Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end...

By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 17:01 - United States - Pulaski

Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end of the movie, he commented on how amazed he was that they could "train those dinosaurs" to do exactly what they wanted them to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52028

You deserved it

5574

Favorite

Love

Boozehound alert

That'll be Kevin in accounting

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 07:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26235

You deserved it

3810

Favorite

By sarahhh - 13/2/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said "Do I have to bring you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41435

You deserved it

3500

Favorite

By Kate - 4/7/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31613

You deserved it

3910

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 22:20 - Denmark - Fredericia

Today, my husband quit his stable job of 12 years at the bank to pursue a career selling kites. If we don't end up homeless because of this, god knows we will when he has a real mid-life crisis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34415

You deserved it

3637

Favorite

By who wants spaghetti - 17/12/2015 03:42 - United States - Oconomowoc

Today, during a family dinner, I witnessed my younger brother casually slip his hand down the back of his pants, take it out, sniff each finger individually, before stirring his hand in his spaghetti and continue to eat normally. I was the only one who saw this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22771

You deserved it

1538

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/5/2017 16:00

Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine, except every couple of yawns my jaw dislocates, and I have to put it back in place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4085

You deserved it

319

Favorite

By toelie - 3/3/2018 19:00

Today, at 6 weeks pregnant, I went to the ER in the middle of the night for severe abdominal pain, fearing ectopic pregnancy. Turns out it was just a wayward turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3769

You deserved it

428

Favorite

By Bawsack - 22/11/2016 09:45 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I missed an important meeting at work because I was vomiting from painful cramps. Just last week I was recommending that everyone get the implant because I hadn't had symptoms in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8580

You deserved it

1306

Favorite

By robbed - 14/10/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28714

You deserved it

4372

Favorite

By thanks a lot - 4/5/2020 05:00

Great boyfriend, part 2

Today, my boyfriend made me a latte. It tasted off, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I drank it. Turns out he put laxatives in it as a prank. The idiot couldn’t just use one or two. He used so many that I had to go to the ER for severe dehydration after puking and shitting for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2619

You deserved it

172

Favorite

By Blackshadows - 7/9/2015 18:08 - United States - Somerset

Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23850

You deserved it

8338

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/4/2017 22:00

Today, a large number of people at my office don't realize that if the door to a stall is locked, it's occupied. While I can somewhat deal with people needlessly asking if it's occupied, what I can't deal with is someone looking over the stall to check. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4687

You deserved it

223

Favorite

By burnmyeyes - 19/4/2014 21:26 - United States - Richmond

Today, I walked in on my brother shaving his nuts, all while giggling like a maniac and seemingly high out of his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44272

You deserved it

5307

Favorite

By Skyler - 24/4/2013 19:14 - United States

Today, my school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor, who wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in my sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62155

You deserved it

14258

Favorite

By JasonX0656 - 29/1/2017 06:00 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, my fiancé asked me to do some manscaping. I got a little overzealous and now I look like a 12-year-old boy with razor burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6623

You deserved it

1523

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/5/2019 20:00

Today, I went to Home Depot because the lamp I'd bought there a few days ago was missing a part, and I wanted to get one that was complete. They wouldn't change it because it wasn't complete, and the policy said they wouldn't change anything that wasn't complete. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1755

You deserved it

128

Favorite

By disgusteddaughter - 13/6/2011 08:58 - Australia

Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35636

You deserved it

3406

Favorite

By Mom - 11/6/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45326

You deserved it

5556

Favorite

By Username - 22/11/2010 22:39

Today, I admitted to my boyfriend of three years that I have been suffering from depression for a while now. He took it as a good time to dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34305

You deserved it

4346

Favorite

By disappointed - 7/6/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, after spending thousands of dollars and several years pursuing a higher education so I could get a high paying job doing something that requires skill and brainpower, I finally got my first job offer after months of searching. I will be cleaning houses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40550

You deserved it

5810

Favorite

By youdontknowmewhy - 29/6/2015 07:42 - United States - Keller

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29757

You deserved it

2088

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 15:02 - United States

Today, I went over to welcome this new couple to our subdivision with a bottle of wine and muffins. I told them I liked what they were doing with the place, then asked them when they had moved in. They replied, "Two years ago." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8296

