Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end...

By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 17:01 - United States - Pulaski

Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end of the movie, he commented on how amazed he was that they could "train those dinosaurs" to do exactly what they wanted them to do. FML

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Love

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Assumptions

Live dumping

By ERnightmare - 2/8/2018 21:00 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML

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By Me - 12/9/2011 07:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents used all of the college money I have been saving up for 8 years to buy a beach house. The reason they waited until now to tell me? A tree fell on it, and they need more money for repairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I took my parents and 3 sisters to the airport so they could take a trip to Hawaii. I wasn't invited because they don't like my husband. They asked me to watch the dog and water the plants. FML

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By littl3storm - 24/4/2020 23:00

Time for the ER

Today, my brace broke and due to Covid-19, I can't get it fixed for another month and a half. Four brackets have come off, the wire is sinking into my gum, giving me tooth and jaw pain. I can't eat and I'm spending excessive amounts of money on pain relief. The cause of all this? A cheese pasty. FML

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By yen - 7/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was talking to my sister about how I need to buy gifts from Santa for my daughter, when my son asked why I would be buying them instead of letting Santa bring them. My son genuinely still believed in Santa. He’s 22 years old. FML

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By Falcon - 9/2/2012 06:42 - United States

Today, I had to pee in the kitchen sink because my bathroom is being completely revamped, and the only other toilet in the house is my parents'. They refuse to let anyone use it. FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. It makes me depressed just watching you". FML

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By possibly fucked - 22/6/2014 20:34 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 21:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2013 20:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to the pool with my son. One moment I'm sitting down, applying sunscreen to my legs, and the next I look up to see him squatting on the diving board, seconds before dropping a deuce into the pool. As we got kicked out, he screamed that it was my fault. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - 16/10/2013 00:38 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2015 08:39 - United Kingdom

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2019 09:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I caught my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been as mortifying if they weren't doing it in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 12:00

Today, after a trip to the emergency room for severe stomach pain and almost passing out in the shower, I slipped on the wet bathroom floor and broke my two front teeth. FML

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By shadysheikh - 29/10/2014 04:55 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

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By Puppylove - 26/2/2013 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

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By notinflammable - 27/6/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML

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By dickhead - 10/4/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

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By Juggernaut Drive - 31/10/2018 05:00

Today, my little sister got into my anime DVDs, probably thinking they were cartoons. She watched High School DXD, which isn't the best anime for a 6-year-old. Now she wants to be the Breast Dragon Emperor for Halloween and Dad is threatening to set fire to my entire collection. FML

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By y00na - 17/8/2018 23:30

Today, I thought it would be fun to tint my hair. An hour later, I resemble a blueberry and it looks like a Smurf exploded in my bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 16:35 - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 02:02 - United States

Today, I received the "employee of the month" title from the job I was fired from last week. FML

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By overthehorizon - 27/7/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I thought I would surprise my dad by mowing our entire 2 acre lawn. When he got home, instead of being grateful like I had hoped, he yelled at me for cutting in vertical lines instead of horizontal. FML

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By joe - 19/11/2012 03:13 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, I bought a new armband to hold my iPhone while working out so I can listen to music and I was excited to start getting in shape. Unfortunately, when I tried it on, my arm was too big and it didn't fit. FML

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By vampire - 16/6/2011 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

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By lessinterestingthanadog - 8/11/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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By Charity - 20/3/2017 17:00 - United States

Slashing Prices Left and Right!

Today, I tutored a kid for two hours, for $25 an hour. When it came time for them to pay, my mother told the kid's parents that they could give me ten bucks for the whole thing. She does this a lot. FML

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By hrtbrkn - 16/7/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

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By Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 18/9/2018 13:30

Today, I went on a date with a guy and he kept winking at me. I thought it was really sweet until later that night he told me he had Tourette's. FML

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By nimrod23 - 18/10/2009 09:28 - Australia

Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 14:49 - United States

Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML

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By tomedicalforlove - 21/2/2013 05:51

Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML

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By HelloDrMeAgain - 24/12/2016 14:45

Today my girlfriends "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting & cold sweating while passing acidic/blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML

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By Joel_mama - 27/7/2009 01:12 - New Zealand

Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

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By macguy - 20/10/2016 14:25 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML

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By TGIkaty - 10/2/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML

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By Hm - 20/3/2015 00:54 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I was sitting in the airport, watching the baggage handlers load the plane I was about to get on. They were being really rough with it, one bag came open and all the clothes spilled out onto the tarmac. The clothes looked familiar. They were mine. FML

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By WhatTheBleep - 9/4/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, I found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding. FML

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By sistermonster - 26/2/2014 09:45 - France - Salon-de-provence

Today, my boss fired me. I can't really explain the slap I gave him for it, though. FML

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Top comments

By woainishamu | 21

#5734416 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:42

Did a dinosaur teach him his education?

By DooleyFTW | 17

#5734423 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

It is amazing though to be honest! Like in the cars movie, it must've taken a really talented car trainer to make them all talk so perfectly!

Comments

By woainishamu | 21

#5734416 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:42

Did a dinosaur teach him his education?

