Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have... - FML

By FullCircleProblem - 27/01/2016 06:04 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 895

You deserved it 2 342

Another great day to be alive

Vulture

Late term

By friendlessatwork - 02/10/2012 18:27 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, I got a coworker at my new job in trouble, because he kept harassing me and asking me out, even after I clearly told him I wasn't interested. Turns out he's very popular around here, and everyone now hates me for being a trouble-maker and not "taking a compliment." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 653

You deserved it 3 689

Don't dead open inside

By that’s not how this works! - 09/08/2021 23:01 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my mom went on a rant about how insulin and other diabetic medications are evil western poisons, and that she can control her condition naturally on her own. That would be great, if she actually ate right and exercised instead of just using meditation to “think” herself healthy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 925

You deserved it 65

By sarskii - 16/08/2010 23:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother found out that I'm sexually active. She wants me to tell my father. I'm seventeen, and my father still has trouble grasping the fact that I carry a purse, because it means I'm "growing up." This should be fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 824

You deserved it 19 479

By el_Jeffe_D - 11/09/2016 16:05 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, as I was walking up to a urinal I heard a small hiss. I looked up just in time to get an eye full of chemicals from the automatic air freshener. I rinsed my eye out and went back to the urinal. It happened again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 490

You deserved it 2 908

By grlks - 19/02/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, I told a girl I liked her. She replied, "Don't". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 022

You deserved it 5 851

By Anonymous - 22/11/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I got diagnosed with stomach ulcers. They are very painful, and I have been throwing up blood. On my latest trip to the toilet, I was heaving and the pain was making me beat the floor with my fist, the toilet lid decided to come crashing down on my head, giving me a minor concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 707

You deserved it 3 949

By hiii. - 16/03/2010 02:27 - United States

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 309

You deserved it 40 744

By Kurt's Dad - 15/05/2019 16:04

Today, during my grandmother's funeral, my talented ten-year-old son found the church organ and began playing Smells Like Teen Spirit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 698

You deserved it 292

What a catch

By Anonymous - 30/09/2021 02:00 - Australia

Today, rather than get me a birthday present, my boyfriend just got angry that I got gifts from other people. Apparently, it "made him feel guilty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 058

You deserved it 81

By Anonymous - 07/10/2018 12:00

Today, I hit someone’s car and got arrested for a DUI. I had to tell my parents so they could remove me from the insurance. My mom's response in the background after I told my dad was "I knew it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 4 251

By onemoredonut - 03/05/2016 01:39 - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 653

You deserved it 1 287

By daddysjudy92 - 28/09/2018 14:00

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 015

You deserved it 224

By jeezy - 23/02/2009 10:35 - Canada

Today, I was working my shift and my ex girlfriend came in to apply for a job. She broke up with me for another guy so i can't stand being in the same room as her. The manager talked to her and decided to hire her on the spot. I need to train her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 232

You deserved it 3 275

By Anonymous - 05/07/2016 19:46

Today, I got yelled at for not taking an order correctly at work. I've been washing dishes all day and haven't taken a single order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 090

You deserved it 863

By Anonymous - 04/09/2009 23:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home from work going over a railway-bridge, when a 12 year old boy standing at the bottom asks if I could help him carry his bike up, as he couldn't lift it. I did it for him, and was greeted on the other side by his father - who thought I was stealing it and hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 171

You deserved it 2 460

Halloween has started early

By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 00:01

Today, while walking down the street, I was violently beaten up by a man in a Darth Vader outfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 143

By Why - 24/04/2016 18:59 - United States - Marlborough

Today, my husband cheated on me. In my house. While I was home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 664

You deserved it 1 985

By Anonymous - 09/03/2013 08:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 013

You deserved it 5 939

By Blackshadows - 07/09/2015 18:08 - United States - Somerset

Today, I accidentally poured milk into my bowl of chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 872

