Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping... - FML

By GotPunched - 11/4/2009 06:36 - Finland

Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Fear factor

Caught red-handed

By constantine - 4/2/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML

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By AGB10 - 23/6/2014 18:11 - United Kingdom - Tunbridge Wells

Today, I made an excuse and didn't turn up at work. Little did I know my boss did the same. We both bumped into each other at the shopping centre across town. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2009 14:50 - United States

Today, I got fired from work. Why? I finally took a stand for myself and confronted my co-worker of writing things up in my name for herself, and it getting deducted from my check. So she goes to the manager and accuses me of sexual harassment. Everyone applauded. FML

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By Burp - 19/4/2012 12:37 - United States

Today, I traveled by plane for the first time. Once in the air, I was absolutely terrorized by the whole experience. Luckily, they had free booze on board, so I necked some to steady my nerves. Unfortunately, the vodka mixed with air turbulence made me spurt some vomit into my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 02:00

Jot that down

Today, I wrote my phone number on a Post-it note and gave it to a cute girl at work. She immediately threw it away. In front of me. FML

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By life_sucks - 16/1/2010 18:46 - New Zealand

Today, this huge wasp started flying around me. I freaked out and started running from it. Then I slipped, landed face-first in some dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 21:51 - United States

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

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By dlova - 27/1/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

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By anonymous - 4/11/2014 12:03 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. I was laying in between his legs because it's just more comfortable. I looked down, and he had pieces of toilet paper sticking out of his butt cheeks. FML

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By crappyeve - 25/12/2016 05:10 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was having a Christmas Eve party and my sewer got backed up. Everyone had to go home and now I have to wait until Monday to get it fixed. It's a 15-minute drive to the local McDonald's to take a crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 22:00

Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML

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By shnigel - 27/2/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I got sent out of the class for "inappropriate" behaviour. The teacher later forgot about me and sent a notice home to my parents stating that I skipped class. FML

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By Scarlett_Pixie - 24/12/2016 09:46 - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

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By sgibson982136 - 3/6/2019 20:00

Today, I spent 30 minutes ringing up a Guinea pig and supplies for a customer who talked like a sloth, all while she argued with over the price of everything, only for her to return it all 5 minutes later because her sister "changed her mind." FML

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By not a kiddy fiddler really - 29/5/2015 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2017 20:00

Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 20:33 - United States

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

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By Fairy31 - 1/3/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 06:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter." FML

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By Ishikur - 3/2/2016 13:33 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

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By puggles - 3/1/2011 06:52 - United States

Today, I found out that my beautiful engagement ring is a remake of the late Princess Diana's engagement ring. I also found out my fiancé bought it from an infomercial, for $19.95. FML

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By embarrassed2 - 24/1/2011 02:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tickled me. In between laughs, I warned him that I was going to pee myself. He didn't believe me. After I actually did, he suggested we use a "safety word" from now on so that he will know when I'm being serious. FML

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By diddlebuag - 27/5/2011 22:09 - United States

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

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By razzmataz - 28/1/2009 13:38 - United States

Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML

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By parisklutz - 20/10/2012 07:06 - France - Dounoux

Today, it was my first day in Paris. I've been saving up for five years. It was a rainy day, but I was determined to go see the Eiffel Tower. On my way, I fell down a slippery set of stairs and knocked both of my front teeth out. Now, I have the view of the Eiffel Tower from my hospital window. FML

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By little tooth - 6/11/2008 13:39 - France

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

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By StinkyandStupid - 15/3/2012 17:49 - United States

Today, I was calling my husband while driving. While the phone rang, I farted. As soon as the horrid smell hit my nose, my husband answered. I panicked and hung up quickly, thinking to myself how embarrassed I was because he could smell it. I'm an idiot. FML

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By Frozen Delight - 24/2/2019 22:00 - United States - New York

Today, my husband and our 4-year-old daughter were watching My Little Pony. When her favorite character angrily screamed, "You're going to love me!", she looked at him with a perplexed look. My husband then responded, "And THAT'S how I met your mommy!" FML

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By levi69 - 18/5/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

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By whyyy - 21/11/2011 23:26 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML

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By ohgodwhy - 10/2/2012 09:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to cheer me up after I'd had a sleepless night. He thought it would be a good time to propose. Unfortunately, it coincided with me yawning. FML

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By workerbee - 27/1/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, I was on a conference call in my office with the door closed. I let out some loud farts and felt liberated. Forgot my phone was NOT on mute. There were only 3 people on the conference call - including me. FML

