Miscellaneous: Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one... - FML

By whyme - United States - Crescent

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

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Messed up

Triage

TMI

By trina - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, "Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother's." FML

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By acapelladisaster - United States - Indianapolis

Today, in my online class I accidentally unmuted my mic. Normally that would be fine except today I decided to serenade myself with a silly song. I didn't realize until everyone started clapping at the end of the song. FML

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By dammit_ - Canada

Today, I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked "what's up lovebirds?". Turns out they were in the middle of a breakup. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Foam Lake

We need to talk

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

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By bbns - Germany

Today, I organized a party, invited a girl I've been secretly in love with for years, as well as a friend of mine who brought along an unknown mate of his. The party was fine, although the unknown mate threw up all over the floor. Now, the girl is dating that unknown mate and is in love with him. FML

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By queenlatifa101bebe - United States

Today, my boyfriend left me for my neighbor. Her name is Hope. She'd better "hope" I don't take a dump in her yard. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after having been off due to the holidays, I awoke to several missed calls and texts from my supervisor asking where I was. Fearing losing my job, I drove the entire 2-hour commute thinking I’d missed a day. I hadn't; he was just trying to get my weekly reports early. FML

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By Laura - Paraguay

What's my name?

Today, as they have for the past three years, my boyfriend's parents have never called me by my actual name. They always "accidentally" call me by my boyfriend's ex's name. FML

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By kas - United States

Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML

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By Tired

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for doing what she wanted me to do. I guess she didn't think I would do it and did it herself. FML

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By brokedick - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

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By tallguy - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I finally received the bicycle I ordered months ago. It was an expensive custom-made bike which perfectly fit my 6'9" frame. Today, that bike got stolen. FML

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By boom - United States

Today, my crush gave me a ride home. When I opened the door to get out, he switched the gear to reverse, thinking the car was in park. I got run over by the car door. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Alfreton

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy. Last week, she wrote sweet things like "Love you forever" and "Light of my life" on my arm cast. I have to wait two more weeks until it's taken off. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 05:00

Moving

Today, I realized timing really is everything. I met the man of my dreams less than a month before I’m relocating for work. FML

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By scratchy - Israel

Today, my boyfriend refused to have his hair treated against lice, because "men don't have lice". FML

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By rain1 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I had to explain to my parents why it is inappropriate to take selfies at a funeral. FML

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By Heavy D - United States

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

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By "mbrider"

Today, I saved a woman from drowning at a pool where I lifeguard, but when I got her out of the water she started screaming about sexual assault. Apparently I accidentally brushed her breasts when pulling her up and out of the water. She wants to sue me. FML

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By ShittyProposal - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years drunkenly proposed to me, while sitting on the crapper, with the door open. FML

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By Sue Ellen - United States - Providence

Today, at my wedding, my husband stood up to give a speech. It started out beautiful, until he told everyone how he started to fall in love with me after I blew him on our first date. FML

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By cachow - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

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By UncleMonkey - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, while flirting with a cute nurse at my dad's bedside, I accidentally let a noxious fart slip out and she thought the foul smell came from my sleeping father soiling himself. I let her roll him over and check his ass while he cried out in pain because I wasn't man enough to own up to it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, a teacher told me in all seriousness that she believes my son, who has severe learning difficulties, is likely demonically possessed. I'm sorry, but what century are we living in? Now I have to get him moved to another school so he doesn't have to be in the care of this nutjob. FML

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By anon. - United States

Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML

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By gotta euthanize em all - Canada

Today, while at work, I had to spend an hour and a half on the phone, listening to an old lady relive her entire day in excruciating detail. We're not allowed to hang up on customers, and she was extremely quick to dismiss all my attempts to steer the call back on topic. FML

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By hmmmm - Australia

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a big family dinner. I didn't realize I hadn't been invited until we were about to sit down to eat. There were 12 chairs, 12 plates, 12 forks, and 12 glasses. I was the 13th person to arrive. FML

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By deflower - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my mother burst into tears and hysterics when she found out my fiancée and I were not "pure" for our upcoming wedding. I'm 28, she's 27, and we've lived together for four years. FML

