Miscellaneous: Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 92

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 278

You deserved it 51

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 27

30/06/2013 22:08

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 788

You deserved it 3 651

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Taking stock

Slot machine addicts

03/06/2012 15:20

Today, in a parking lot, a girl came up to our car and started to knock on the window and scream, "I KNEW IT!" My girlfriend doesn't believe that I don't know her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 007

You deserved it 2 433

04/05/2009 19:04

Today, I sent everyone a text on my phone book saying, "Happy Star Wars Day!!! May the Fourth be with you!!" I forgot to uncheck my ex-girlfriend's number. She texted back, "One of the many reasons I broke up with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 722

You deserved it 72 229

03/10/2015 07:42

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 460

You deserved it 4 442

07/06/2009 09:23

Today, someone left a note on my car, saying "You're gorgeous. Call me. #######." I called the number and they said they saw me in the store I was in, telling me "You were the ONLY attractive person in there." We decided to meet up. He walks over, I say hi, he says "I think I put my number on the wrong car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 918

You deserved it 7 425

25/07/2014 20:19

Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight of stairs when I tripped and bumped into a kid ahead of me by mistake. He fell forward and took half a dozen people down with him. The staff think I did it on purpose, and there's talk of charges being pressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 417

You deserved it 4 400

Wrong enemy

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 08:00

Today, my girlfriend slapped a waxing strip on my beard because she is sick of quarantine and wanted to lash out at someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 721

You deserved it 171

20/02/2009 20:15

Today, my girlfriend and I were up late watching tv when an infomercial for "male enhancement" came on. I grabbed for my phone to make a call when my girlfriend said "O honey, dont buy that, it's okay that you're small." I was checking my voicemails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 547

You deserved it 6 350

07/02/2016 17:59

Spicy

Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 670

You deserved it 2 118

23/08/2019 12:00

Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 622

You deserved it 958

16/08/2011 13:20

Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 673

You deserved it 55 194

10/04/2016 20:53

Today, I had a lady come up to me in a store just to tell me how bad my acne was and what remedies I should use. I got so embarrassed, all I could say was, "OK" and, "Thank you" until she left me alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 488

You deserved it 1 440

03/03/2017 16:00

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 717

You deserved it 1 982

29/07/2018 01:30

Today, my younger sister and I were camping when, during the middle of the night, she asked me if I could take her to the toilets as she was scared. I told her to go by herself or go behind the tent. Thirty seconds later, she peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 794

You deserved it 4 357

05/10/2011 00:02

Spicy

Today, on my way home, my girlfriend started sexting me, telling me that she was waiting at my house. In my rush to get home to see her, I got pulled over and had to be patted down. He found no weapons, but he did find my stiffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 800

You deserved it 12 596

03/06/2017 16:00

Today, at work, I have discovered the wonderful feeling of having a paper cut, with metal, under your nail, on all your nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 906

You deserved it 345

25/10/2012 16:27

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a romantic date to a botanical garden in the hills. A giant bushfire erupted in the hills on our way, meaning we're now stuck out here because the roads are closed. So romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 719

You deserved it 2 473

Time for an intervention

By Sierra Madre - 20/10/2019 04:00

Today, I got yelled at all day at work, only to come home and get yelled at by my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 638

You deserved it 161

18/10/2018 14:00

Today, while dropping my son off at the bus stop before school, I went to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, before I was able to make contact, he jumped away, yelled "PSYCH!!!!" as loud as he could, and jumped on the bus. The kids all laughed at me and the other parents looked embarrassed for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 832

You deserved it 336

12/11/2014 16:00

Today, at the gym, some muscle head idiot started yelling at the treadmill for not going fast enough, and I muttered "roid rage". Apparently said roids give him superhuman hearing, because he heard me from the other side of the room, and threatened to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 706

You deserved it 9 490

06/07/2011 18:45

Today, my roommate showed me that her pepper spray had expired, so I decided to test it on myself. It worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 271

You deserved it 79 562

15/03/2010 08:11

Today, I seriously considered labelling myself as 'in a relationship' on Facebook, even though I haven't been in one since '92, so I can hide just how desperate I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 104

You deserved it 7 674

27/02/2013 07:12

Today, I realised the extent of my wife's cat obsession when I received an $850 bill for the air conditioner she leaves on for our 5 cats while we are at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 715

You deserved it 4 283

24/11/2013 23:19

Today, while riding the subway, I fell asleep. I awoke to find that someone had stolen my glasses. From off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 138

You deserved it 7 777

04/08/2009 22:12

Today, I was on my couch when my landlord walked in. He asked what I was doing there. I responded with the same question. Apparently my roommate forgot to call me and tell me that our lease ended three days ago. I am now standing in the parking lot with all my belongings, and it is raining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 230

You deserved it 6 967

25/03/2015 04:24

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 247

You deserved it 3 255

13/11/2010 04:10

Today, at work, my manager fell in front of an entire lobby full of people on a wet floor. I'm the only one who burst out laughing. Turns out she has a broken arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 957

You deserved it 37 686

06/10/2011 22:28

Today, I was suspended from work. Some lady went to the manager and told them that I was stalking her, all because I would kindly greet her everyday at the grocery store. I'm the cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 859

