Miscellaneous: Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told... - FML

By thefuck - Ireland - Ballyjamesduff

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

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Understandable

Shark-infested offices

I'm a mess

By ThisIsWhyIStayAtHome - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was at a nightclub when some dick squeezed the ass of the girl beside me. She whirled around and started yelling and slapping me across the face. I was dragged out by the bouncers, to cheers from the people around us. FML

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By intheairtonight - United States - Minneapolis

Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML

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By lolfayce - United States

Today, I was at the costume rental shop I work at, when I saw a kid trying to walk out the door wearing what appeared to be one of our fake monster claws, so I chased him down and grabbed it. It wasn't. It was his prosthetic hand. FML

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By impickingyourhomegran - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML

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By Nanana32 - United States - Hudson

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

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By Anonymous

Parked, indefinitely

Today, my mom told me I wouldn't be able to take driver's education until at least my sixteenth birthday, because I'm, "Not ready to drive a car." Isn't that the whole point of driver's ed? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML

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By Oops

Today, someone broke the flush on the toilet in the only female bathroom in the office, and didn’t leave either a note or out of order sign. The broken flush became very apparent, however, after I was unable to flush the vile smelling deposit I’d left in there. FML

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By maxus - United States

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was watching the episode where Spongebob smashes his guitar while playing. I walk into the kitchen to make him a snack, and I hear a loud crash... My nephew smashing my brand new guitar to be like Spongebob. FML

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By None - United States

Today, I auditioned for the musical at my school. Before I sang my song, I gave my music to the director. She said "Oh, I love this song!". After I sang it, she told me, "Its okay, I still like the song." FML

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By mary - United Kingdom

Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML

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By Mom - United States

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her men can't have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my purse was stolen. Too bad it had all of my money and my passport. My flight is tomorrow, and the embassy is closed until Monday. Guess who gets to stay in a foreign country with no money and no identification for the next 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Not for cheating or for flirting, but because I wear tighty whities. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2020 09:00

Liar !

Today, I lied and told my friends I was a compulsive liar. Well, I think I lied. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I tried to give my husband a striptease for his birthday. I wound up tripping over my own panties and nearly dislocating my shoulder. FML

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By Proof-Reader - United States

Nice try

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By ToTeachorNottoTeach - 2/9/2020 20:01 - United States - Los Angeles

The best of times, the worst of times

Today, I'm a teacher in the middle of a pandemic. Half my students haven't shown up to my class. The other half don't do any assignments. I keep my job based on how well my students do. FML

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By Impressionist - United Kingdom

Today, I made quite an impression on my new bin men by forgetting to put the bin out 'til the last minute. I'm sure they enjoyed a good laugh at the woman in shorts, tank top and slippers struggling with a brolly as she slipped and slid while dragging her bin up a hill in a downpour. FML

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By weep weep weep - United States

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

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By Xia - United States

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

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By BeerSlut - Portugal - Santa Marta De Penagui?o

Today, my mother called me a slut and unladylike because I prefer beer instead of wine. Apparently, beer's only for "unladylike sluts". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was riding my bike, my foot slipped and I did a slow speed-tumble over the top, ripping my balls wide open. Number of stitches: too many to count. Size of balls: softball. Color: blue. FML

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By rattness - United States

Today, I found out the animal that was gnawing behind the kitchen wall all night was indeed a wild rat and his entire family. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML

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By rarara - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, one of my dad's work friends came over. As he was leaving, he complimented my dad on having three "strapping young boys." I informed him that I'm a girl, and I have a hormone imbalance that causes me to have a lot of hair and a deep voice. I guess my dress didn't give him a clue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my empty shower running so I could pretend I didn't still live alone. FML

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By nacho - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing he said to him was, "You're an idiot for dating my daughter." FML

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By Xpresss - United States

Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet. FML

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By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

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By steveinnewsoh - United States

Today, I went to get a scratch off lottery ticket, and the dude in front of me got the same one I was going to get. He won 500 dollars. I got 2 bucks. FML

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By manicmandy - United States

Today, I learned that ice cubes do not cool down hot oil. Instead, it causes a massive explosion of hot grease to splatter all over my parents' kitchen. FML

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By Nat3_2020 - United States

Today, as I walked on to the bus, the girl I liked whispered something to her friend. Curious, I asked what was so funny. She said she never realized that when I got on, I shook the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burgled. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML

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By Ignored - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML

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By Unfortunate Painter - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

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By Donewiththis

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

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By supervisor - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

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By jennlikewhoa - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

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Top comments

By JasonUMN | 15

#5559769 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well, do you have a problem with it?

