Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching... - FML

By Noname - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63813

You deserved it

338672

Tweet

Share

Hi mom!

Small town blues

Expanding universe

By lolowills

Today, I was complimented by my guests about the great of service I was giving them. They then left me a $2 tip on a $50 tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10253

You deserved it

1177

Tweet

Share

By Chumpee - United States - Akron

Today, after years busting my hump for my father's business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15677

You deserved it

929

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom tried to convince me to throw out my insulin shots because she read a chain email that claimed they "cause cancer". FML

I agree, your life sucks

20834

You deserved it

1194

Tweet

Share

By oh dear - France

Today, my daughter threw a can of hairspray into the fireplace because she saw someone do it on YouTube. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44199

You deserved it

5142

Tweet

Share

By rightinthekarma - Australia - Newcastle

Today, the girl I dumped three years ago because she wouldn't take my band seriously is now a successful and rich environmental scientist. Meanwhile, I'm still unemployed, living with my parents, and can barely remember how to play a guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12959

You deserved it

82298

Tweet

Share

By massage mama - United States - Hesperia

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school. Apparently, she told her teacher about the “special massages” mommy gives her. I’m a licensed massage therapist, and I massage my daughter with lavender to help her sleep. Now everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1913

You deserved it

143

Tweet

Share

By CombatShadow45 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43688

You deserved it

5416

Tweet

Share

By winnerwinner - United States

Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37667

You deserved it

6813

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48086

You deserved it

6258

Tweet

Share

By BroadcitySF - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was mugged while changing my tampon. The mugger took everything, including the fresh tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24428

You deserved it

1610

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I'm balding faster than my dad. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57650

You deserved it

3170

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is 6 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47525

You deserved it

8800

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28405

You deserved it

1994

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

I agree, your life sucks

80584

You deserved it

8109

Tweet

Share

By me - United States

Today, a guy came by my house and demanded my fiancé come out and fight. He explained that my fiancé had been stupid enough to not only troll on a local interest forum, but to leave his name and our address, inviting people to "come shut me up if you think you're tough enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29997

You deserved it

3558

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me and left me with the responsibility of the turtle that I never wanted but she insisted we buy "together." A little bit of research has revealed that Andre will live for "at least 30 years." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49543

You deserved it

7300

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31985

You deserved it

3606

Tweet

Share

By xxruby - United States - Katy

Today, I worked my boyfriend's shift so he could stay home. I even brought him the free meal I got for helping out. Turns out he wanted to stay home so badly to cheat on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44139

You deserved it

3516

Tweet

Share

By :| - Canada

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33546

You deserved it

6348

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 08:00

Hard shoulder

Today, the guy I’ve been trying to get over for the last month finally messaged me like I’ve been hoping for, only to cry that his new girlfriend cheated on him and to ask if I think he should forgive her, because he, "appreciates my honesty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1499

You deserved it

189

Tweet

Share

By :/ - United States - Groton

Today, I had a date over for the first time since I moved out. I made a beautiful dinner… for one of us. I'm so used to cooking for just myself that I only made one serving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30373

You deserved it

11074

Tweet

Share

By Sabraynay

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40862

You deserved it

3275

Tweet

Share

By NoThanks - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23352

You deserved it

59802

Tweet

Share

By CAchickadee - United States

Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40168

You deserved it

6196

Tweet

Share

By Ughh! - France

Today, the people living below me have been blasting their music so loudly that I can hear every word as clear as day. The people next door think it's my music and feel the need to bang on the wall and blast their music just as loudly in revenge. I have two very important exams tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38903

You deserved it

3282

Tweet

Share

By na - United States

Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolls off of me without finishing, and says, "I'm bored." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46807

You deserved it

7520

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Peachtree City

Today, we had a surprise party for my boss. Someone turned out all the lights. I was so scared of the dark, the first thing my boss saw when he walked in was all my co-workers watching me scream, "TURN IT ON!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36792

You deserved it

16879

Tweet

Share

By Andrew - United States

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36052

You deserved it

6377

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 23:00

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1696

You deserved it

272

Tweet

Share

By ohsosad - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy who is doing community service because he was caught peeping through windows. I was tempted to say yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14063

You deserved it

26552

Tweet

Share

By Ouch - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41614

You deserved it

20585

Tweet

Share

By thatsjustlovely - United States

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13567

You deserved it

36833

Tweet

Share

By extants - United States

Today, I found out my broker invested my $6000 in the wrong stock. How did I find out? He called me to let me know the stock crashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30271

You deserved it

3625

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 22:58 - Germany

Woodland mystery

Today, walking in the woods, I heard someone screaming like crazy. First I thought it might be a hurt animal, but then I heard syllables in the screams. When I yelled, “What’s going on there?!” there was only silence. It was so creepy, I’m too scared to walk my dogs there now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