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By Lolrus - Qatar

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By brooke - United States - Kissimmee

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

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By jshum - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

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By ouch - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I thought maybe I should go to my doctor because my hips crack every time I take a step. But she's also my recently ex-boyfriend's mom, so I have to choose between being in constant pain or having my doctor poke at my hips while asking me why I'm no longer dating her son. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML

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By fuundmental/// - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

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By itsplashedeverywhere - United States - Boulder

Today, I was unfortunate enough to discover what happens when you vomit mid-drink at a water fountain. FML

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By insultedguy - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store and ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. We chatted a little, and just as I was leaving he grabbed his mobile phone. Later, I added him on Facebook. Turns out the last thing he posted was a picture of my back saying: "Look who got even fatter." FML

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Top comments

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5515762 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Let me guess, your real name IS McLovin!

By MDTeddy | 13

#5515779 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

How can someone not know what an ID looks like? They should be fired.

COMMENTS

By Patriots21 | 14

#5515753 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:08

I remember my first beer..

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5515758 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Question is, were you actually 21+? :)

Reply

KawaiiCupcake | 14

#5515791 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:18

I wasn't :P

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5515803 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:24

Was anyone on here? xD

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#5515842 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:55

I remember my first beer. Sweet, sweet beer. I always hated it!

Reply

nightbirdblue | 27

#5515844 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:55

I've never had my first beer. Vodka, however, is awesome.

Reply

KawaiiCupcake | 14

#5515874 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:26

I hate vodka >.< Beer is the boss!!!

Reply

EMTchic | 14

#5515880 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:33

Lolz 26 is that a Spongebob reference? I seem to remember some "sweet, sweet chocolate... I ALWAYS HATED IT!"

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#5515912 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:09

Haha that's so funny, last time I heard that I fell off my dinosaur!

Reply

PuggieKid | 22

#5516351 - Saturday 1 June 2013 14:20

Its okay...karma will get them!

Reply

Criminallylnsane | 13

#6085861 - Friday 10 October 2014 10:38

I have been drinking since 15.

By ThatGuyWhoTalks | 10

#5515759 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Best friends ever

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5515762 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Let me guess, your real name IS McLovin!

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#5515864 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:17

I bet he was a hawaiian organ donor, too!

Reply

iJUSTINsane | 12

#5515929 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:30

Sounds like a sexy hamburger

By Heather_Eve | 5

#5515764 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:11

Oh the irony

By TwinkleToes7 | 15

#5515765 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:11

It's never bad to look young!!!

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5515834 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:47

Except when you get kicked out of the bar...

Reply

Ki11erC | 18

#5516273 - Saturday 1 June 2013 13:15

And you're of legal age.

Reply

GRgoldfish | 19

#5516452 - Saturday 1 June 2013 16:43

she speaks the truth. think about it in the long run, when your 60 years old you'll look not a day over 30.

By priest_of_war | 10

#5515768 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:12

Sounds like fun

By rhevenge | 19

#5515772 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5515780 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

"...go yo a diff bar..."

I cringed; I really did.

Reply

Zebediabolical | 38

#5515815 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:35

I don't know which is worse. The lack of spelling and grammar or that #8 would torpedo her friends like that.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5515859 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:13

relax. The y and the t are right next to each other

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#5515878 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:32

RPS - That may be true, but there's no excuse for that apostrophe in "id's".

Reply

hannahsnyder69 | 16

#5516036 - Saturday 1 June 2013 6:35

Hey, how bout you don't throw "yo" friends under the bus like that

Reply

jengers115 | 10

#5516062 - Saturday 1 June 2013 7:07

Am I the only one who finds it funny for a different reason?

Reply

Invasion976 | 6

#5516795 - Saturday 1 June 2013 21:19

Problem is.. OP just gets kicked out, OP's friends, go to prison.

By MDTeddy | 13

#5515779 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

How can someone not know what an ID looks like? They should be fired.

By MissVeracity | 12

#5515783 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:15

Well you just won best friend award for not ratting out your friends! :)

By SpamPam | 18

#5515784 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:15

Shots shots shots shots shots shots Everyboday! Errrrr except OP