Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she...

By RohnAbheek - 21/8/2011 17:36 - India

Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML

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Intimacy

Work name

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 31/1/2017 20:00 - United States - Jackson

Today, a woman came into my life and took all I had left in the world. The woman was my hair stylist. She took my hair and the last of my money. FML

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By clash - 28/11/2008 06:30 - France

Today, I haven't had sex for so long that my condoms have gone off. FML

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35783

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By okaydisarray - 22/3/2016 20:23 - United States - Dayton

Today, I received a letter from an eBay seller for whom I recently left an honest, negative review. I don't know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't ready for what spilled out coating my jeans, shoes, and brand new carpet: Glitter. FML

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By thanksalot - 10/7/2010 20:05 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that my grandma died, expecting to be comforted. She got mad at me for "stealing her thunder" because her cat died two days ago. FML

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By subtweetqueen - 9/9/2016 04:18 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

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By single and unbuggered - 31/7/2015 21:04 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He didn't break down into tears, or say he'd made a huge mistake, or even apologise. No, he just looked up and said "Bugger." FML

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By S3R1AL K1LL3R X - 19/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

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By Kelsiiii - 11/3/2020 03:00

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I pretended to be dead in front of my dog to see what he would do. He started to hump me, and when I tried to get up, he growled at me until I got back down on the ground to wait until he was finished. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 13:22 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I walked in on my dog slurping my coffee. I'm not sure how long we have been sharing my morning cup of joe. FML

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By khood - 14/4/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I bought a coral colored hooded sweatshirt, which my girlfriend told me was "hot". I wore it to a baseball game tonight. When it got cold I put the hood over my head, only to hear everyone behind me laugh. The back of the hood said "Boy crazy". It was a teen girls sweatshirt. FML

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By pottypattypeepants - 31/12/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

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By Ashleigh - 22/4/2011 18:43 - United States

Today, I was on a three hour flight to Los Angeles for a corporate meeting. The woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train, while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind. When I peered over and asked him to stop, he spat in my face. FML

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By SmokedSalmon - 13/2/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

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By callerid - 3/8/2009 11:45 - United States

Today, I had misplaced my cell phone. I decided the best course of action would be to dial the number from my house phone and wait for it to ring to locate it. Somebody answered when I called. It wasn't the wrong number and I had a brief conversation with the man that stole my phone. FML

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By IGOTIT - 5/9/2013 07:24 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card". FML

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By Squid - 7/11/2012 05:11 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it looked like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it for a couple of hours, giving it food, and rocking it to sleep, my parents found me. Then I realised it was just celery. Too bad it took that long for my meds to kick in. FML

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By woo. - 7/2/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street with my newly healed implants, when a drag queen approached me and asked who my doctor was, because I was the "most convincing transgender he had ever seen." I'm a woman. FML

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By pissfaced - 2/1/2010 13:41 - New Zealand

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

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9102

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By epicsandwichartist - 5/5/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 22:22 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

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By shorty - 11/4/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2018 15:30

Today, I accidentally put down the wrong year for my university graduation, so when my prospective boss was checking my references he found no mention of my name in that year's list of graduates. He accused me of faking my qualifications and refused to hire me. It was a 6-figure salary. FML

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By holly10350 - 14/10/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I allowed my friend to practice driving in my car. As she began to let the car roll forward, she looked at me and very seriously asked, "Brakes is the right pedal, right?" FML

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By bl3ur0z3 - 30/9/2019 00:01

The luck of the draw

Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

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By Arden - 3/2/2019 20:00

Today, my dog peed on my bed because my parents were presumably having sex and I was too scared to go downstairs and take her out because of it. FML

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By Nucleus - 8/10/2015 13:48 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

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By Calimero0 - 5/12/2017 01:30

Today, I felt so unwell that I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM. The baby woke up at 5, ready to start the day. FML

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By busybee - 10/5/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

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By jsquared - 5/11/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML

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By Beegee - 21/8/2013 04:40 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I couldn't find my insurance card, and the cop was very nice. He said not to worry about it, that I "looked like someone who had insurance." I'm not sure how to take that. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 01:02 - Australia

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

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By Kyle - 5/1/2012 06:58 - United States