760

You deserved it

106

Tweet

Share

By dessy - United States - San Diego

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick up a few things from the store for him while he was at work. After picking up everything he asked for, I wasn't left with much money so I used $50 from my account. When he got home he then grumbled about me spending all of "his" money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12734

You deserved it

1012

Tweet

Share

By DontBeRude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23378

You deserved it

3828

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad screamed at me because I've been "spending too much money". He's been out of a job for 4 months and I've been giving him 300 dollars a month to help pay for bills... and his beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34603

You deserved it

3405

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14240

You deserved it

1086

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nine year old stepson overheard me telling my husband that I was almost out of my favorite shampoo, and since it was discontinued, I couldn't buy any more. He got in the shower and happily emptied the bottles down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31970

You deserved it

5346

Tweet

Share

By dypshyyt - United States

Today, I went to my weekly AA meeting. It was a huge crowd and I was the guest speaker. Not 5 minutes into my speech, I was booed off stage and banned from further attendance because I accidentally wore a Jack Daniel's shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24069

You deserved it

56336

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Murphy_21 | 0

#28207 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:03

Wow, Spock turns you on? Fail.

By rebboy_2008 | 0

#28211 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:06

I don't know what's worse: the fact that you called her Spock or the fact that Spock was on your mind while getting a bj. Either way, you lose.

COMMENTS

By Murphy_21 | 0

#28207 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

dangkoopa | 0

#923107 - Sunday 7 March 2010 23:56

Who is not turned on by Spock?

Reply

gorbeast | 0

#947261 - Sunday 14 March 2010 21:38

sounds like something my brother would do tbh

Reply

kolboi18 | 0

#954993 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 21:44

409

I know right?!

Reply

flakes_fml | 0

#975404 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 2:05

lol! Spock blew your cock! fail!

Reply

itachi5464 | 0

#982451 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 10:22

wow ur smart

Reply

MearaRocks | 0

#982590 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 19:17

Your life must be quite amazing that you have got a girlfriend while bring a trekkie

Reply

xMegan | 0

#1028682 - Saturday 12 June 2010 18:16

Star Trek IS oral sex. <3

Reply

drcool41 | 0

#1028718 - Saturday 12 June 2010 20:01

would he do it while giving u head?

Reply

jtin13 | 0

#1032411 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 16:58

I guess you have a Vulcan fetish?

Reply

astarwarsfan | 0

#1079036 - Sunday 11 July 2010 15:34

cock blocked by spock

Reply

TheOS025 | 0

#1145649 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 3:43

ydi for watching star trek

Reply

Brendan3693 | 0

#1306812 - Friday 27 August 2010 6:15

I must now do an imitation:

captain, we are now warp jumping into the breakup sector, planet awkward, quadrent iscrewedupbigtime

Reply

Tora_Chan | 0

#1317854 - Sunday 29 August 2010 17:10

total agree. OP you fail.

Reply

harrymcshabsstic | 0

#1587534 - Friday 22 October 2010 22:22

agree

Reply

GreatGeak | 8

#1722146 - Friday 19 November 2010 8:18

oh gosh...these comments are funnier than the original post. :D

Reply

impatientsnake | 4

#2210460 - Sunday 20 March 2011 9:23

ppl say weird shit during sex really doesnt matter

Reply

Eggers | 2

#2376150 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 5:53

says the twelve-year-old

Reply

maz_irken | 6

#2595985 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 0:37

and how were you watching TV while she was doing that?!

Reply

KlaLynn | 3

#2734148 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 3:32

That's okay, Spock turns me on too!

Reply

FoxyVixen | 4

#2977114 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 4:30

...maybe it is your brother? o.O

Reply

Kirlyfoo | 9

#3749908 - Sunday 18 December 2011 18:02

488- let me start with fuck u and if u read his bio he's 21, it could be a lie but ill go with the latter, cause i dont like u : /

Reply

mishaparis | 7

#3795338 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:28

Isn't latter the second one? ie "a lie"?

Reply

TheLefty | 1

#3896966 - Tuesday 17 January 2012 6:07

Doesn't matter. Got head.

Reply

rocketpopper1030 | 11

#4629566 - Friday 29 June 2012 9:42

But that's AWESOME. (:

Reply

Alvarortor | 14

#5851329 - Friday 7 February 2014 20:34

But...it's only logical

Reply

ZombieSazza | 34

#6217870 - Sunday 1 March 2015 13:22

But... Spock is awesome! Especially during Pon Farr !

