Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend woke up, and half-asleep, muttered: "What...

By Juju Bear - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend woke up, and half-asleep, muttered: "What time is it? Did the neighbours start drilling again?" I'll try harder to keep my farts in from now on. FML

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Miscellaneous

Commando

Rock, hard place

Dog whisperer

By PainStressLife - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By smurfette7413 - 13/10/2020 05:01

Monster couch

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a little fun when the pull-out couch decided to try to eat us. Now I have a broken nose and my boyfriend keeps making jokes about the "human eating couch." FML

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995

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149

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By idkmybffjill? - United States

Today, I was pestering a co-worker, so she jokingly stated "I'll bury you!" and I replied "I'll bury your mom!". Her moms funeral was last week. FML

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15535

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By thankful

Today, I was tripped downstairs as a "joke" by my little brother. When I was yelling in pain from my broken arm, my mom was lecturing me to be thankful "one goddamn day a year". She also thinks I'm lying just to hide that I'm clumsy and my brother is innocent. He won't admit it. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

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3133

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172

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By peoplesuck - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently I feel asleep with my headphones as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

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67973

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By Blueberry - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was showering at my dorm. I had my clothes locked in a locker and my towel and robe hanging outside the stall. Someone took off with my towel and robe, which had my keys. I had to walk down three flights of stairs to get an extra key in nothing but a plastic shower curtain. FML

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25033

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By Z'ev - United States - New York

Today, I went to get my car fixed. There was a vending machine in the waiting room, and I was hungry. The snacks were overpriced, but I still had a little money left over. I noticed a bag of Cheetos hanging loose, so I paid for them, hoping to get two bags. They both got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40363

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By So little trust. - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

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52352

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By jj159 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML

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30000

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By leela - United States

Today, a group of guys came into my restaurant, dressed up in some kind of role-playing game clothing. Apparently I pronounced one of their fake elf names wrong, because the guy complained to my manager, who then bitched me out in front of everyone for upsetting the customers. FML

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By NoMeatFail - Canada

Today, I was eating Campbell's vegetable soup. Halfway through, I started to read the ingredients and found beef broth. I have been a vegetarian for seven years. FML

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16894

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By Old? - United States

Today, a student of mine used the phrase "well, you know, like back in your day" about defining "going out". I'm only 24. FML

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25645

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By SFBEL - Belgium - Leuven

Today, after being a resident DJ at a local club for over 4 years, I got fired. Not because I'm bad at what I do, but because my boss thinks I'm not 'having fun like the other DJs'. And by 'having fun' he means that I don't drink enough. I got fired for not being an alcoholic. FML

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32573

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By caryl101698 - United States - Medford

Today, after spending $850 on having our siding, roof and windows powerwashed, a 5-minute storm blew the siding clear off the house. FML

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13547

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By oldtimerclark - United States

Today, I was talking to my only grandson about how I was going to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and how it was going to cost a lot of money, he replied saying "Who cares, you're going to die soon anyways". FML

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67493

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By beurk - France - Paris

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

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30792

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By nothesisforme - France

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

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36886

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By me - United States - Floresville

Today, my 6-year-old daughter walked into the bathroom where I was grumbling about my weight. Seeing how upset I was, she took my hand and said, "Mom, you're not fat. You just look fat." FML

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52432

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By Upset Mommy - United States

Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML

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52831

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By AkaiKitsune

Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML

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3822

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By Anonymous

Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML

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1504

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133

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By burritobreasts

Today, I woke up to my roommate trying to put a burrito and a pack of mild sauce in between my boobs. He's only lived here for two weeks, and this is the second time I've woken up to him doing something like this. FML

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44038

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was backing out of the my work's parking lot, I hit my boss's truck. While he was in it. FML

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11792

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By uglyorstupid - Croatia

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a restaurant with a few other couples, and my boyfriend started to rant on how "all the hot chicks are dumb." Apparently, I'm either ugly or stupid. FML

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34192

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By Anonymous

Today, I sneezed without knowing I had a nosebleed. Despite turning my head, a fine blood spray shot out all over my fiancée’s white dress as we were standing at the altar. She refused to say “I do” because she was so mad. FML

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4947

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532

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By I_Am_The_Edge - United States

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

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68567

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend texted one of her male friends, saying she's turned off by the thought of sex with me. She suggested a bit of "exercise sex" with him. I'm sure he would have eagerly agreed, if he'd been the one receiving the texts. FML

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40773

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By yayme. - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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64147

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me to stuff my bra before going to a party with him and his friends because he didn't want to be embarrassed. FML

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42444

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By Jimbo - United States

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36243

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By ulrika - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18809

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By M2thaM - United States

Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12565

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By Chard of Glass - Canada - Marystown

Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11575

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1155

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By noname1025 - United States - Lamar

Today, I realized my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately, so to show him how much I care, I got a tattoo with his name on it. He hates it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8578

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By Username - France

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28611

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By fml - United States - Huntsville

Really!

Today, after receiving our marriage certificate, I told my wife about it. She responded with "fml". FML

I agree, your life sucks

1736

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222

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By farrahfarrest_ - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54551

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By blehh - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34225

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate on the bathroom floor. Somehow my nose managed to start bleeding, so he bent me over the tub and kept going because he didn't want to "ruin the moment". FML

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59607

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By Anonymous - United States - Winter Springs

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#6554868 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 17:55

You really blew her away

By raaron773 | 19

#6554867 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 17:55

Wow

COMMENTS

By raaron773 | 19

#6554867 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 17:55

Wow

By WCARlover | 34

#6554868 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 17:55

You really blew her away

By llamadramas | 20

#6554870 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 17:57

i must say pretty impressive

By football98_fml | 20

#6554876 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:02

What a sweetheart

By walid820014 | 20

#6554879 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:04

No comment.

Tripartita | 44

#6554882 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:09

*Vapid comment.

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6554912 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 19:41

This guy never seems to have any valid input to the comment sections

By Subcontinent | 14

#6554881 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:07

Well at least she didn't do what my boyfriend did and roll over in the middle of the night to say "Please don't eat the children" before dropping off again...

By LittlePengy | 22

#6554883 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:10

at least you had to the chance to not let her know it was you :D

By lamaginger | 9

#6554889 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:31

That's honestly cute lol

By tumtum888 | 12

#6554895 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:48

DAAAAMN. You fart like a drill? I'm jealous. Mine sound like a stalling truck

By moo77_fml | 20

#6554909 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 19:39

Still laughing out load.. After 5 mins of reading this message.. Only cos it's happened to me.. But it was the hubby asking!!! Darn those sprouts lol