Love: Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

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Out of it

Are you experienced?

Don't give up

By ... - United States

Today, I wrote a text to the guy I've had a crush on for two years. I typed "hey" and put my phone down, not ready to send it. A little while later, I heard it buzz. The reply said "Um... what?" Apparently my sister had added "I'm a shitty prostitute" to my text and sent it. FML

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By iworkatofficedepothomes - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, a customer came into our store and asked if we sold "child-sized coffins". This isn't even the weirdest question I've been asked. FML

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By Danger Dave - 21/12/2020 04:58

Panic

Today, it's been almost 24 hours since my wife bent down and couldn't get back up. After laying in bed all day in agony with a bad back, an ambulance was called. She still currently can't stand in the hospital. I have two kids to look after and am supposed to be in work tomorrow. I have no idea what to do. FML

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By owwthatfarts - United States - Worcester

Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my parents made a game out of deliberately walking in when I'm trying to masturbate. They even turn on all the hot water taps when I'm trying to do it in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man from across the bar looked at me, pointed and said "MMMM, now THAT'S what I want." Offended, I confronted him to tell him I felt disrespected by him referring to me as 'that.' Turns out, he was pointing to the cheeseburger that the waitress behind me was holding. FML

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By what sex life? - United States - Nashville

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

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By AccidentalFlasher - Canada - Thornhill

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

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By juliestrawsky

Today, I was paid to be in a commercial, playing a hiker, camping and grilling by a tent with my pretend boyfriend. To make our on-camera interaction more believable, I suggested to him, "Hey, I'm gonna feed you some food, into your mouth." His answer, "Naaah, I'm good." I got rejected on a FAKE date. FML

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By bunnyyy - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. You would think he could at least spell my name right while ending our relationship. FML

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By cb - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I have to spend the whole day in a moving truck with my dad. He had beans for dinner, and it's too cold to crack open a window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I realized I apologize too often as I said I was sorry to my boyfriend as he broke up with me. I apologized for being sad and making him feel bad. FML

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By dumbass - United States

Today, I sprained my ankle trying to prove that I can walk in high heels. FML

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By

Touched for the very first time

Today, I went to a new doctor. She asked me how long I had been sexually active. I said I'm not. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I found my diary on my mother's nightstand. Bookmarked. FML

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By goodbye cruel world - United States - Salisbury

Today, I've been forced to start packing to go on a vacation with my parents, because they say I've been studying too hard and need a break. I've hardly studied at all and was planning on making up for it all in the time I had left before finals. I'm screwed. FML

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By lolzor - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

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By f

Today, I was attacked by my dad because I got my hair dyed and he thought I was a robber. FML

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By ken - Canada

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

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By lovekills99 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she had fantasies about throwing him out a window when he was a baby because she was so depressed and couldn't handle the stress. The worst part is he wants to get married. She'd be my mother-in-law. FML

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By Jakub89 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was a child is over to have coffee with my mother. She says that it's OK, because God wouldn't want her to turn away someone who has no family. FML

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By mommysgirlapparently - United States

Today, my mom was on my Facebook and saw a chick leave a nasty comment on my status. My mom commented back something awful and really bitchy. My mom still fights my fights for me. I'm 20. FML

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By really - United States

Today, my parents told me they don't think I'll ever find a boyfriend, and insist on referring to my future cats as their "grandkids". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

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By lesousterre - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, "Who are you?" Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I told my boss I'm going to quit, after months of being abused, doing meaningless work, and working late every day. I was soon given so many new projects that I didn't even have time to write my resignation letter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I got fired for having a visible tattoo on my neck. The tattoo in question is a scar from a surgery I had 2 months ago. The same one paid for by my employer's insurance and missed 2 weeks of work for. FML

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By Mike Messenger - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I am starting a new job. Only problem is, I haven't been told what my duties are, who my line manager is or who to ask if I need help. FML

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By ughhh123456789 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my old neighbor's bathroom, because he asked me to and I didn't want to be rude. Plus, I was getting paid. He told me to "get the floor pearly white." So I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed. Turns out the floor tiles are naturally a dull yellowish. I didn't get paid. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2020 08:58 - United States

Ties that bind

Today, I offered to give my ex a ride home from work. He and I ended on good terms years ago, we just aren't compatible with each other. I dropped him off and not ten seconds later, he came back out looking sick. His fiancee was inside having sex with MY new boyfriend. FML

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By Pokecousin

Today, I had to explain to my Pokemon-obsessed 6-year-old cousin that Albinos are not "Shiny People". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Round Lake

