Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one... - FML

By whyme - 31/5/2013 18:47 - United States - Crescent

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

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Deep-seated resentment

The end of the road

Spooky

By RobotUnicorn1209 - 14/8/2015 19:31 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I got in trouble for punching my sister. Apparently, it still counts if it's in Minecraft and she looked like she was going to steal my stuff. FML

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By grosstoenail - 13/7/2016 05:04 - Canada - Courtice

Today, while I selling merch at a festival, a volunteer lost her toenail. Not only did she immediately show me, but she then took a picture and showed everyone coming up to my station. I lost sales because she wouldn't leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2014 12:34 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch, watching The Avengers with my 4-year-old daughter, who loves the Hulk. When Hulk finally showed up, she excitedly looked at me and screamed, "Hulk Smash" before slamming both of her fists into my balls. FML

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By mandy - 10/4/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 15:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I actually thought of faking my own death to get away from my girlfriend and her insane, overbearing family. FML

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By B-Rad - 15/11/2012 05:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I share a birthday with a fictional character who is "untrustworthy" and has a "dark side", so therefore I can't be trusted either. FML

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By *sigh* - 8/12/2015 22:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I confronted my friend about the £260 he owes me. He got offended and said, "Friends don't have to pay back." He called me selfish and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

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By nrelavender - 26/5/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML

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By Evjoel - 28/6/2016 10:34 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

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By lonelyman - 20/11/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2017 06:00

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 08:09 - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

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By luciazee - 6/6/2013 20:51 - Peru - Lima

Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML

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By FatalxDesire599 - 5/3/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, my mother stormed into my room shouting about how I never go anywhere and then tells me to go out "NOW" and do something. As she is pushing me out the door, her boyfriend walks in. FML

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By LearnToLive - 15/5/2012 15:59

Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I volunteered at a nursing home. I approached a lonely, old man who had a type of nervous tick. I went over to speak to him, and not even four sentences into our conversation he says, "I'd really like to make love to you." What I thought was a tick was actually him stroking himself. FML

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By Xpresss - 2/2/2009 10:39 - United States

Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet. FML

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By cars hate me - 26/2/2017 11:00 - United States - Compton

Today, my car was rear-ended and totaled. Last year, during the same month, my previous car was rear-ended and totaled. I should just stop driving during the month of February. FML

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By WTA - 20/2/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing around. Things were getting really hot when he gets a call from his best friend whose grandfather had just died. As they were talking and I heard her crying, he unzips his pants and mouths, "She won't know." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 06:53 - United States

Today, my very traditional parents told me that I should start a savings account for my marriage. I told them that I wouldn't get married until much later because I don't even have a boyfriend yet. They said, "Don't worry we already found a boy for you." FML

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By NowABlonde - 9/3/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I decided to lighten my hair. I applied the dye and waited 20 minutes. When I went to wash the dye out, the water wouldn't turn on. After my head started to burn, I called the landlord in a panic. Turns out there was a water main break and the entire city block doesn't have water. FML

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By lahiros - 30/5/2014 22:05 - Australia - Bentleigh East

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML

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By Sarah - 17/8/2012 07:45 - Canada - Penhold

Today, my house got broken into. They just made a mess. I saw a note on the kitchen table that read "There's nothing good here. You have shitty stuff." FML

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By jayscalaro - 21/4/2019 20:00

Today, it's raining pretty hard and there are a bunch of puddles everywhere. I’m in a full rain suit and great boots, so instead of walking around the puddles, I decided to walk through the biggest one, only to drop down 4 feet, all because the city didn’t cover up a massive manhole. FML

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By snoozer - 23/3/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I received two withdrawl grades in school for droping the classes due to a kidney infection that kept me in the hospital. I wrote a petition to the dean asking to remove the grades. He replied to send a doctor's note. I did this, and he said that I was faking and the note was forged. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 21:48 - Croatia - Rijeka

Today, my mom got pissed off at my doctor and called him a quack. She did this because he reassured her that I don't show any signs of the mental retardation that she's convinced herself I must have. FML

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By Elmoo - 1/6/2012 01:20 - Netherlands

Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2013 00:26 - Iceland

Today, at an open mic comedy club, my jokes went down so poorly that someone decided to hurl a chair at me on-stage. FML

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By kebaby - 19/6/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, I spent a long time steam-cleaning a mystery stain on my living room carpet. I turned the light on to get a better look at it, and realized that it was a shadow. FML

