Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was... - FML

By Anonymous - 14/02/2015 17:47 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 848

You deserved it 11 642

Tough choice

Family values

Thanks, government

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 02:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 779

You deserved it 4 142

By FML - 24/07/2014 15:59 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I had a rough day and was extremely tired. I took a nap on the couch, and woke up to a guy robbing my house. I pretended I was still sleeping, waiting a chance to grab him or run out safely. I ended up falling back asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 348

You deserved it 24 159

By Anonymous - 29/07/2013 08:19 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, my family and I went to feed carrots to the giraffes at the zoo. After I finished my first cup of carrots, I turned back to get some more. Suddenly, I was jerked back and a chunk of my hair was ripped out. The giraffe mistook the orange barrette in my hair for a carrot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 578

You deserved it 10 620

By losingit - 19/10/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I learned I was adopted and that my parents had died in a car accident when I was really young. My girlfriend was sitting next to me when I got the news, and several hours later broke up with me in a text stating, "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have real parents." FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 074

You deserved it 3 793

By Anonymous - 02/09/2009 09:39 - New Zealand

Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 527

You deserved it 50 821

By Ughhhhh - 03/10/2016 16:18 - United States - Stockton

Today, I purpose woke up early so that I could be prepared for a class taught by a professor who thinks I'm an idiot. This professor was the first to tell me that I'm 2 hours early and asked very slowly if I know how schedules worked. She seriously sounded concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 762

You deserved it 3 503

By cam96 - 15/10/2017 13:00

Today, I woke up early and rushed to work to get to our first weekly safety meeting. I was the only one that remembered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 312

You deserved it 275

By jooshuarr - 18/06/2010 23:09 - Spain

Today, while tuning my bass guitar, I noticed a very strange screeching sound. I leaned over to look behind the neck. The biggest string snapped off and cut the side of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 646

You deserved it 4 708

By ohsnap - 28/10/2009 10:14 - Australia

Today, I took my car through the car wash. I got bored, so turned the radio on, forgetting that the aerial/antenna on the car is automatic. My car aerial is now bent at a 90 degree angle and about to fall off. The radio is half white noise, half stuff that may or may not be free jazz jam sessions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 672

You deserved it 35 228

By hatecolin - 10/09/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 742

You deserved it 12 927

By Username - 26/09/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, my mother followed me to work to see what I got up to. I'm a fitness instructor in a ground floor gym that has big windows overlooking the street. She stood outside and waved at me for half an hour, while I tried to concentrate on teaching a visibly amused class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 726

You deserved it 2 366

By Anonymous - 05/05/2012 02:27 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I spent some of my pay on a birthday gift for my wife. She found out about the money going missing from our account, and now she thinks I'm having an affair. I work 24/7 and barely have time to see my friends, let alone have an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 700

You deserved it 2 148

Minor Threat

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 20:24 - France - Paris

Spicy

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 270

You deserved it 13 239

By Nola - 27/04/2017 12:00

Today, I watched my mother pull her pants down and, using her hands, feel her butt crack to check if she'd had had an accident. She then pulled her pants up, went into the kitchen and touched stuff in the refrigerator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 183

You deserved it 319

By Anonymous - 04/03/2010 10:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 340

You deserved it 20 580

Close shave

By Gears - 29/04/2019 16:00

Today, I had dinner at a local fast-food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 081

You deserved it 718

By SLOMan90 - 26/01/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, my college professor handed every student a note card and told us to rate his looks from 1 to 5. Is this what I pay $20,000 a year for? FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 273

You deserved it 3 761

By nevergonnatrust - 18/11/2010 09:23

Spicy

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 381

You deserved it 3 601

By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 23:36 - United States

Today, I saw a group of attractive guys at the mall. One of them looked exactly like a friend, so I decided to take a picture. Trying to be discreet, I put my phone up to my ear as if I was making a phone call, and pressed the capture button. The flash went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 489

