Today, my girlfriend told me I didn't make enough noise during...

By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me I didn't make enough noise during sex. Then when we had sex again, I made the noises she wanted. She then broke up with me because apparently, when I came, I screamed like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2289

You deserved it

399

Favorite

Out of it

How's your hovel?

No smoking

By dazedandconfused - United Kingdom - Dorking

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13316

You deserved it

1083

Favorite

By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29457

You deserved it

12396

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because he has a pimple fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43576

You deserved it

5258

Favorite

By Goodie - United States

Today, I found out my ex bought a digital camera, an iPod, and a large flat-screen TV, all purchased with the alimony I'm paying him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34661

You deserved it

7732

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home from school to find almost every single personal possession and piece of furniture from my bedroom all laid out or disassembled in the back yard. My dad smugly told me I'd better start moving it all back. This is his revenge for me salting his coffee this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15120

You deserved it

40986

Favorite

By fuckalltwitardsintheface - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30459

You deserved it

1689

Favorite

By deadman - 25/5/2020 02:00

Creeped out

Today, my mom came in my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Out of pure instinct, from hours of doing this to my girlfriend in this exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother-son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go" before I let her leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

523

You deserved it

1887

Favorite

By puppydrama - United States

Today, my dad and his new wife got their wedding pictures done. Out of over 150 pictures, I was only in one. The family dog was in all of them. In the one picture of me, I was holding the dog's leash while he took a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40887

You deserved it

2913

Favorite

By Crusty

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure. The pedicurist began examining my feet, then called his coworkers over to demonstrate how to deal with "excessively crusty" feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25226

You deserved it

17659

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting to make a few extra dollars. While changing one of the kid's diapers, I turned around to find the other kid gone. I turned back around frantically, only to get poop flung at my face. I guess I found him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27503

You deserved it

3154

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 17:01

Creepy idea, dude

Today, I finally found a way to lesser the loneliness in my life. During at least one work or school zoom meeting a day, I "pin" a random female attendee's screen. That way, I can pretend we're staring into each others eyes the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

384

You deserved it

1183

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50754

You deserved it

6289

Favorite

By Strainer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28462

You deserved it

5963

Favorite

By coffee_princess - Canada

Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35852

You deserved it

4437

Favorite

By makeitstop - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16551

You deserved it

63387

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/1/2021 11:01

One law for me, one law for thee

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a poly relationship. He said he wants to sleep with other people, but I can't in case I get feelings for them. Thats not what poly means, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks

930

You deserved it

107

Favorite

By NotAParabola - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend over webcam with a cute negligee. He was doing homework. Half an hour later, he finally noticed. Apparently pre-calc is more interesting than his girlfriend. I guess polynomials are just curvier than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19226

You deserved it

39096

Favorite

By gymbob - United States

Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows up. I was hot and sweaty, and wanted to impress him by pouring water on myself. Instead of being turned on, all he saw was me wiping my face on my shirt screaming. It wasn't water, I forgot I had brought Sprite. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12752

You deserved it

103232

Favorite

By ifyouseekmylife - United States

Today, my son told me he lost the envelope with all the money he earned selling Cub Scout popcorn. The popcorn was delivered already, and the money needs to be turned in to the pack leader tonight. I just spent $220 on popcorn my neighbors are eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32481

You deserved it

5605

Favorite

By hannax - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15230

You deserved it

1672

Favorite

By KillMeNow - United States

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

105053

You deserved it

12080

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24526

You deserved it

2133

Favorite

By Kilika - United States

Today, I came home and found my desk devoid of all paper. Turned out my mom dropped by and wanted to surprise me by cleaning up my work area. She threw away over 7 months worth of irreplaceable original sketches, notes and storylines, thinking they were worthless. My job is a full-time artist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70366

You deserved it

3804

Favorite

By Anon - United States - West Jefferson

Today, my girlfriend and I went on a date. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was sitting at a different table flirting with a guy that looked twice as old as her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2441

You deserved it

217

Favorite

By Devon - United States

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35988

You deserved it

5023

Favorite

By tayluh26 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé's parents are refusing to pay for a honeymoon because "they didn't have one so neither will we", so they won't pay for a single thing for our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26570

You deserved it

15900

Favorite

By drastech99 - United States

Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40658

You deserved it

8383

Favorite

By fallen - United States - Merion Station

Today, I came into work feeling good about myself and my upcoming plans. I left before noon with a box of my belongings and uncertainty about my future, having been suddenly laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4839

You deserved it

279

Favorite

By BigLove - United States - Stoneham

Today, Facebook put something out that shows a video of your entire life on the website. A part of it showed your most popular status update. Mine was from when I got dumped at Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52384

You deserved it

5282

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

23284

You deserved it

2161

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32827

You deserved it

2921

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a business man in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60113

You deserved it

3566

Favorite

By Tony - 2/1/2021 08:01 - United States - Dearborn

Cats rule the world

Today, my geriatric cat apparently leaked a little before he got to the litter box because when I went to use the bathroom, I slipped on the puddle. My left foot slammed into the kick panel of the cabinet and now my second toe is purple, swollen and tender. I may have broken my toe by slipping on cat piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

744

You deserved it

110

Favorite

By lalala2494

Today, I said, "Bless you" when someone sneezed on television. That's how lonely I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1576

You deserved it

188

Favorite

By lola1313 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, I forgot my blind date's name 3 times during our conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20513

You deserved it

41005

Favorite

By anonymous

Today, while I was walking home from work, it started to rain. Clutching my bag in one hand, I started to run so I wouldn't get too wet. I saw a man running towards me and all of a sudden he tackled me to the ground. He thought I had stolen someone's handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37993

You deserved it

3246

Favorite

By crystalwho - United States

Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13394

You deserved it

24333

Favorite

By ToTeachorNottoTeach - 2/9/2020 20:01 - United States - Los Angeles

The best of times, the worst of times

Today, I'm a teacher in the middle of a pandemic. Half my students haven't shown up to my class. The other half don't do any assignments. I keep my job based on how well my students do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1401

You deserved it

116

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46924

You deserved it

8954

Favorite

By CircusSea - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, I work on a cruise ship, and I just learned that we have a morgue on board. How did I learn that? It's right next to the crew laundry room, and I opened the wrong door. It was occupied. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23916

You deserved it

1897

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7806876 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 16:31

Ha! They’re always setting us up to fail! You can’t win.

One woman told me to talk dirty during sex, so I called her a “stupid, fucking piece of shit.” She dumped me.

What the hell?!?! What the actual hell?!?!?

By griddy24 | 17

#7807246 - Wednesday 29 May 2019 17:44

Yah what is that with guys who are totally silent during sex? I hear this from other women too so I know it’s not cause I suck at sex. It’s so boring and unrewarding to fuck someone who doesn’t signal any pleasure at all.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7806876 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 16:31

By Helmut Arias Rodriguez | 21

#7806975 - Wednesday 29 May 2019 1:48

Who doesn’t?

By griddy24 | 17

#7807246 - Wednesday 29 May 2019 17:44