Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told... - FML

By thefuck - 30/6/2013 22:08 - Ireland - Ballyjamesduff

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Don't give up

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 23/6/2018 19:00

Professional.

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for racism after I refused to hire a black woman. I didn't hire her because she came to the interview wearing what was basically a bikini and she was covered in tattoos depicting lewd sex acts. FML

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By yoked - 18/12/2009 03:48 - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML

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By Monagro - 14/9/2017 07:00 - United States - New York

Great plan. Solid.

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML

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By badwife - 7/11/2009 10:22 - Japan

Today, my husband left his cell phone at home. I looked through his contacts and found a person named "The Bitch." Being a very curious person, I decided to call "The Bitch" to see who it was. My phone rang. FML

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By Karen - 5/3/2012 02:00 - United States

Today, in the middle of sex my boyfriend asked if he could use the bathroom. It would've been fine, if he didn't fall asleep on the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

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By Emily S - 9/10/2011 05:17 - Australia

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

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By tahneee - 31/5/2019 20:00

Today, I went to a function with my dad for a football team. Handing my dad the camera, I finally worked up the courage to ask for a photo with my favourite player. The guy was looking at my boobs in all three photo attempts. FML

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By "idefka" - 8/4/2017 02:00

Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML

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By anonymous - 18/3/2013 09:17 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was over at a friend's house feeding her cats while she was on vacation. After feeding the four of them, I found an extra cat under the sofa. Thinking it was an intruding stray, I kicked it out. She actually has 5 cats. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 11:36 - United States - Big Pine Key

Today, for the fifth day in a row, I have awoken at 6am to the sounds of my roommate's guest's child screaming. If it's anything like the last four days, the child will continue to randomly screech every fifteen minutes or so for the next five hours. I work 13-hour night shifts. FML

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By BlueBirdWings - 6/3/2012 07:20 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. He held a Kool Fruit in his teeth, and motioned for me to kiss him, so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do this, I inhaled. He then had to watch me dry retching, trying to get it back up. FML

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By zackeryburch - 3/8/2013 13:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was at Basic Training for the Army when I got a package in the mail from my friends back home. You are required to open your packages in front of your drill sergeants and peers at Basic. When I opened it, it was a dildo. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 05:04 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house to give him some moral support as he came out of the closet to his family. I left with a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2014 01:07 - United Kingdom - Burnley

Today, my boyfriend gave me an anniversary present to mark 5 years of us being together. It was a Mooncup. FML

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By 44haley44 - 12/7/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

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By Larentiah - 26/2/2012 22:18 - United States

Today, I realized how bad my feelings of inadequacy compared to other women and jealousy are when I started thumbing down songs on Pandora simply because the cover art had a better looking woman than me on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2010 22:56 - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I turned myself off. FML

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By heathenapparently - 16/2/2019 20:00

Today, while driving me to the airport for a trip to Japan, my mother started crying. When I asked her why, she said, "I just know that if the plane crashes, I will never see you again because you are going to hell." Thank you, mom. I love you too. FML

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By upsetandannoyed - 1/1/2012 05:41 - United States

Today, my friend set me up with a cute guy who is very germaphobic. So, I spent 4 hours cleaning my apartment. 2 minutes into the date, I sneezed. He politely told me he wasn't feeling well and left. FML

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By tubedout - 23/7/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

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By suicide - 4/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and hack loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was okay. Jokingly, I said, "Just dying." She replied, "You too, huh?" FML

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By julie - 12/11/2009 01:54 - United States

Today, I realized that if you are too lazy to get completely dressed in the morning and only put on a top, you should not answer a Skype video call from your boss that involves you standing up, turning around and grabbing files from your filing cabinet all in clear view of your web cam. FML

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By thedeadone - 15/7/2019 00:01

Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML

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By rippedoff - 4/3/2010 14:09 - Australia

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

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By Brokeandangry - 6/8/2018 21:13

Today, I bought my kids new mattresses for their new beds. Within 24 hours my son did a cannon ball onto his sister's bed to prove that it wouldn't break. The box spring snapped in half. FML

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By VladyBoi - 1/11/2011 00:18 - United States

Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML

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By arse of fire :( - 23/2/2013 00:31 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

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By oogabooga9 - 8/11/2017 15:00

Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML

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By gabby - 16/6/2012 20:36 - United States

Today, I'm driving cross-country with my parents. As if the stifling heat isn't bad enough, they keep stopping to admire, comment on, and practically do a photoshoot in every corn field we pass. FML

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By lanz4949 - 19/3/2013 04:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

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By parkinglotslayer - 11/6/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my family and I were parking downtown when my sister yelled to watch out for a man approaching our car. I see him pull something from his pocket. I yell "It's a knife, don't roll down the window!" It was a pen, he was the parking attendant and the window was already rolled down. FML

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By Mandi - 28/8/2012 00:09 - United States - Cary

Today, I found out why my District Manager won't promote me to store manager; his wife thinks he's having an affair with me. If he promotes me, she will take that as evidence of the affair, and then will threaten to divorce him. FML

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By not laughing anymore - 11/12/2014 19:55 - Netherlands - Egelshoek

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

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By ILTali - 3/3/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