You deserved it

37367

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/8/2020 05:02

A mind of its own

Today, I realized I'm getting fat. When going for a drive, I plugged my phone in to listen to music. I put the phone in my lap to start driving and my gut changed the song. FML

I agree, your life sucks

983

You deserved it

428

Favorite

By murphy - 2/2/2009 10:49 - United States

Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34326

You deserved it

4085

Favorite

By badizzle - 15/9/2019 22:00

Helmut Newton strikes back

Today, my art teacher fawned over my friend's photographs of random children and people making out, while she called my picture of an old man looking thoughtful on a pier "creepy" and "voyeuristic." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1508

You deserved it

107

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, I tried opening a can for the first time using a manual can opener. I tried for a half hour to open a can of ravioli, mutilating the can in the process. Only after watching five Youtube videos on how to use a manual can opener did I notice the pull-tab on the top of the ravioli can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8828

You deserved it

65537

Favorite

By 12345678910 - 18/8/2013 18:22 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my drunk mom kicked me out of my own birthday party, calling me a "party-pooper" and saying I was killing everyone's buzz. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43892

You deserved it

4300

Favorite

By lil_munchkinjen - 9/2/2009 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34353

You deserved it

5888

Favorite

By Gone With the Wind - 12/5/2014 03:29 - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53565

You deserved it

4854

Favorite

By headache - 23/2/2015 01:41 - United States

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35477

You deserved it

5183

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/6/2012 08:47 - United States - Kent

Today, while at my cosmetics job, an elderly lady came up to me asking for a product. I told her we had a smaller size and a larger size for a better deal. She told me she wanted the smaller size because she'd "probably be dead" before she finished that one. I laughed. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28856

You deserved it

5216

Favorite

By Qwerty - 28/6/2011 16:10 - Australia

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to pick my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34900

You deserved it

5266

Favorite

By jakewr - 2/7/2011 04:14 - United States

Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33246

You deserved it

19762

Favorite

By lance - 10/4/2010 05:00 - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by a cop and was fined $210 for making an illegal u-turn. When the cop finished writing my ticket and hopped in his car, he made the same u-turn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48668

You deserved it

7439

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/6/2014 15:15 - United States - Boulder

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44796

You deserved it

5260

Favorite

By Troy - 3/4/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

80682

You deserved it

7756

Favorite

By master baiter - 12/8/2013 17:11 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was at a job interview for a position I really needed. Somehow, the interviewer and I started talking about fishing. I joked, "I'm a master baiter." Needless to say, I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30828

You deserved it

43544

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 17:00

Mind control

Today, after my fiancee gave me $100 to spend at the garden center as my Mother's Day gift, when I was on my way home from the center, he called and yelled at me because I didn't get what he wanted me to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1426

You deserved it

120

Favorite

By deathbysnoosnoo - 24/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25738

You deserved it

5539

Favorite

By elipses - 22/8/2009 04:43 - Canada

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47980

You deserved it

2978

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By woainishamu | 21

#5734416 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:42

Did a dinosaur teach him his education?

By DooleyFTW | 17

#5734423 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

It is amazing though to be honest! Like in the cars movie, it must've taken a really talented car trainer to make them all talk so perfectly!

COMMENTS

By woainishamu | 21

#5734416 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:42

Did a dinosaur teach him his education?

Fmeonce_shameonu | 15

#5734474 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:55

He married a wife with no ability to intake sarcasm. F his L

luckylucas26 | 9

#5734484 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:59

Ummm... Your grammar skills are also prehistoric.

MichellinMan | 20

#5734501 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:10

^ ummmm... There's actually nothing wrong with said person's grammatical skills.

Kamon97 | 23

#5734503 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:12

Hey Ms. Frizzle can teach anyone anything ;p

luckylucas26 | 9

#5734512 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:22

Except that it reads like a 4 year old wrote it.
Did a dinosaur educate him?

swaggalikethat | 22

#5734541 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:43

But it IS hypothesized that if Dinosaurs were still alive, we'd be able to domesticate them. Just my two cents, but really Op, you lack a sense of humor.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5734542 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:44

Now there are things that are funny and those that are not. 'Jokes' about spelling can be classified as LAME!

rebellionwars | 11

#5734624 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 0:47

This was very dumb of you to say. If he didn't know that the dinosaurs were fake how the hell do you think they could give him an education?

