Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching... - FML

By Noname - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

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This Charming Man

Roommates from hell

Management balls-up

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I canceled my Gamefly account. Seems that was the only thing keeping us together. FML

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By homework - India

Today, whilst cleaning out his desk, my dad "accidentally" threw away my summer homework. That's 100 pages, over a duration of 2 months. School starts in 3 days. FML

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By cherbear1000 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

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By Shopgirl - Australia

Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my iPod to Walmart to replace the battery. They tell me to call Apple. I go home again and call Apple. They tell me to call Walmart. I call Walmart. They tell me to bring it in. FML

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By SnowyConcussion - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that using a wired connection instead of wifi won't stop his computer from getting viruses. He looked at me, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, like he was a 13-year-old boy and I was a pair of tits. Then he called me clueless and told me to get back to work. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, I was teaching a woodshop class. We were using power tools, including drills, and pieces of pine wood. While helping a kid to hold a piece to practice drilling, he went too far forward with the drill. It went through my hand. FML

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By adam - United States

Today, I made heart shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

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By Sfg_926 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

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By cjhgvb - Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML

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By Uncircumcised Penis - Canada - Richmond

Today, I was in line at the pharmacy when the man in front of me asked if I wanted to see a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. Before I had time to answer, he showed me a picture of a turd that looked like an uncircumcised penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife kicked me out of my own bed to go and sleep on the sofa because the dog was whining, and would only stop if she was allowed to sleep on my side of the bed. My wife would rather sleep with the dog than me. FML

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By pixiegirl - United States

Today, I found out that my "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML

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By Shropintz - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to move out. Excited, thinking he wanted us to move out from his mom's house, I said, "Yeah! Just you and me?" to which he smirked and replied, "No, just you." FML

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By destiny147 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

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By dillon - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I watched a Youtube video about artists who ripped off other artist's songs. All of the bands that were accused of stealing were all bands that I really enjoy. FML

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By Ape - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML

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By dumped - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? His best mate got dumped yesterday and my boyfriend thought it would be 'more fun' to be 'single lads together'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML

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By xloverin - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

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By shit.jpg - United States - Waban

Today, a fifth grader gave me a note from his "father" excusing him from PE. It was riddled with spelling errors and shockingly poor grammar, so I rejected it as a blatant fake. Several hours later, I was informed by his very angry father that it wasn't actually fake. FML

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By Erbtosis - United States - Seattle

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

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By Nicole Jones - 1/10/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Nooooooo… !

Today, after having a hard week, I decided to order a pizza with an expensive milkshake. It slipped out of my hand in front of the lift. It went everywhere. I had nothing on me to clean it up with. Now I’m milkshakeless, down £5, and accidentally responsible for littering my accommodation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

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By Anonymous

Asshats everywhere

Today, while driving to work, an idiot pulled out of a junction without looking and wiped me out. I'm now in hospital with two broken legs, looking at employment pages because I didn't give work "enough notice" about my absence. FML

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By jesushelpme - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

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By robertsonjimmy - United States

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I signed a two-year lease on a house. My next-door neighbor said she's in love with me, threatened my girlfriend, and won't stop blasting Taylor Swift. FML

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By Jumja - Netherlands

Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it's delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

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By pukathlon - United States

Today, I was taking the bus back to my university campus, having left work early feeling sick. While on the bus I started retching. I managed to hold it in for a while, but as I stood up to get off the bus, I started puking through my mouth and nose. This was in front of twenty other passengers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waldorf

Make it stop

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four-month-old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

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By Average Lover

Today, my wife and I decided to go to an adult store and buy some toys to spice up the bedroom a bit. She wanted to buy a double-edged dildo so "we can use it together". I'm a guy. FML

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By ohman - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after having sex for the first time with my girlfriend, I realised I was in love with her. I noticed she had an eyelash on her breast. After tugging it a few times I realised it was actually a single black nipple hair. She was so embarrassed, she kicked me out and now won't return my calls. FML

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By nofooddrinkorsex - United States

Today, my wife and I had our brand new king-size mattress set delivered. After the delivery men left, she informed me that I was no longer allowed to eat or drink in bed. Oh yeah, and we're not having sex on it either. FML

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By Lisaaa - Canada

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

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By UnluckyLatina - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot, since he screamed in agony. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I lost a bet with my grandma, and now she's coming with me on my next date. FML

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Top comments

By Murphy_21 | 0

#28207 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:03

Wow, Spock turns you on? Fail.

