Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told... - FML

By thefuck - 30/6/2013 22:08 - Ireland - Ballyjamesduff

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

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By SoupCanoe - 29/8/2011 08:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

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By Dani - 12/1/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. 9 hours later, I found my extra key. FML

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By forgottenbday - 11/7/2012 05:09 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, my boyfriend treated me to a surprise romantic dinner, and got me a huge balloon bouquet, a dozen roses, a beautiful card for my birthday. Too bad it's his ex's birthday and not mine. FML

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By tonedef - 9/7/2013 23:35 - United States

Today, after spending weeks working on a song that meant a lot to me, I reluctantly posted it online. The "friend" who'd convinced me to post it, commented, "This is the worst shit I've ever heard." He got 30 likes, along with a barrage of agreeing, equally terrible comments. FML

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By trgtyo - 18/5/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I noticed my parents replaced my senior picture that hung on our livingroom wall with a painted one. Of our German Sheperd. FML

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By EpicFail - 11/1/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML

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By Jlipka - 22/5/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, while house sitting, I went to take my pizza out of the oven, not realizing that the oven mitt had a hole in it. FML

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By Vlen - 24/5/2015 02:38 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I sleep during the day because I work nights. My neighbors have a very loud wedding and reception in their backyard including a live mariachi band. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2012 14:14 - United States - Puyallup

Today, my mother shared my phone number with my brother, despite my explicit wishes that she didn't. He immediately went and put it on Craigslist and several other websites. This is the fourth time I've had to change my number for that very same reason. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 02:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 23:00

Yummy

Today, I decided to have some bagels. It was only after I ate them that I looked at the cream cheese and discovered that it expired 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2018 01:30

Today, my insanely religious 60-year-old neighbor screamed at me when I left my home to go to work. I was wearing jeans and that’s apparently improper for a female adult. FML

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By blow me - 7/8/2015 16:36 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML

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By forever dog-less - 22/12/2018 04:00

Today, my mom told me to go meet a rescue dog. After doing all my research and emailing shelters left and right, I finally got a call. It went well! Then, my mom told me it would never happen. I'm still expecting several emails from the shelters I contacted, so I get to relive this pain. FML

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By Username - 3/5/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, I realized the only reason I chose to lose weight is that I can never cross the crosswalk fast enough. FML

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By MileHighGirlGuy - 14/3/2017 14:00

Today, I almost got upgraded to business class because the gentleman at the check-in was so mortified at having called me "sir" instead of "mam." However, before it could go through, his colleague stopped him, telling me that it was "an easy mistake to make." FML

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By Headache - 1/3/2013 13:20 - United States

Today, the "Child Care and Development" class at my high school assigned all 50 students to carry a fake baby around school all day for a week. I can't even read a page of my notes without hearing a robotic crying noise. Today is the first day. FML

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By ScandinaviaBacon - 11/6/2019 20:00

Creepy Uncle Dave

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

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By iLuvsIt - 6/11/2012 09:32 - Australia - Belmont

Today, my friend joked to my co-workers that my kitty-cat of a husband was going to beat me for spending $200 on shoes. Later on, my rather large dog was so excited to see me when I walked in the door, he split my lip. Somehow, I don't think they'll believe me when I get to the office tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2012 14:11 - United States

Today, I went on a long flight. I was fortunate enough to sit next to a great girl. However, she must have thought I was not so great, because she moved to the empty seat across the aisle. Next to my dad. Who then told stories about how I always get motion sickness on airplanes. I then threw up. FML

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By Ellowise - 24/12/2009 10:06 - Belgium

Today, I used the tanning booth for the first time. Not only was I so white that I received first-degree burns all over my body, but I also forgot to remove my knee-high socks. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 12:55 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

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By BadIdea - 1/3/2012 21:23 - France

Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML

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By leftout - 25/12/2015 05:51 - United States - Whitney

Today, I spent the holiday with my husband's big family. They suggested we take a family picture, but two people were purposely left out of it. I was one of them. FML

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By kumcat - 11/1/2015 05:57 - United States - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2018 01:30

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my bosses van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

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By runfattyrun - 25/12/2016 07:19 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I got a gym membership for Christmas, from 3 different people. I think my family's trying to tell me something. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2011 14:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

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By SallyGeen - 27/7/2011 07:23 - United Kingdom

Today, at a fancy dress party, I got off with Hitler. FML

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By thunder thighs - 11/2/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music when we were driving to dinner. When I asked him what he was doing he replied, "Just watching the ripples." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2013 01:51 - United States - Portland

Today, I was told I've secured the job I applied for at my local hospital. Being just 19, this is a great opportunity, and I told my parents. They angrily asked if I'd applied just to get access to drugs, then demanded to know how I'd managed to pass the drug test. Thanks for the confidence. FML

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By optimistic2628 - 19/10/2011 14:03 - United States

Today, my twin boys who are 5 decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML

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By kimboslice106 - 8/6/2011 05:21 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to spend the night at my house because my dad would be working out of town, and once the rest of the house left I thought it'd be sweet if he snuck in my room and slept with me. His reply was "Why bother? You're on your period, it's not like we can do anything." FML

