Miscellaneous: Today, my girlfriend woke up, and half-asleep, muttered: "What...

By Juju Bear - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend woke up, and half-asleep, muttered: "What time is it? Did the neighbours start drilling again?" I'll try harder to keep my farts in from now on. FML

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Miscellaneous

Own it

Life imitates art

My man

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I had fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

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By AGluckily - United States

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

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By Anonymous

He's probably right

Today, I found out that my boyfriend thinks brushing his teeth is unnecessary, because, "the world is going to end because of climate change anyway." FML

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By 0867142 - Canada

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

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34920

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincoln

Today, I began taking a French language class. After completing and submitting some homework, I got a response. A response that was completely in French. I can't understand shit. FML

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22019

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By qwerty - United States

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

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By lip - France

Today, I was jerking off in the train washroom when the ticket inspector knocked at the door. I was nearly done so I didn't open right away. I didn't think he would have the key…I found myself face to face with him and three other passengers. The worst being I didn't have a ticket. FML

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By Megan Snair

Today, my cat threw up on the floor while I was taking a nap. I woke up, still groggy from the nap, and walked over to the bathroom. Not only did I slip on the vomit, spreading it all over the floor and myself, I think I somehow broke a toe in the process. FML

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1478

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 14:02

Sewer monster

Today, I realized my morbidly obese sibling's favorite bathroom to use is whichever one is closest to me during the day. Three floors of living space and the monster wants to drop a nuke where the odors are certain to waft to my nose three times a day. Every. Single. Day. FML

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1580

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By divorcee - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I got back to work. Last week, my divorce was finalized and my last name is, once again, my maiden name. Since I'm a teacher, all my students will remember me by my ex-husband's last name. I get to be reminded every day that my marriage failed until everyone memorizes my maiden name. FML

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By whorica139 - United States

Today, I told my friend over videochat every explicit detail of what I had in store for my boyfriend later on in the day. I only realized afterwards that her whispering during the story was her way of trying to tell me her dad was in the room listening to the whole thing. FML

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By nonexistant - Canada

Today, while I was at a business supply store, I decided to get my old paper birth certificate laminated so it wouldn't deteriorate further. The people working decided to wait until after it was done and I had paid to tell me that laminating a birth certificate voids it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was meeting my husband's old friends at his 20 year high school reunion. He introduced me as his 'friend from work' to his ex girlfriend. FML

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44465

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By fuck Star Wars!

In a galaxy far, far away

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a massive argument. I suggested we have a movie night. He suggested an all day/night Star Wars marathon. I’d be OK, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve done that at least five times in the last two months. He says I’m the one being unfair. FML

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1696

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By lois2lane - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

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12936

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By forever alone - Trinidad and Tobago - San Fernando

Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML

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14687

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By lolatmylife - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me pictures of him and his family on their trip in Florida. He accidentally included a picture of a girl sleeping in his bed, naked. FML

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55774

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By Nile - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

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30775

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By wtfman101 - United States

Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML

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54925

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By FUSMC - United States

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

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62532

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By Anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I got back home from work and casually asked my dad "What's up?" He casually replied: "Wishing I'd had a son instead." and stared glassy-eyed at me until I left the room. FML

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36919

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By J.O.S - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

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27521

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By Jennifer Sara Harms

Today, I made a 6-hour trip just to go to the wrong art festival. I have to go back and make the same trip again tomorrow. FML

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1073

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By TheoBuckner - United States

Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML

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29844

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By StantheMan93 - United States - Perrysburg

Today, my wife's boyfriend learned that you can't flush condoms. FML

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50949

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3570

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By notinterested - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

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34226

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By singlesoon - Canada

Today, I bailed my soon to be ex-husband out of jail after he'd been arrested for soliciting. Soliciting an undercover cop. FML

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40648

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By pmek - Australia - Collingwood

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

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32332

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By edot - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

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32351

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

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21196

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By This girl - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. It wasn't all that embarrassing, until I walked two more feet and slipped again. The second time, a man pulled over and loudly asked if I was drunk. FML

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29251

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By Dannnn - 10/6/2021 10:59

Tricked

Today, I met a super gorgeous girl at the bar. We laughed together over drinks and it was all perfect, until she told me she wasn’t from this town. We hugged goodbye and she left. When I went to pay our tab, I realized I’d been pickpocketed by her. FML

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936

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155

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By DevilsTemptation - United Kingdom - Dundee

Drunken antics

Today, my dad got extremely drunk, so I took away his car keys and left on foot. When I came back, I saw that he had broken down my door. Now my dad is mad at me for not giving him the keys when he was drunk, and I'm door-less. FML

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1670

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By vstan - United States

Today, I swerved off the road and hit a tree in order to avoid hitting a dog that came out of nowhere. Don't worry, I didn't hit him. The person behind me did, though. FML

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39375

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

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69042

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By ElamentalAngel - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer. He was annoying me as he kept on pressing all the buttons. To scare him off I did a creepy voice in his ear that makes him cry. He turned round and broke my nose. FML

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17294

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By ferrarismyname - United States

Today, I was sitting shotgun in the car. A huge bug came inside, and everyone began to freak out so naturally I began to swat at it. I got the fly, but I also cracked the windshield. I paid $229 to kill a bug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38489

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 16:58

Two rooms, two atmospheres

Today, I tried to cook a nice meal for my sister's friends. It turned out perfect and they enjoyed it, while I was in the bathroom throwing up for two hours due to food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

703

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127

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By TaffyMichele - United States - La Verne

Today, my boyfriend told me to text him when I got home to let him know I'd made it home safe. He said if I didn't, he'd assume that aliens had abducted me and that he'd get a new girlfriend. He was completely serious. FML

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22965

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By Gee... Thanks

Today, while my orthodontist was working on my teeth, she made the comment, "Wow! It looks like a murder scene in there!" FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#6554868 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 17:55

You really blew her away

By raaron773 | 19

#6554867 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 17:55

Wow

COMMENTS

By raaron773 | 19

#6554867 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 17:55

Wow

By WCARlover | 34

#6554868 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 17:55

You really blew her away

By llamadramas | 20

#6554870 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 17:57

i must say pretty impressive

By football98_fml | 20

#6554876 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:02

What a sweetheart

By walid820014 | 20

#6554879 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:04

No comment.

Tripartita | 44

#6554882 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:09

*Vapid comment.

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6554912 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 19:41

This guy never seems to have any valid input to the comment sections

By Subcontinent | 14

#6554881 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:07

Well at least she didn't do what my boyfriend did and roll over in the middle of the night to say "Please don't eat the children" before dropping off again...

By LittlePengy | 22

#6554883 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:10

at least you had to the chance to not let her know it was you :D

By lamaginger | 9

#6554889 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:31

That's honestly cute lol

By tumtum888 | 12

#6554895 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 18:48

DAAAAMN. You fart like a drill? I'm jealous. Mine sound like a stalling truck

By moo77_fml | 20

#6554909 - Tuesday 8 March 2016 19:39

Still laughing out load.. After 5 mins of reading this message.. Only cos it's happened to me.. But it was the hubby asking!!! Darn those sprouts lol