Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend's dad pulled out the chocolate flavoured... - FML

By Anon - 04/08/2013 05:36 - Australia - Perth

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's dad pulled out the chocolate flavoured condom that went missing under the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 556

You deserved it 20 214

Broken heart

Triage

Overreach

By Anonymous - 28/09/2010 20:42 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 487

You deserved it 3 211

By Hover Hand - 21/11/2012 02:37 - United States - Merchantville

Today, someone posted photos from a party I was at. On each photo I'm posing in with a girl, my hand is not touching her, but is hovering over her like some creepy weirdo loser. My Facebook nickname is now of course "Hover Hand." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 127

You deserved it 22 900

Vicious and unprovoked

By Anonymous - 12/07/2020 05:01

Today, while I was playing football with a friend, my sister wanted to join in. She was messing around with the ball at the start, then suddenly she kicked the ball through my legs, pulled my shorts down and kneed me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 172

Thanks, but…

By howtragic - 17/08/2011 12:13 - Australia

Today, my husband wrote all these wonderful romantic messages to me via Facebook, proclaiming his love to me in front of all my friends and family. Too bad he hasn't spoken to me in "real life" for almost 3 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 521

You deserved it 3 648

By Anonymous - 24/09/2013 07:23 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I asked my dad why he only has pictures of me from when I was a little kid. Without skipping a beat, he said, "I only keep pictures from when I liked you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 124

You deserved it 2 347

By twinArmageddon2 - 15/04/2014 06:04 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 282

You deserved it 11 263

By starboi - 20/12/2016 19:19 - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 462

You deserved it 1 310

By Lord Kane of Flatulon - 06/10/2015 11:13 - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, I found out my dad has been using the flip-flops I wear in the shower. The reason I wear them is to prevent myself from getting his nasty foot fungus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 791

You deserved it 1 660

By Anonymous - 08/08/2011 07:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 792

You deserved it 3 994

By Beeh - 24/12/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I shared the story of my younger brother's unexpected death with a friend. After telling him the story, I looked at him with teary eyes and he looked back into my eyes and said "I understand how you feel. That is almost as bad as when I lost my cat last spring term." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 808

You deserved it 3 395

By knife knife - 20/09/2016 00:38 - United Kingdom - Dalkeith

Today, I ate out, even though I was tired. When my main course arrived, I realised I had sent both my forks away with the starter plate. Rather than say anything, I ate dinner with two knives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 795

You deserved it 14 792

By dejected - 28/02/2010 01:32 - United States

Today, feeling down and dejected because of the shitty weather and none of my friends or family wanting to spend time with me to feel loved I took my favorite stuffed animal and that says 'I love you' when you squeeze it. I squeezed it. Nothing happened. Even an inanimate object rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 209

You deserved it 6 722

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 21:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 891

You deserved it 8 176

By NotAModel - 30/04/2012 15:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, after putting an ad on Craigslist to sell a coat, I finally got a call. The guy on the phone seemed interested, and was especially curious to know if I could "model" it for him, in "stockings and suspenders." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 180

You deserved it 3 836

By balls - 02/10/2015 05:49 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 487

You deserved it 29 899

By assdialed. - 04/11/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my dad that I haven't heard from in months. I didn't answer, but it left me an accidental voicemail saying "Oh s***, I didn't mean to call her!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 486

You deserved it 2 577

By Mia - 28/07/2013 06:18 - United States - Laurel

Today, I was mistaken for my twin brother twice. This probably wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 895

You deserved it 4 652

By thesmartone - 21/06/2012 03:44 - United States

Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 945

You deserved it 4 813

By princesss_14 - 26/12/2013 02:07 - United States - Seguin

Today, I got a whistle key finder from my grandma for Christmas. This would have been nice if I could actually whistle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 989

You deserved it 4 918

By Pumpkin - 18/07/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 161

You deserved it 102 815

By Scarlet - 09/08/2016 18:01

Today, after calling my bank to see where my paycheck was, and waiting on hold for my entire lunch break, my boss told me she forgot to submit my deposit. I was relying on that money to pay for lunch today as I used all I had for bills. Looks like I eat tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 613

You deserved it 1 128

Thanks little buddy

By crushed - 10/03/2021 14:00

Today, I was in the middle of my workout when my cat meowed so loudly, it startled me into dropping a 50-pound weight onto my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 244

By tandc - 01/05/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, in a rush to squeeze out of a particularly tight parking spot, I made a hurried 12-point turn. Just to make sure I had enough room behind, I hopped out of my car. It was still in reverse. I managed to wreck my own car without even sitting in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 350

You deserved it 27 861

By sickness_sucks - 15/06/2012 06:19 - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I learned that if you're going to use vicks vapor rub for a cold, you should remember to wash your hands before changing your tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 989

You deserved it 17 098

By anonymous - 16/10/2014 20:53 - United States - Canton

Today, I walked into my house and saw it was flooded. I went upstairs to the bathroom to see the toilet overflowing and my boyfriend holding my dog over it so he could drink it. My boyfriend said he didn't know what else to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 058

You deserved it 4 043

Family heirloom

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 02:01

Today, I got the dress I gave to a tailor to replace a broken zipper back. When I tried it on, I discovered that they’d cut at least 4 inches of fabric, and being skinny, there’s no way I can ever fit into it. It’s from the 1950’s, inherited from my late grandma, who in turn inherited it from her aunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 140

