Today, my husband and I are still having a dumb fight over remodeling.... - FML

By unhappy wifey - 28/9/2012 06:09 - United States - Portland

Today, my husband and I are still having a dumb fight over remodeling. He's decided to take an immature route and pretends to be asleep whenever I walk into a room so he doesn't have to talk about it. Earlier, he pretended to fall asleep at the dinner table. FML

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Grow up

Bad news

Non-baby fever

By Nigel - 13/7/2015 21:15 - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2013 21:37 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I asked out the girl who always looks and smiles at me in class. I was surprised when she rejected me until I found out she was actually always looking at the clock behind me, and smiling when class is almost over. FML

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By maddie! - 9/2/2011 17:48 - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

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By anonymous - 23/3/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and she was making me listen to one of her recordings for chorus. As I was listening to it a solo came on, and i turned to her and said "This is the worst F*ing solo I've ever heard in my life." Little did I know, it was her solo. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - 19/9/2017 16:00

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "we were hunting Bigfoot." FML

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By Laura - 27/5/2014 15:58 - United States

Today, at school, I got seated in front of the resident creepy kid that everyone stayed away from. I was pretty relieved to get through most of the class with no incidents, until the bell rang and he tore out a chunk of my hair, yelling "DNA! DNA!" FML

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By J-Sauce - 22/2/2016 23:32 - Canada - Salmon Arm

Today, a girl I like asked me to a concert, saying she had an extra ticket. I ended up being the third wheel with her and her boyfriend. Had to pay $60 for the ticket too. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2014 22:35 - Australia

Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML

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By no sleep for me - 8/1/2013 07:44

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2012 14:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, it was the only time in my life that I have ever received an A+ for something. Thank you, eBay buyer. FML

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By asadwa - 5/5/2011 05:38

Today, my mother told me she forgot what a verb is. I'm homeschooled, and she's my teacher. FML

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By Salvation711 - 15/4/2012 15:29 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 07:11 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML

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By number2 - 14/6/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, my friends and I were walking past a bar. There were a few cute guys "rating" every girl that walked by with number cards. My friend, who is a guy, got an 8. I got a 2. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2020 05:05

Baked

Today, I was supposed to have my first job interview for a bakery franchise. Turns out all the applications are submitted to every store, and I was called to the wrong one. FML

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By Mintspice - 8/5/2019 12:00

Today, a girl I've liked for months agreed to go to a movie. We were going to see Captain Marvel, but missed the show time, so we saw Five Feet Apart. Blessing in disguise, right? Wrong. She cried while holding my hand as she talked about how in love she is with another girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 03:41 - United States

Today, while I was on the bus, my foot fell asleep. When we arrived at my stop, I stood up and limped to the front of the bus. As I walked down the steps, I tripped, fell, and smashed my nose into the ground. The driver just laughed and drove away. FML

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By anonymous_0505 - 6/11/2010 17:24 - Russian Federation

Today, my boyfriend ditched me, saying he had some important things to do. When I checked on him a while later, I found out what was so "important". A game called Robot Unicorn Attack. FML

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By FUCK THE PIGS - 26/1/2013 20:44 - United States - Oakland

Today, during lunch, my coworker offered me her food, claiming she was full. I was still quite hungry, so I accepted it. Halfway through eating the sandwiches, my boss walked in and started interrogating people over who took his lunch. I quickly realized I was the one eating it. FML

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By introuble - 23/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker of mine walking in front of me. We're really good friends and we joke around a lot, so I jokingly whistled at him and slapped his butt. Turns out it wasn't my friend, it was the new guy. Hello, sexual harassment charges. FML

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By Sheepiebeepie - 11/8/2017 04:30

NEVER JOKE ABOUT FLUFFY

Today, at the end of a 15 hour shift, my girlfriend and her friends played a "prank" on me by texting me from a random number saying my cat got hit by a car. I immediately burst into tears and lost it in front of my colleagues. My cat is fine. My relationship is the real joke. FML

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By unsuckable - 28/8/2015 06:13 - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2009 14:54 - United States

Today, I texted this girl that I really like. I got a message back saying "Your message to 903-***-**** could not go through due to a disconnection, thanks, Alltel services." I overheard her later at lunch saying she sent the message, and laughed with her friends about it. FML

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By SapphireRaven - 7/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By Burst a Valve - 26/2/2017 18:00 - Australia

#humblebrag

Today, I learned there is such a thing as "too much sex". After a full week of having sex at least twice a day with my girlfriend, I had to go to the GP due to a painful erection and swelling. The constant sex had caused me to burst a blood vessel in my penis. FML

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By Smiley - 31/12/2016 14:33 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, as always, I tend to smile and giggle when I'm nervous. I couldn't stop it from happening at the funeral of my friend's grandmother. FML

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By horsefuck - 7/8/2015 12:51 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

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By squidwardpotatoes - 14/11/2009 11:08 - United States

Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from "SpongeBob" with large letters spelling "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML

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By orcatheseapanda - 9/1/2016 05:14 - Thailand

