 October 2011 8:02

wrong "too". the " too" you put means 'also'. you should have put " to"

By sublime93 | 0

#507345 - Saturday 22 August 2009 17:39

There was already an FML about a dad & daughter getting a shirt with a wacky saying on it making fun of their mom.
So stfu/gtfo.

portable_chicken | 0

#508249 - Sunday 23 August 2009 2:09

Actually I think its at this place called 'Cotton On Kids'. Its wierd because I just saw an article on ninemsn after i signed out of my email... maybe this chick saw it and decided to make an fml out of it.
http://www.motherandbaby.com.au/ContentItem.aspx?ContentID=1462

I swear this fml is copied from that. It even has that slogan in it.