Today, my grandmother gave me a sex talk on how I should take... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/2/2010 10:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother gave me a sex talk on how I should take "precautions", right in the middle of a packed bus station. I'm 21. FML

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You snooze, you lose

Peaky Bladders

Time for the ER

By Ella - 24/7/2009 02:26 - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

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By emma209 - 24/1/2012 18:07 - Canada

Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2015 05:49 - United States - San Jose

Today, my mom kissed me goodbye before I went to a big job interview. I got weird looks on the way there, but I figured it was just because I look like a massive douche in formal wear. Turns out my mom had smeared lipstick all over my chin. The person who finally let me know was my interviewer. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2016 07:16 - United States - Roscoe

Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML

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By Getmeout - 31/5/2012 06:50 - United States - Hartfield

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

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By beachbum - 27/2/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my buddy. Messing around, he swam up behind me and dunked me under the water. Naturally, moments later I swam behind him, grabbed both his ankles and stood up, flipping him completely, only to see him watching me from a few feet away. I flipped a 70 year old man. FML

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By Noname - 18/3/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture. I heard a whisper say "Rise and shine sleeping beauty." I thought it was my boyfriend, so i responded "Baby, what time is it? When is this F*ing class going to be over!?" it wasnt my boyfriend talking, it was my teacher. FML

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By David Wicker - 9/9/2020 08:02

Laughs in socialized healthcare

Today, I sleep on the floor every night because my cat has punctured three air mattresses. I was going to get a real bed with my stimulus check, but I broke my leg and had to pay for the doctor's bill. FML

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By Trey Wipperfurth-Eisner - 13/6/2019 05:15

Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I was on a plane with my grandma. A cute guy sat down next to her. She asked his age. He told her he was 16. She said, "Oh, that's how old my granddaughter here is." She then turned to me and said loudly, "You should switch seats with me, he's HOT!" Well, at least Grandma loves me. FML

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By anonymous - 13/7/2015 09:45 - China - Shanghai

Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML

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By "refines" - 23/9/2017 16:00

Today, I woke up to my living room covered in 8 cm of water. My $2k computer was on that floor. FML

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By Angelofkarma - 25/5/2009 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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By twoheadedboy - 6/5/2009 20:46 - Canada

Today, I got industrial toilet cleaner in my eyes. Despite the raging fire party going on behind my eyelids, I resisted the urge to stop, drop, and roll, and calmly got in the shower to wash it off. Wherein I promptly slipped, fell, and whacked my head full-force on the bathtub on the way down. FML

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By nanall - 4/6/2012 07:19 - United States

Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML

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By Ihavethickthighs - 7/9/2017 16:00

Today, and for the past week, my boyfriend joined me on my walks. He's recently gotten into photography and is now intent on tracking down a rare bird that he never sees but always hears. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's the sound of my thighs rubbing together. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2014 00:14 - New Zealand - Napier

Today, a guy asked for my number at the grocery store, but I politely told him I wasn't interested. He followed me home and took a shit on my doorstep. FML

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By lion2294 - 5/3/2015 09:19 - United States - Laingsburg

Today, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't stop looking at my phone while working. I work in the back room, and there is no clock in there. I look at my phone to check the time. That way I know how long I have left in that hellhole. FML

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By Evil_Egbert - 12/2/2009 11:54 - Netherlands

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 03:50 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

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By thathurt - 1/1/2012 00:51 - United States

Today, while shopping at Wal-Mart, a guy grabbed my butt. When I turned around to slap him, he shook his head, said "Nice ass but such an ugly face", then walked away. I've never been told I'm ugly before. FML

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By Sad Nerd - 2/4/2014 08:20 - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

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By levi69 - 18/5/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

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By Tucker - 8/2/2010 19:29 - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover from last night. Last night, I snuck out and went to a party at a club. To hide my hangover, I cleaned myself up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother looked at me and said, "What's that on your wrist?" I'd forgotten I'd left the wristband on from the club. I'm already grounded. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2016 20:44 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML

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By dayum - 10/12/2009 21:03 - Mexico

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

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By yourclotheslookgay - 25/3/2016 16:00 - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my mum visited. Even though I live under my own roof now, I caught her continuing her old habit of throwing out any clothes she thinks make me look "gay". FML

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By Luisa - 9/1/2020 01:00

Lunch Special

Today, we have nearly no food in the house. My husband went shopping with the kids and returned with a sack of tomatoes. Time to make lunch. FML

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By clumsy - 26/11/2015 05:35 - United States - Warrenton

Today, I realized why "Stay off the grass" signs were all over campus. I cut through the grass on my way to my next class and tripped over a sprinkler head, breaking it off and soaking myself in muddy water. I had to sit through a 4-hour lecture with wet, muddy clothes. FML