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

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By stacyyvonne - 7/10/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I finally found the courage to tell my drug addict husband that I'm leaving him. He sat in his chair, denying using drugs, ever. Right after he said this, he passed out and spilled hot coffee on himself. He then denied spilling the coffee. As I was leaving, he took all of my shoes. FML

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By embarrassed much - 27/2/2016 03:14 - United States - Orlando

Today, I was talking to my new boss while on speakerphone. Then, my sister yelled for me, asking me to check whether she had a yeast infection or not. FML

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By Kpotassium - 19/12/2016 21:58 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML

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By Rakayla - 29/6/2019 12:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

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By pagvscgrac - 13/3/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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By fat_thighs - 29/4/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I read a PostSecret that said "I'm afraid my thighs will start to touch soon." My thighs have always touched. I didn't even know thighs weren't supposed to touch. FML

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Top comments

By thebeautybleeds | 17

#3155422 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:45

Why take a Viagra? If you wanted sex, you should have let the boner come from your girlfriend, not a pill.

By Trainspotting_fml | 9

#3155315 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:39

Between a rock and a hard place, eh?

Comments

By Trainspotting_fml | 9

#3155315 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:39

Between a rock and a hard place, eh?

Friaza | 29

#3155405 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:44

Looks like you'll be having a bonerific 24 hour ahead.

goebsy | 8

#3155561 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:55

"Spicing things up" with Viagra? Huh.

NavySEAL13 | 0

#3155585 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:58

Are you stupid ?

tona01 | 16

#3155681 - Monday 22 August 2011 2:16

Well i still think that a boner, is better than a bloody boner after sex

xDefendPopPunkx | 14

#3155882 - Monday 22 August 2011 2:59

For an erection lasting longer than four hours, make sure to contact a doctor as it may be harmful to your health. Commercials are so convenient.

aftertheriot | 0

#3155950 - Monday 22 August 2011 3:15

OP is going to turn out like the old guy from little fockers

kenjames | 4

#3156071 - Monday 22 August 2011 3:43

Anyone who doesn't know that rubbing one out solves the problem is retarded and deserves it.

adropofpeace | 8

#3156235 - Monday 22 August 2011 4:12

No no, we've been over this. "Spicing it up" is when you put spices in your bed.

Kyzahhh | 7

#3156285 - Monday 22 August 2011 4:20

Time to visit miss Palmer I think

Eaglestrike117 | 29

#3156484 - Monday 22 August 2011 4:57

What, are you 65?

SirObvious | 1

#3156574 - Monday 22 August 2011 5:09

Welcome to my world

NuTrees | 9

#3157026 - Monday 22 August 2011 6:29

The chick better clock in and suck this dick

lulututu | 4

#3157797 - Monday 22 August 2011 9:11

that's what my boyfriend calls it:p

rotwiler97 | 2

#3158237 - Monday 22 August 2011 10:33

or Handjolina Jolie!

themacuser | 0

#3158295 - Monday 22 August 2011 10:49

Hand Solo

XxHoPPoxX | 8

#3158739 - Monday 22 August 2011 13:11

sounds like you have S.B.S.......(sudden boner syndrome)

baconftw | 9

#3158842 - Monday 22 August 2011 13:39

Well at least you were thinking ahead

Tjack_atack | 0

#3159727 - Monday 22 August 2011 17:01

harnold plamer

humorizer | 14

#3162760 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:49

"massive boner all night"
You say this as though it's not normal.

goneblue | 3

#3166807 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 17:34

Idiot nothings better than sex, period or no. They make water for that

goneblue | 3

#3166815 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 17:37

Its your job to turn her on dipshot

goneblue | 3

#3166880 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 17:52

Win

hobbsicle805 | 0

#3175780 - Thursday 25 August 2011 4:45

161- she still won't have sex if she is bleeding down there dumbass

lcau322 | 0

#3247154 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 17:48

hell no idiot

By oneleggedbeauty | 0

#3155321 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:39

Well... You shouldn't assume you'll get lucky all the time....

reallytho3 | 11

#3155814 - Monday 22 August 2011 2:45

A man can dream cant he?

