Miscellaneous: Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one...

31/05/2013 18:47 - United States - Crescent

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 393

You deserved it 4 448

Miscellaneous

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Compromises

The Terminator

No chance

By Anonymous - 21/02/2020 14:00

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me over late at night. I got excited, assuming she finally wanted sex. No, she just wanted me to make her mac and cheese and talk to her because she was ‘restless’. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 467

You deserved it 859

01/12/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either "Yeah." or "Uh-huh." Without thinking, I combined the two and ended up saying "Yee-hah," like a cowboy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 702

You deserved it 33 476

10/03/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I stretched out my wedding dress on my bed so it could air out before the big day tomorrow. Later I returned to my room only to find my cat on my wedding dress, it peed on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 228

You deserved it 20 255

Overkill or fair?

By Pineapple does go on pizza - 24/08/2018 01:30

Today, I thought my boyfriend was kidding when he said he'd dump me if I actually ate pineapple on pizza. I ordered it. I ate it. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 106

You deserved it 1 141

15/03/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, the satellite radio at work went on the fritz, playing one song over and over. Management wouldn't turn it off, though, because then customers would miss out on all those upcoming-sale announcements that run intermittently. Meanwhile, I got to listen to "Footloose" for eight hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 299

You deserved it 2 474

03/02/2018 01:30

Today, I went to a yoga class for the first time in a few years. When I went to change afterwards, I realized I'd split my pants at some point during the class. I think I understand why the girls behind me were laughing so hard now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 040

You deserved it 369

24/06/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 310

You deserved it 4 461

26/12/2013 06:48 - United States - Everett

Today, nothing said Christmas quite like my dad taking 18 shots of vodka, falling on the Christmas tree while holding our 3-year-old cousin and denying it ever happened when he woke up later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 283

You deserved it 3 139

06/02/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 957

You deserved it 2 773

15/05/2012 10:49 - Egypt

Today, after winning a major photography competition with the prize of an expensive workshop with a top photographer, I learned that my crazy stalker has paid the £250 workshop costs, and will travel 5 hours just to be there with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 230

You deserved it 2 024

22/09/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 435

You deserved it 7 510

10/10/2016 17:53 - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend heard me confessing my undying love to someone while we were skyping. He's now convinced that I was talking to some other guy and had forgotten to mute my phone. I was talking to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 617

You deserved it 2 091

12/07/2010 20:56 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room when I found a nice surprise from my cat. While I was on vacation, she killed a mouse. By the time I found it, there were maggots crawling in my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 429

You deserved it 5 110

Marxism intensifies

By Anonymous - 04/07/2020 17:01

Today, after three weeks of suffering from COVID, I returned to work. I met with my boss, and was written up for absenteeism. Oh, and we're closing early because there are ongoing riots. Oh, and we lost the contract and I'm unemployed in three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 248

Move it, now!

By Anonymous - 24/07/2020 05:01

Today, I had just gotten out of the bath when a police officer knocked on my door. I answered in my towel, and he told me I had to leave due to a bomb scare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 111

23/09/2013 17:53 - United States - Romulus

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 896

You deserved it 6 673

Gift for you

By safetyfirst - 14/07/2010 15:17 - Taiwan

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 389

You deserved it 21 356

14/01/2009 14:26 - United States

Today, my mom asked all the old ladies in her church to pray that I meet "someone special". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 190

You deserved it 2 213

18/04/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me I was being too obsessive. This is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 700

You deserved it 8 482

02/05/2016 23:59 - United States - Fremont

Today, I got my graded essay from my teacher. Earlier, he'd said that it was "too specific", and that I should change it to be "more general and debatable". Now that I've got it back, the first comments on the paper are, "Your thesis is too general, be more specific." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 685

You deserved it 1 358

Save Me

By bad doc - 01/10/2019 04:00

Today, I had to repeat myself multiple times and dumb down all my anatomical terms and symptoms while describing my illness to my doctor. I want to switch, but my insurance won’t cover another one for at least 60 more days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 144

No stupid questions

By Anonymous - 09/03/2013 01:11 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17 years-old, and was deadly serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 294

You deserved it 3 275

Same

By Anonymous - 08/01/2015 14:24 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 850

You deserved it 6 050

02/01/2011 18:22 - United Kingdom

Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 069

You deserved it 51 458

Confinement's gonna be fun

By Anonymous - 16/03/2020 23:01

Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 2 174

07/12/2012 04:49 - United States - Moorhead

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 199

You deserved it 6 256

Secrecy

By Anonymous - 15/06/2021 11:01

Today, I went to spend some time with my family. Unbeknownst to me, while I was having quality time with my family, my boyfriend of a year and a half was packing up his belongings and going back to his estranged wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 191

