Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said...

By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Roxboro

Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML

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Health

All in the family

Oh, hai!

Not a cheating!

By anonymous - 28/10/2014 03:40 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 11:48 - United States

Today, finishing up in the shower room, I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Apparently both bathrooms were occupied and my grandmother really had to go... She was bent over in the kitchen peeing into a cup. I may never be able to erase this image. FML

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By Teamarie - 11/8/2009 15:21 - United States

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

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By poor guy - 13/3/2020 05:16 - United States

Good deed, but still…

Today, I was at Goodwill and I saw my bike, which was stolen from me a couple of weeks ago. It was a gift that my mom gave me for my birthday. The bike was being sold for 65 dollars. I had to buy it. FML

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By send help - 7/3/2017 02:00

Help!

Today, at the Japanese restaurant I work for, we have 95 reservations and three servers. FML

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By new name - 6/11/2012 22:03 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, I told my family that I wanted to change my last name to my future wife's. We want to have the same last name, and we chose hers because she is an only child, while I have three brothers. Half of my family is laughing and calling me "pussy whipped" while the other half won't speak to me. FML

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By ddeit - 19/8/2011 02:10 - New Zealand

Today, I was having a chat with a customer. He asked if I was married, to which I replied, "No." Before I could say anything else, he said, "Thought so. You look too happy to be married." I was about to mention that I just got engaged. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2014 06:08 - United States

Today, I had a spur of the moment idea to go have my nose pierced. The piercer made sure to tell me how easily the little stud could get caught or hung up. I spent all day stressing over it only to scratch my nose and rip it out. Now I have a $40 bleeding hole in my nose. FML

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By maddy - 28/2/2010 17:10 - United States

Today, I had pancakes for breakfast, and without realizing it, I got syrup in my hair. After breakfast, I went to straighten my hair, only to burn the syrup and have it get stuck in my hair. There was no time to shower and it smelled. FML

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By BasicallySodaFlavoredWater - 14/12/2015 00:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML

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By ILoveLamps - 25/3/2015 06:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that my friend's family has been using red paper to help his little brother with his potty training. "Aim for the red!" they would say to him. I guess today was a bad day to wear red pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 05:10

Today, I finally got a promotion at work. Today I also found out that no matter how long I work, no matter how much effort and unpaid overtime I put in for 6 years, my coworkers will be convinced I only got promoted because I'm the CFO's son. FML

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By xXxXxTOBIxX - 22/7/2013 11:49 - United States - Raleigh

Today, while relaxing in a chair in a shop, a man approached me and said, "You have no idea how many times I've farted in that chair." FML

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By NotBeingPaidEnough - 3/3/2016 13:17 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a crazy homeless guy got angry because I wouldn't sell him a bottle of vodka at half price. He got so irrationally mad, he put his fingers down his throat and threw up on my checkout. FML

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By realitybites - 8/7/2013 17:03 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

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By ItaliczZz - 12/10/2011 08:13 - Australia

Today, I left my window open while practicing the saxophone. My drunk neighbours showed their appreciation for the music with a well-aimed firecracker that set my mattress on fire. My landlord has threatened to evict me as she thinks I set it off. FML

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By Sleeping moody - 8/8/2016 04:01 - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

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By itwasajoke - 25/12/2016 21:23

Today, I ran into an old friend for whom I used to have feelings. I hadn't seen her in years, so I thought it would be funny if I went up to her and said, "Hey, you look familiar, do I know you?" She thought I had really forgotten her and burst into tears. FML

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By fedlife - 9/4/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I was going running. It was an especially windy day and things were flying through the wind. Apparently, bodily fluid can also fly through the wind. Turns out, a women was barfing over a bridge and the wind caught it and it flew through the air. Right into my face and body. FML

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By Naomi - 10/11/2013 10:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband and I went for our 20 week scan and found out we're having a girl. The first thing he said to me was, "The next one better be a boy or I'm leaving you". FML

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By noonotme - 5/9/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

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By amazinghermit - 25/11/2014 04:21 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent an hour in my car terrified to go inside because I thought my house was being burgled. I saw rapid shadows in the light of my lounge. Eventually I plucked up the courage to creep inside with a rock to find it wasn't a robber. It was my cats, fighting in front of a toppled lamp. FML

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By dontworrybehappy - 28/8/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I was in the car going to a concert with my family. I was listening to my iPod, when the wheel broke and I couldn't change the song. So for the rest of the trip, I was stuck either listening to my parents arguing, or Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin on repeat. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

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By oops - 21/9/2013 01:30 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

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By Gw - 28/10/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were going on our honeymoon. Our flight was delayed by two hours. It landed when our connecting flight to St. Lucia was taking off. The airline said they were holding the flight for us, so we sprinted from D gate to A, in time to watch the plane pull away. FML

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By blaahh - 19/2/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 20:25 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

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By lizard - 9/1/2011 00:22 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandparents for the first time. When my boyfriend introduced us, his grandfather smiled at me, took my hand, and said in the most polite voice, "Wow, you're not nearly as pretty as he described you." FML

