Today, my girlfriend was giving me head. When I came, she was...

By BOO!

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head. When I came, she was scared of the "stuff" that came out. FML

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2078

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Our house, in the middle of our street

This Charming Man

I'm a mess

By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom

Broken

Today, I recently got out of hospital after suffering a bad head injury. My doctor warned me I might have localised skin numbness, and it turns out I do. In my penis. Can’t feel a thing down there. We discovered this in bed, where nothing could get a rise out of me because it was completely dead FML

I agree, your life sucks

1977

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142

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Checking in

Today, after my car being in the shop for over a day and with no updates from the dealership, I decided to pay them a visit. The place was almost empty, and they hadn't done any work on my car. But judging by the used condom on my back seat, somebody got their own oil checked. FML

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48963

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By lonely - United States - Twin Falls

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Whilst browsing the web, I clicked on an ad that said "How to Get Your Ex Back in a Day". Now I am single and have a computer virus. FML

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17227

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By BrokeAsAJoke - United States

Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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21267

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By Anonymous

Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML

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1642

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815

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

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47437

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3184

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By KaySchrages92 - United States

Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

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50437

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3849

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 05:02

The Summoner

Today, I've lived in my apartment for over 5 years with no bugs, as I'm phobic of them. I broke up with my ex, who smirked at me and declared war. I now have thousands of roaches that I can't get rid of. Coincidence? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1351

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123

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By Kate - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36562

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4056

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By larry_richard - United States

April Fool

Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML

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4197

You deserved it

709

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By AL - United States

Today, my mom is marrying my ex boyfriend's dad. The same ex boyfriend who I caught cheating on me with my sister. Family gatherings are going to be such a joy! FML

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47755

You deserved it

2881

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By Username - United States

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriends dog. After several trips around the block and plenty of strange looks I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

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17424

You deserved it

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By astroloser - Philippines

Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

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71180

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18025

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad spent a full half hour trying to convince me that Judaism is a race. FML

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28773

You deserved it

6488

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By dumbass1991 - United States

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8124

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121570

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By theskippster - United States

Today, I was in Walmart. I saw a demo for Guitar Hero on the DS so I started playing. I was kicking ass and really feeling great about myself. I then looked away for a second, looked back down, and saw that the notes were still being hit. The demo had been on automatic-player the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19977

You deserved it

65605

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By handlin - Mexico

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33914

You deserved it

4124

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By kalamar5 - Norway - Sarpsborg

Today, my boss bitched me out for doing some random web browsing while waiting for some documents I needed to arrive, then went back to his desk and went on Facebook, thinking I couldn't see. FML

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43751

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By Anonymous

Today, I got married to the love of my life, with whom I've been with for 5 years. It's also one of the 3 times a year where he's got so drunk that, instead of puking in the bed like last time, he puked all over the side of my car while I was driving us home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1496

You deserved it

327

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was feeling rebellious, I decided to procrastinate instead of studying for my really important English test tomorrow. I was having a pretty good time until I realized my idea of procrastinating was cleaning my TI-83 graphing calculator with rubbing alcohol and Q-tips. FML

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20903

You deserved it

53232

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By Anonymous - United States - Bend

Today, feeling too lazy to cook dinner, I bought a bagged salad from a low-end store. I dumped the contents into a bowl; the first thing that fell out was a dead mouse. Bon appetit. FML

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47412

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6828

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By Anonymous - United States - Helena

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

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30756

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3335

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Today, my best female friend got dumped. Seeing how I was alone when I got dumped, I didn't want her to feel the same, so I was nice to her and tried to help her as much as I could. I've now been getting constant messages from our mutual friends, telling me to stop hitting on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4878

You deserved it

501

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By krfenton8

Today, I had a bad feeling about walking to work because of the weather. Instead, I drove. My car slid on the ice and I created a four-car pile up. All three of the other people involved have decided to sue me. I should've walked. FML

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25491

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4065

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By julie - United States

Today, I realized that if you are too lazy to get completely dressed in the morning and only put on a top, you should not answer a Skype video call from your boss that involves you standing up, turning around and grabbing files from your filing cabinet all in clear view of your web cam. FML

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9017

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42407

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By fiendishkitty - United States

