Miscellaneous: Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed...

By Anonymous - 11/06/2013 03:23 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 690

You deserved it 17 520

Miscellaneous

Mama's boy

You tried

Private Catholic school?

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 12:47 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 673

You deserved it 9 022

Pinky

By grandlisleguy - 03/02/2020 21:00 - United States - Colchester

Today, I was at the office making copies for a project. As I left the copy room my dress pants caught a sharp something on the door frame and ripped open my pants. All my co-workers saw my pink boxer briefs. Now I'm called "Pinky" by everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 603

You deserved it 367

By Smiley - 31/12/2015 14:33 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, as always, I tend to smile and giggle when I'm nervous. I couldn't stop it from happening at the funeral of my friend's grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 900

You deserved it 3 600

By Anonymous - 03/08/2012 14:52 - United States

Today, I took my first fare as a qualified taxi-driver. The pride soon diminished as I was forced to listen to my passenger give a greatly detailed description of his recent colonoscopy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 577

You deserved it 2 441

By alpine75 - 03/05/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door, a clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was ok. I have to go back next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 852

You deserved it 8 514

By antwhite1987 - 08/05/2016 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Today, my 5 year-old daughter saw me getting ready to sit down in a fold-out camp chair, and told me, with a big smile on her face, "Daddy, you're too fat to sit in that chair. You'll break it with your big butt." Out of the mouths of babes, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 291

You deserved it 1 403

By LOLCATS - 13/10/2009 13:45 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 078

You deserved it 2 456

By thatchick3333 - 08/03/2012 07:13 - United States

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 431

You deserved it 6 904

By satanlovesme - 30/05/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment. While waiting, I pulled out my Cosmo magazine to entertain myself. The woman sitting across from me points and tells me I'm reading "Satan's Manual." I told her I don't believe in Satan. She said, "You'll know he's real when you become his bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 767

You deserved it 8 324

By FuckYou - 02/07/2012 06:07 - United States - Santa Maria

Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 636

You deserved it 53 911

By CaityLovesBo - 05/02/2012 18:49 - United States

Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 579

You deserved it 3 519

Great talking to you

By unlovedd - 22/03/2009 05:45 - United States

I agree, your life sucks 66 695

You deserved it 4 687

By Kortnie Peterman - 02/07/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I found out my Nuva ring comes out quite easily, especially when he manages to hook it around the tip of his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 182

You deserved it 440

By CanStandup - 13/04/2017 22:00

Today, a very large lady was sitting down and panting as she watched me stock the bottom shelves at my store. Apparently, being able to squat down and stand back up repeatedly means I'm mocking her, and she threatened to report me to corporate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 074

You deserved it 263

By pinkjade - 25/10/2011 07:17 - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 857

You deserved it 3 516

By Toaster - 30/07/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 591

You deserved it 4 118

By shia - 11/03/2011 00:51

Today, I got a super short pixie cut. All my boyfriend could do was stare at me, speechless. I thought he was taken aback by how cute it was until he told me that I look exactly like my fifteen year old brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 580

You deserved it 21 821

By mystupidson - 31/08/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 704

You deserved it 3 940

By Anonymous - 28/06/2009 18:25 - Israel

Today, I woke up late. My grandparents had slept over the night before but they usually left early. I heard someone in the kitchen and thinking it was my brother, I said "Thank god, the geriatric crew is FINALLY gone." My grandma responds, "No we're not." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 460

You deserved it 73 916

The joys of pregnancy

By Anonymous - 26/11/2021 15:59 - United States - Wausau

Today, while 9 months pregnant, i was sleeping soundly for once, cuddling with my cat, having a nice dream… until I woke up choking on acid reflux, peed the bed, peed on the carpet and all over myself trying to get to the bathroom. This is not the first time this has happened. At least I didn't puke this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 019

You deserved it 134

By chelse_elyce - 21/01/2015 04:10 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in his car. We were in the front seat and I was on top. My ass hit the horn and scared my boyfriend so bad, he jumped, causing me to hit my head so hard that I swear I got a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 682

You deserved it 13 271

Nice

By happypineapple - 17/07/2014 03:31 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 627

You deserved it 19 853

By Powerfool - 07/04/2009 10:07 - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 185 971

You deserved it 10 694

By JustWantedToRelax - 10/05/2016 02:27 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 752

You deserved it 1 463

By gordy1220 - 13/02/2010 18:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I got back from my daughter's flat in Scotland. I got a flight there yesterday morning to surprise her on her 21st birthday. Nobody told her I was coming. When I got there, it turned out she decided to get a plane to London to surprise me. £200 on flights, and I didn't even get to see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 933

You deserved it 4 929

Between a rock and a soft place

By Anonymous - 20/07/2020 23:01

Today, it's our eighth anniversary. My husband has struggled for a while with erectile dysfunction, and tonight he decided it wasn't worth trying. So now, he's sitting at home, soft, while I'm eating Taco Bell in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 683