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By Shopper - 23/5/2012 22:50 - United States

Today, I was shopping with a friend. We snuck into the same fitting room so we could give our opinions on each other's clothes. The suspicious saleswoman knocked on the door and asked how many people were in our room. I quickly answered, "It's OK. She's just watching." FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 19/3/2019 13:00 - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, my building's fire alarm went off. Unfortunately, this coincided with sexy time, and the loud alarm made me jumpy, making it extremely difficult to untie my naked boyfriend. FML

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By don'tdrinkthat - 3/11/2013 22:27 - United States - Quincy

Today, I came home to find my 14-year-old son attempting to get drunk off aftershave. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

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By janused - 18/2/2015 17:17 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my dad still refuses to repay the loan I gave him. I've just barely managed to pay my bills, and I'm now so poor that I'll have to survive the next 3 days until my next paycheck by eating the only thing left in my fridge: a jar of cheese whiz. FML

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By mokki - 31/3/2015 12:56 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

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By ... - 12/2/2019 18:00

Today, I finally had an interview for my dream job. It was all going great until I started chuckling uncontrollably, snorted like a pig and hit the guy with the world's largest snot rocket. All I could do was slip out the door as he sat paralysed with shock. FML

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By meegs - 17/10/2010 00:31 - Canada

Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow my favourite dress for a party she was going to tonight. When I asked her where she was going, she said to a Halloween costume party. My sister is going as a prostitute. FML

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Top comments

By knowitall | 1

#102141 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:09

Dump her. Dump her now. Abusive people are not good relationship material.

By iamsashafierce | 0

#102128 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:05

how's you neice? did your girlfriend punch her too??

Comments

By Kross21 | 0

#102117 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:03

Well damn......

Reply

My2864 | 1

#983083 - Wednesday 21 April 2010 19:49

i dont like men who beat girls but your GF deserves the whip..
punching someone just for shopping??

Reply

blankaex | 0

#1398957 - Monday 13 September 2010 17:26

She OBVIOUSLY trusts you more than her friends. You should DEFINITELY keep dating her.

I hope the sarcasm was clear. It's sometimes hard to tell with text.

By hiandbye | 0

#102118 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:03

feisty little girlfriend

Reply

xlord | 27

#2658091 - Saturday 11 June 2011 4:14

she punched you? LIKE A BOSS!!

Reply

GRRSOM | 7

#3509291 - Saturday 29 October 2011 19:02

I wonder how things are in the bedroom. Actually, it may be too much for me, nevermind.

Reply

keirookami | 11

#6259348 - Saturday 11 April 2015 16:11

dont take domestic abuse lightly. Equality of the sexes

By mattz_fml | 0

#102119 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:04

Wow, she can HIT!

Reply

Nooneslooking | 0

#2727624 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 4:54

he's dating She-Hulk apparently.

Reply

j_729 | 18

#5320440 - Saturday 12 January 2013 10:18

Wow she's a keeper....an over protective girlfriend lucky you

By hawky_06 | 0

#102126 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:04

lolz fail on ur gf behalf

By iamsashafierce | 0

#102128 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:05

how's you neice? did your girlfriend punch her too??

Reply

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#6065472 - Monday 15 September 2014 11:02

OPs gf: You lil slut!! How dare you go shopping with my boyfriend!! *KOs 3 year old*

Reply

thisisbutaname | 38

#7770843 - Monday 18 February 2019 14:39

* Batista Bombs 3YO

By bravesman1983 | 0

#102130 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:06

Sounds like a really healthy relationship.

By jabbaundead | 0

#102136 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:07

hahahahaha. wow, she should have punched you AFTER she asked the question.

Reply

alexxss_fml | 10

#1002982 - Sunday 23 May 2010 5:11

yea well some people are stupid like that. they never flipping wait for an explanation they always assume what their stupid selves think and leave the other persons response out of the picture...

By cue_tumbleweed | 0

#102139 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:08

HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Your girl don't play, man. Punch first, ask questions later? Thug life.

Reply

rck18 | 0

#1126194 - Friday 23 July 2010 1:14

lol!

Reply

slient_death | 0

#1438623 - Wednesday 22 September 2010 3:08

lol totally

By notmuch | 0

#102140 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:09

Punch first, ask questions later.

She sounds like a keeper...

By knowitall | 1

#102141 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:09

Dump her. Dump her now. Abusive people are not good relationship material.

Reply

LaLince | 40

#5197709 - Thursday 29 November 2012 16:30

agreed