You deserved it 46 603

By nevercatchabreak - 31/08/2013 08:16 - United States - Burgettstown

Today, tired of everyone forgetting my birthday, I traveled half way around the world to spend my 40th at a five star resort just to try and make it special. The hotel brought me a cake with someone else's name on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 034

You deserved it 4 249

By Bonngoo - 17/11/2016 18:17 - United States

Today, at school, we were supposed to say something that we are thankful for. When I was about to speak, one of the girls at my table said, "It's okay, you can say PornHub." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 207

You deserved it 1 202

By Anonymous - 28/02/2013 22:33 - United Kingdom - Newtownards

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 656

You deserved it 3 650

By Anonymous - 25/12/2014 21:00 - United States

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 075

You deserved it 2 603

By ShylaMarie - 14/02/2012 22:29 - Canada

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 471

You deserved it 2 919

By Skidmark Sally - 07/10/2012 21:41 - United States - Las Cruces

Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 761

You deserved it 2 156

Don't let the bedbugs bite!

By sleepingonthetoilet - 28/03/2018 08:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my supervisor locked me in the women's bathroom as I was cleaning it. I heard the owner scolding him, so I waited for the door to open, thinking he got in trouble. It wasn't until I heard the front gate locking that I realized I'm staying the night in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 170

You deserved it 361

By not jacked - 20/04/2016 11:35 - United States - East Hartford

Spicy

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 066

You deserved it 1 541

Actually…

By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 05:02

Today, I’ve been single for 6 and a half years. It was fun for a while, but now it’s just sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 805

You deserved it 9 615

By mmoments - 17/11/2015 19:01 - United States

Today, I took a picture of the combination to my new lock so I would always have it on my phone if I ever forgot it. I put my phone in my gym locker, locked it with the new lock, then promptly forgot the combination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 878

You deserved it 26 667

By Breanne - 14/07/2011 15:25 - Canada

Today, at work, a regular started talking to me. Subject of choice? His overwhelming amount of earwax. Apparently he'd like to make a candle out of it once he goes to the doctor to get it removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 200

You deserved it 2 307

Blow it

By Anonymous - 22/10/2021 01:59

Today, I reached to pick out a booger stuck in my nose that had been irritating me, and ended up poking myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 273

You deserved it 580

By imnotacat - 20/07/2011 01:29 - United States

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 920

You deserved it 3 081

By whoawhat - 11/11/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 477

You deserved it 4 006

By Anonymous - 08/04/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 650

You deserved it 6 244

By RheaDitto - 18/06/2019 01:08

Today, after sending and receiving hundreds of hints, I mustered up the courage to ask my best friend out. He completely ignored my words, and went on to tell me all about his mother's intestinal bug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 742

You deserved it 189

By swervelol - 20/08/2017 23:15

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 339

You deserved it 317

By faza4327 - 06/04/2011 07:43 - Australia

Today, I was on my way home on my bike when a lady in a 4WD cut me off while beeping her horn and calling me a "stupid f**ker who should get a proper education." In her car, she was smoking, and her three children weren't wearing seat belts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 399

You deserved it 3 527

By unknown52 - 02/12/2011 02:02 - Netherlands

Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 731

You deserved it 3 752

By Jaayoung23 - 14/01/2010 15:47 - France

Spicy

Today, my sister won a bet. She bet my best friend a burrito that I wouldn't lose my virginity within a year. I am twenty and have to drive my friend to Del Taco so he can buy my sister her victory burrito cause I didn't get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 582

You deserved it 4 378

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Top comments

tot5t 12

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:38

While I agree that "vajayjay" is a cringeworthy word, I wouldn't have laughed. No one wants to be laughed at in bed, you should have known that OP.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:37

Well she said she wanted to be a school girl...

Comments

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:37

Well she said she wanted to be a school girl...

cole_tyler42 21

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Sunday 15 February 2015 9:47

Schoolgirl, not a little girl.