You deserved it 8 348

By Flippy - 29/08/2010 00:05 - United States

Today, at work, I was reprimanded for not engaging with customers enough. In an effort to be more friendly, I complimented the next customer on her interesting accent. Turns out it was from a stroke she had last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 145

You deserved it 6 189

Worst teeth in the game

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist and she told me, "If you don't stop smoking, yellow teeth aren't the only thing you'll have to worry about." I don't even smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 103

By Anonymous - 27/06/2013 16:58 - Finland - Nykarleby

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with strep throat. My mom wasted no time accusing me of whoring around and claiming that most people get strep from performing oral sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 105

You deserved it 3 361

Giddy approval!

By SailorVenus93 - 29/10/2019 20:00

Today, I got so ecstatic about getting approved for a credit card that I made myself sick. I guess my first ever purchase will be TUMS and some Ginger Ale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 221

You deserved it 380

By anonymous - 23/04/2013 05:25 - United States

Today, I had a note to skip P.E. that my grandpa had written because my mom was busy. His handwriting is terrible, so they didn't believe that he'd written it. I'd twisted my ankle and I got to run another mile for "lying". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 896

You deserved it 4 181

By Anonymous - 09/03/2013 23:03 - United States - Chester

Today, I'm so broke after paying my bills, that I resorted to eating plain garlic butter from the pizzeria down the street for lunch. The worst part: to get the butter, I stormed in and angrily complained, saying they forgot to give it to me. I never even ordered a pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 853

You deserved it 9 711

By sorry dawg - 29/08/2019 20:00

Today, my coworker had been distraught over not being able to keep his dog after his divorce, so trying to be sweet, I'd ordered a specially-made stuffy that looked like it. I put it on his desk with a note and cookies. He thought I was mocking him and threw the plate at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 695

You deserved it 296

By greatdriver...4 - 31/08/2011 11:07 - United States

Today, I tried to back out of a spot in a parking garage. I did a 12 point turn, hit the car behind me and still didn't manage to get out of the spot. Everyone was staring at me, and the attendant had to come over and move my car for me. I have to park there every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 837

You deserved it 26 655

Knight

By Racked - 01/03/2016 18:00 - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I walked my girlfriend home. As I kissed her goodbye, I heard a high-pitched scream and turned just in time to see her little brother charge head-first into my nuts. All because I kissed her on the cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 128

You deserved it 1 906

Between a rock and a not-so-hard place

By Anonymous - 22/02/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, I found out that the pills my doctor prescribed for my ED cause severe side effects and I have to stop taking them. So much for my sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 101

By Jack - 26/10/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 907

You deserved it 2 976

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 20:00

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 1 021

By Anonymous - 13/02/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 157

You deserved it 2 923

By chynna - 06/08/2014 21:35 - United States - Evansville

Today, I paid $325 to have the vet tell me that my 19-year-old cat ISN'T dying, she just had anxiety shits because we were gone on vacation for so long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 553

You deserved it 6 564

By humiliated - 14/01/2011 16:28 - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me to come with her to the art building at school, so I could pose in the stance of a figure she was drawing for her exam. I obliged and sat for the pose. When the art teacher walked by she looked at me, then at the sketch, pointed to the legs and said, "make them fatter". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 842

You deserved it 4 337

Women shouldn't fart?

By single again - 06/04/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, I slept in the same room as my girlfriend for the first time. She is sweet, smart, and drop-dead gorgeous, so naturally I thought she was going to be the one. Until she farted in her sleep. 56 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 405

You deserved it 2 863

By j0j0 - 19/11/2008 03:44 - France

Today, I tried demonstrate to my little brother that, unlike what he sees in cartoons, it is impossible to slip on a banana peel. I'm not too sure he's convinced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 005