Today, I was stretching on the balcony, when I heard my neighbor's daughter scream. She was playing in their kiddie pool and thought I was peeping on her. And now her parents think so too. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2009 00:27 - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

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By Nightsong - 30/3/2016 02:54 - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML

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By BoredRunner42 - 7/9/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I had a great time with a girl I liked. I asked her out and she said yes. She also said she cuts herself and if I ever broke up with her, I'll be responsible for her death. FML

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By bubblensuds1 - 28/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, someone left a used condom under the windshield wiper of my car. I didn't notice it until I was driving. And it was raining. It was even tied, so the contents couldn't leak out. I'm not planning artificial insemination anytime soon, but thanks for the thought. Man, I love college. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2016 12:32 - Netherlands

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that I was the one. Not at this moment though, he wants to see how far he can go with his best female friend. But once he's done with her, we can be together. FML

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By no she wasn't high - 2/12/2013 02:50 - United States - Garland

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that just because it says non-toxic on the crayons, it doesn't mean that you should eat them. She's 16. FML

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By daddyslittlegirl250 - 5/5/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 11:29 - Netherlands

Today, my husband and kids celebrated my 50th birthday. I turned 47. FML

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By beekeke45 - 25/6/2011 13:39 - United States

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, in Burger King, I was leaning against the railing looking at the menu. I saw an old man using the rail to walk, so I got out of the way. He ran his hand across my back and said "You're so cute, I'd like to take you home and lock you in my basement naked so you can't leave" and walked out. FML

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Top comments

By Ruler3000 | 17

#4981599 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:55

I'm curious if he went face first in food...

By matt98_fml | 13

#4981609 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:56

Throw a bucket of cold water on him to see if he "wakes" up.

COMMENTS

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#4981597 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:55

That's healthy.

Reply

boxbrandon11 | 20

#4981646 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:59

Don't cook for him next time

Reply

ProfessionalTrol_fml | 14

#4982043 - Friday 28 September 2012 17:51

That's a face/desk situation

Reply

nikkkkkiii | 7

#4982099 - Friday 28 September 2012 18:05

Two can play that game. Pretend to fall asleep every time he wants to have some "fun". That'll get him talking real quick.

Reply

Greendaycheese | 12

#4982660 - Friday 28 September 2012 21:28

!!

Reply

Adorlee | 11

#4983097 - Saturday 29 September 2012 0:58

I think he'll get in her pants regardless if she's sleeping or not

Reply

Dpac7 | 19

#5722955 - Sunday 20 October 2013 4:41

She doesn't really have to be awake for that.

By Ruler3000 | 17

#4981599 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:55

I'm curious if he went face first in food...

By matt98_fml | 13

#4981609 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:56

Throw a bucket of cold water on him to see if he "wakes" up.

Reply

folfg0 | 12

#4981951 - Friday 28 September 2012 17:21

Well his little game is obviously working. She's on here instead of arguing with him. Just thought I'd throw that out there. So who's the "child/idiot/etc" now? :P

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#4982183 - Friday 28 September 2012 18:35

still him because he's a grown man acting like a child. I'd want to complain to someone/something as well!

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#4982875 - Friday 28 September 2012 22:54

37 - just because she's on here, doesn't mean she's not still arguing with him. Some people are capable of multitasking.

Reply

matt98_fml | 13

#4983388 - Saturday 29 September 2012 2:35

Or maybe she wanted to vent to us fmlers to get our point of view and show the comments all to her husband.

By perdix | 29

#4981612 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:57

More food for you!

When his little game results in a fat wife, he'll give up.

Reply

dougiewhale | 6

#4981955 - Friday 28 September 2012 17:22

Then the husband would have sex with the liposuction fat instead of OP.

Reply

LoveGuru69 | 0

#4983625 - Saturday 29 September 2012 4:22

give him a blumpkin and he will start treating you with more respect. Trust me, i know from experience ;)

Reply

Snazzy_Snaz | 17

#4985129 - Saturday 29 September 2012 16:57

81- that's so fucking gross

By theamazingone_12 | 7

#4981613 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:57

He needs to grow up and you need to remodel the house! If he dosent want to input his ideas ohhh well hes had lots of chances

By Donat96 | 20

#4981626 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:58

Narcolepsy is a serious condition.

Reply

bossroyd | 4

#4982066 - Friday 28 September 2012 17:59

Just pretend to fall asleep during sexy times with him and see how he feels

By Yaen | 18

#4981639 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:58

Genius.

By FuzzyJack | 15

#4981642 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:58

Just start remodeling without him. He'll stop acting like a kid soon enough.

By nanpooo | 6

#4981644 - Friday 28 September 2012 15:58

Give him a rude awakening. He might stop pretending to be asleep. Although it might result in him doing something else stupid...

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#4981657 - Friday 28 September 2012 16:00

That's the best strategy to get out of things you don't want to do :)

Reply

ZiplockP | 0

#5001937 - Thursday 4 October 2012 0:40

I just slept through your comment.