By rebboy_2008 | 0

#28211 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:06

I don't know what's worse: the fact that you called her Spock or the fact that Spock was on your mind while getting a bj. Either way, you lose.

COMMENTS

By Murphy_21 | 0

#28207 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

dangkoopa | 0

#923107 - Sunday 7 March 2010 23:56

Who is not turned on by Spock?

Reply

gorbeast | 0

#947261 - Sunday 14 March 2010 21:38

sounds like something my brother would do tbh

Reply

kolboi18 | 0

#954993 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 21:44

409

I know right?!

Reply

flakes_fml | 0

#975404 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 2:05

lol! Spock blew your cock! fail!

Reply

itachi5464 | 0

#982451 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 10:22

wow ur smart

Reply

MearaRocks | 0

#982590 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 19:17

Your life must be quite amazing that you have got a girlfriend while bring a trekkie

Reply

xMegan | 0

#1028682 - Saturday 12 June 2010 18:16

Star Trek IS oral sex. <3

Reply

drcool41 | 0

#1028718 - Saturday 12 June 2010 20:01

would he do it while giving u head?

Reply

jtin13 | 0

#1032411 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 16:58

I guess you have a Vulcan fetish?

Reply

astarwarsfan | 0

#1079036 - Sunday 11 July 2010 15:34

cock blocked by spock

Reply

TheOS025 | 0

#1145649 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 3:43

ydi for watching star trek

Reply

Brendan3693 | 0

#1306812 - Friday 27 August 2010 6:15

I must now do an imitation:

captain, we are now warp jumping into the breakup sector, planet awkward, quadrent iscrewedupbigtime

Reply

Tora_Chan | 0

#1317854 - Sunday 29 August 2010 17:10

total agree. OP you fail.

Reply

harrymcshabsstic | 0

#1587534 - Friday 22 October 2010 22:22

agree

Reply

GreatGeak | 8

#1722146 - Friday 19 November 2010 8:18

oh gosh...these comments are funnier than the original post. :D

Reply

impatientsnake | 4

#2210460 - Sunday 20 March 2011 9:23

ppl say weird shit during sex really doesnt matter

Reply

Eggers | 2

#2376150 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 5:53

says the twelve-year-old

Reply

maz_irken | 6

#2595985 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 0:37

and how were you watching TV while she was doing that?!

Reply

KlaLynn | 3

#2734148 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 3:32

That's okay, Spock turns me on too!

Reply

FoxyVixen | 4

#2977114 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 4:30

...maybe it is your brother? o.O

Reply

Kirlyfoo | 9

#3749908 - Sunday 18 December 2011 18:02

488- let me start with fuck u and if u read his bio he's 21, it could be a lie but ill go with the latter, cause i dont like u : /

Reply

mishaparis | 7

#3795338 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:28

Isn't latter the second one? ie "a lie"?

Reply

TheLefty | 1

#3896966 - Tuesday 17 January 2012 6:07

Doesn't matter. Got head.

Reply

rocketpopper1030 | 11

#4629566 - Friday 29 June 2012 9:42

But that's AWESOME. (:

Reply

Alvarortor | 14

#5851329 - Friday 7 February 2014 20:34

But...it's only logical

Reply

ZombieSazza | 34

#6217870 - Sunday 1 March 2015 13:22

But... Spock is awesome! Especially during Pon Farr !

By rebboy_2008 | 0

#28211 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:06

I don't know what's worse: the fact that you called her Spock or the fact that Spock was on your mind while getting a bj. Either way, you lose.

Reply

awesomechick618 | 0

#985103 - Monday 26 April 2010 11:24

lolszz agreed

Reply

firemanrob | 0

#1778282 - Wednesday 1 December 2010 11:53

haha winnn

Reply

nathanf101 | 0

#2283648 - Sunday 3 April 2011 2:32

fail

Reply

G3K0 | 7

#4620302 - Wednesday 27 June 2012 9:47

Lmao

Reply

TheCaterpiller | 6

#4659519 - Saturday 7 July 2012 9:31

Live long and prosper

By millycent | 0

#28212 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:06

Why are you watching anything other than porn while getting blown? Or anything at all? Fail.

