Miscellaneous: Today, my grandma gave me a gift (something she has never done... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 218

You deserved it 56

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 1 028

04/05/2009 12:35

Today, my grandma gave me a gift (something she has never done before). I was so excited until I found out it was one of her overdue library books on dolphins. I feel so loved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 748

You deserved it 3 114

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Best teeth in the game

You tried

03/05/2009 13:44

Today, I was driving to the grocery store with my 7 year-old son. When I was approaching a stop sign, I look next to me and see a guy with a triangle shaped head. I tell my son "Look at the guy with the triangle head." My window was open. So was his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 797

You deserved it 72 523

19/08/2010 10:01

Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 672

You deserved it 4 549

04/07/2009 04:49

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 678

You deserved it 13 864

21/07/2019 16:15

Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 961

You deserved it 78

04/02/2012 02:48

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 661

You deserved it 11 846

18/02/2009 08:35

Today, I let my friend who is in 'beauty school' do my hair. I now look like i have a mullet. What was supposed to be auburn highlights is now hot pink. I have a job interview in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 681

You deserved it 36 887

16/02/2016 13:49

Today, I came out of the closet, after years of fear and shame, thanks to my mom making me to go to a church full of fundies my whole life. In the end, I was in tears. All I got was a frown and a "So? Want a medal or something?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 752

You deserved it 3 753

Parental advice

By ifeeldirty - 27/10/2011 12:22

Spicy

Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 961

You deserved it 8 834

05/10/2011 04:16

Today, I went to the movies on a date. I went to pay for the tickets when I realized that I didn't have my wallet. Instead of my boyfriend paying, he laughed and paid for his own ticket. Then he went ahead and saw the movie without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 245

You deserved it 7 513

10/01/2014 02:45

Today, my parents used my going away party as a cover up for my sister's surprise party. I didn't know until they brought out the cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 273

You deserved it 3 345

19/08/2013 04:30

Today, I found out that apparently I'm in Miami. I am also enjoying a five-star hotel and all of its services. Only one problem: I'm still here, stuck in a small suburban town. F*ck identity theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 593

You deserved it 3 140

30/12/2010 09:39

Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 056

You deserved it 4 618

17/05/2012 20:14

Today, as part of my medical anatomy course, I had to give a presentation about an STD and the effects it has on women. The class was comprised almost entirely of girls. I become extremely anxious and accidentally stated "Vaginas are smelly" as my opening statement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 648

You deserved it 29 162

The disrespect!

By squeezable - 19/06/2009 17:48

Today, a little girl standing next to me on the train suddenly hugged me. I thought maybe she was sad or I reminded her of someone, and hugged her back. Then she smiled, squeezed my love handles, and said, "Honk, honk!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 348

You deserved it 6 792

05/05/2011 02:38

Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, she thought I was prank calling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 672

You deserved it 3 585

25/09/2009 00:11

Today, I got a phone call for a interview at Target at 4:30 pm. I got super excited, so I got dressed up and headed over there. I tell the manager that I am there for my interview. He doesn't know what I'm talking about. My friends had prank called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 784

You deserved it 3 541

20/07/2011 07:55

Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 886

You deserved it 3 327

20/08/2012 13:25

Today, a stranger came up to me with a flirty smile, greeted me by my name, and asked if I remembered him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember, so I asked him to tell me. He promptly left with a disappointed look. He was the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 731

You deserved it 7 642

09/09/2011 23:18

Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 237

You deserved it 6 860

25/02/2018 18:30

Today, I walked into a public restroom and, to my utter surprise, saw a lady squeezing blood out of used tampons. We made eye contact, she continued, and I ran out in horror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 592

You deserved it 294

14/05/2013 19:11

Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds have made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 680

You deserved it 3 528

04/09/2018 18:30

Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long, boring paper assignment my Lit professor gave us. Right after saying "that woman needs to get laid" I heard hysterical laughing behind me. I turned. Hello professor, just on my way to drop the course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 225

You deserved it 3 009

20/01/2009 21:06

Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 403

You deserved it 24 360

05/08/2015 14:06

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 880

You deserved it 4 982

28/11/2011 01:07

Today, my mom went through my textbook and sharpied everything that could be "pornographic." It's a high-school biology textbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 786