imcutefml | 0

#3155992 - Monday 22 August 2011 3:24

I can dunno bout every1 else

flagg1888 | 3

#3156038 - Monday 22 August 2011 3:36

-2 I completely agree 100%. You popping a pill does not automatically mean you are going to get some. Suck it up princess

oneleggedbeauty | 0

#3156282 - Monday 22 August 2011 4:20

Now really men.... I don't think if I had blood flowing out my happy hole, cramps, and bloating I'd be in the mood to please ye either

zachherbert | 10

#3156498 - Monday 22 August 2011 5:00

You would please Dracula

alpaquette91 | 9

#3156612 - Monday 22 August 2011 5:16

Or know your chicks cycle...

chickenwalrus | 14

#3156669 - Monday 22 August 2011 5:25

i dont see a problem here, its a perfect opportunity to try out anal :D

ChloeChan97 | 0

#3156951 - Monday 22 August 2011 6:17

At least wait till AFTER you know you're going to get laid to hire the help. *shakes head* pathetic..

facilitator | 0

#3157267 - Monday 22 August 2011 7:21

89, They have an app for that

Bofferding_fml | 6

#3178322 - Thursday 25 August 2011 19:26

When the sea is red, go through the mud... Enuff said..

hurtandabused | 7

#3920882 - Saturday 21 January 2012 22:22

It makes the craps better. N the Orgasm helps ur mood ;)

By RuthieBug | 4

#3155380 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:43

i shouldnt be laughing but I am... sucks for you dude..

CatEyes66 | 0

#3156240 - Monday 22 August 2011 4:13

At first glance I thought it said "I pooped a Viagra" I was like "WTF."

Alexunited1212 | 2

#3161838 - Monday 22 August 2011 22:38

While I was reading the FML I skipped the third line, so I read "I popped a Viagra to spice up her period."

ImmortalRiot | 0

#3163675 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 4:40

Pamela Handerson

By YaboyVinnie | 20

#3155415 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:44

Now that's a bloody overload.

maskedman | 9

#3157242 - Monday 22 August 2011 7:15

I agree. Now they both have too much blood in their genitals.

flamegrilled123 | 3

#3158346 - Monday 22 August 2011 11:09

"and then moses lifted his rod and split the red sea"

By iampetard | 0

#3155417 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:45

Dont always assume the best

Zeek63 | 0

#3158799 - Monday 22 August 2011 13:24

Op should make sure the erection didn't last over four hours or he should contact a doctor

By thebeautybleeds | 17

#3155422 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:45

Why take a Viagra? If you wanted sex, you should have let the boner come from your girlfriend, not a pill.

kaykay20 | 0

#3155600 - Monday 22 August 2011 2:00

Seems pretty stupid to take it if you don't actually have a penis problem. Well if it lasts more then four hours go to a doctor ASAP.

qazaq | 1

#3155715 - Monday 22 August 2011 2:24

It's a disorder genius

GreenMaze | 0

#3157096 - Monday 22 August 2011 6:45

That when Mrs. Hand come in handy.jk

ACRKEC3442 | 1

#3168909 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 23:26

SO TRUE! I think it's unnatural.

Classic_PWN | 1

#3172387 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 10:48

What you said!

daemonsparta | 16

#6283479 - Wednesday 6 May 2015 20:18

some people have problems making their penis work. its not as easy as "oh girl me hard now rawr"

By saIty | 17

#3155424 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:45

You better go online and buy a pair of Rosie O'Donnell pants. ASAP.

DrIDGAF | 7

#3155615 - Monday 22 August 2011 2:02

Hurry, sing the national anthem while looking at a picture of your grandma!

orangeduck | 6

#3155638 - Monday 22 August 2011 2:07

Remix

saIty | 17

#3155895 - Monday 22 August 2011 3:04

Oh! Say can you see? My grandmas really gangsta. *changes beat* with her hat turned sideways, looking like a fool with her pants on the ground. That'll be one goat sir.

ginger123456789 | 0

#3155980 - Monday 22 August 2011 3:23

Erectile dysfunction?

Xx_Dakota_xX | 1

#3156551 - Monday 22 August 2011 5:07

Don't old ppl use those anyways bc they can't get boners?? So OP basically can't get a boner and relies on a drug...thanks American for making us feel good...

By ckr911 | 5

#3155441 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:46

Nice one.

By DeathMaple | 3

#3155443 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:46

Maybe next time.

By Perksofbeingawal | 0

#3155499 - Monday 22 August 2011 1:50

SAY word?