09/09/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 352

You deserved it 53 598

09/03/2012 16:55 - United States

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 169

You deserved it 37 010

23/10/2011 21:02 - Norway

Today, I mopped all the floors in my house. When I was finally done, I accidentally knocked over an open bottle of soda. My cats took this as a perfect opportunity to chase each other around, step in the soda, and track sticky paw prints everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 555

You deserved it 7 105

29/12/2014 05:00 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 900

You deserved it 5 086

08/04/2012 02:10 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I learned that when you take off your sweatshirt, it can get stuck in your braces. I was in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 965

You deserved it 3 692

20/01/2011 03:44 - United States

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 972

You deserved it 8 306

05/09/2015 02:22 - United States - Purchase

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 511

You deserved it 9 117

11/08/2014 02:22 - United States - Brentwood

Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 030

You deserved it 3 706

Security check

By Kammy - 01/03/2009 23:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a tropical family trip with them. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I'd forgotten about the no liquids rule. They took out a bottle of massage oil, lube, Vagisil and Nair. His whole family saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 785

You deserved it 70 308

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

By JesusLaidAnEgg - 10/09/2019 14:02

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 521

You deserved it 220

11/09/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 861

You deserved it 7 299

25/05/2016 08:52 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 882

You deserved it 1 172

01/01/2012 20:06 - United States

Today, I received a late Christmas present from my estranged father. I was really excited, having neither seen nor heard from him in nearly two years. It was a $200 gift card for a store that only exists in Canada. I don't live in Canada. Not even close. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 653

You deserved it 3 982

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Top comments

PenguinBitch 43

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Let me guess, your real name IS McLovin!

MDTeddy 13

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

How can someone not know what an ID looks like? They should be fired.

Patriots21 14

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:08

I remember my first beer..

lilhellian 26

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Question is, were you actually 21+? :)

KawaiiCupcake 14

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:18

I wasn't :P

lilhellian 26

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:24

Was anyone on here? xD

PenguinBitch 43

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:55

I remember my first beer. Sweet, sweet beer. I always hated it!

nightbirdblue 27

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:55

I've never had my first beer. Vodka, however, is awesome.

KawaiiCupcake 14

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Saturday 1 June 2013 4:26

I hate vodka >.< Beer is the boss!!!

EMTchic 14

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Saturday 1 June 2013 4:33

Lolz 26 is that a Spongebob reference? I seem to remember some "sweet, sweet chocolate... I ALWAYS HATED IT!"

eddeeezzyy 19

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Saturday 1 June 2013 5:09

Haha that's so funny, last time I heard that I fell off my dinosaur!

PuggieKid 22

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Saturday 1 June 2013 14:20

Its okay...karma will get them!

Criminallylnsane 13

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Friday 10 October 2014 10:38

I have been drinking since 15.

ThatGuyWhoTalks 10

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Best friends ever

PenguinBitch 43

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Let me guess, your real name IS McLovin!

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Saturday 1 June 2013 4:17

I bet he was a hawaiian organ donor, too!

iJUSTINsane 12

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Saturday 1 June 2013 5:30

Sounds like a sexy hamburger

Heather_Eve 5

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:11

Oh the irony

TwinkleToes7 15

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:11

It's never bad to look young!!!

botanistjessica 24

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:47

Except when you get kicked out of the bar...

Ki11erC 18

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Saturday 1 June 2013 13:15

And you're of legal age.

GRgoldfish 19

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Saturday 1 June 2013 16:43

she speaks the truth. think about it in the long run, when your 60 years old you'll look not a day over 30.

priest_of_war 10

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:12

Sounds like fun

rhevenge 19

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Welshite 39

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

"...go yo a diff bar..." I cringed; I really did.

Zebediabolical 39

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:35

I don't know which is worse. The lack of spelling and grammar or that #8 would torpedo her friends like that.

RedPillSucks 31

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Saturday 1 June 2013 4:13

relax. The y and the t are right next to each other

DocBastard 38

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Saturday 1 June 2013 4:32

RPS - That may be true, but there's no excuse for that apostrophe in "id's".

hannahsnyder69 16

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Saturday 1 June 2013 6:35

Hey, how bout you don't throw "yo" friends under the bus like that

jengers115 10

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Saturday 1 June 2013 7:07

Am I the only one who finds it funny for a different reason?

Invasion976 6

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Saturday 1 June 2013 21:19

Problem is.. OP just gets kicked out, OP's friends, go to prison.

MDTeddy 13

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

How can someone not know what an ID looks like? They should be fired.

MissVeracity 12

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:15

Well you just won best friend award for not ratting out your friends! :)

SpamPam 18

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Saturday 1 June 2013 3:15

Shots shots shots shots shots shots Everyboday! Errrrr except OP

Nearly

Today, I have to do a science presentation in approximately 10 minutes. I didn’t do the assignment or make a PowerPoint cause I stayed up all night trying to do my French homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 217

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 504

You deserved it 157

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