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By badhabit - 31/5/2019 22:00

Today, I went out with my ex-girlfriend, with whom I have a good friendship with and am in fact still in love. I picked her up at her house and we had a perfect night together that ended with sex in my car. As I dropped her off, she turned to me and said, "I hope you know we're just friends." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2012 19:50 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he had to move away to be with his dad, who's just been diagnosed with cancer. After talking to his sister, I discovered that not only is his dad healthy, he's not moving away either; he's just gotten back with his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2016 12:06

Today, my sister, who has "borrowed" almost nine hundred dollars from me over the last few months, told me I was pathetic for not having my driver's license yet and that I "wasn't normal". I was saving that money for my driving lessons. FML

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By StupidDentist - 20/6/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist to get a filling. Instead of giving me Novocaine, my dentist decided he was going to use a special new paste on me while he drilled. It didn't work. FML

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By Roxy19 - 22/1/2013 06:50 - United States - San Diego

Today, while at the gym, my boyfriend wouldn't stop texting me. I was confident enough to text while on the treadmill. Bad idea: I hit myself on the bar and tripped in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 14:55 - United States

Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML

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By gerbilmaster - 9/7/2015 21:12 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

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By NewTenant - 20/6/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 20:00

News to me

Today, my dad told me he liked men. While he was making a drunken speech. At my wedding. FML

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Top comments

By buttshapedfruit | 0

#858411 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:42

haha!! grandmas... u gtta love em xD lmao

By HeeeB21 | 0

#858485 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:52

u should of ask her if they still swallowed back then, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't talk anymore about it

COMMENTS

By sasonzal | 4

#858387 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:38

suck 2 be u

Reply

ImRawrtastic | 0

#858416 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:43

grandma knows alot..

Reply

kooner55 | 0

#858441 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:45

I agree. that's nastayyy

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#858515 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:58

Probably no one else was listening. And if they were, eh. Almost everyone has had some awkward variation of "the talk" with a relative.

Ask grams for advice on positions, thrust strength, threesome etiquette, etc. She'll either stop talking about or give you great advice. Either way, she and all the people at the station will think her grandson is the man.

Reply

aDerangedStateOf | 0

#858583 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:15

I've never had the sex talk, hell my family doesnt even think ill ever get any. Consider yourself ahead of the game pal.

Reply

Drewster2010 | 0

#858587 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:16

what joy

Reply

xXSc3n1cXx | 0

#858602 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:18

grandma musta got knocked up at 16.

Reply

Zigma_fml | 0

#858777 - Monday 15 February 2010 18:13

Why did she do that? Did she think you'd suddenly decide to have an orgy with all of the passengers?

Reply

brianred5 | 0

#858960 - Monday 15 February 2010 19:21

well better late then never

Reply

KadiPips | 0

#859071 - Monday 15 February 2010 20:07

I'm here to help young ladie
he's a ass and exploit it to eeryone u know

Reply

thor89 | 0

#859135 - Monday 15 February 2010 20:21

G.I.L.F

Eeeewwww:(

Reply

AngryNinja | 1

#859296 - Monday 15 February 2010 21:01

you should've been like 'too late, grandma'. the rest if the bus riders would've laughed and it would have been less awkward

Reply

majones | 0

#859709 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 0:15

the meat bus station

Reply

joshy_boy | 0

#861146 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 7:40

your hot

By Rickityraou | 0

#858400 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:40

ok great

By mikeyceroooo | 0

#858403 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:41

balls...
kinda weird..
but grandma for the win!

By buttshapedfruit | 0

#858411 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:42

haha!! grandmas... u gtta love em xD lmao

Reply

DanceGirl01 | 0

#860734 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 4:53

ahahahah nice!! that made my day hahah.

By japs96 | 0

#858413 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:43

hahaha. that sucks dude

By Starfire22 | 5

#858421 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:43

wow, pretty akward!

By xxjona777xx | 0

#858426 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:44

YDI for being at bus stop with u grandma.. be nice and pay for a cab

By xundria | 5

#858449 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:47

Grandma is experienced in life and full of wisdom, heed her words wisely!!

By KurouTenshi | 0

#858465 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:49

At least you got the talk :D some people just get condoms for their 16th birthday and a deaththreat saying I better not make grandkids......I mean......yeah...

Reply

blackllama | 0

#858686 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:44

Lol

Reply

helo2 | 0

#860867 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 5:37

ha!

By CallMeHush | 0

#858468 - Monday 15 February 2010 16:50

Granny thinks you have a chance at getting laid ROFL!