By Nordrag | 26

#5559778 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Egg his car.
Reply the same way.
Wait for results.

(Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)

COMMENTS

By JasonUMN | 15

#5559769 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well, do you have a problem with it?

Reply

Jemm_fml | 29

#5559803 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:05

Omg, I'm the first reply to the first comment. I dunno what to say. HI MOM

Reply

Nordrag | 26

#5559820 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:08

I've had my house egged a few times recently and I can tell you that I'd have a huge fucking problem with it if it were my dad.

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#5559838 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:12

The question here though is, does his dad have a problem with him having a problem?

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5559938 - Monday 1 July 2013 3:10

OP should have just said, "No, I don't have a problem with it." Then got naked, took out the eggs from his groceries he just bought and started breaking them all over his body while moaning.

Problem solved.

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#5559968 - Monday 1 July 2013 3:31

#32 Why do I feel like you have no pride for your dignity?

Reply

biggestfan23 | 11

#5560062 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:44

#38 why do I feel like you can't take a hilarious joke?

Reply

iammeorami | 25

#5560107 - Monday 1 July 2013 5:27

I would be egg-static if my dad told me that.

Reply

aidanrulz11 | 10

#5561101 - Monday 1 July 2013 19:48

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA That would be funny

By newzealand | 28

#5559771 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

Well aren't irish men always drunk?

Reply

mario2012 | 18

#5559839 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:12

Well, someone's a stereotyping dick.

By oh_merde | 11

#5559772 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:57

I think his head is the one that's messed up

Reply

PulseShock | 9

#5559862 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:27

Or he's got a good sense of humor?

By lopsop | 12

#5559773 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:58

Hey at least he's honest

By Omfgitsmia | 15

#5559775 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:58

Maybe he's going through a midlife crisis whether he did it or not. Sorry op :/

Reply

michael666 | 7

#5560074 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:53

you retarded?

Reply

Omfgitsmia | 15

#5560110 - Monday 1 July 2013 5:28

Um, what grown ass man takes the time and money to egg their grown ass child's house and then responds like that when only being told and not accused?

By Nordrag | 26

#5559778 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Egg his car.
Reply the same way.
Wait for results.

(Warning: I am in no way liable to any injuries sustained during the course of action recommended above.)

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5559868 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:28

Why only egg? Why not include all the components of a healthy breakfast? I say OP eggs, pancakes, bacons, butters, sausages, and syrups his dad's car.

Reply

Nordrag | 26

#5559881 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:32

If its as hot there as it is here you could just throw the ingredients on the car and the sun would just cook it into a lovely breakfast for him.

Reply

bfsd42 | 20

#5559886 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:35

Op is Irish. So a breakfast is sausage, rashers, eggs, black and white pudding, fried tomato and soda bread.

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#5559904 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:44

Don't the Irish do sauteed/pan fried mushrooms? Breakfast isn't complete without mushrooms, you can keep the black and white pudding though.

Reply

da_directioner39 | 17

#5559949 - Monday 1 July 2013 3:17

No, 22, not the bacon!

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5560027 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:21

Yes the bacon, be smothered in layers of crispy, heart-attack inducing pork strips...man, what a way to go...

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5560044 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:34

Eat the bacon just use bologna instead it'll rip the paint off on a hot day

By myoukei | 31

#5559780 - Monday 1 July 2013 1:59

Show him that you do by TPing his house. Bam! Friendly prank war started.

By Pleonasm | 34

#5559786 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:00

Whatever it is, you probably sholdn't egg him on at all, or else the yoke will be ok you. Although if he did, then it's not all-white; he needs to show a little more shell-f restraint.

Reply

theannak | 7

#5560018 - Monday 1 July 2013 4:15

He was probably hatching his plan for awhile...

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5560500 - Monday 1 July 2013 11:08

You guys CRACK me up!

Reply

hugozac88 | 22

#5565306 - Thursday 4 July 2013 9:45

Like a boss

By Jemm_fml | 29

#5559799 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:03

Well, do you?

By perdix | 29

#5559800 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:03

That's an eggs-cellent yolk!

Reply

Jemm_fml | 29

#5559840 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:13

The puns on this FML are becoming a bit eggcessive.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5559859 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:25

#17, yes, but they're eggs-tremely popular with all but the most hard-boiled readers who recognize the yolks are not original, but poached.

Reply

cathyfang1533 | 12

#5559882 - Monday 1 July 2013 2:33

The yolks may have been poached, but I think we could all Benedict from it. Omelet you decide.