Love: Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping... - FML

By GotPunched - Finland

Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML

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Lockdown is driving us down

Breaking Badly

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By jack1057 - 14/7/2020 05:01

Black Lives Matter

Today, I was on my way home and there were BLM protestors, who I have no problem with, but my car was parked where they were and I had to sit there for three hours until they left so I could drive off. FML

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By Dumbfuck - United States

Today, I found out that being rhythmically challenged really really sucks. I was trying to dance around sexily for my girlfriend, and I was doing that one move where you thrust your pelvis forward, and swing you hand from side to side. I hit myself in the nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, the kid next to me asked me, in all seriousness, if gay people have feelings like regular people. I'm gay, and I have to sit next to this barnacle until June. FML

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By Anonymous

Sounds illegal

Today, I got a lot of tips at work, but little did I know our boss takes it out of our paychecks. FML

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By Cano951 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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By Soaked - United States

Today, there was a 10-minute cloudburst. It started 30 seconds after I parked my car and ended 30 seconds after I arrived at the office. Now the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I look like I took a shower fully clothed. Oh, and I'm wearing thin white pants. FML

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By hopeless1 - United States

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML

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By tired of my job - Canada - Surrey

Today, I was at work, stocking shelves. A customer got mad because I was in the way of her "shopping time" and knocked down all the work I had done. FML

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By vargasm - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about 4 minutes. Then she said "Can I have my hand back?" FML

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By StupidSecurityConsultant

Today, I was supposed to do a month's work presentation at the company I work for. They skipped over my presentation, because they needed time for the "weight loss" competition presentation. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

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By LAME - United States

Today, I was at my ex-girlfriends house, whom I still have a major crush on. After cuddling as we watched a movie, she began to show me several pictures she had taken on her cell, and asked which ones I liked the best. She then sent the pictures I had chosen, to a guy she had met a week ago. FML

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By kya - 29/1/2021 03:31

Low effort

Today, my mother, who works in retail, wears her mask around my dad and my siblings, but deliberately takes it off around me. I always knew she hated me. FML

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By insignificant - United States

Today, I was getting on a bus, the driver shut the door on me while I was half way inside. Instead of apologizing to me, he criticized me for getting in the way. FML

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By FMeeee - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

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By Jopes - United States

Today, I cut down a dead tree in my yard. The top hit the ground and the base seesawed up in the air and came down on my head. I hit the ground like a sack of flour. Fortunately, the wood was rotted and soft. Unfortunately, the chainsaw was still running. 28 stitches in my calf. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 14:01

Stalker vibes

Today, a woman who has a history of being horrible came into my work. I had to help her, so I was determined to be so nice that she couldn't possibly complain about me, like she has about several co-workers before. Apparently, I was too nice. Now she loves me and wants me to help her every time she comes in. FML

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By jack - United States - Mcnabb

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months got mad at me because I thought she was attractive. She has an identical twin, and she says if I think she's attractive, I must want her twin too. FML

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By Clare - Canada

Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

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By "Alittlebitiffy"

Today, my husband insists he'll be able to make a career out of playing League of Legends. He says this with only $4 in our bank account because of his last brilliant career move. FML

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By Alex

Today, I was working at my job at a bank. A couple was waiting in the lobby, and not being busy, I asked what they needed. They told me that they were applying for a loan, so I asked if it was for something exciting. It was to pay for their 12-year-old son's burial expenses. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2020 17:01

Healthcare is broken

Today, after driving 3 and a half hours to the nearest major emergency room, waiting 7+ hours to see my grandfather's bowel cancer specialist, we were told to go back to our hotel. Why? The triage nurse never logged my grandfather into the system, so his doctor went home at 9.00 p.m. when he'd finished theatre. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, I punished my new dog for going potty inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

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By emptypockets - 28/6/2020 17:00

Rich people problems

Today, after spending thousands of dollars on remodelling and painting our house, making it exactly how we wanted it, my husband's grandma passed away, leaving us her house. I’m debating on ripping everything out and taking it to the new house my hubby is so eager to move into now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

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By Slayeddd - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

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By wastedlove - United States

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

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By baddoggy - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

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By obsequiousfannyflapper - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I felt so lonely that when I was watching a ghost show, I wished my house was haunted so at least some sort of presence was with me, even if it was in another dimension. FML

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By shitty candles - United States - Issaquah

Today, I dug out the 5 fancy, extremely expensive candles I bought during Black Friday. I lit one up, and was delighted that it smelled so great. My mother then walked into my room and stated that it smelled "like shit". The other four were going to be a Christmas gift for her. FML

