Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind: "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

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Fairytale ending

In my day…

Hello everyone!

By ordinaryday - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

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By mando - Australia

Today, at work, I refused a customer a refund because there was nothing wrong with the item, and she didn't have the packaging. I then watched as she and her son rummaged through a public bin for the packaging. When I refused her again, she called me a "fucking idiot". FML

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By Bree - United States

Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

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By Anonymous

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

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By amiliaroberts123 - United States - Raphine

Today, I was babysitting, and we were playing a game. Because he was little, I let him win all the games. He then turned to me and said, "You're really bad at this." I got very defensive and won the next game, and was actually proud that I beat a 3-year-old. FML

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By wearyconsumer

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

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By Bug5992 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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By Disgruntled - United States - East Lansing

Today, my 2-year-old daughter started showing signs of understanding the potty training concept. She announced to my mother-in-law that she needed to go potty, only to be flatly told, "No, you don't." So she crapped herself. Now it's going to take forever to train her. FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - Canada - Port Perry

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By Chin... uh.... - United States - Phoenix

Today, I've learned two things. One, my Chinese cousins don't know much about the USA, and two, they now believe it's proper manners to shout, "FREEEEDOM" before ending a call with me. FML

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By littlemiss - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

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By Sunny - Canada - Ottawa

Today, every time I write the word "analyst," I can't help but giggle because it begins with "anal." I'm 24, and studying to be a conflict analyst. FML

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By SadManKillMeNow

Today, after deactivating my Facebook page 4 days ago for stalking reasons - as in me stalking my ex - I reactivated it for approximately 3 minutes to see what his status update was, then deactivated it again. I'm just THAT pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, it's my only day off work in a while. I told my boss I'd be available via phone in case of emergencies. So far I've been called three times: To ask how the fax works, to let me know it's a slow day, and to ask me where the letter R is on a keyboard. FML

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By Joey Soprano - 18/8/2020 02:06

Bad boys, bad boys…

Today, I went to the DMV today and sat in line for over 6 hours to renew my driver's license. Even though with the pandemic, it's been extended to New Year's Eve but I decided to get it done and over with. I get called up to finish everything, only to find out my license is suspended. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Grandville

Today, at the yacht club I work at a girl ordered a Portabella wrap. She asked for no cheese or veggies, just the Portabellas. After she got the sandwich and ate half of it, she sent it back saying she didn't know it had mushrooms in it. FML

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By nonbelieber - United States - Keenesburg

Today, my girlfriend started bawling, saying that our relationship wouldn't work. Why? Because if Justin and Selena can't do it, no one can. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me he took pictures of me while I was sleeping. Instead of it being all cute like you see on social media, there's me sleeping with his dirty-ass sock on my face and him smiling in the background. FML

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By lily_marleen - Germany - Emskirchen

Today, I had an outdoor meeting with some important clients. It wasn't until the meeting was over that my coworker decided to inform me that I had bird poop in my hair "pretty much the entire time." FML

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By stupid - Ireland

Today, I walked to school in -5 degree weather, snow up to ankles, for an exam. The school had closed and warned all the parents, but mine didn't tell me, because it was "funnier". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

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By Rowansgonnarow

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 20:00

Cute nickname

Today, my friend with benefits texted me to say that his roommate had heard us getting it on, and had gone on to nickname me 'Giggles'. FML

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By Staples - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally stapled my finger to a piece of paper. It hurt, but I took it out and went to restaple it. I did it again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a minor outpatient procedure that required sedation. I am not supposed to drive or even be alone for 24 hours. My husband wouldn't take the day off to go with me, and instead of coming home from work, he is at the bar with his coworkers. FML

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By carriageway - 31/1/2020 01:00 - United States - Newport News

After sleepover

Today, I was at a sleepover for a friend's birthday. It was great, but after sleeping on their pull out couch, I woke up with six pimples on my face and a rash on my back. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

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By Anonymous

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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By Oze - United States

Today, my roommate will fall asleep to Muppet Treasure Island. We sleep 3 feet away from each other and he has been doing this since Christmas. FML

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By Troy - United States

Today, I filled out a political survey for a psychology experiment. A really cute girl was doing it, too. We hit it off and flirted through the surveys, and I asked her out when it was done. Then I found out it was really an attraction experiment and she was in on it. She was acting. FML

