Health: Today, my girlfriend got heartburn. She started freaking out,...

By Anonymous - 14/08/2017 14:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my girlfriend got heartburn. She started freaking out, convinced she was having a heart attack. Five hours and an ambulance later, we finally left the ER with a diagnosis of 'too many hot dogs.' FML

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Health

Weddings blow

Smoking kills

Nice guys

By anon - 24/05/2012 18:59 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I am on vacation in the Smoky Mountains with my parents. They just decided to take me to the place I was conceived seventeen years ago: a bench at a public park. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 363

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By Anonymous - 13/03/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, while at the bakery section of my local supermarket, I heard the beat of what I assumed was a song playing. I really got into it, and bobbed my head and danced a little. After getting some strange looks, I realized the "beat" was a machine mixing frosting. FML

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By WhereforeArtThouJustice - 10/12/2014 21:49 - Portugal

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 904

You deserved it 2 273

By not a dick-man - 12/08/2014 17:05 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 591

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By anonymous - 06/07/2011 15:21 - United States

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

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You deserved it 3 706

By Anonymous - 09/05/2011 04:37 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 798

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By Fml24609 - 20/08/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king size bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 686

You deserved it 5 708

By Cherie - 31/08/2009 21:18 - United States

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said "Oh my god I'm sorry! I thought this was the women's washroom." It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML

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People are people

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 08:02 - Netherlands - Almere

Today, after almost 2 months of working from home alone, I was out walking and heard 2 guys talking. One was sitting in his car smoking weed; the other was standing next to the car telling him how he was tested positive today. Maybe not mention you are Covid positive when you're not supposed to be in public at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 07/04/2011 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML

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By Anonymous - 06/03/2015 01:34 - United States - Ridge

Today, my wife complained that the coffee grounds I swept into the sink grossed her out. Yesterday, I removed several panty-liners from her soiled underwear before doing the laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 071

You deserved it 2 987

By Anonymous - 23/04/2013 16:24 - United States

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/09/2010 00:36 - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 349

You deserved it 3 123

By ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- - 04/09/2015 15:48 - United States - Laurel

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 308

You deserved it 1 614

By qwertyasdfghzxcv - 11/02/2009 22:05 - Canada

Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 601

You deserved it 27 220

By Jess49 - 03/12/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML

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You deserved it 4 804

By Anonymous - 05/10/2018 14:00

Today, I splurged thousands of dollars on the breed of dog that I've loved since I was a kid from a reputable breeder. He is allergic to all food except the 24lb food for $70 and has sensitivities galore, including a seizure from a shot. I've spent $5,000 in vet bills in the first week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 741

You deserved it 3 077

By mystery - 17/06/2012 02:08 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 646

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By sciencetime - 10/12/2016 11:33

Today, I had environmental science class. My teacher doesn't believe humans are affecting climate change or that we should protect endangered species. He slants class discussions so now all my classmates agree with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 100

You deserved it 1 098

By Murphy’s Christmas - 13/12/2018 13:30

Today my husband blew a tire in a hidden pothole on the way to work. I picked him up in my car later that day, only to hit an entirely different pothole, bending my rim and catapulting my hubcap into the woods. FML

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By Jason - 12/08/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

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You deserved it 44 286

By Anonymous - 11/02/2011 15:46 - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

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You deserved it 3 502

Too passionate for me

By Mutton - 08/03/2021 17:01

Today, during one of my wife’s very infrequent amorous moments, she headbutted me and split one of my front teeth in half. I now have two teeth where there used to be one, and I can see the exposed nerve in the crack. Yes, it’s as excruciating as it sounds FML

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You deserved it 88

Truth

By why - 04/11/2015 01:13 - United States

Today, it's easier to buy a house than it is to get out of a gym contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 773

You deserved it 2 169

By Noname - 25/11/2008 18:05 - Canada

Today, I was going to confess to my best friend that I am madly in love with her. I called her up only to find her crying. She was upset that she might be pregnant with some guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 927

You deserved it 2 875

By Anonymous - 13/04/2016 23:46 - United States - Cary

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

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You deserved it 1 219

Pleased to meet you

By Anonymous - 12/04/2009 19:41 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the hospital. This lady was calling the Nurses' Station, and I had to go see what she wanted. When I asked her what she needed, she mumbled something. As I leaned in closer to hear what she was saying, she threw up all over my face. Apparently, she was nauseous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 440