You deserved it 36 742

By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 625

You deserved it 2 720

No rest for the heroes

By J Claire Sanchez - 22/03/2020 15:56

Today, everyone has been advised to stay home and self-quarantine due to the COVID19 outbreak. This would've been great and all, especially since I'm pregnant and need the bed rest, but I work as a doctor and we're understaffed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 975

You deserved it 151

The customer is always something

By YEEYEE517 - 03/09/2019 22:00

Today, working in retail, I noticed a customer looking for an item, so I walked up to them and asked, "Is there something I can help you find?" He replied, "Did I ask for your fucking help?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 746

You deserved it 163

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 01:59 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant. They yelled at me until I started crying. I'm 31, married, and I have a good paying job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 815

You deserved it 1 932

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:08

If she knows you are a recovering alcoholic and still comes to your house drunk then you need too find someone better then that.

thefaekitten 29

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:11

If she knows youre recovering, then shes a bad girlfriend. She shouldnt have been pissed because of that.

Comments

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:07

That's when you say I'd like a tall glass of you

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Thursday 28 January 2016 3:31

Even a comment like this could make OP go into a relapse. You clearly should never be friends with a recovering person of anything, nor be a counselor for recovering people.

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:08

If she knows you are a recovering alcoholic and still comes to your house drunk then you need too find someone better then that.

MikaykayUnicorn 36

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 23:11

Agreed. I would rarely say this, but OP, you should really dump her. she obviously doesn't care about your recovery if she's still going to drink. If she really loved you, she would understand that drinking just isn't okay when your significant other is a recovering alcoholic. You could cause them to relapse.

WhiteMagickz 16

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Thursday 28 January 2016 0:19

She still does have a right to drink, but getting as drunk as she did and then coming to see you is completely irresponsible and inconsiderate. If not just flat out dumping her, talk to her about how what she did was wrong and let her know the problems you have with it.

tigerisabelle 31

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Thursday 28 January 2016 7:31

I don't believe she has to give up drinking because he's a recovering alcoholic, but she definitely shouldn't rub it in his face like that.

MarkTheMintMan 21

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:08

At least you're staying away from the booze! Talk to her about it and maybe she'll reconsider.

R2Y2 22

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 21:28

She sounds like a douche if he's in recovery and she isn't respecting that. I wouldn't give her the option to reconsider.

MarkTheMintMan 21

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Thursday 28 January 2016 4:25

That is true, but I believe everyone deserves a second chance. Besides, this is the first time she's done that from what OP has told us

thefaekitten 29

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:11

If she knows youre recovering, then shes a bad girlfriend. She shouldnt have been pissed because of that.

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 19:26

She was drunk, and probably forgot.

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 20:02

Don't think that's something you forget...

Oyas12 14

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 21:39

then she. probably should have drunk anything in the first place

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:13

You need a better girlfriend, dude.

MariaGiovanni 25

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:15

Sounds like she isn't very thoughtful or supportive of your recovery. Sometimes you have to let go of people when you recover from an addiction and if drinking was a big part of your relationship and/or her lifestyle then you may have to have a talk then make a decision. No one is more important than your health and sobriety. Good luck OP.

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:16

So you're the recovering alcoholic and she is the current or starting alcoholic? If no then maybe she should consider brushing her teeth and showering before offering you sex. Sex is for both people to enjoy not just one.

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Thursday 28 January 2016 12:29

What makes you think she's an alcoholic? She came home drunk one time. If this happened a lot, I'm sure that would have been part of the post. There's plenty in between "never drinking at all" and "starting alcoholic."

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:17

As a friend of Bill myself, this really pisses me off. I've straight up refused to hook up with someone because of this crap.

StzaCrack666 18

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:25

who's Bill?

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:33

#12: http://www.friendofbills.com/ I believe he refers to that.

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 18:21

Bill is who started AA. a friend of Bill would be a member of AA.

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Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:17

i think you need to find someone better OP

isnobodyhere 32

Wednesday 27 January 2016 17:20

Her lost, not yours!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 27

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 112

You deserved it 146