You deserved it 266

By Chels - 04/12/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 049

You deserved it 2 923

By bobafett892 - 02/10/2016 17:32 - United States - Atlanta

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 070

You deserved it 834

By WhitneyHouston - 06/07/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "Please stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 604

You deserved it 15 273

By biggs sprhro - 10/10/2015 04:25 - United States - Bryan

Today, my friends were right about me being whipped. My girlfriend now has me setting an alarm for 3 hrs after she's fallen asleep, all so I can uncover her feet so she doesn't get too warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 635

You deserved it 15 338

By misc - 20/11/2010 10:40 - Australia

Today, my brand new iPhone 4 was stolen from my bag. I asked the bartender if anyone had handed it in. I soon found out that while I was talking to her, someone swiped my wallet from the bag too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 661

You deserved it 8 284

By both are dimwitted - 23/12/2014 18:32 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex called, saying she's 3 months pregnant. She seems to have forgotten that we haven't been in the same room, much less friends, in over a year. My dimwitted wife thinks the baby is mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 399

You deserved it 4 636

Johnny Weissmuller over here

By Anonymous - 14/05/2020 20:02

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 2 104

By arthise - 09/10/2013 07:03 - United States - Evansville

Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 951

You deserved it 17 142

No pain, no gain

By SailorVenus93 - 26/02/2021 02:01 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I woke up with a sore clitoris. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend for weeks, but I did masturbate yesterday. I guess I can't get horny without feeling pain afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 172

What is it?

By Anonymous - 06/08/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, I had my first orgasm. He thought something was wrong, so he stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 892

You deserved it 8 181

By soccercrazed1520 - 13/01/2010 21:40 - France

Today, I was taking a warm shower when someone in my house flushed the toilet, making the shower extremely hot. In my rush to get out so I wouldn't get burned, I slipped and knocked a tooth out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 222

You deserved it 4 361

By unemployed - 10/07/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I was at a second interview for a job that I really need as I got laid off last month. Midway through the interview, I went to cross my legs and realized I had 2 different shoes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 063

You deserved it 20 830

Heavy sandwich, man

By Anonymous - 07/06/2021 22:01

Today, I was sitting on park bench eating a sandwich when suddenly the bench broke and I fell and broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 906

You deserved it 86

By i tried so hard - 08/01/2016 15:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 762

You deserved it 2 211

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Top comments

Fluffydemise 18

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 11:28

You are not an accomplice, and the police will surely figure that out. What you most definitely are, however, is a bad judge of character!

EngageZoo5 8

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 11:22

The jig is up. The news is out. They finally found you.

rashadmahmoud 4

Tuesday 11 June 2013 11:19

You got got.

linstar 13

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 13:16

#1 - this is why FML gives you a few minutes to check and edit your comment.

ervington 8

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 21:00

I don't see the problem with that comment

HKCgrimmjow 15

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 21:05

I'm surprised OP didn't take any of the subtle hints that it was an actual robbery, you know, perhaps a gun, money, a mask, frantic panicking, sweating, accelerated heart rate and such... People usually aren't calm after committing a hefty sentencing crime.

Potatobacon 6

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Wednesday 12 June 2013 1:36

I thought his comment was kinda funny

EngageZoo5 8

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 11:22

The jig is up. The news is out. They finally found you.

Rommel1942 9

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 12:40

Only took 15 mins.

rg350dx 29

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 13:39

This renegade didn't have it made and was retrieved for his bounty.

MysteriousX_fml 10

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 16:00

Never more to go astray. This will be the end today of the wanted man.

andrew6p 19

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 11:23

Sucks to be you right now op! Anyways choose your friends wisely from now and on!

Rommel1942 9

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 12:41

'Murica!

gc327072 30

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 19:07

5/ Bacon

TayonaC 10

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 11:26

Damn your friend is an ass for hiding out at your place knowing you could also be held accountable. Good luck explaining that to the police. :/

Jac_d_ipper 10

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 15:38

and Op you are a moron.

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 15:42

Not necessarily... This sounds like something my friend would say jokingly.

MadarseLizard 7

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 16:43

Yes, but I don't believe your friend has robbed an actual bank when they say that.

TheAbstract 15

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 18:23

51, the OP didn't know that their friend robbed a bank, man. People joke and say goofy things to each other all the time.That's why they thought it was a joke.

goose12321 11

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 20:31

#51 uh, that's the point....

Fluffydemise 18

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 11:28

You are not an accomplice, and the police will surely figure that out. What you most definitely are, however, is a bad judge of character!

KBurns207 17

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 11:30

He didn't seem to have a bag of cash? Or maybe some kind of weapon? Your friend is a d-bag for doing that to you though.

Jharrist89 12

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Tuesday 11 June 2013 11:36

Damn... That a may also be hard to prove that you had no idea.. Maybe they'll check phone records, etc.. Hopefully you'll be able to get out of this one.