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Monday 16 February 2015 8:41

Hopefully.

nite66 21

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:37

I guess she was more into the rp than you

random_cashmere 25

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:37

Well, either way you would be pissed.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:38

Lmfao oh come on sometimes sex is funny and i would deff die of laughter if that happened to me im sorry but that word is just not sexy

tot5t 12

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:38

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 13:53

Common sometimes you can't help laughing at something as dumb as that. I mean who says "vajayjay" in bed. I'm sure they look back and laugh at it but I'm sure a lot of people would have laughed or have been turned off by that.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 14:17

In bed? Who says vajayjay at all?!

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Sunday 15 February 2015 15:45

Its been stated. A 14 year old who got fingered in a movie theater for the first time. Its sad but true.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 17:20

5- its not like people can help if they laugh at something rediculus... i dont blame op

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Monday 16 February 2015 3:08

If you can't laugh with the person you're with, you shouldn't be with them. Sex can be ridiculous. There will be strange and weird and awkward sounds, there might be a silly interruption like the cat or a kid… you might knock heads or trip getting undressed. Sex is funny, foreplay is funny and sometimes you need to just laugh. It will keep things from getting awkward! If you take sex too seriously you aren’t truly enjoying it!

angeluv_2014 22

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Monday 16 February 2015 7:58

as an aspiring actress, I feel that the use of the word "vajayjay" fits the portrayal of a school girl very well and thus condones OP's gf's use of it

LyricaSilvan 29

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Thursday 4 February 2016 2:02

"I'm gonna be an actress so clearly my opinion means something." I hope you realize how ridiculous you sound. Also, there's a fine line between acting and roleplaying in a sexual situation. There are certain realistic things you just don't say or do unless you plan on killing the mood. Imagine if she had wanted to roleplay with him as a pirate; would that make it okay for him to steal her stuff and sail away? No. No it would not.

SixthSinEnvy 39

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Wednesday 10 August 2016 1:04

#96 If he managed to commandeer a vessel, a crew, steal all my stuff, and sail into the sunset to make the foreplay real, he gets the "vajayjay" based off effort alone.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:39

personally i think a woman using the word "pussy" is more erotic.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 9:40

Let's be honest, vajayjay is something a sexually inexperienced 14-year-old girl uses to tell her friends about the first time she gets fingered at the movies. It has no place outside of awkward teenybopper conflict.

littleteapot 21

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Monday 16 February 2015 2:42

But she was roleplaying as a school girl. The word choice makes perfect sense.

angeluv_2014 22

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Monday 16 February 2015 8:00

exactly ☝

angeluv_2014 22

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Monday 16 February 2015 8:01

some people don't like the word pussy either

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Monday 16 February 2015 8:44

Works for me. It's furry, and nice to stroke.

LyricaSilvan 29

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Thursday 4 February 2016 1:59

Can you go away? We get it, you think it makes sense. You don't need to reply to everyone else's comments saying so.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:40

Wooaahh haha cx

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:41

a new meaning to the words "mocking jay"

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:45

Just imagine: Katniss, the vajayjay on fire.

Rawrshi 25

Sunday 15 February 2015 7:28

Fire crotch?

Shmatterhorn 38

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Sunday 15 February 2015 8:16

Fire in the hole?

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Sunday 15 February 2015 9:10

Fire in the hoe*

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:43

I've honestly only ever heard it referred to by that in poorly written Black Comedies.

Zebediabolical 39

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Sunday 15 February 2015 17:53

Why you gotta bring race into this? Just because you don't like urban comedy doesn't mean it's poorly written. You just ain't hep with the cats anymore! Yes. This is a joke.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:44

There's many fish in the sea.

Exodiafinder687 58

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Sunday 15 February 2015 5:47

Yeah, but who wants to fuck a fish? Besides Troy McClure that is.

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Sunday 15 February 2015 6:34

I thought guys like snappers?

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Sunday 15 February 2015 7:08

clams and furburgers

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Sunday 15 February 2015 7:29

When he mentioned fish, I thought that was going in a totally different direction.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 70