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By Cantbreath94 - Canada

Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML

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By Creeped - United States

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

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By masterman - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

The devil is in the details

Today, after cancelling work, arguing with my family, scrambling to pack my bags, speeding to the airport and filling in immigration forms to fly out to have a much needed holiday, I wasn't allowed to check in. My passport has less than 6 months away from expiration on it. Yes, that's a thing, apparently. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally put down the wrong year for my university graduation, so when my prospective boss was checking my references he found no mention of my name in that year's list of graduates. He accused me of faking my qualifications and refused to hire me. It was a 6-figure salary. FML

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By All a hoax - 25/10/2020 20:05 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Don't know, don't care

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

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By hospital - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

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By nothappywithlife - United States

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

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By soaked - United States

Today, I stood for half an hour in the rain waiting for my bus. As I started to go inside, my bus turned around the corner and splashed water all over me. The bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus because I was soaking wet and I would "mess up the seats". FML

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Top comments

By addisonrose12 | 16

#6169278 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:20

What's the big deal?

By Wolfparable | 22

#6169293 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:22

I WAS gonna post something sympathetic then I noticed my picture... You're on your own man.

COMMENTS

By catmover | 7

#6169272 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:16

...

By voluptuous | 8

#6169275 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:18

Is there something im missing...?

By Erto | 17

#6169277 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:19

I looked at the comments in search of an explanation and realised there were none

By addisonrose12 | 16

#6169278 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:20

What's the big deal?

Reply

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#6169288 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:21

From the way I understand it, supposedly some people smother peanut butter on their genitals, and have a dog lick it off for sexual pleasure.

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#6169355 - Sunday 11 January 2015 10:05

I usually have peanut butter on toast for breakfast every morning. You may have just ruined my breakfast for at least the next week.

Reply

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#6169462 - Sunday 11 January 2015 14:16

I am terribly sorry if I ruined your meal, it was not the intended outcome.

Reply

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6169519 - Sunday 11 January 2015 14:58

#22 The Stig is coming around Gambon!

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6169580 - Sunday 11 January 2015 17:03

OOOOR… it's just funny give a dog a spoonful of peanut butter and watch him try to lick it off the roof of his mouth for an hour.

What's wrong with you people?

Reply

Awesomeaxel | 24

#6169601 - Sunday 11 January 2015 17:37

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By 604 | 11

#6169279 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:20

Too soon bro! Too soon.

Reply

howard007 | 18

#6169318 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:33

Her fault for linking peanut butter an dogs into sexual pleasure. Maybe shes had experienced it in the past?

By touch_the_sky_77 | 22

#6169289 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:22

Hah, say you were actually just going to surprise her with a puppy and you needed to bring up the subject.

By princesspeachxox | 18

#6169291 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:22

Is she allergic or like extremely traumatised by dogs? I think this might need a follow up explanation :p

Reply

Wolfparable | 22

#6169296 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:24

Miss I think it was the combination of dog + peanut butter that gross old joke

Reply

princesspeachxox | 18

#6169300 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:27

Oh wow I never would have thought of that haha

Reply

seemo82 | 19

#6169845 - Sunday 11 January 2015 20:52

and may i ask...what was that old joke ??

By Wolfparable | 22

#6169293 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:22

I WAS gonna post something sympathetic then I noticed my picture... You're on your own man.

Reply

duffy512pd | 9

#6169718 - Sunday 11 January 2015 19:27

What picture? Where?

By 19990231 | 29

#6169294 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:23

Someone is obviously a cat person.

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6169429 - Sunday 11 January 2015 12:24

Or she just has a really dirty mind.

By hurley12 | 30

#6169304 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:28

I don't see why she reacted that way?

Reply

igive | 28

#6169328 - Sunday 11 January 2015 9:41

Then you don't have a dirty mind. Congrats!!

Reply

YupThatsMe1111 | 4

#6169622 - Sunday 11 January 2015 17:58

Some people associate peanut butter and dogs to the sick and gross thing about putting it all over your genitals and having it licked off for pleasure.

Reply

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#6169866 - Sunday 11 January 2015 21:15

that's not a normal association of dogs and peanutbutter where I'm from. not the first thing people usually mention when speaking of either of the two things. just saying

Reply

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#6169869 - Sunday 11 January 2015 21:18

dirtymind or not