Fmeonce_shameonu | 15

#5734474 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:55

He married a wife with no ability to intake sarcasm. F his L

luckylucas26 | 9

#5734484 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:59

Ummm... Your grammar skills are also prehistoric.

MichellinMan | 20

#5734501 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:10

^ ummmm... There's actually nothing wrong with said person's grammatical skills.

Kamon97 | 23

#5734503 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:12

Hey Ms. Frizzle can teach anyone anything ;p

luckylucas26 | 9

#5734512 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:22

Except that it reads like a 4 year old wrote it.
Did a dinosaur educate him?

swaggalikethat | 22

#5734541 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:43

But it IS hypothesized that if Dinosaurs were still alive, we'd be able to domesticate them. Just my two cents, but really Op, you lack a sense of humor.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5734542 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:44

Now there are things that are funny and those that are not. 'Jokes' about spelling can be classified as LAME!

rebellionwars | 11

#5734624 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 0:47

This was very dumb of you to say. If he didn't know that the dinosaurs were fake how the hell do you think they could give him an education?

CocaColaPepsi | 13

#5738457 - Saturday 2 November 2013 1:17

Every time I read your comments I'm amazed at how dumb you are.

By mpsteve137 | 15

#5734419 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:43

If you know him well enough to marry him shouldn't you know that he might be lacking a bit of common sense?

Arrow44 | 10

#5734593 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 0:22

"Plot twist" What is they actually used real dinosaurs but exterminated them after the series was over.

yoshithecat | 15

#5734622 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 0:46

Oh! The first plot twist ever! *sits excitedly waiting to see something interesting happen*

ptoka | 20

#5734755 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 3:10

Thanks 64, I read that in Milton's voice and now can't get his voice out of my head!

By its2lu | 11

#5734420 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:43

Wow...

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5734460 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:50

is what you thought when you read this FML and the shock left you incappable of writing a thoughtful comment?

MichellinMan | 20

#5734495 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:04

3# are you fucking new here?! Everyone knows your comment has to be hilarious and or sympathetic of OP to even get one thumbs up.

thatgirl1299 | 11

#5734525 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:30

If your comment consists of one word u might want to keep it to yourself

caden_bro | 9

#5734538 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:42

"One word, you might want to keep it to yourself."

StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5734540 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:42

Well guys, think of it from #3's point of view, she's still 'wow..'ed and amazed someone trained those dinos

By StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5734422 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

Well, just hope future children inherit your commonsense , not his.

scarletclaw | 11

#5734470 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:53

Commonsense isn't so common any more.

StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5734480 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:58

I agree. Do you reckon FML is a sanctuary full of people with not-so-common common-sense ?

MichellinMan | 20

#5734497 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:06

I think the common sense of the people with not-so-common sense is pretty terrible, and the people with legitimate common sense are the real people with common sense. Common sense.

IHATEFMYLIFE | 26

#5734521 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:27

Umm yea I'm amazed he found someone who agreed to marry him. She obviously didn't marry him for his intellect.

DanielleinDC | 32

#5734731 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 2:34

I think it's best that OP's husband doesn't breed. Did he go to a religious school or did he skip his science classes?

QueenJay81 | 12

#5735175 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 13:17

seriously, if #3 felt like saying wow, why does it bother any of u??? leave her alone, wow says alot

StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5735649 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 20:52

#94 I think you posted on the wrong comment, and if you don't know already, the FML community is quick to judge, good or bad - BUT we get results.

By DooleyFTW | 17

#5734423 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

It is amazing though to be honest! Like in the cars movie, it must've taken a really talented car trainer to make them all talk so perfectly!

heyyoitskiraaa | 10

#5734491 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:02

What about toys! So much talent!

MichellinMan | 20

#5734500 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:08

Or The Walking Dead? Those fuckers aren't even alive!

Dawnstempest | 17

#5734551 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:52

Or the train in Unstoppable. "I need you to act like you are a runaway train. Ready? Action."

LowExpectations | 30

#5734663 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 1:32

The greatest feet in training animals was in that movie Sharknado. How the hell they teach those sharks to fly I'll never know.

Lilxpie | 18

#5735180 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 13:20

#54 All those trains in "Thomas The Tank Engine" must have been trained very well to act like humans.

btob143 | 6

#6136616 - Saturday 6 December 2014 7:02

If I could, I would give all of u 2 thumbs up

By dman1997 | 5

#5734424 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

He's right. I've always wondered how they trained the T-Rex's.

kurodansei | 16

#5734594 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 0:23

I'm more concerned with the velociraptors they're oh so clever.

xXxGraveStonexXx | 20

#5734775 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 3:37

I want a T-Rex! Do you know where I can get one??? :DD

By JMichael | 25

#5734428 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:44

Hopefully he was messing with you.

By Welshite | 39

#5734436 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:45

Surely I can't be the only one who wants to cuddle a mastodon. And those raptors; they're such gentle creatures. I dunno why people call them vicious.

beelee1988 | 13

#5734518 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 23:25

I've always wanted to get a big bear hug from a raptor. They seem so lovable and cuddly.

By StompinOnCrayons | 15

#5734439 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:45

OP, this is a perfect chance to use you sarcasm - try "Yes, I hear they let you pet them as well "

By 17deanju | 2

#5734442 - Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:46

I think he was just messin with you OP