Miscellaneous: Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She...

By kdgirl - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

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Miscellaneous

Season finale

My body, my choice

Clean break

By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a camping trip. I already had a bad back, and then the guy in charge took us on a hike. My shoes were too small, and now I'm hobbling around with a bad back and foot. Every time I limp, it hurts my back, but if I walk normally, it hurts my foot. FML

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By pistonsunshine - United States

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 19:59 - Germany - Neusalza-spremberg

Renovations

Today, after buying an old house that lacks plumbing a few weeks ago, I’m still crapping in a bucket in the barn. My two favorite Christmas gifts are still 2 pieces of rubber to dampen the noise from my new sewage pump and a used ceramic toilet bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML

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By gassy - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

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By HWS - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

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By IloveJapan - Japan

Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

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By - France

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

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By sweetnan - Chile - Santiago

Nice, thanks

Today, I finally accepted my grandma's friend request on Facebook. I commented on a family photo album she'd uploaded, joking that the quality would greatly improve once she added pictures of me. My comment was met with, "Shut up you sewage rat". FML

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By Eva - France

Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were riding on my motorcycle. While at a stop light, she started to make these weird noises. Turns out she was having an orgasm. I still can't give her one. FML

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By Denise - 26/7/2020 17:00

How does that work?

Today, the girl I hired and trained took my director's position. She's not even been there a month. I didn't do anything to lose it, they just decided she was more qualified. At least I was good at picking employees I guess. FML

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By anotherdayfml

Strong incel vibes

Today, I told a guy that I was on birth control. He decided that it would be best for us not to continue speaking with each other. I never would've thought taking care of myself would be a deal breaker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, my boss decided that, because I got dragged into a vacation that I didn't even want to go on, she was going to take a promotion back before she even gave it to me. I don't know what's worse, losing the promotion or going on that crappy vacation. FML

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By singlelady - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, to avoid disappointing my excited great grandmother, I still attended a small family dinner to celebrate my engagement. My fiancé and I split last night, I haven't slept and had to tell her he was caught up at work. FML

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By Eloise

Today, I went on my third date with a great guy. We finally got round to talking about his tattoos. All 57 are related to his best friend. All of them. The best friend he never stops talking about. Somehow I don't think this will work out. FML

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By NikkiiFireStarter - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my 10 year old step-brother has an obsession with fire, after he burnt all the belongings in my room, including an £600 guitar. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 05:02

Sticky situation

Today, my boss keeps pointing out similarities between his wife and me. I genuinely dislike her, and have feelings for him. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

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By musicislife1337 - Canada

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2020 10:57

Great first impression

Today, I finally spoke to a counsellor about my depression. As soon as the session started, I became so anxious that I could barely speak. Once the Zoom call was finished, I got the distinct impression that she thought I was mentally disabled. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and choked on the boba in a coughing fit. FML

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By Babysitter Probs - United States - Fresno

Today, the 8 year old that I babysit every week told me that it was sad that I didn't have a boyfriend while he has a girlfriend. I got burned by a 3rd grader. FML

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By this guy - United States - Alhambra

Today, I got rejected by a girl I wasn't even trying to ask out. FML

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By Lyle - 13/12/2020 01:07 - United Kingdom

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, after my father in law upset my 6-year-old son by telling him creating a world in Minecraft is a sin, because only god is allowed to create worlds so all Minecraft players will burn in hell one day, it's been 5 days since he's slept right because he’s scared the Devil will burn him if he falls asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Apex

Today, while bussing at my restaurant job, I felt a cold, wet animal slither down my leg. I started shrieking loudly and dancing dementedly to get it off, and everyone in the restaurant turned to stare. Then I realized there was a hole in my pocket and some quarters had slid out down my leg. FML

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By bellsucker - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was rotated to the graveyard shift at my job. My only co-worker is a twenty-something Paris Hilton wannabe who won't shut up about her belief that she's the reincarnation of Whitney Houston. FML

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By melean - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

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By noooooo - United States - Bainbridge

Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML

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By Lorky - United States

There goes the neighborhood

Today, I received an email from the office of the apartment complex I moved into two months ago. Apparently, a woman a few apartments down from mine was murdered. Time to pack. FML

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By latino - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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By distressed - Australia

Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked up my 3 friends from a party. One of them drank too much and claimed she needed to throw up. I pulled over multiple times so she could. It didn't happen until we were right in front of her house and still inside my car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I flew 1800 km with my two small children to a remote northern village for work. Our bags were lost, leaving us without winter gear and only one change of clothes. Just to make things extra fun, we now all have uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. FML

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By Brandon - United States

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

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By Busted - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend since I believed him to be cheating on me with another woman, something he adamantly denied. I went to his house to get all my stuff back. After I left, I discovered a silk thong that definitely did not belong to me, in amongst my clothes. FML

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By laundry day again... - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, who has frequent night terrors, also sleepwalks. And apparently sleep-pisses on the bathroom rug. FML

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By HellisLikeTheDMV - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

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Top comments

By bluecat_fml | 0

#1434606 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:12

grandma humor, never gets old :P

By Mylees | 0

#1434616 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:13

gotta love grandmas and their craziness

COMMENTS

By kruzito | 0

#1434567 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:02

idiot

By nycy | 0

#1434585 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:08

third omg so close

By bluecat_fml | 0

#1434606 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:12

grandma humor, never gets old :P

kayladance101 | 13

#1435064 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 12:29

ok i know im gonna get screamed at...butwhat are rosary beads? :/ (please dont yell)

pandemic_fml | 0

#1435178 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 13:01

Google it.

By Mylees | 0

#1434616 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:13

gotta love grandmas and their craziness

By SuicidalxDream | 0

#1434618 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:14

 win

By raemermaid | 2

#1434629 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:16

grannies are so much fun lol

sammiller4 | 3

#1434679 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:32

lmao old people crack me up

By BeeHappy_fml | 0

#1434631 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:17

HAHAHA xD

By goldendoodle95 | 0

#1434644 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:24

grandmothers crack me up they're hilarious

By Frenchtony | 17

#1434646 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:24

How mean :O

By H8rSk8r | 0

#1434648 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 9:24

Or give her a Red Bull and tell her to start flying! Oh. Wait..