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By Kanata - 31/8/2019 02:05

Today, my phone cut out during a call for a job interview. I tried calling them back, but there was no answer. Later, I got an email from the interviewer, saying I was no longer being considered for the position due to my being "rude and unprofessional." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 17:59 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

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By Bad Cat - 29/5/2019 14:00

Today, I saw my cat playing in the other room. Fascinated, I watched him for a few minutes before I realized he was playing with one of my daughter's fish. Well, what was left of it. FML

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By Donzai - 30/3/2009 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was at my bosses house for a company BBQ. Earlier I had taken muscle relaxants to calm my lower back pain. After a few drinks it was clear the alcohol and medication did not mix. I woke up few hours later to find out I had stripped naked and jumped into the 4 foot cake before passing out. FML

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By "Anti_Sora" - 5/1/2019 00:00

Today, I turned in my final worth 20% of the grade. Today was also the day my internet decided to die. FML

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Top comments

By JasonUMN | 15

#5559769 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well, do you have a problem with it?

By Nordrag | 25

#5559778 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Egg his car.
Reply the same way.
Wait for results.

(Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)

Comments

By JasonUMN | 15

#5559769 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well, do you have a problem with it?

Reply

Jemm_fml | 29

#5559803 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:05

Omg, I'm the first reply to the first comment. I dunno what to say. HI MOM

Reply

Nordrag | 25

#5559820 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:08

I've had my house egged a few times recently and I can tell you that I'd have a huge fucking problem with it if it were my dad.

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#5559838 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:12

The question here though is, does his dad have a problem with him having a problem?

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5559938 - Monday 1 July 2013 3:10

OP should have just said, "No, I don't have a problem with it." Then got naked, took out the eggs from his groceries he just bought and started breaking them all over his body while moaning.

Problem solved.

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#5559968 - Monday 1 July 2013 3:31

#32 Why do I feel like you have no pride for your dignity?

Reply

biggestfan23 | 11

#5560062 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:44

#38 why do I feel like you can't take a hilarious joke?

Reply

iammeorami | 25

#5560107 - Monday 1 July 2013 5:27

I would be egg-static if my dad told me that.

Reply

aidanrulz11 | 10

#5561101 - Monday 1 July 2013 19:48

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA That would be funny

By newzealand | 28

#5559771 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well aren't irish men always drunk?

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5559839 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:12

Well, someone's a stereotyping dick.

By oh_merde | 11

#5559772 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

I think his head is the one that's messed up

Reply

PulseShock | 9

#5559862 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:27

Or he's got a good sense of humor?

By lopsop | 12

#5559773 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:58

Hey at least he's honest

By Omfgitsmia | 15

#5559775 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:58

Maybe he's going through a midlife crisis whether he did it or not. Sorry op :/

Reply

michael666 | 7

#5560074 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:53

you retarded?

Reply

Omfgitsmia | 15

#5560110 - Monday 1 July 2013 5:28

Um, what grown ass man takes the time and money to egg their grown ass child's house and then responds like that when only being told and not accused?

By Nordrag | 25

#5559778 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Egg his car.
Reply the same way.
Wait for results.

(Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5559868 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:28

Why only egg? Why not include all the components of a healthy breakfast? I say OP eggs, pancakes, bacons, butters, sausages, and syrups his dad's car.

Reply

Nordrag | 25

#5559881 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:32

If its as hot there as it is here you could just throw the ingredients on the car and the sun would just cook it into a lovely breakfast for him.

Reply

bfsd42 | 20

#5559886 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:35

Op is Irish. So a breakfast is sausage, rashers, eggs, black and white pudding, fried tomato and soda bread.

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#5559904 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:44

Don't the Irish do sauteed/pan fried mushrooms? Breakfast isn't complete without mushrooms, you can keep the black and white pudding though.

Reply

da_directioner39 | 17

#5559949 - Monday 1 July 2013 3:17

No, 22, not the bacon!

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5560027 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:21

Yes the bacon, be smothered in layers of crispy, heart-attack inducing pork strips...man, what a way to go...

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5560044 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:34

Eat the bacon just use bologna instead it'll rip the paint off on a hot day

By myoukei | 31

#5559780 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Show him that you do by TPing his house. Bam! Friendly prank war started.

By Pleonasm | 34

#5559786 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:00

Whatever it is, you probably sholdn't egg him on at all, or else the yoke will be ok you. Although if he did, then it's not all-white; he needs to show a little more shell-f restraint.

Reply

theannak | 7

#5560018 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:15

He was probably hatching his plan for awhile...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5560500 - Monday 1 July 2013 11:08

You guys CRACK me up!

Reply

hugozac88 | 22

#5565306 - Thursday 4 July 2013 9:45

Like a boss

By Jemm_fml | 29

#5559799 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:03

Well, do you?

By perdix | 29

#5559800 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:03

That's an eggs-cellent yolk!

Reply

Jemm_fml | 29

#5559840 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:13

The puns on this FML are becoming a bit eggcessive.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5559859 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:25

#17, yes, but they're eggs-tremely popular with all but the most hard-boiled readers who recognize the yolks are not original, but poached.

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5559882 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:33

The yolks may have been poached, but I think we could all Benedict from it. Omelet you decide.