Today, six years after hurricane Katrina took everything from me, I received a letter in the mail from FEMA telling me that I have to repay them the money I received to replace what was lost. I have 30 days to repay $4,900 or the case will be sent into federal debt collection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49786

You deserved it

4090

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By bannana0zoom - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. My mom got me a gym membership and a bunch of clothes that are a few sizes too small. FML

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28906

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7945

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to take a pair of scissors to all my bras. My mom can't take me shopping for another three days and I have no one to borrow a bra from. I have school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44125

You deserved it

4359

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By Cooky - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40234

You deserved it

6708

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By Jaided_Genetics - Canada - Kingston

Today, I finally addressed why my boyfriend started calling me "love bug" since we haven't used pet names in the entirety of our 2 year relationship. His response? "because I love you but you bug the shit out of me. It seemed appropriate." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14423

You deserved it

2644

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By sasd32 - United States

Today, I called a potential employer. I left a message asking him to return my call. When he did, my drunk friend answered my phone with "I make a sexy-time with my mother in-law." I called him back twice immediately to explain. No answer. That was my last hope for a decent job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49995

You deserved it

8840

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8 year-old niece and I were arguing over how many letters were in the alphabet. Guess who was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8015

You deserved it

50571

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By mishyb - United States - Englewood

Today, my horse farted and scared itself, then ran all the way up the hill and wouldn't stop until I fell off. FML

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51382

You deserved it

4322

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By stink

Today, my roommate informed me that he took a bet to not shower or bathe until Christmas. The bet is for five bucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33326

You deserved it

2742

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By Anonymous

Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6742

You deserved it

368

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By Lissa - United States - Baldwin

Today, my stupid coworker informed the managers that there were no more kids' menus downstairs. Trusting her word, they ordered 3 full boxes. She then asked me where we kept them. We now have 12,000 kids menus to fold. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12658

You deserved it

944

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By hero to zero - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34035

You deserved it

15117

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By beerpong26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51447

You deserved it

6855

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By dangeronpa

Today, I broke my glasses. My eyesight is horrible, I can’t see things that aren’t super close to my face. I'm supposed to drive to another state tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1600

You deserved it

189

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By Username - France

Today, after telling me his other girlfriend is pregnant, my boyfriend said we should stay together so I could help out with the baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54904

You deserved it

4788

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Top comments

By Aphrodite | 20

#7805877 - Saturday 25 May 2019 4:35

Um, how old is your gf?

By manb91gb | 14

#7805880 - Saturday 25 May 2019 4:38

I don't blame her... That's millions of potential children she's about to swallow and destroy.. Even Dr Strange couldn't handle that!

COMMENTS

By Aphrodite | 20

#7805877 - Saturday 25 May 2019 4:35

Um, how old is your gf?

revidffum69 | 22

#7805884 - Saturday 25 May 2019 5:20

First thing I thought.

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7806043 - Saturday 25 May 2019 19:09

Worried me, too. Unless she was completely sheltered before they met, and he managed to get her to blow him, but forgot to mention the happy ending.

By manb91gb | 14

#7805880 - Saturday 25 May 2019 4:38

I don't blame her... That's millions of potential children she's about to swallow and destroy.. Even Dr Strange couldn't handle that!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7805885 - Saturday 25 May 2019 5:26

If she’s not, you’re not doing it right!

By Sinshine | 27

#7805895 - Saturday 25 May 2019 6:49

Why are you getting blowjobs from 8-years-olds?

By Bubbilility | 27

#7805997 - Saturday 25 May 2019 15:51

... how old are you? How old is she? Was she a virgin? Or was it more she doesn't like the taste, or she's afraid of getting it in her hair/eyes?

By Mooglefox | 23

#7805998 - Saturday 25 May 2019 15:52

What was she thinking was gonna come out?

By Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7806025 - Saturday 25 May 2019 17:39

Son, If you have to make airplane noises to get it in she is TOO YOUNG.

Chen Zhibang | 8

#7806162 - Sunday 26 May 2019 3:42

This is brilliant.

By Bevis Butthead | 4

#7837926 - Thursday 29 August 2019 17:26

Is she like 9 years old or Amish?