You deserved it 2 160

07/10/2009 17:58

Today, I was at the Salvation Army when I saw a wheelchair in the miscellaneous aisle. I thought it would be fun to ride around in it. As I was wheeling it back to where I found it, I made it back just as it's owner was hobbling out of the dressing room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 416

You deserved it 53 475

10/03/2012 02:09

Today, I angrily tweeted about having fruitlessly searched for over an hour for my car keys. Minutes later, some guy told me to check beneath the "stack of skid-marked underwear" on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it was a lucky guess, or if I should start carrying mace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 792

You deserved it 6 585

Involuntary

By hannahthedino - 20/07/2021 04:01

Spicy

Today, my friend spent the night. I now know that she masturbates in her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 017

You deserved it 112

23/03/2015 14:24

Today, my younger sister stopped talking to me. I got engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years and apparently, she's been in love with him since she met him. Through me. She's 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 752

You deserved it 2 895

12/01/2012 05:36

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 691

You deserved it 59 037

16/11/2018 22:00

Today, I finally spent the night with a new guy after recently ending a 3-year toxic relationship. The new guy disappeared for 2 hours in the middle of the night, then came back to bed. Turns out he was busy snogging my housemate. I really choose them well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 707

You deserved it 517

You idiot!

By Anonymous - 28/10/2019 22:00

Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 443

You deserved it 2 861

17/10/2010 06:28

Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 085

You deserved it 30 330

Backhanded

By wtf - 14/09/2011 18:11

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 868

You deserved it 4 461

14/03/2010 20:14

Today, I found out that the only reason my ex husband calls my son anymore, is to ask him to send him things on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 437

You deserved it 2 512

28/10/2018 17:30

Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 880

You deserved it 204

08/05/2009 21:46

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 247

You deserved it 10 349

17/05/2014 19:33

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 443

You deserved it 5 754

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Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well, do you have a problem with it?

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Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Egg his car. Reply the same way. Wait for results. (Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)

Comments

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Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well, do you have a problem with it?

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:05

Omg, I'm the first reply to the first comment. I dunno what to say. HI MOM

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:08

I've had my house egged a few times recently and I can tell you that I'd have a huge fucking problem with it if it were my dad.

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:12

The question here though is, does his dad have a problem with him having a problem?

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Monday 1 July 2013 3:10

OP should have just said, "No, I don't have a problem with it." Then got naked, took out the eggs from his groceries he just bought and started breaking them all over his body while moaning. Problem solved.

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Monday 1 July 2013 3:31

#32 Why do I feel like you have no pride for your dignity?

biggestfan23 11

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Monday 1 July 2013 4:44

#38 why do I feel like you can't take a hilarious joke?

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Monday 1 July 2013 5:27

I would be egg-static if my dad told me that.

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Monday 1 July 2013 19:48

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA That would be funny

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Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well aren't irish men always drunk?

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:12

Well, someone's a stereotyping dick.

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Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

I think his head is the one that's messed up

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:27

Or he's got a good sense of humor?

lopsop 12

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Monday 1 July 2013 1:58

Hey at least he's honest

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Monday 1 July 2013 1:58

Maybe he's going through a midlife crisis whether he did it or not. Sorry op :/

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Monday 1 July 2013 4:53

you retarded?

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Monday 1 July 2013 5:28

Um, what grown ass man takes the time and money to egg their grown ass child's house and then responds like that when only being told and not accused?

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Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Egg his car. Reply the same way. Wait for results. (Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)

cathyfang1533 12

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:28

Why only egg? Why not include all the components of a healthy breakfast? I say OP eggs, pancakes, bacons, butters, sausages, and syrups his dad's car.

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:32

If its as hot there as it is here you could just throw the ingredients on the car and the sun would just cook it into a lovely breakfast for him.

bfsd42 20

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:35

Op is Irish. So a breakfast is sausage, rashers, eggs, black and white pudding, fried tomato and soda bread.

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:44

Don't the Irish do sauteed/pan fried mushrooms? Breakfast isn't complete without mushrooms, you can keep the black and white pudding though.

da_directioner39 17

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Monday 1 July 2013 3:17

No, 22, not the bacon!

cathyfang1533 12

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Monday 1 July 2013 4:21

Yes the bacon, be smothered in layers of crispy, heart-attack inducing pork strips...man, what a way to go...

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Monday 1 July 2013 4:34

Eat the bacon just use bologna instead it'll rip the paint off on a hot day

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Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Show him that you do by TPing his house. Bam! Friendly prank war started.

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:00

Whatever it is, you probably sholdn't egg him on at all, or else the yoke will be ok you. Although if he did, then it's not all-white; he needs to show a little more shell-f restraint.

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Monday 1 July 2013 4:15

He was probably hatching his plan for awhile...

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Monday 1 July 2013 11:08

You guys CRACK me up!

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Thursday 4 July 2013 9:45

Like a boss

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:03

Well, do you?

perdix 29

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:03

That's an eggs-cellent yolk!

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:13

The puns on this FML are becoming a bit eggcessive.

perdix 29

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:25

#17, yes, but they're eggs-tremely popular with all but the most hard-boiled readers who recognize the yolks are not original, but poached.

cathyfang1533 12

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Monday 1 July 2013 2:33

The yolks may have been poached, but I think we could all Benedict from it. Omelet you decide.