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for knowing more about Batman than he does. He's only seen some of the movies, and as a kid my dad owned a comic book store. He still doesn't see why I should know more, because I'm a girl, and "girls aren't supposed to know about super heroes." FML

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By yuck - United States

Today, I was in the basement at my grandma's house. The bathroom is on the ground floor and there's a laundry chute that goes down to the basement. I looked through the chute to see if the bathroom light was on. A pair of shitty underpants came down and landed in my face. They were my grandma's. FML

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By jodulieu - France

Today, I fell off my bike. I grazed my knee, shin, thigh, hip, collar bone, shoulder and face. I also strained my wrist. As I was wheeling my bike away, I stung my other leg on nettles. FML

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By Ihavealisp - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

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By shrek - United States - Chattanooga

Today, my mother and I were watching a movie. She got up to go to bed, and I blurted out, "Please don't leave me." Her response: "You really need a boyfriend." FML

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By unloved - United States

Today, my parents told me they were going out for dinner tonight. I jokingly responded "Sweet! I am totally having a keg party then!" My dad responded "Keg parties are only for kids who have friends." He was serious. FML

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Top comments

By addisonrose12 | 16

#6169278 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:20

What's the big deal?

By Wolfparable | 22

#6169293 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:22

I WAS gonna post something sympathetic then I noticed my picture... You're on your own man.

COMMENTS

By catmover | 7

#6169272 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:16

...

By voluptuous | 8

#6169275 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:18

Is there something im missing...?

By Erto | 17

#6169277 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:19

I looked at the comments in search of an explanation and realised there were none

By addisonrose12 | 16

#6169278 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:20

What's the big deal?

Reply

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#6169288 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:21

From the way I understand it, supposedly some people smother peanut butter on their genitals, and have a dog lick it off for sexual pleasure.

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#6169355 - Sunday 11 January 2015 10:05

I usually have peanut butter on toast for breakfast every morning. You may have just ruined my breakfast for at least the next week.

Reply

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#6169462 - Sunday 11 January 2015 14:16

I am terribly sorry if I ruined your meal, it was not the intended outcome.

Reply

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6169519 - Sunday 11 January 2015 14:58

#22 The Stig is coming around Gambon!

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6169580 - Sunday 11 January 2015 17:03

OOOOR… it's just funny give a dog a spoonful of peanut butter and watch him try to lick it off the roof of his mouth for an hour.

What's wrong with you people?

Reply

Awesomeaxel | 24

#6169601 - Sunday 11 January 2015 17:37

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By 604 | 11

#6169279 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:20

Too soon bro! Too soon.

Reply

howard007 | 18

#6169318 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:33

Her fault for linking peanut butter an dogs into sexual pleasure. Maybe shes had experienced it in the past?

By touch_the_sky_77 | 22

#6169289 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:22

Hah, say you were actually just going to surprise her with a puppy and you needed to bring up the subject.

By princesspeachxox | 18

#6169291 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:22

Is she allergic or like extremely traumatised by dogs? I think this might need a follow up explanation :p

Reply

Wolfparable | 22

#6169296 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:24

Miss I think it was the combination of dog + peanut butter that gross old joke

Reply

princesspeachxox | 18

#6169300 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:27

Oh wow I never would have thought of that haha

Reply

seemo82 | 19

#6169845 - Sunday 11 January 2015 20:52

and may i ask...what was that old joke ??

By Wolfparable | 22

#6169293 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:22

I WAS gonna post something sympathetic then I noticed my picture... You're on your own man.

Reply

duffy512pd | 9

#6169718 - Sunday 11 January 2015 19:27

What picture? Where?

By 19990231 | 29

#6169294 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:23

Someone is obviously a cat person.

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6169429 - Sunday 11 January 2015 12:24

Or she just has a really dirty mind.

By hurley12 | 30

#6169304 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:28

I don't see why she reacted that way?

Reply

igive | 29

#6169328 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:41

Then you don't have a dirty mind. Congrats!!

Reply

YupThatsMe1111 | 4

#6169622 - Sunday 11 January 2015 17:58

Some people associate peanut butter and dogs to the sick and gross thing about putting it all over your genitals and having it licked off for pleasure.

Reply

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#6169866 - Sunday 11 January 2015 21:15

that's not a normal association of dogs and peanutbutter where I'm from. not the first thing people usually mention when speaking of either of the two things. just saying

Reply

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#6169869 - Sunday 11 January 2015 21:18

dirtymind or not