By rebboy_2008 | 0

#28211 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:06

I don't know what's worse: the fact that you called her Spock or the fact that Spock was on your mind while getting a bj. Either way, you lose.

Reply

awesomechick618 | 0

#985103 - Monday 26 April 2010 11:24

lolszz agreed

Reply

firemanrob | 0

#1778282 - Wednesday 1 December 2010 11:53

haha winnn

Reply

nathanf101 | 0

#2283648 - Sunday 3 April 2011 2:32

fail

Reply

G3K0 | 7

#4620302 - Wednesday 27 June 2012 9:47

Lmao

Reply

TheCaterpiller | 6

#4659519 - Saturday 7 July 2012 9:31

Live long and prosper

By millycent | 0

#28212 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:06

Why are you watching anything other than porn while getting blown? Or anything at all? Fail.

Reply

yehr | 0

#696371 - Monday 30 November 2009 10:40

cause sometimes it's just casual right where you are, playing around.

Reply

alliede88 | 0

#2102516 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

PerditaDessa | 38

#6054677 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 11:52

Just because a girl is up to please while the tv is on doesn't mean she has low self esteem. Personally, I like Star Trek and would make that situation a joke for the length of the relationship.

By LittleMissMack | 0

#28213 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:07

Hmm Epic Fail. Are you a bit homosexual? I mean it doesn't matter to me, but it might matter to your chica.

Reply

FriesWithASideOf | 0

#1028122 - Friday 11 June 2010 20:29

A little to fat to be a wannabe emo.

Reply

theOriginalBAM | 0

#1070551 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 10:11

LOL!!!!!!

Reply

TheBrianWing | 0

#1112516 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 7:36

4, fail

Reply

jramos0070 | 0

#1249972 - Monday 16 August 2010 4:49

435

you're a douche

Reply

Pocahontas22_fml | 0

#1730028 - Sunday 21 November 2010 8:26

I definitly agree jramos^

Reply

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#2762281 - Sunday 26 June 2011 9:59

But...4s a mean homophobe

Reply

callieo12 | 0

#3425055 - Thursday 13 October 2011 5:49

Ur an asshole i mean really. U have no idea how much comments like that hurt wait till u get one

By mf_fml | 0

#28218 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:15

HAHAHAHA, YESSSSSS!

Reply

5lug | 0

#948986 - Monday 15 March 2010 7:42

HAHAHA!!!!! no.

Reply

Baglesbites | 0

#976732 - Friday 9 April 2010 6:27

HAHAHAHA maybe

Reply

aricTB | 0

#984733 - Sunday 25 April 2010 18:57

HAHAHAHAHA probably

Reply

SeetaBeeta | 0

#1024286 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 23:28

HAHAHAHA most likely
0:

Reply

wackieboy | 0

#1039332 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 17:37

HAHAHAHAHA! I doubt it

Reply

ona16 | 22

#1117843 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 5:27

HAHAHAHA um

Reply

BakNBitz | 0

#1161395 - Friday 30 July 2010 9:15

HAHAHAHAHAHA probable but not likely

Reply

chunkymunky666 | 0

#2039787 - Thursday 3 February 2011 3:48

HAHAHAHAHA... wait, what?

Reply

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2159127 - Monday 7 March 2011 16:54

HAHAHAHAHA utter failure

Reply

#2524876 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 22:57

C-C-COMBO BREACKER

Reply

rebekahah | 7

#2661502 - Saturday 11 June 2011 16:58

you misspelled 'breaker'

Reply

mishaparis | 7

#3795345 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:30

Combo beaker. Meep meep.

Reply

generalasskicker | 12

#4412145 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 16:30

I was thinking the same thing I lmao literally

By Takayama | 0

#28219 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:16

lol! so, u like pointed ears huh! hahaha

Reply

AngryCanadian | 0

#2988995 - Thursday 28 July 2011 21:30

Doesn't matter, had sex!

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#28220 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:17

LOL THATS SO GOOD

Reply

YDIomg | 9

#4130463 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 3:23

This FML should be more like this:

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head, when he called me Spock. FML

Reply

NurseJonathan | 9

#5443852 - Thursday 11 April 2013 7:36

"Captain, may I suggest, a Vulcan mind probe." - Spock

By KenMcGormick | 0

#28226 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:23

AH AH AH!!! SPOCK... !!! yea to #4 and #6... TS is officially an alien-loving homophilia

By tehhotness | 0

#28229 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:28

Bwahaahahah, thats awesome. At least you didnt call her Worf

By shantoyamuchluv | 0

#28239 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:41

Gives a whole new meaning to "the final frontier" huh

Reply

crazycornn | 0

#863481 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 1:33

win