Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one... - FML

By whyme - 31/5/2013 18:47 - United States - Crescent

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

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Instadrama

Superficial World

Compassion

By Hot Pants - 1/12/2011 17:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I went into hospital and was being treated by a really cute doctor. Not knowing that I was going to end up here, I put on novelty underwear this morning. Well, at least he found the little green glow-in-the-dark skulls amusing. FML

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By ;_;" - 27/9/2013 21:33 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

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By Annie - 24/8/2015 08:46 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was lying on a couch, reading, when I noticed a spindly leg poking round the corner of my book. Upon realising it was a spider, I calmly and rationally threw my book across the room, breaking the TV. FML

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By Equi - 12/12/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

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By Username - 23/11/2010 06:50

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML

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By thatsasquee - 21/5/2011 06:42 - Canada

Today, I called my mom and I got voicemail: "Hello, this is Joyce. I'm not here at the moment, so leave a message and I will call back as soon as possible. Except if it's Sophie. If it is, get the hell out of my life, biiitch." I'm Sophie. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML

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By wideeyeddays - 2/2/2016 20:05 - United States - Pasadena

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he decided to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2015 13:58 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was trying on a shirt and asked my boyfriend if he liked it. He replied, "If I say no, can we still have sex tonight?" FML

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By Eeeek - 26/8/2010 21:17 - Bulgaria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex in a rarely used room at school. We got carried away and found ourselves locked in. We slept there overnight. We woke up when the cleaning lady found us the next morning and were greeted by worried parents and school staff. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, while talking online with my boyfriend, the conversation turns sexual. He stops responding but I continue with the conversation. Then I get a response: "this is his sister. He fell asleep and I need the computer. I'll tell him you said goodnight, but not that other stuff". FML

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By ants9omarching - 10/3/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML

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By emi - 1/7/2012 04:30

Today, not only does my cat rabidly attack my face if I don't let him sleep on my pillow, but he snores too. FML

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By welp - 22/5/2016 20:22 - United States - Roswell

Today, we took an AP exam for Literature. One of the passages was about keeping in feelings in a relationship so that no one is "a burden". My boyfriend read the same passage and felt like he was a burden. I can't convince him otherwise. Thank you college board for endangering my relationship. FML

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By skanula414 - 31/12/2015 19:00 - Sweden - Malm?

Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML

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By LostSleep - 24/5/2016 21:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because "he didn't believe in marriage." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2011 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

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By Crushed - 9/12/2018 12:30

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 17:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

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By ItalianBabyDoll - 11/4/2020 14:00

Alexa, play "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings

Today, during my boyfriends birthday dinner, his father shouted, “Jessica, can you slice me a piece too?” My name isn’t Jessica and I’ve been in their family for over two years. FML

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By Central - 29/10/2019 12:00

Mom of the century

Today, I've not had any contact with my mother for years, and when tornadoes came through our hometown and wiped out most of our downtown area, she didn't contact me at all. I finally contacted her myself. Her reason for not contacting me? She had "watched the news" and "knew I was OK." FML

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By Ethan - 9/3/2009 13:35 - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

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By "baow" - 17/3/2019 14:00

Today, I met this girl on a party and things were going really well. We ended up getting it on in my room and I was about to do my thing after confidently have had bragging the whole night that I was the inspiration of the 50 shades of Grey series. Well guess who got a whiskey dick. FML

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By randa - 5/4/2011 07:30

Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked if I had a late night so I told him I stayed in. Apparently I ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it. FML

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By anonymouss - 21/9/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

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By Girl-of-very-little-brain - 29/12/2011 12:01 - Canada

Today, I woke up at midnight crying, stood up to turn on the lights and face-planted into my wall. FML

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By Iwtumn - 17/3/2015 16:52 - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2019 06:00

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML

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By Bob - 11/4/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag. FML

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By rainey - 3/2/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, my car alarm went off so I went outside to investigate. Apparently, the abundant rain water in my street had swept a trash can five houses down, only to be stopped by my car. My bumper was dented by a run-away waste receptacle. FML

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By bluedevil26 - 3/3/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2011 22:38 - United States

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

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By Username - 1/8/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, the crazy cat lady who lives next to me lost one of her cats. She sat outside with a whistle at 6:00 this morning and continued to blow her whistle for hours. FML

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By ifaisal - 26/2/2010 03:05 - Qatar

Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML

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By anonymous - 13/9/2015 15:34 - Luxembourg

Today, my roommate remembered that we have an essay due Monday, so he wrote the full essay, while stoned, in less than an hour, without using his textbook. It was better than the one I spent all week writing. He is now upstairs having sex, and I've lost all motivation. FML

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By Ginger_Gawd - 21/1/2014 03:34 - United States - Hialeah

Today, I was playing with my little nephew and began to tickle him playfully, even though I know he doesn't like to be tickled. When I was done, he looked me straight in the eye, punched me in the groin, and told me, "No one tickles me". He's six. FML

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By ftt - 6/12/2016 15:22

Today, Facebook notified me a "friend" had tagged me in one of his photos. It was a group photo of 20, but my face was the only one that was intentionally blocked out with an emoji because I "didn't belong in the group." FML

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By Username - 29/5/2014 14:14 - United States

Today, as I was using the public restroom in the mall, someone decided to slam the stall door next to mine. This resulted in my stall door opening while I was still on the toilet. The door was too far for me to reach. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

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Top comments

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5515762 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Let me guess, your real name IS McLovin!

By MDTeddy | 13

#5515779 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

How can someone not know what an ID looks like? They should be fired.

Comments

By Patriots21 | 14

#5515753 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:08

I remember my first beer..

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5515758 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Question is, were you actually 21+? :)

Reply

KawaiiCupcake | 14

#5515791 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:18

I wasn't :P

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5515803 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:24

Was anyone on here? xD

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#5515842 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:55

I remember my first beer. Sweet, sweet beer. I always hated it!

Reply

nightbirdblue | 27

#5515844 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:55

I've never had my first beer. Vodka, however, is awesome.

Reply

KawaiiCupcake | 14

#5515874 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:26

I hate vodka >.< Beer is the boss!!!

Reply

EMTchic | 14

#5515880 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:33

Lolz 26 is that a Spongebob reference? I seem to remember some "sweet, sweet chocolate... I ALWAYS HATED IT!"

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#5515912 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:09

Haha that's so funny, last time I heard that I fell off my dinosaur!

Reply

PuggieKid | 22

#5516351 - Saturday 1 June 2013 14:20

Its okay...karma will get them!

Reply

Criminallylnsane | 13

#6085861 - Friday 10 October 2014 10:38

I have been drinking since 15.

By ThatGuyWhoTalks | 10

#5515759 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Best friends ever

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5515762 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Let me guess, your real name IS McLovin!

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#5515864 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:17

I bet he was a hawaiian organ donor, too!

Reply

iJUSTINsane | 12

#5515929 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:30

Sounds like a sexy hamburger

By Heather_Eve | 5

#5515764 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:11

Oh the irony

By TwinkleToes7 | 15

#5515765 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:11

It's never bad to look young!!!

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5515834 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:47

Except when you get kicked out of the bar...

Reply

Ki11erC | 18

#5516273 - Saturday 1 June 2013 13:15

And you're of legal age.

Reply

GRgoldfish | 19

#5516452 - Saturday 1 June 2013 16:43

she speaks the truth. think about it in the long run, when your 60 years old you'll look not a day over 30.

By priest_of_war | 10

#5515768 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:12

Sounds like fun

By rhevenge | 19

#5515772 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5515780 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

"...go yo a diff bar..."

I cringed; I really did.

Reply

Zebediabolical | 37

#5515815 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:35

I don't know which is worse. The lack of spelling and grammar or that #8 would torpedo her friends like that.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5515859 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:13

relax. The y and the t are right next to each other

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#5515878 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:32

RPS - That may be true, but there's no excuse for that apostrophe in "id's".

Reply

hannahsnyder69 | 16

#5516036 - Saturday 1 June 2013 6:35

Hey, how bout you don't throw "yo" friends under the bus like that

Reply

jengers115 | 10

#5516062 - Saturday 1 June 2013 7:07

Am I the only one who finds it funny for a different reason?

Reply

Invasion976 | 6

#5516795 - Saturday 1 June 2013 21:19

Problem is.. OP just gets kicked out, OP's friends, go to prison.

By MDTeddy | 13

#5515779 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

How can someone not know what an ID looks like? They should be fired.

By MissVeracity | 12

#5515783 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:15

Well you just won best friend award for not ratting out your friends! :)

By SpamPam | 18

#5515784 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:15

Shots shots shots shots shots shots Everyboday! Errrrr except OP