CocaColaPepsi | 13

#5738457 - Saturday 2 November 2013 1:17

Every time I read your comments I'm amazed at how dumb you are.

By mpsteve137 | 15

#5734419 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:43

If you know him well enough to marry him shouldn't you know that he might be lacking a bit of common sense?

Arrow44 | 10

#5734593 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 0:22

"Plot twist" What is they actually used real dinosaurs but exterminated them after the series was over.

yoshithecat | 15

#5734622 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 0:46

Oh! The first plot twist ever! *sits excitedly waiting to see something interesting happen*

ptoka | 20

#5734755 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 3:10

Thanks 64, I read that in Milton's voice and now can't get his voice out of my head!

By its2lu | 11

#5734420 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:43

Wow...

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5734460 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:50

is what you thought when you read this FML and the shock left you incappable of writing a thoughtful comment?

MichellinMan | 20

#5734495 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:04

3# are you fucking new here?! Everyone knows your comment has to be hilarious and or sympathetic of OP to even get one thumbs up.

thatgirl1299 | 11

#5734525 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:30

If your comment consists of one word u might want to keep it to yourself

caden_bro | 9

#5734538 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:42

"One word, you might want to keep it to yourself."

StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5734540 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:42

Well guys, think of it from #3's point of view, she's still 'wow..'ed and amazed someone trained those dinos

By StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5734422 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

Well, just hope future children inherit your commonsense , not his.

scarletclaw | 11

#5734470 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:53

Commonsense isn't so common any more.

StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5734480 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:58

I agree. Do you reckon FML is a sanctuary full of people with not-so-common common-sense ?

MichellinMan | 20

#5734497 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:06

I think the common sense of the people with not-so-common sense is pretty terrible, and the people with legitimate common sense are the real people with common sense. Common sense.

IHATEFMYLIFE | 26

#5734521 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:27

Umm yea I'm amazed he found someone who agreed to marry him. She obviously didn't marry him for his intellect.

DanielleinDC | 32

#5734731 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 2:34

I think it's best that OP's husband doesn't breed. Did he go to a religious school or did he skip his science classes?

QueenJay81 | 12

#5735175 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 13:17

seriously, if #3 felt like saying wow, why does it bother any of u??? leave her alone, wow says alot

StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5735649 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 20:52

#94 I think you posted on the wrong comment, and if you don't know already, the FML community is quick to judge, good or bad - BUT we get results.

By DooleyFTW | 17

#5734423 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

It is amazing though to be honest! Like in the cars movie, it must've taken a really talented car trainer to make them all talk so perfectly!

heyyoitskiraaa | 10

#5734491 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:02

What about toys! So much talent!

MichellinMan | 20

#5734500 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:08

Or The Walking Dead? Those fuckers aren't even alive!

Dawnstempest | 17

#5734551 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:52

Or the train in Unstoppable. "I need you to act like you are a runaway train. Ready? Action."

LowExpectations | 30

#5734663 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 1:32

The greatest feet in training animals was in that movie Sharknado. How the hell they teach those sharks to fly I'll never know.

Lilxpie | 18

#5735180 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 13:20

#54 All those trains in "Thomas The Tank Engine" must have been trained very well to act like humans.

btob143 | 6

#6136616 - Saturday 6 December 2014 7:02

If I could, I would give all of u 2 thumbs up

By dman1997 | 5

#5734424 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

He's right. I've always wondered how they trained the T-Rex's.

kurodansei | 16

#5734594 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 0:23

I'm more concerned with the velociraptors they're oh so clever.

xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#5734775 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 3:37

I want a T-Rex! Do you know where I can get one??? :DD

By JMichael | 25

#5734428 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

Hopefully he was messing with you.

By Welshite | 39

#5734436 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:45

Surely I can't be the only one who wants to cuddle a mastodon. And those raptors; they're such gentle creatures. I dunno why people call them vicious.

beelee1988 | 13

#5734518 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:25

I've always wanted to get a big bear hug from a raptor. They seem so lovable and cuddly.

By StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5734439 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:45

OP, this is a perfect chance to use you sarcasm - try "Yes, I hear they let you pet them as well "

By 17deanju | 2

#5734442 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:46

I think he was just messin with you OP