You deserved it 71

By 4am blues - 13/07/2015 04:39 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my cat thought it was appropriate to bring a bird into the house at 4 a.m.; the bird thought it was appropriate to attack my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 278

You deserved it 2 528

By art_major - 25/05/2011 14:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to my graduate art show wearing a t-shirt saying "My other daughter is a science major". He'd had it specially made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 787

You deserved it 7 596

In all my days…

By Anonymous - 05/08/2020 08:01

Today, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown, and poured my heart out to a doctor, who seemed to be well over 60. She looked at me, flabbergasted and said, "I never met anyone with that many problems!" Gee, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 447

You deserved it 216

By Tristansefam1367 - 12/03/2012 13:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 201

You deserved it 6 116

A Dog's Love = Priceless

By Sudokori - 29/08/2017 20:00

Today, I bought a lottery ticket. Two hours ago, I found out that the ticket was worth $100. Five minutes ago, I found my dog eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 317

You deserved it 625

By runandmope - 29/07/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, while on my run, I saw a middle-aged man sleeping near a business condo. I approached him and asked if he was "ok." He grabbed my leg, held onto it with a death-grip, and moped about how horrible his life was - for ten minutes. At least the weather was nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 769

You deserved it 8 918

By ArmyMan - 24/06/2009 16:37 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is a real inspiration. I asked him what motivated him to join The Navy. He said he was drunk and didn't remember joining until he was called up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 755

You deserved it 9 879

By viviham - 04/05/2012 12:08 - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 677

You deserved it 2 326

By mikeycoco - 20/05/2011 14:39

Spicy

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 207

You deserved it 6 874

By pacelily - 30/08/2016 20:32 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 859

You deserved it 878

By meeeeeee - 26/11/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend peeing in the cat's litter box. I'm the one who has to clean it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 927

You deserved it 3 867

By JackG - 03/03/2010 01:20 - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 945

You deserved it 3 026

By Anonymous - 14/05/2016 15:48

Today, a very attractive man asked me out on a date, and I said yes. He is tall, charming and a very good kisser. I'm sure the woman he heavily made out with after I left would agree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 709

You deserved it 978

By Dizzie Rascal - 31/08/2016 11:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I made spaghetti bolognese for three people. Of those three people, only one got food poisoning. Me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 292

You deserved it 1 731

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Top comments

Everyday_Galaxy 14

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:14

Hopefully it was an unused chocolate condom.

patrickalamo 47

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:15

Good thing everyone likes chocolate.

Comments

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:11

hm well isn't that just yummy

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 4 August 2013 14:00

He found it. He didn't eat it.

jessBeAqueen 13

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Sunday 4 August 2013 14:56

no he didnt... that was the girlfriends job.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 16:40

He should put it on a cake.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 16:54

Gross... Poor father. :(

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Monday 5 August 2013 16:30

what i dont get is why parents are so horrified at finding condoms: "oh no! my child is taking precautions to avoid pregnancy and STI's!"

Everyday_Galaxy 14

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:14

Hopefully it was an unused chocolate condom.

xlord 27

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Sunday 4 August 2013 14:14

But who doesn't love a cream filled chocolate egg?

firefighter925 18

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Sunday 4 August 2013 14:40

Rookie mistake

jessBeAqueen 13

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Sunday 4 August 2013 14:58

chocolate egg ? no more like a chocolate covered twinkie

patrickalamo 47

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:15

Good thing everyone likes chocolate.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 14:04

Not anymore I don't.

PterodactylMan 23

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Sunday 4 August 2013 18:12

Isn't it better when you find chocolate you didn't know you lost?

CommonSenseKarma 17

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Wednesday 7 August 2013 2:35

I'd suck a dick but only if it was dark chocolate-flavored

ShadowWolfoxImp 18

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:16

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:24

What?

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:26

#4 I'm pretty sure that was OP's intention before he lost the condom and his girlfriends dad has no business poking around in their personal lives, if OP is cool then dad should be cool.

CaiDog 20

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:32

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 15:20

I think I have to agree with #11. What are any of you even talking about? Stop trying so hard to be funny.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 17:21

4 - I tried to laugh and joke, but there came no laugh, and there was no joke. I'm sorry to disappoint you :(

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Monday 5 August 2013 16:32

i think 4 missed out the word 'found'

ShadowWolfoxImp 18

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Thursday 8 August 2013 21:39

O_O I DID forget the word found... I just noticed that... That's also not the first time. I end up thinking faster than I type and even when I proofread... it looks perfectly correct... Sorry about that!

xXxJaGsTeRxXx 11

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:17

I guess he burst your bubble.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:59

Chocolate bubble. Maltesers!!!

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:17

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

ryanthecheeseguy 18

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Sunday 4 August 2013 14:36

I'm sure they'll find a way.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:18

In the end anything is better then him catching you in the act. At least in this situation you are fully clothed and prepared to run away.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 18:39

And he knows they used protection.

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Monday 5 August 2013 6:35

56, obviously they didn't.. The condom got lost

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:21

You should have looked for it a little harder

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:21

Was her dad suspicious of you? Your lesson is never throw your used condoms under the couch! You never know who is going to find them.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:23

It's an Oreo condom, OP- Chocolate on the outside, creamy filling inside!!

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:39

I don't think I can ever look at an Oreo the same way again. Thanks.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 14:28

...or a used chocolate condom either!! It's a 2-fer! You're welcome!!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 5

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 319

You deserved it 80

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 717

You deserved it 221