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By MikeMorin18 - 1/8/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML

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By EliseV - 3/11/2014 18:56 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I lost my virginity. In the middle of it, he just gave up and said he wasn't in the mood anymore. Then I had to listen about his past failed relationships for over an hour. FML

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By Cam - 21/5/2012 22:38 - United Kingdom - Holsworthy

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2013 07:24 - United States - Duncannon

Today, the McDonald's in my town ran out of fries. I was the one who had to tell all the angry customers we had no more fries in the store. FML

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By eddiemusicjazz - 26/5/2012 07:30 - United States - Azusa

Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML

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By driver26 - 14/12/2010 05:15 - Canada

Today, I was arguing in the car with my boyfriend about who was the better driver. Being so incensed by the fact that he thought he was better made me completely zone out, and run a red light. FML

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By RIPJarJar - 20/10/2017 22:18

Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 19:05 - United States - Brandon

Today, my brother was doing an extremely annoying Shrek impression, so I turned the TV on in a desperate attempt to drown him out. You'll never guess what movie was on. FML

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By scratchpost - 28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

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By snitchovich - 27/5/2009 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

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By MimiFufu - 22/9/2019 16:00

I am what I am

Today, yet again I got delayed in airport security. One month ago, I thought it was a good idea to wear make-up when renewing my passport. It turns out I look nothing like myself without makeup. Hello shattered confidence and 5 years of needing to wear makeup for every flight. FML

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Top comments

By jakers8424 | 18

#6464591 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Is she a lesbian if she doesn't cry

By Sphanz | 17

#6464599 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:17

Dump that hoe she obviously can't think for herself

Comments

By hantu69 | 22

#6464587 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:13

Poor guy

OSMC | 10

#6465039 - Thursday 19 November 2015 15:08

on rhe upside, he now has confirmation that he should find another, gentler and more compassionate, girl instead of a bitch that one must have been

MrsDruidess | 23

#6465762 - Friday 20 November 2015 8:37

agreed!! run OP!! god could you imagine how horrible she would be as a mom lile that?!? Seriously OP, run or at least wrap that joy stick down tight!!

By LittlePengy | 22

#6464588 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:14

im sorry for your loss, op. your gf needs to be more considerate! FYL

skatoolaki | 24

#6464712 - Thursday 19 November 2015 2:01

Someone like that probably isn't capable of being more more considerate.

higgysaurus | 18

#6464905 - Thursday 19 November 2015 9:11

"Consideration is for pussies!!!"

By jakers8424 | 18

#6464591 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:15

Is she a lesbian if she doesn't cry

vikky538 | 28

#6464609 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:22

Double standards man.. Double standards

91hayek | 31

#6464648 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:40

No, the opposite, it'd be a butch thing not to cry.

ManiacGoblin46 | 12

#6464660 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:55

No it just would mean you're a heartless bastard

JustinJK | 21

#6464765 - Thursday 19 November 2015 4:01

I'm so confused because I actually have emotional issues as in I have problems communicating my emotions and bottle them up and never cry. so does that mean I'm actually not gay? That I'm straight? shit.

OSMC | 10

#6465040 - Thursday 19 November 2015 15:11

nope, find some compassionate girl w/out double standards and talk to her, even if she is only a good friend, nobody honestly wants to have a *perfect* other half, too much to try and be a close second to /endrant

By Sphanz | 17

#6464599 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:17

Dump that hoe she obviously can't think for herself

Tripartita | 44

#6464621 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:25

I beg to differ; she arrived at this unique idiocy all by herself.

Sphanz | 17

#6464725 - Thursday 19 November 2015 2:21

Touché

By Xealkry | 18

#6464601 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:17

Leave her. She clearly doesn't know what emotion is. Probably doesn't have any for you.

HeatTransferFlow | 12

#6464671 - Thursday 19 November 2015 1:14

Yeah. I bet she never had parents.

By send3426 | 24

#6464610 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:22

You have a terrible girlfriend. Leave now while you still can.

By Etweens96 | 24

#6464615 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:23

I'm sorry for your loss op but your girlfriend needs to be more considerate

By 9a_1z | 12

#6464618 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:24

Your poor girlfriend has some very odd ideas about sexuality and how men function emotionally, what have they been teaching her? I hope it isn't too late for her.
I'm sorry she's making an already sad situation even worse for you.

palosqueak | 19

#6464646 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:39

thank you for being more considerate than her and all these "dump her!" typing people. Someone with a sense for humans, finally. Live a good life, man.

cIouds | 15

#6467005 - Saturday 21 November 2015 23:48

Dude, no. Just don't.

By pd2902 | 22

#6464620 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:24

Dump her. May sound harsh, but in a relationship you're meant to have compassion and understanding, obviously she has neither.

By Violenna | 14

#6464622 - Thursday 19 November 2015 0:25

I'm sorry for your loss OP....