You deserved it 2 052

17/08/2016 07:54

Today, I spent nearly seven hours clearing out our storage room in order to transform it into my art studio. Things were going great until I tweaked my back. At least from my stationary position in bed I have a perfect view of the table I can't work at for the next 2 to 4 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 115

You deserved it 1 358

20/04/2013 01:16

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by egging by some bastard riding a segway. He still got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 946

You deserved it 9 259

24/02/2011 06:29

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 496

You deserved it 9 450

19/01/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend came over, drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pissed in my sink. I broke up with her and went out with friends. I met a woman and brought her home to watch a movie. She drank a bottle of wine and puked on my couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 3 678

Midlife crisis

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 20:04

Today, the woman I've been dating for a while told me she wants to, "go back to day one of the relationship and just be friends first," but doesn’t want to break up or lose me, all because she’s having a midlife crisis. I was going to propose to her next month, I've already bought the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 84

14/01/2009 11:06

Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast, the same one I've been going to for over 6 months now. At the counter the same lil' cook guy who's served me over those same 6 months, looks at me and says, "Yes, Ms?". I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 590

You deserved it 2 670

06/02/2009 21:24

Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 458

You deserved it 2 362

07/08/2012 01:40

Today, my mom called me screaming and cussing because she found pot in my room. I come home and my dad says, "I hid some pot in your room and I'm not letting you go to that concert if you rat me out." My dad is apparently a blackmailing 52-year-old stoner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 094

You deserved it 2 171

01/08/2010 04:23

Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 652

You deserved it 13 269

Uber sister

By Aerogal - 30/11/2020 17:01

Today, I took my sister to the airport, after she asked me to a week ago. Five minutes into the ride, she told me she wasn’t going to the one 20 minutes away, but the one an hour away instead and gave me no gas money. FM

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 155

Pills, thrills and bellyaches

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 20:00

Today, I came home from surgery to remove my tonsils. It's a much better surgery to have as a kid, because when you get older it's much more painful. I didn't know my mom liked pain killers. I do now, because I have none left and I haven't even taken any yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 80

07/11/2010 20:34

Today, my manager informed me that I will not be completing my job training because I'll be transferring to a different store, and if they want me to work there, that's their problem. Today, I also found out that the new store will not accept me as a transfer unless I've already been trained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 295

You deserved it 2 422

12/07/2012 18:28

Today, I walked too close to a first-aid kit sticking out of a wall at work, and it cut my arm. Laughing at the irony, I opened it to get a band aid out. It was empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 790

You deserved it 2 804

17/07/2013 20:27

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend guilted me into roleplaying as Justin Bieber before and during sex. I now feel physically ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 038

You deserved it 24 175

21/11/2013 16:10

Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 526

You deserved it 13 981

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:55

maybe she doesn't like you because you use usernames like "hawtpinkpanties"?

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:40

Maybe she just has no clue of the value of books, in her own world she could be giving you a car... Naw she just hates you

Comments

fmlsmymiddlename 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:29

Hahaaa nice :) FIRST

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Saturday 2 April 2011 21:15

LOL

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:33

loser.

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Thursday 14 April 2011 6:25

one of..... how many overdue library books on dolphins does she have??? lol

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:34

Aren't old people great?

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:36

dont be ungrateful!

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:38

Assuming she's senile (or has some other old-person disease), it's nice she wanted to give you a gift, even if no normal person would perceive it as a gift.

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:38

I don't get anything from my grandma so don't complain D:

foxychik10704 17

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Thursday 18 July 2013 7:24

I don't have any grandparents so don't complain.

xkeepitoriginal 1

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:39

gotta love the elderly.

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:40

Maybe she just has no clue of the value of books, in her own world she could be giving you a car... Naw she just hates you

fatfaceunited 0

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:44

At least it was about dolphins. I mean dolphins are the coolest creatures ever!!!! you can probably learn a lot from the book

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Monday 4 May 2009 20:45

Maybe she forgot it wasn't hers? Perhaps the sentiment was to give you a book, unfortunately she didn't check first? Sorry!