You deserved it 4 920

By skyhigh - 13/01/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 670

You deserved it 3 303

By Oh_baby - 10/06/2009 17:35 - United States

Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 971

You deserved it 4 417

By GLX - 14/06/2017 17:00 - United States - Sand Springs

Today, a "friend" tried to sell me a digital camera that I recognized that was stolen from my home a week earlier, along with a few other things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 676

You deserved it 251

By notthesame - 18/08/2016 04:45 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my overprotective dad bolted all of my windows shut so that I don't turn out like my sister and sneak out or sneak boys in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 655

You deserved it 1 179

By perfecttiming - 06/05/2013 15:25 - United States - San Jose

Today, my manager called me in to tell me I got the promotion I've been hoping for. He then said that since I didn't look excited about it he might have to rethink it. I was too busy concentrating on holding in diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 573

You deserved it 4 647

By Bridget - 06/05/2012 18:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 203

You deserved it 7 127

By Potty-Pot - 23/01/2017 10:00

Today, my flatmate took his hour plus long shower while we both tried to get ready for work. I had a choice to wet myself or pee in a cooking pot. I chose the pot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 074

You deserved it 635

By Anonymous - 17/09/2017 01:30

Today, while sorting through my deceased mother's hoard of belongings, I found myself holding a necklace composed entirely of teeth. Human teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 978

You deserved it 258

By darknight - 21/07/2019 02:03

Today, I found out that pretending to be a bum begging for money can get you stuck in a jail cell for a few hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 527

You deserved it 3 772

By Adam Jensen - 18/06/2012 04:39 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was at work when a co-worker decided it would be funny to email me from my boss's computer to tell me I had been laid off. It wasn't funny when I was fired for real after "skipping work without giving notice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 833

You deserved it 2 502

By itswhateverr - 03/05/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 697

You deserved it 4 436

By not impressed - 09/10/2015 18:27 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied, dead serious, "That's nice and all, but anal speaks louder than words." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 196

You deserved it 4 574

By flipraff101 - 14/10/2009 09:20 - Australia

Today, I was at home and my boyfriend called me and said that I'd left my G-string at his house. I only have one G-string and I was wearing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 919

You deserved it 2 742

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Top comments

PennyLane27 32

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Monday 14 August 2017 21:52

Better to be safe than sorry! My husband had similar symptoms as a teenager. (Survival implied.) The first ER brushed it off as heartburn. The second ER trip almost did too but decided to do some diagnostics. He ended up having a grapefruit size cancerous tumor in his chest. You're generally pretty screwed if there's an episode of your diagnosis featured on House.

jfsiv 17

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Monday 14 August 2017 20:17

So she swallows huh?

jfsiv 17

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Monday 14 August 2017 20:17

So she swallows huh?

RichardPencil 30

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Monday 14 August 2017 20:40

Too bad! If she can’t handle multiple hot dogs, no bukkake parties for her!

Glowworm56 25

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Monday 14 August 2017 20:52

To be honest, I used to mix up heart attacks with heartburn as a kid. I thought both were deadly.

Lobby_Bee 17

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Monday 14 August 2017 21:15

Guess she won't be winning any hotdog eating contest anytime soon.

Talented73 54

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Monday 14 August 2017 21:23

Tell her, "I've got a hot dog right here for you -- and it makes its own sauce!"

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 20

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Monday 14 August 2017 21:50

Unfortunately Goku, you don't make it to the fight either... You die of heart failure the year before. -Why? They say too much bacon... *turns ssj* You take that back!

PennyLane27 32

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Monday 14 August 2017 21:52

PennyLane27 32

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Monday 14 August 2017 21:53

Moral of the story.. it's better to get it checked out than ignore it.

HanBanana15 9

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Monday 14 August 2017 22:29

I thought this was going in a totally different direction... Persistent heartburn is also a sign of pregnancy.

raven_of_azarath 34

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 1:51

Apparently especially if the baby has a lot of hair.

PenguinPal3017 19

Tuesday 15 August 2017 4:46

I'm always surprised when I hear about this mistake. Heartburn doesn't feel at all like a heart attack to me.

Sandra Foran 10

Tuesday 15 August 2017 5:48

Heart burn can be scary the first time you have it! I remember when I first got it, I freaked out thinking I was having heart palpitations. Glad all is well OP :)