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By John - 19/5/2011 04:27

Today, I offered to drive my girlfriend's grandpa to the doctor. I thus learned my girlfriend's grandfather has a colostomy bag when it burst all over the inside of my truck. FML

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By disfunctionalfamily - 27/4/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, I got married. My sister and father could not attend because they already had plans. My sister went to the mall with her friends, and my dad went to a pool party. FML

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By Rar - 9/5/2015 17:13 - United States - Palatine

Today, I went to the airport a full three hours before my flight departure time just to be on the safe side. I ended up having the best nap of my life and missing my flight. FML

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By MovingOut - 16/1/2015 01:21 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML

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By Stupid_Chick - 1/6/2010 01:09 - Canada

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2012 10:37 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

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By oops - 19/8/2013 16:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML

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By fucked - 24/8/2014 20:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

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By towelwindow - 5/8/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, out of the goodness of my heart, I went to work to help out a co-worker even though my last day was last week. I parked in a garage a block away for 2 hours. I paid $20 to park, didn't get paid, am spending $400 to get my back window replaced, and I have to buy a new iPod. FML

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Top comments

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5515762 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Let me guess, your real name IS McLovin!

By MDTeddy | 13

#5515779 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

How can someone not know what an ID looks like? They should be fired.

COMMENTS

By Patriots21 | 14

#5515753 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:08

I remember my first beer..

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5515758 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Question is, were you actually 21+? :)

Reply

KawaiiCupcake | 14

#5515791 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:18

I wasn't :P

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5515803 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:24

Was anyone on here? xD

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#5515842 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:55

I remember my first beer. Sweet, sweet beer. I always hated it!

Reply

nightbirdblue | 27

#5515844 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:55

I've never had my first beer. Vodka, however, is awesome.

Reply

KawaiiCupcake | 14

#5515874 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:26

I hate vodka >.< Beer is the boss!!!

Reply

EMTchic | 14

#5515880 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:33

Lolz 26 is that a Spongebob reference? I seem to remember some "sweet, sweet chocolate... I ALWAYS HATED IT!"

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#5515912 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:09

Haha that's so funny, last time I heard that I fell off my dinosaur!

Reply

PuggieKid | 22

#5516351 - Saturday 1 June 2013 14:20

Its okay...karma will get them!

Reply

Criminallylnsane | 13

#6085861 - Friday 10 October 2014 10:38

I have been drinking since 15.

By ThatGuyWhoTalks | 10

#5515759 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Best friends ever

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5515762 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:10

Let me guess, your real name IS McLovin!

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#5515864 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:17

I bet he was a hawaiian organ donor, too!

Reply

iJUSTINsane | 12

#5515929 - Saturday 1 June 2013 5:30

Sounds like a sexy hamburger

By Heather_Eve | 5

#5515764 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:11

Oh the irony

By TwinkleToes7 | 15

#5515765 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:11

It's never bad to look young!!!

Reply

botanistjessica | 24

#5515834 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:47

Except when you get kicked out of the bar...

Reply

Ki11erC | 18

#5516273 - Saturday 1 June 2013 13:15

And you're of legal age.

Reply

GRgoldfish | 19

#5516452 - Saturday 1 June 2013 16:43

she speaks the truth. think about it in the long run, when your 60 years old you'll look not a day over 30.

By priest_of_war | 10

#5515768 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:12

Sounds like fun

By rhevenge | 19

#5515772 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5515780 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

"...go yo a diff bar..."

I cringed; I really did.

Reply

Zebediabolical | 37

#5515815 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:35

I don't know which is worse. The lack of spelling and grammar or that #8 would torpedo her friends like that.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5515859 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:13

relax. The y and the t are right next to each other

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#5515878 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:32

RPS - That may be true, but there's no excuse for that apostrophe in "id's".

Reply

hannahsnyder69 | 16

#5516036 - Saturday 1 June 2013 6:35

Hey, how bout you don't throw "yo" friends under the bus like that

Reply

jengers115 | 10

#5516062 - Saturday 1 June 2013 7:07

Am I the only one who finds it funny for a different reason?

Reply

Invasion976 | 6

#5516795 - Saturday 1 June 2013 21:19

Problem is.. OP just gets kicked out, OP's friends, go to prison.

By MDTeddy | 13

#5515779 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:14

How can someone not know what an ID looks like? They should be fired.

By MissVeracity | 12

#5515783 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:15

Well you just won best friend award for not ratting out your friends! :)

By SpamPam | 18

#5515784 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:15

Shots shots shots shots shots shots Everyboday! Errrrr except OP