Reply

yehr | 0

#696371 - Monday 30 November 2009 10:40

cause sometimes it's just casual right where you are, playing around.

Reply

alliede88 | 0

#2102516 - Sunday 20 February 2011 4:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

PerditaDessa | 38

#6054677 - Tuesday 2 September 2014 11:52

Just because a girl is up to please while the tv is on doesn't mean she has low self esteem. Personally, I like Star Trek and would make that situation a joke for the length of the relationship.

By LittleMissMack | 0

#28213 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:07

Hmm Epic Fail. Are you a bit homosexual? I mean it doesn't matter to me, but it might matter to your chica.

Reply

FriesWithASideOf | 0

#1028122 - Friday 11 June 2010 20:29

A little to fat to be a wannabe emo.

Reply

theOriginalBAM | 0

#1070551 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 10:11

LOL!!!!!!

Reply

TheBrianWing | 0

#1112516 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 7:36

4, fail

Reply

jramos0070 | 0

#1249972 - Monday 16 August 2010 4:49

435

you're a douche

Reply

Pocahontas22_fml | 0

#1730028 - Sunday 21 November 2010 8:26

I definitly agree jramos^

Reply

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#2762281 - Sunday 26 June 2011 9:59

But...4s a mean homophobe

Reply

callieo12 | 0

#3425055 - Thursday 13 October 2011 5:49

Ur an asshole i mean really. U have no idea how much comments like that hurt wait till u get one

By mf_fml | 0

#28218 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:15

HAHAHAHA, YESSSSSS!

Reply

5lug | 0

#948986 - Monday 15 March 2010 7:42

HAHAHA!!!!! no.

Reply

Baglesbites | 0

#976732 - Friday 9 April 2010 6:27

HAHAHAHA maybe

Reply

aricTB | 0

#984733 - Sunday 25 April 2010 18:57

HAHAHAHAHA probably

Reply

SeetaBeeta | 0

#1024286 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 23:28

HAHAHAHA most likely
0:

Reply

wackieboy | 0

#1039332 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 17:37

HAHAHAHAHA! I doubt it

Reply

ona16 | 22

#1117843 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 5:27

HAHAHAHA um

Reply

BakNBitz | 0

#1161395 - Friday 30 July 2010 9:15

HAHAHAHAHAHA probable but not likely

Reply

chunkymunky666 | 0

#2039787 - Thursday 3 February 2011 3:48

HAHAHAHAHA... wait, what?

Reply

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2159127 - Monday 7 March 2011 16:54

HAHAHAHAHA utter failure

Reply

nickdunbar | 8

#2524876 - Tuesday 17 May 2011 22:57

C-C-COMBO BREACKER

Reply

rebekahah | 7

#2661502 - Saturday 11 June 2011 16:58

you misspelled 'breaker'

Reply

mishaparis | 7

#3795345 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 20:30

Combo beaker. Meep meep.

Reply

generalasskicker | 12

#4412145 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 16:30

I was thinking the same thing I lmao literally

By Takayama | 0

#28219 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:16

lol! so, u like pointed ears huh! hahaha

Reply

AngryCanadian | 0

#2988995 - Thursday 28 July 2011 21:30

Doesn't matter, had sex!

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#28220 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:17

LOL THATS SO GOOD

Reply

YDIomg | 9

#4130463 - Wednesday 7 March 2012 3:23

This FML should be more like this:

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head, when he called me Spock. FML

Reply

NurseJonathan | 9

#5443852 - Thursday 11 April 2013 7:36

"Captain, may I suggest, a Vulcan mind probe." - Spock

By KenMcGormick | 0

#28226 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:23

AH AH AH!!! SPOCK... !!! yea to #4 and #6... TS is officially an alien-loving homophilia

By tehhotness | 0

#28229 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:28

Bwahaahahah, thats awesome. At least you didnt call her Worf

By shantoyamuchluv | 0

#28239 - Thursday 12 March 2009 16:41

Gives a whole new meaning to "the final frontier" huh

Reply

crazycornn | 0

#863481 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 1:33

win