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By unwanted - 26/11/2014 18:13 - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I drove over an hour to my grandma's house for her birthday party. When she answered the door, her eyes went wide and she said angrily "No, not you!" and slammed the door shut in my face. FML

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By crinitis - 28/1/2016 16:05 - Canada - Ancaster

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

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By . - 16/10/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, I convinced my father that "Juanito", our relative who needed money for immediate surgery in Mexico was a stranger attempting to scam him. I was $1400 too late. FML

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By nice one - 30/8/2012 15:24

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

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By .... - 24/12/2013 02:48 - United States - Modesto

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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Top comments

By JasonUMN | 15

#5559769 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well, do you have a problem with it?

By Nordrag | 26

#5559778 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Egg his car.
Reply the same way.
Wait for results.

(Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)

COMMENTS

By JasonUMN | 15

#5559769 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well, do you have a problem with it?

Reply

Jemm_fml | 29

#5559803 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:05

Omg, I'm the first reply to the first comment. I dunno what to say. HI MOM

Reply

Nordrag | 26

#5559820 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:08

I've had my house egged a few times recently and I can tell you that I'd have a huge fucking problem with it if it were my dad.

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#5559838 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:12

The question here though is, does his dad have a problem with him having a problem?

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5559938 - Monday 1 July 2013 3:10

OP should have just said, "No, I don't have a problem with it." Then got naked, took out the eggs from his groceries he just bought and started breaking them all over his body while moaning.

Problem solved.

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#5559968 - Monday 1 July 2013 3:31

#32 Why do I feel like you have no pride for your dignity?

Reply

biggestfan23 | 11

#5560062 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:44

#38 why do I feel like you can't take a hilarious joke?

Reply

iammeorami | 25

#5560107 - Monday 1 July 2013 5:27

I would be egg-static if my dad told me that.

Reply

aidanrulz11 | 10

#5561101 - Monday 1 July 2013 19:48

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA That would be funny

By newzealand | 28

#5559771 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well aren't irish men always drunk?

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5559839 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:12

Well, someone's a stereotyping dick.

By oh_merde | 11

#5559772 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

I think his head is the one that's messed up

Reply

PulseShock | 9

#5559862 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:27

Or he's got a good sense of humor?

By lopsop | 12

#5559773 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:58

Hey at least he's honest

By Omfgitsmia | 15

#5559775 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:58

Maybe he's going through a midlife crisis whether he did it or not. Sorry op :/

Reply

michael666 | 7

#5560074 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:53

you retarded?

Reply

Omfgitsmia | 15

#5560110 - Monday 1 July 2013 5:28

Um, what grown ass man takes the time and money to egg their grown ass child's house and then responds like that when only being told and not accused?

By Nordrag | 26

#5559778 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Egg his car.
Reply the same way.
Wait for results.

(Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5559868 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:28

Why only egg? Why not include all the components of a healthy breakfast? I say OP eggs, pancakes, bacons, butters, sausages, and syrups his dad's car.

Reply

Nordrag | 26

#5559881 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:32

If its as hot there as it is here you could just throw the ingredients on the car and the sun would just cook it into a lovely breakfast for him.

Reply

bfsd42 | 20

#5559886 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:35

Op is Irish. So a breakfast is sausage, rashers, eggs, black and white pudding, fried tomato and soda bread.

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#5559904 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:44

Don't the Irish do sauteed/pan fried mushrooms? Breakfast isn't complete without mushrooms, you can keep the black and white pudding though.

Reply

da_directioner39 | 17

#5559949 - Monday 1 July 2013 3:17

No, 22, not the bacon!

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5560027 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:21

Yes the bacon, be smothered in layers of crispy, heart-attack inducing pork strips...man, what a way to go...

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5560044 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:34

Eat the bacon just use bologna instead it'll rip the paint off on a hot day

By myoukei | 31

#5559780 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Show him that you do by TPing his house. Bam! Friendly prank war started.

By Pleonasm | 34

#5559786 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:00

Whatever it is, you probably sholdn't egg him on at all, or else the yoke will be ok you. Although if he did, then it's not all-white; he needs to show a little more shell-f restraint.

Reply

theannak | 7

#5560018 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:15

He was probably hatching his plan for awhile...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5560500 - Monday 1 July 2013 11:08

You guys CRACK me up!

Reply

hugozac88 | 22

#5565306 - Thursday 4 July 2013 9:45

Like a boss

By Jemm_fml | 29

#5559799 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:03

Well, do you?

By perdix | 29

#5559800 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:03

That's an eggs-cellent yolk!

Reply

Jemm_fml | 29

#5559840 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:13

The puns on this FML are becoming a bit eggcessive.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5559859 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:25

#17, yes, but they're eggs-tremely popular with all but the most hard-boiled readers who recognize the yolks are not original, but poached.

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5559882 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:33

The yolks may have been poached, but I think we could all Benedict from it. Omelet you decide.