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By longest minute - United States - Cypress

Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML

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By ??? - 12/10/2020 08:00 - United States

Tiger King

Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML

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By RB84

Today I got a call from my daughter's school, because she claimed that she couldn't see out of her right eye. I panicked and went to pick her up. On the way to the emergency room, she turns to me and says, "I'm fine. I didn't want to take a test." FML

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By whatsmccraken - Taiwan

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

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By nooneinparticular - 21/5/2020 08:00

Fragrant

Today, I realized that I get turned on by my girlfriend's perfume. My mother started using the same one. FML

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By scoobses - United States

Today, my pain-in-the-ass co-worker is finally leaving. Unfortunately, I was chosen to do the bulk of her job. She has given me no training and on her last day, just smirked at me on her way out and say, "Enjoy doing my job too, fucker". I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By Awesome - Russian Federation

Today, I found out that I was moving to Germany. I'm going to be put back a year in school because of the system change. I also don't speak a word of German. Why? Because my mother wants to brag about this experience to her friends. FML

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By coffeeburns - United States

Today, I was at a Starbucks drive-thru and was grabbing a hot coffee when I got rear ended and my car hit the vehicle in front of me which deployed my airbag. Hot coffee can really burn when it hits your face at a high rate of speed. FML

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Top comments

By knowitall | 1

#102141 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:09

Dump her. Dump her now. Abusive people are not good relationship material.

By iamsashafierce | 0

#102128 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:05

how's you neice? did your girlfriend punch her too??

COMMENTS

By Kross21 | 0

#102117 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:03

Well damn......

Reply

My2864 | 1

#983083 - Wednesday 21 April 2010 19:49

i dont like men who beat girls but your GF deserves the whip..
punching someone just for shopping??

Reply

blankaex | 0

#1398957 - Monday 13 September 2010 17:26

She OBVIOUSLY trusts you more than her friends. You should DEFINITELY keep dating her.

I hope the sarcasm was clear. It's sometimes hard to tell with text.

By hiandbye | 0

#102118 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:03

feisty little girlfriend

Reply

xlord | 27

#2658091 - Saturday 11 June 2011 4:14

she punched you? LIKE A BOSS!!

Reply

GRRSOM | 7

#3509291 - Saturday 29 October 2011 19:02

I wonder how things are in the bedroom. Actually, it may be too much for me, nevermind.

Reply

keirookami | 11

#6259348 - Saturday 11 April 2015 16:11

dont take domestic abuse lightly. Equality of the sexes

By mattz_fml | 0

#102119 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:04

Wow, she can HIT!

Reply

Nooneslooking | 0

#2727624 - Tuesday 21 June 2011 4:54

he's dating She-Hulk apparently.

Reply

j_729 | 18

#5320440 - Saturday 12 January 2013 10:18

Wow she's a keeper....an over protective girlfriend lucky you

By hawky_06 | 0

#102126 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:04

lolz fail on ur gf behalf

By iamsashafierce | 0

#102128 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:05

how's you neice? did your girlfriend punch her too??

Reply

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#6065472 - Monday 15 September 2014 11:02

OPs gf: You lil slut!! How dare you go shopping with my boyfriend!! *KOs 3 year old*

Reply

thisisbutaname | 38

#7770843 - Monday 18 February 2019 14:39

* Batista Bombs 3YO

By bravesman1983 | 0

#102130 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:06

Sounds like a really healthy relationship.

By jabbaundead | 0

#102136 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:07

hahahahaha. wow, she should have punched you AFTER she asked the question.

Reply

alexxss_fml | 10

#1002982 - Sunday 23 May 2010 5:11

yea well some people are stupid like that. they never flipping wait for an explanation they always assume what their stupid selves think and leave the other persons response out of the picture...

By cue_tumbleweed | 0

#102139 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:08

HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Your girl don't play, man. Punch first, ask questions later? Thug life.

Reply

rck18 | 0

#1126194 - Friday 23 July 2010 1:14

lol!

Reply

slient_death | 0

#1438623 - Wednesday 22 September 2010 3:08

lol totally

By notmuch | 0

#102140 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:09

Punch first, ask questions later.

She sounds like a keeper...

By knowitall | 1

#102141 - Saturday 11 April 2009 16:09

Dump her. Dump her now. Abusive people are not good relationship material.

Reply

LaLince | 40

#5197709 - Thursday 29 November 2012 16:30

agreed